Starlight925

I don't get why anyone uses social media to espouse their views. Either side. First I hide, then I block, then I unfriend. I want to see people from past points in my life and what they're up to today. Their kids, their grandkids. Not their political/social views, which I never knew back then. I've ended up quietly moving on from some of these friends in real life who vomit-post their views on social media. Left or right, I don't care. I hide it all. That being said, it's your social media, your life. You can post pictures of Skittles all day, and it's not his business.

Deleted.

I don't think you're attracting the wrong men. Wrong men (and women) are everywhere. It's more prevalent than ever, in this throw-away society of acceptable ghosting, last minute cancellations, and hookups. Yes, those things have been around forever, but the dating world is more full than ever of it. What you're doing wrong here is accepting these men. Accepting behavior of someone who, as you said in your first post, can't even follow through to set up a first date. Screen 'em quick. Get to that first meet quick. If they don't ask you out for a proper date within a couple of days, and set it up, then move on. If you're with someone for a while who turns out to be noncommittal, that's awful. But find that out early. You want to be with someone who wants to be with you. Know how you'll know? He'll make it known that he's looking for a forever person. He'll make it known that he wants you to be with him. There'll be no gray areas, no wondering what he's thinking, no eggshells. I read this the other day, and it hit home for me so much: "If someone likes you, you'll know it. If not, you'll be confused". Sounds super simple, and it is. I've spent years being confused by one guy or another. Analyzing their every move, their every text, their every word, wondering why this, why that. But the ones who really liked me? I didn't have to wonder.

You may have to have a "friendship breakup" talk with her, as she's not getting the slow fade. She not only leads a lifestyle with which you are uncomfortable, she demeans you by putting down your past relationships. Calling your former boyfriends ugly is not only mean, it's intended to hurt your feelings while elevating her self-worth. See, I can get these handsome (albeit married) men, as I'm so hot/gym body/IG worthy, I don't need ugly guys like you've had. She preyed on your need to have a friend with her insecurity, which is disguised as her being so wanted and hot. Your only crime was that you tried to be her friend. Well, my friend, that time has come to pass. She's not getting the slow fade because she has but one need: for you to respond, listen, and be there as a sounding board for her, as she seeks out likes, DM's, and desire from others. So it's time to have a breakup talk. You can text this, but I'd rather not have this in writing, because she can then show it to others and use it to smear you. The next time she texts, don't respond. At all. She will then call, as this sort needs the response, somehow. Just tell her that in thinking of your lives, that this friendship no longer works for you, and that you wish her the very best. Why???? But why???? I've only been a great friend to you!! When you dated all those ugly guys, I was there for you!! (ha ha). Please keep this on repeat: This will simply not work for me. I wish you the best.

My name is 3 letters and is a very common name. I'm a female, but it's a name similar to Tom. Or Jim. Or Bob. You have NO. IDEA. how often it's mis prounounced, or misspelled. It's like calling "Tom", Jom. Lom. Rom. It's TOM, you idiots. My mother's name was Carole. Spelled with an "e" at the end, which of course always got left off. My dad leaned into it, and always called her "Caroleeee". She laughed it off.

I hate to say this, but this is what I think is the reality: He's not dating anyone, and he's frisky, so he reached out to what he thought was an easy target. Once you made it clear that a more thoughtful relationship would need to develop these days before you move on physically (good for you!), he made his exit. His apology is just words. Action is what's important here, and he hasn't exhibited it. No, don't chase him. Look at this as a learning experience, and remove him from your followers, and move on.

It's just called Dirty John, make sure you find the original episodes, rather than the 2nd season. It was a true story originally written about in the L.A. Times about an attractive, successful woman who was looking for a great guy. She found him! And then....turns out, he wasn't so great. It's about 8 episodes long, and you can find it on your podcasts. As to why he did this, we have no idea, because we are not in his head. There are a million possibilities. What we need to work on is why you were so inclined to let him into your life, what you were so hungry for, and maybe dig deeply to figure out if it's from a lifetime ago of wanting love that you weren't getting. There's a hunger there that he spoke to, and it was like a puzzle piece, that fit into that space that you needed it to fit into. You allowed him to hypnotically draw you in with just the right words, the attention you craved so much. Why were you craving that so much? What from your life, could be from childhood, created such a space that you were so open to letting these red flags in? These are not actual questions for you to answer on this forum, but rather in therapy, with a good friend, or a journal.

This has Dirty John vibes written all over it. If you're not familiar, find the podcast. There was a series (I believe it's on Netflix), but the podcast is so much better. Something is clearly wrong here. As has been said, he love bombed you, and you fell for it, likely because you've been single and hungry for so long. There's something odd about his whole story about living with his sister, but his parents are upset, yet you can't see where he lives. Does he even have a home? Again, listen to Dirty John. And be glad you are out of this mess.

Such a good point. An apology actually shows strength. It shows awareness. It shows willingness to grow. All things that this woman clearly lacks.

Yes, never "reply all" lol! These days, I don't put a recipient into the email at all until I'm finished writing it. I leave it blank, double check what I wrote, and add the recipient(s). Even for texts. I just received a text from a friend, meant only for me, but she accidentally sent it on a group text that we were on. It's of a personal nature (her life, not mine fortunately lol), but she obviously didn't check. The difference in @boltnrun's case here is that this woman purposely wrote the email, added 6 names, and then sent. It wasn't accidental at all. This woman, to @Wiseman2's point, has likely risen to the level of her incompetence, and now has a level of insecurity that she exhibits via her arrogance and pompousness. It's the mean girl holding all the lunch spots. She won't apologize, because an apology admits error. And she ain't havin' that.

I've done the "buy the house with the guy" thing. Bad. Idea. You've received some great advice here. Not sure if you're still reading here, OP, but please take the advice you've already been given. I can tell you from experience, that even if you equally put in money, and equally pay mortgage, insurance, taxes, HOA, utilities, etc., etc., if you split up, it will be very difficult not only emotionally, but legally, and financially, to extricate yourself from the situation. One person has to agree to take over the mortgage, refinance, get the other person's name off, agree to repay the down payment to the other person, calculate all costs paid in.....blah blah blah.....and it wasn't even a marriage. Do Not Do It. In my case, we both owned homes, and we put them on the market prior to buying the house. His was in a "hot" city, and it sold immediately. Mine didn't sell, and thank goodness, because I'm sitting in it right now. He was kind of screwed, because his home that he could afford on his own was now sold, and the more expensive home we bought together, he took on the debt. Do Not Do It.

To add: I've had some horrible bosses, people who have made me cry, Sundays where I was so depressed I couldn't enjoy the day because Monday was going to be another awful day. Not to generalize, but they were all females. I remember one boss who was so horrific that when she called us into her office to let her know she was quitting, I sang in my head "Ding dong, the witch is gone...." I never even heard her reason. That boss had a boss over her. We were once on a business trip, and my boss was pregnant, but having terrible bleeding and pain. Her boss made her sit in the meetings all morning, wouldn't let her even go to the bathroom. Turns out, she was having a miscarriage. Her boss made her come back to work ASAP, as soon as she was done with the doctor. Another boss (different department), ON 9/11, made everyone snap back to work at 9:30. TV's off, radios off, stay till 5. ON SEPTEMBER 11. These are the people who don't apologize. The rest of the world, which I do believe is 90% good people (ok maybe 80%, lol)....those are the good ones. The ones who will not only apologize, but it will be sincere.

The bolded is why this particular person can't, and likely won't, ever apologize. She not only had to point out what she perceived as your error (we understand that it actually wasn't), but she had to copy SIX other people. SIX???? She sounds like a workplace bully who is using her position to scold you. Condescend to you, demean you. And let SIX other people know it. Yes, of course people can, and do, apologize. But not with a person who has a score to settle, someone who has a superiority complex, an arrogance, a need to stand above someone else. Like this one.

You suffered childhood abuse at the hands of your grandparents, and abandonment from your parents. Agree that trauma therapy is needed here. Please look into EMDR and talk therapy. I am so so sorry you suffered this.

Also: It's not about whether the new partner is "better", "more professional", "whiter teeth", or any other quality you want to ascribe to the person. It's about him, and what he did. Not about you, and not about her. In one case, my friend called me (10 years ago, now), as she found out her husband was cheating. He's now married to the woman. My friend couldn't believe it: This woman was 100 lbs. overweight, super obnoxious, loud, and had less of an education, and a lower-paying job than my friend. I had the same discussion with her: It's not about you. It's about him. P.S.: My friend has been married now for about 7 years to an amazing man who adores her.

Here's the harsh truth: Yes, often they do. In every case I can think of where the wife had to embrace the new spouse, due to having shared kids with the cheating husband, the wife is now with partners who are actually better for them and adore them. In the interim, it's a harsh reality. In the cases I know of, these came after years of marriage, children, houses, finances. So just be grateful that you found out early, that you noticed these red flags early, and that you didn't waste decades of your life with this louse.

^^ This is great advice, especially the bolded. I'm so sorry this happened to you. My heart is with you. Something wasn't quite smelling right with his whole "too too busy" routine, which is why you came here for advice. You knew it wasn't a great start to a new relationship, you questioned it, and unfortunately, your red flag detector was correct. Don't worry about who she is, how white her teeth are, or anything else about her. He's woo-ing her now just as he did you; he's buying her the little gifts he bought you; he's telling her the sweet nothings he told you. This is about what a cad he is, not about her. She might need a friend in her future, as the way you get 'em, is usually the way you lose 'em.

I'm so sorry. This is so disappointing, and I know you must feel so hurt. As for the watch, is there a way to remove engraving and smooth it out? Not saying it could be returned after that, but it could be sold via a shopping app. As for your heart, this is truly hurtful. Hugs to you. You will look back and see all the little orange blinking flags that turned to red, once enough space and time have passed. How did you find out?

Look, I get why you're making excuses for him. You're crazy about him and you envisioned it working out. It could definitely work out, if you're willing to be that "doctor widow" wife. Or, you could realize that the reason you're questioning this now is because you realize this isn't right. It isn't good, and it isn't going to work for you. Otherwise, you'd be happy posting all your happy couple pics, gathering likes, and planning your new doctor wife wardrobe. You are here, asking the questions, because you know in your heart that this will drive you crazy. It already is. Don't be like me and stick around for 2+ years ("too busy" executive VP, ooh such a stressful job). I spent 2+ years on pins & needles, willing the phone to ring. This isn't about texting vs. calling vs. sending up a smoke signal. This is about a man who simply compartmentalizes his life so much that he never even mentioned he was looking for a new car, let alone buying one, let alone taking you for the first ride. Don't you want the guy who will pick you up in his snazzy new car and treat you to the first ride? I think you do, and that's why you are here. Questioning, reading, responding.

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. In a normal, stable relationship, people don't continually repeat that they won't cheat. They just. Don't. Cheat. The fact that it seems this was an almost daily occurrence, her reassurances that she'd never cheat, and her pinky-swearing, repeating, ad nauseam, was a signal that....she was going to cheat. People tell you what they're going to do. The fact that you had such intense passion for her, yet such tragedy in your life, leads me to believe that your brain was trying to put a puzzle together: Insert enormous amount of love here, into this blank space where love used to be. Insert "soulmate" passion into this space where tragedy lies. I'm not saying you didn't have a connection with her, of course you did. What I'm saying is that she said all the right things to make your heart go pitter patter. Her actions did not match up. As for the Xanax, well, since she seems to have passed away from overuse, it's possible that she did have a personality change, as it appears she was abusing it. How was she getting all the extra Xanax? Again, I'm so sorry you're hurting. Find a different therapist; find 10 therapists. You need to get to the heart of your many losses, and see why this relationship felt so different: it fit into what you needed in your life, so your grief from her is compounded by grief you've felt in the rest of your life.

I wouldn't have the patience for this. Texts to cancel tonight because he bought a new car that he hadn't told you about, so that he can run it up to show his parents? ?????? Didn't even mention it to you? Doesn't want to show it to you first? You are an option to him. This is what we call crumbs.

Yes, this was abuse. She used these things to keep you on eggshells. What is she going to throw away of mine now? What crazy thing is she going to do next? Oh wait, cut my hair? Take back a gift? What next? It's about keeping the victim on their toes, keeping the abuser in control. It's abuse. Please find a great therapist who can help you sort through this. Not one who just says, "tell me how that made you feel", or "let's get some tools to help you, like a walk in the park". Oh no, this requires some deep dive stuff, possibly EMDR. Abuse comes in different forms, and I'm here to validate: If you felt it, it existed.

I actually think that she does like you and is interested in you romantically. She wants to show you off. She wants to show her friends and coworkers this great new guy she found. She also, unfortunately, is "girl who can't be alone". She will always be inviting people, as she needs to be surrounded. This is who she is. She will maybe ask you once in a while if you mind if someone else joins, and you'll say that yes, you do mind, so you'll spend one night alone with her. And then, she'll do it again. You will never have a one-on-one relationship with her, because that's not who she is. She's a "group" person. She may not be for you. It wouldn't work for me, as I've been there, and I had to walk away.

Your heart was in the right place. But, with a narcissist, nothing in the world can be said or done to make them understand, and that goes for their enabler (your wife's father). The enabler is actually just as much at fault here, as they knowingly watched and enabled/encouraged this narci-monster to thrive, injuring your wife when in the process. You are talking to cement blocks here. You feel better because it's off your chest, but the cement blocks only hear your complaining, and they then take it out on your wife. It's a no-win situation. As was said in the movie "War Games", the only winning move is not to play. This is coming from someone who had the identical set of parents. I know from where I speak.

3 months ago, you received great advice when you posted: https://www.enotalone.com/topic/454552-my-boyfriend-lashses-out-any-time-i-bring-up-any-concerns-i-have-about-our-relationship/#comment-5768558 Today, you've received great advice on your current post. 3 months from now, and 3 years from now, and 10 years from now, you'll receive more of the same great advice. Only you'll be 40 and alone. And 50. And 60. The advice is all the same: Get a therapist. Enlist help from friends, family, church members, a family pet. Realize that this is abuse. Gaslighting. He's a bad dude. Nada. Zilch. As to your question, about being afraid to be alone? The answer is simple: You'll be alone. You'll have to deal with it, like many before you. Like you've dealt with everything in your life that you were afraid of before this. Yes, it sounds harsh, but what are you more afraid of....watching your favorite Netflix show alone, or cringing every time he calls?