Starlight925

If you're not going to cut ties, then I have a New Year's Resolution for you: "I will break things off if I find one more text, one more message, one more "phone is silent, turned over, took it into the bathroom, he jumped when he saw it flash" moment."

I'll be a bit harsh here, but I'll say it: On your last thread, you had pages & pages of advice that you ignored. Everyone told you what a loser, user, narcissist this guy was, yet you're here, on yet another thread, saying what a good guy he is. You're not hearing anyone but yourself, which was one of his issues with you. To become likable, you have to become Interested, not Interesting. This guy was. A Loser. I don't care what his social media shows. I don't care how he's flowering her with lovey dovey dates, I don't care what they look like in all their pics. Maybe she has a super low self-esteem and is happy to just receive any attention. He is not a good guy. For you, at least, as you had a litany of reasons with which everyone agreed. Honestly, I gave up on your last thread because I realize that none of the great advice you received was being heard. While I apologize for my harsh tone, I'm trying to get through to you that your self esteem is at issue. You accepted a guy who, from Date ONE, had complaints about you. Date One! That should be the butterflies, thinking about kissing each other, ooooh our knees just touched, date. Not, Oh, I have a complaint about you. You say that he said this to you later on, that you don't listen, which is, quite frankly, a very annoying trait in any type of relationship. When someone is telling a story, instead of interrupting, just. keep. your. mouth. shut. Ask a question, so they can continue. Don't say, "Oh, this happened to me, here's my story blah blah blah". Just. Listen. Again: Become Interested. Not Interesting.

In addition to restraining order: Change all the locks. Get a security system with cameras, both inside and out. If your mother is not comfortable with a firearm, then at the very least, get several canisters of mace to place around the home. Change your mother's phone number, and block him from that new number. I know this all seems excessive, but it isn't. What's excessive is what you've already posted about him. This is awful, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with it, but please start taking these actions today.

Why are you giving this one more day, let alone one more year?

I am so sorry you're dealing with this. My heart goes out to you. Agree with the previous posters that this marriage is on its last legs. Are you from another country? Would you go back, or stay in France? I ask because right now, logistics are going to be the most important thing. You say you're only married 4 years, which is not a long time. That will serve you well in figuring things out, as you will need to go back to relying on yourself from before your marriage. Financially, job-wise, personal friends, pets, etc. Since it's such a short-term marriage and I'm presuming no kids, it could be a simple divorce, without even lawyers. You can research the laws there to figure this out. Bottom line: Yes, this is not a good man. He's treating you as an option, rather than as a partner. He's using his ex to compare against you, to use it as a weapon against you. He knows it hurts you when he brings her up, which is why he does it in moments of anger. This is not a warm, compassionate man. This is also not about "other offers" you may have had. Right now, this is about you and you alone, and removing yourself from this situation. My advice would be to figure all of this out logistically, with confidence, and give yourself 6 months to a year before even thinking about dating. You will appreciate this advice once you are on the other side of this. I really do personally understand this. Trust me, I get it.

You contradicted yourself here.

Oh. My. Not diagnosing, but this one has narcissist tendencies written all over him. Showing you a photo of a receipt so you can pay him back for coffee? Then making you feel insecure by clicking on all of his ex's IG photos and bringing them up in conversation, only to drive a little knife in further each time. Then repeating how beautiful you are, texting you his food, his little sweet nothings (truly nothing, as texting is free), and berating you for not planning proper dates. But getting you to move closer to him, drive to him, pay for him, even insuring him on your car? There is no "there" there. This wasn't a relationship. My guess is (and I'm not a therapist, soooo.....).....this is your own issues, from your own wayback machine, trying to find love, feel love, feel loved. Somewhere, someone made you feel less than, not deserving. This guy put a temporary, non-waterproof bandaid over your wound, and now that the bandaid has dissolved, it's time for you to figure out why you were so drawn to this. Edited to add: You seem to be surprised at all the "Yep, he's a narcissist" comments here. A quick lesson on how a narcissist approaches a relationship: Love Bomb/Idealize. Devalue. Replace. Discard. Repeat. I know you'll say, "but he hasn't replaced me"! He doesn't have to, as you've been "replaced" this whole time with his exes. He has them at his fingertips to contact. Oh, and guess what....you are now one of his exes that he will maintain contact with, to unsettle his next girl. And the next one, and the next one. This move is called "Hoovering" as in the vacuum. Hoover you back in, say pretty things, then turn the vacuum off, you wonder where he is, and he hoovers on back in.

You've been given great advice, Shelley, but I also want to commend you on how you're taking the advice: with a lot of thought and desire to truly learn from the situation. This is where growth happens. And yes, it's great that it's all written out because, as you said, you can come back to it later. You're doing great. In fact, what I'm observing is that in every post, you're responding with desire to learn, and when you look back, this is what will be important. These guys are a dime a dozen, but you, Shelley, you are a diamond. 😀

There is a blood test for herpes, the IGG antibodies test. Positive antibodies show that the virus is present, with antibodies present to surround the virus. That being said, OP, I am honestly very sorry you went through this. I believe that you didn't know, and that you wore protection, but that you now have learned a very hard lesson. Yes, you actually do have to share this with everyone you date in the future. Legally, I believe, as once you are aware, there can be legal action against you if a future partner becomes infected. This is not a death sentence, nor is it a sign that you will never find a relationship, or that she will never find a partner. There are so many HSV-2 positive people out there, and many will be ok to date someone who is positive. It is so much more common than people think. The important thing is, not only tell your future partners, but don't have sex at all during the prodromal stage (that stage where you feel like a lesion is coming on), or the actual outbreak itself. As for this girl, the best you can do is apologize profusely (I believe you have), and then let her be. FWIW, I have a very good friend, married now 20+ years to a great guy, with 2 kids. He's this awesome guy who could have gotten any girl, yet when he met my friend, he fell immediately in love. The kicker...she's HSV-2 positive. She told him on one of their first dates, and he said....so???

^^ This. For some reason, these guys all have the same thing in common: They are all in need of a therapist. You are maybe not necessarily playing that role, but in staying past the first few red flags, you're allowing yourself to be hurt by these men who are simply not dateable. Yes, they appear dateable at first. They've "dealt" with their issues (turns out they have not), they treat you well, they call when they say they will. Until it turns out, their issues are still very much there. Get out sooner. And figure out why you stay, and why you ruminate over it. A healthy relationship doesn't start out like this, nor does it get worse. To have a healthy relationship, we must be a healthy partner, which means getting out when we realize it doesn't work for us, and staying out, both physically and mentally. Think of it this way: Say you decide to quit eating junk food, start working out, want to live a healthier lifestyle. You meet a new friend, but she's into fast food, couch surfing, and doesn't own a pair of walking shoes. If you decide to stay her friend, that's cool, but she's not likely to change to work with your new lifestyle, so eventually, you'll need to find friends, in a world, where you can practice this newfound healthy lifestyle without judgment. Staying in her world, on the couch eating the broken chips at the bottom of the bag, keeps you stuck.

I disagree that he's staying in touch with her because he has feelings for her. In fact, they're not together, because he likely doesn't have feelings for her. So why does he stay in touch, loan her money, keep it all a secret? Because he can. He likes this string. He likes the fact that she needs him. He keeps her on a tether because it feeds his ego in some way; he keeps her a secret from you because in his mind, he can get her back at any time, while keeping you as well. He likes to keep her in his orbit, because it feeds a need in him. She texts him, and he gets a rush of knowing that she still has feelings for him, while he has his arm around you. This is not healthy. Ask me how I know all this....

I quoted your posts from May and November, in addition to today's query about this current guy. In May, the guy was too busy to date. He was too busy to even ever speak on the phone. In November, the guy suffered from depression and seemed to need a therapist, as he'd show up an hour & a half late, unkempt. Today's post is about a guy who has some sort of familial issues that are causing him stress. In all of your posts, you repeatedly say you don't want to be someone's therapist. You tell the guys this. Yet, you find yourself in the role of therapist. Your question today is "What's wrong with me"? My response: You gravitate towards guys who are not dateable, but you write paragraphs about all the details about how wonderful they are, dismissing any notion of what would be good for you. What is it that you want? If it's a guy who isn't too busy to date, a guy who has completely worked out his mental health issues, a guy who can be that 50/50 partner for you, then what's wrong with you is, you're not only gravitating towards these wrong-for-you guys, you're ruminating over them. I know this sounds harsh, but it's not meant to be. Figure out what patterns in your own life, your childhood, your world, that keep drawing you to men who are simply not relationship material. This might take therapy on your part.

To add to my post about seeking a great therapist until you find one: It took me dozens of therapists to find a few that really helped me. I traveled to another city to see one; I did virtual with one in another city, and I did phone therapy with another in a different city. I walked out of group therapy in my own city when I realized it was zero help. The best one I ever found turned out to not be a psychologist, but a LMT (??). It's not about whether a therapist is "good" or "bad". It's about how they can help you delve into what's going on. I give you props for recognizing this as an issue and asking the question. So many people are just about showing off their toys, whereas you are actually realizing this is an issue, and you are trying to get to the bottom of it. Kudos to you!

If you don't click with a particular therapist, find another one. And another one. And one until you finally find one who gets that this addiction is from a deep-rooted insecurity, something from perhaps your childhood, where you didn't feel "enough", or didn't feel "worthy". On the surface, you may have had the greatest upbringing in the world, but something, somewhere down the line was likely some messaging, or perhaps your own thoughts, that you needed to be "more". That others had "more", that others could do "more", could be "more". This new, new, new, is not just an obsession or an addiction. It's a signal. It's the symptom. When you have high blood pressure, it's a symptom that something is wrong with your body. You seek a qualified doctor to help you figure out the cause. This is no different. It doesn't matter whether you show off your new things, or keep them in a drawer. It's about what the new, new new means to you. There are people who order from sites just to get boxes. And don't even open the boxes, because it's all about the next box. Yes, there are qualified therapists who can help you get to the root of it, but it may be a needle in a haystack finding one.

The topic of your post asked the question of whether you should you call out your co-worker. Many of us gave a similar answer, and you didn't like that answer. That's ok, it's your right to like or not like advice. But if you were looking for people to give you the advice you already had your mind made up to, you should have phrased it differently. That being said, I've been in your shoes. I've had the horrid co-workers who undermine me. I've taken many a route, and I can tell you from experience, high road has served me best. Never once has it served me well when I've tried to call out someone. Not once. But you do you, and keep us updated on how it goes.

While this rejection stings, it's an opportunity to really look at yourself and figure out just what went wrong in this friendship, what your part is in it. I'd want to truly know, so that I could course correct, if it was me. I say this after years & years of watching friendships dissolve. Some of mine, some of friends who no longer speak. In every single instance, the "dumpee" never understands just WHY. I had a birthday dinner party earlier this year and invited two friends who no longer speak. I figured, this might open up the opportunity, with their husbands there, to be cordial, and open the door. Funny enough, each was out of town that weekend. The "dumpee" friend is still hurt about this, years later, as the "dumper" friend sent her an email similar to the one you received. I have 2 other friends now, one is the "dumper". The "dumpee" has ZERO idea why. Since it's not my business to tell why (even though I know), I sent them both a text saying we should have a holiday drink together, which is occurring this Tuesday. Wish me luck, lol. In almost every single case, the "dumper" feels that they were not listened to, heard, or validated. I left a friendship about 10 years ago for this reason, and in the past couple of years, she reached back out, so we are back in touch. I do love her (so I think that CAN be true of what your friend said), but I can't stand how she interrupts me constantly. I'm telling her about something important to me, and mid-sentence, she says, "I like that shirt. Where'd you get it?", etc. Whereas, like @Batya33 says, when someone talks to me, it's full on attention. Phone's silent, in my purse. Texts can be responded to later. A friend recently didn't respond to my text for about 2 hours, and when she did, she apologized, but she was on the phone with someone else and wanted to give them her full attention. I told her, no apology necessary, and how much I appreciate that! She then said, ok Starlight, full attention to you....what's up?

Um, yeah, that's a no for me, dog. If it's a no for you too, then it's a no. Tell him. If he's not ok with this, or he simply "can't" have sex without it, then it might be an unfortunate mismatch.

You already declined the invitation many months ago, correct? So why do you feel the need to justify not going now, after you already declined a long time ago? I'm not trying to be accusatory; I'm just asking the question. Are you afraid of hurting your brother's feelings by not attending, even though you've already said you wouldn't? I mean, you could feel just as sad that your brother doesn't want to cancel his party in light of this impending situation to attend hospice to be by her side along with you. I feel like you're trying to please everyone, that maybe you've always been the pleaser? And when you step out of that pleaser role, you're afraid of what others will think. Well in this particular situation, I'd worry only about what you think, because you will only get this last chance with her once. And if this is more important to you than worrying about who's going to steal the $25 TJ Maxx gift card, then I have to say, I agree.

I hate that you have to deal with this. Co-workers who are like this are often very insecure, jealous, and use every trick in the book to undermine you and put you down, to elevate their own self worth. Best way to deal with it: Nothing. Nada. Zero. Literally, when you hear things about yourself from this person: Just. Be. Blank. Respond with "Sure is cold outside today". "I saw a great movie the other night". "How's your dog?" Gray Rock. You can look that up, but it means to behave with the personality of a Gray rock, i.e. bland. Zero ammunition. Whether it's directly from her, or someone else tells you she said something, just Gray Rock it. She is not your supervisor. You owe her nothing. I've BTDT, so I get how hard this is. Be polite. Be Courteous. Go Home.

Has happened to me, twice actually. Both after a year or more together, both after starting off super strong, exclusive quickly, telling me how much better I was than their ex, etc. Both times, they found someone else quickly after me, and both times, they are still married to that person. Both times, we got along great, never fought, had great physical affection. Both times, I was completely heartbroken and lost afterward. There are all these "rules" about not dating someone too soon after their other breakup, but in both cases, they found someone right after me, so how is that true? I think, as others have said, so much of it is a crapshoot. Just a very lucky roll of the dice as to the timing of when two people find each other. In both cases, now that there is time between myself and those relationships, I realize that neither one would have worked. I realize that, in both cases, I was bending myself like a pretzel to be that "great gal" for these guys. Coincidentally, both were really into boats & water life, so I got into it. Turns out, it's not my thing. I got into listening to their music, putting mine aside. Their types of movies, putting mine aside. One was an enormous Star Wars guy (slept out for tickets, seen it 100+ times, etc.). I spent one very long weekend watching The Trilogy, trying as hard as I could to pay attention, just to be able to discuss it with him. But anything I was into? I did those things alone. My point is, at some point, you'll realize that this was not your relationship. This was not the one for you, and you'll see that this was not the love of your life that you thought it was. I wandered around my house crying and crying in my pj's and slippers. I get the hurt, I promise.

I haven't gone out for NYE in decades. Last year, I ordered a steak dinner from a great steakhouse, and sat there by myself, with a nice glass of red wine and movies. It's just such a peaceful feeling to me, to count my blessings and listen to the fireworks all around me at midnight, while not having to worry about getting out in the crazy traffic. This year, my brother is having a dinner party, which will be nice, since it will be 10 people (relatively small), and I'll know everyone. Everyone is bringing great food, and since I'm driving over there, I won't drink (never do when I go there, unless I decide to Uber). I'll be home by 9:30, lol. Enjoy your peaceful NYE. I know I will!

In my situation, I'm treating it as a "gray rock" situation. That's where any communication is treated as blandly as a gray rock, i.e., surface-level only. I just sent both of her daughters holiday presents. They each called me immediately to thank me & fill me in on their lives. Again, all surface level, gray rock mode. I'm not giving anyone in her circle anything to use against me. It's easy for others to tell you to just disregard your sister, or to just "move on". It's your sister. Your blood. You are hurting about it, which is why you wrote here about it. I get it. The best you can do, is what you're doing. The holiday card might open up a teeny door, or it might not. But it's a positive thing, and you should be commended for it.

What was the nature of your fight? How long ago was it? Do you have other siblings, and if so, does she get along with them? You say she "phones in" a relationship with your parents. How far does she live from them, and does she see them often? As others suggested, I'd send a nice card, without hope of anything in return. For all you know, your address is just one of hundreds on her list, and one of her kids, or even a housekeeper, could have been the one to address it. I'm not saying that's the case, but I wouldn't read too much into it. From someone who is having very similar (but different) sister issues ATM...

Yeah, that's a No for me, dog. I wouldn't even tell him why. He'll turn it around on you anyway, saying that you just don't understand him, that you're not as kind as he is, helping out his ex like he is. You'll come back here, heartbroken at the way he's speaking to you, and you'll get more similar advice.

In one long paragraph, you said the word "mother" 14 times. This isn't about Nikki vs. Tanya. This is about you healing from the pain of having had such a horrible childhood, and your mother still takes center stage, controlling everything you do. Only now, as an adult.....you're letting her. This isn't about a blue pill. This is about therapy, deep dive, perhaps EMDR.