For context I am 41 (m), have not had many relationships - the longest one began when I was 35 with a woman over 15 years older than I, let's call her Tanya (not real name) - we never lived together and it was often volatile but I was more or less content with it, but we grew apart and she broke it off last year after about 4.5 years of dating off and on. We remain friends and talk probably once a week or so, so no bad vibes there. Since then I've been on some dates including with one woman who kind of ghosted me or at least broke things off w/o explanation after several dates and really ticks me off even now thinking about it b/c it felt like things were going well there. That was earlier this year in start of summer. More recently I started seeing someone who lives 4 hours or so away, let's call her Nikki (again not real name). We've met in real life already (haven't slept together yet) and have some plans over the next month to spend more time together. Nikki is also older than I am though not as old as Tanya was. There is strong chemistry I think on both sides and she is def my "type" in terms of hair color / height / build etc. Not that this is everything but it is something. And she is smart and we culturally have things in common, some religious and politics differences but nothing that is "deal breaker" and overall I quite like her on a number of levels.
However - there is "cognitive dissonance" due to issues that have nothing personal to do w/ Nikki but are enough to make me less than "over the moon" about this new potential relationship developing. W/o getting into my autobiography I had (have) a psychopath mother - think Carrie's mother from the Stephen King movie Carrie - who was a religious fanatic, thought sex was invented by Satan, etc. She warned me many times for example that if I knocked a girl up I'd ruin my life - hence now I prefer middle age women to date (i.e. I can't get them pregnant), just as one example. My father was a psycho in a different way but also religious fanatic and (no surprise here with that demographic) sexually abused me. (My father also told me that if I masturbated I would grow up to become the next Ted Bundy, lol.) So in my younger days other than a few booze-fueled encounters I avoided dating altogether (settling for drinking and consuming internet "entertainment" if you catch my drift, instead of real dating). Needless to say I am not as religious (more agnostic) than my growing up and I also quit drinking and basically got my life back together but it took a process to do that. This was when I first met the aforementioned woman Tanya, a few months after getting sober and started my only real relationship in the past. But even though I've gotten my act together I am deeply angry still as anyone would be. I've cut my father out of my life (ghosted the mothereffer) and still talk to my mother but keep distance there too (i.e. phone calls now and then but minimize real life contact and she is in different part of the country anyway). I think these "issues" didn't have as much impact when I dated Tanya - though they did probably some - for example sometimes I have hard time "rising to the occasion" if one catches my drift - and that probably was part of why things ended though not only reason - so yes there was fallout there but I think I was happy to have a relationship at all that I didn't worry so much about things not being perfect for one thing and for another thing my mother (no surprise) always had negative things to say about Tanya so dating Tanya felt (in a good way) subversive - like I wanted to keep dating Tanya just to give my mother the middle finger. My mother is aware that I am talking to this new person now Nikki and maybe she has mellowed in her old age or whatever but hasn't really sniped about Nikki the way she always would about others in the past. Which might be good thing, but it also means it feels less "subversive" to date Nikki than it did to date Tanya. Part of me wishes I could get back w/ Tanya for no other reason than to piss my mother off. Nikki and I have more things in common (frankly Nikki is smarter than Tanya and I am fairly above average IQ myself) so "objectively" Nikki is the better relationship for me I think. Not that Tanya would probably be interested to get back together anyway. So I literally feel so torn - on the one hand there is the fun butterflies of getting to know someone new, the anticipation that comes w/ that etc. - on the other hand I am deeply angry about many things and - no disrespect to Nikki here who is a great person - but it feels like a "consolation prize". I think deep down I fear that if everything goes well w/ Nikki and maybe she and I get married or whatever, that would give "cover" to my mother (i.e. enable her to say what she did was not as damaging as really it was, because, see, look, I turned out fine, or whatever - even though in point of fact I'll never for example have kids, thanks 100% to my mother's complexes she put on me). But on other hand I don't want to be a monk the rest of my life also (which would also be "letting my mother win" so to speak needless to say). I have a prescription from my doctor to avoid potential future problems of difficulty "rising to the occaison" so hopefully that won't be as much an issue should things get more serious w/ Nikki but it pisses me off I even have that problem to begin with - I am 41 and I feel like I am too young for that or should be anyway. (Exercise there helps too I think and I've been doing more exercise also parenthetically.) So here is the basic thing: part of me wants to pursue things w/ Nikki b/c I think she and I work well together by any objective analysis - the other part of me wants to self-sabatoge that just to basically tell my mother that she effing ruined my life and I won't be placated by some g-ddamn consolation prize. Again this is Nothing against Nikki - she is great - but it is like I am too angry right now to be happy with this new potential relationship developing, and I honestly want to be back w/ Tanya for the sole reason to p.o. my mother. (And if Tanya is not interested than I would want to find someone else that I know would particularly meet with the opprobrium of my mother, let us say.) I know this is immature of me to feel this way but it just is what it is in terms of these feelings. Like I hate what was done to me so much (as anyone would, it was all but literal castration) that I am willing to self-destruct just to get back at them if one wills. Hate and the desire for revenge can indeed become stronger than the self-preservation instinct or desire for happiness - I've read this and now am experiencing precisely this - wanting to self-destruct just to take one's enemies down with one, literally or at least metaphorically. Any advice appreciated, thanks. (And once again I emphasize I have nothing but good things to say about Nikki - she had nothing to do w/ any of this.)
