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Shelley511

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  1. I appreciate this perspective as it may be the case in a future situation. I'm positive that it wasn't an exit plan though. Thank you again. All of your past feedback has been very valuable.
  2. Thank you for this. I guess I'm greiving and abandonment in relationships is literally the only thing that I haven't worked through so matter how much work I've done on it. I know sound selfish but in my mind it's like 'why can't you?'. I can't relate to him in this way. I really appreciate this response. It's a summary of the situation that I need to process.
  3. I think this mindset would have been me two years ago. But with this most recent guy, I didn't consciously want that. But maybe my patterns are more deeply rooted. I was honestly bummed when I found out about his trauma but what made him different from others is that he actually made huge changes in his life that I admired. But maybe you never truly recover from family trauma. Maybe he tried on the church community too much. We both wanted bigger and better out of life. This will be a tough one to grieve. By the turmoil experienced by the person you were involved with, I'm assuming your referring to things he was going through at that moment but I could be totally wrong. Maybe my first instinct should also be to walk away when someone is triggered. I had learned to manage my triggers minus one so I assumed that he could too especially granted the structure he had established. But I was wrong. Thank you for sharing a true experience. I clearly have some reflecting to do.
  4. I guess when I made the comment about wanting to be there, I was coming from a place of just not leaving someone because they're going through something because most people will go through something at a certain point. But I guess that would be better used for someone who wasn't triggered and have the trauma that he does. I'm trying to be very vague about his trauma. Your comment about trauma repeating in a good point. I guess the way his life turned around (turning to church and people from there, having boundaries, etc) made me think that he would be able to manage challenges well in the future. With this guy, I'm positive it wasn't an exit plan. This isn't not in option in life though. Thank you for your response! It'll be great to have when my mind is more clear to process.
  5. I guess I never got the opportunity to support him but I think I would have been willing to sit on the sidelines for a bit. I wouldn't abandon him because he was going through things. People go through ***. I guess I think about long term relationships and how one person is bound to go through something but it doesn't mean you just walk away. But maybe my mindset about that is the issue. I can't keep going through this situations so I may just have to be more strict. Thank you again
  6. I think this is great advice to consider. It's tough to just say no to anyone with trauma. The consequences to trauma that hasn't been worked through is very clear from my experience. I've also learned that even if it does seem as though it was worked though, you truly don't know until faced with an occasion of when the other person is triggered. But does it mean that these people aren't worthy of a relationship? I'd like to think not as I'm someone who has grown so much from my own trauma. I'm typically triggered by feeling abandoned relationally aka situations like this. Other than that, I'm fine. I think trauma is more broad that what people typically think it is too. But maybe for my own wellbeing, running when I find out anything is the course to take. I need some time to grieve right now. Thank you for this again. A lot to think about.
  7. Hmmm that's a very good point. It's tough because I've read about attachment theory and the people who are single and dating are mostly emotionally unavailable so the odds are against me. It doesn't mean that they aren't capable of a relationship, just challenges. Communication was huge for him and I which is why I thought we'd make it. I think a lot of people have trauma and don't acknowledge it. It's tough to just cross out these people as options but maybe it's time to. Thank you for this. Glad I can come back and read/reflect on it.
  8. Thanks for this. This guy was the one who seemed to have actually worked on his issues. I think he may have leaned too much on his faith and the church. He is very religious and really involved in the church. I don't know how much sooner I would have gotten out. Turn away the moment I find out there's trauma? This was the first spiraling episode and it caught me off guard to hear/see. I have so much processing and reflecting to do. My ruminating is my huge issue. I think deep down I take it personally when I come across people who aren't healthy and can't show up. That's my childhood trauma showing that I have worked on for years. Your analogy was great. These people keep me stuck. It's odd that he's the first guy I've truly felt safe with though. Thank your for your feedback again. Much appreciated.
  9. I don't think I was trying to fix him. But I can see how my statement about wanting to be there can come off that way. This is good advice in general though.
  10. I appreciate this a lot. It gives me a lot to think about when my head is less cloudy. I can truly say that I had made changes after each one. For example, with the investment banker who was always was busy, I made sure the next guy put effort and time into me but he wasn't vulnerable and hadnt worked through his stuff, we had loads of fun though. The most reason guy was respectful, out effort in, it felt so easy and he put effort into healing his past trauma. But this guy was triggered by a couple of family members that he fought with. I don't know how it ends up like this because they don't do anything questioning right away. I don't think I'd feel guilty, but I don't know. But I do know that once I care about someone, i care enough to try to stay. I need to think about what the evidence is that they've worked through their issues. How do I know before they're triggered or have some sort of episode? I've gotten so much therapy but I clearly need more. Thank you so much for your response, I find it very valuable.
  11. Thank you for your response, I appreciate it. Ive just done so many adjustments and he met all my needs. Like I had written down exactly what I wanted. Everyone has their baggage and I truly was looking for the signs that he had worked through it. It was how he spiraled because of a fight with his family members that caught me off guard. He's also religious so I think he thinks there's also a spiritual element to it as well. It's just so difficult to accept that despite making this list and reflecting on past situations, it didn't work out. I think I need to accept that him spiraling because of family may be something that is lifelong response to whenever he would get in a fight with them. He says that his mind has never felt like this before and it has lingered for over a week. I do work with a trauma informed mental health professional. Trauma bonding is definitely something I should research more. It didn't feel like that was what was happening because I've been there before. Maybe I'm just dealing with the consequences of dating someone who hadn't actually learned how to manage their responses to trauma even if it seemed like it did. But then again... 3 failures this year. I need to question why I personalize these things so much when it isn't about me. In the two prior situations, I can definitely see where I should have put my foot down. With this one, his response to his fight with family would have been my first sign if I didn't want to just walk away when I find out that someone has a bit of a history. This sucks. I'm doing a lot of thinking as I type this out. I really do appreciate your response. I'm still cloudy from the shock of this situation. I'm glad that I'll have this to read again later.
  12. I don't remember when he told me about his relationship with his parents. Probably around the time we became exclusive. But when he was triggered by the fight with his family members was after we were exclusive. It was my first time seeing how he responded to a stressor like that. He generally handles stress easily. The reason why I said that I wasn't looking to be a therapist was when we were discussing our needs in a relationship. In retrospect, I see where you're coming from but I didn't make the comment is response to anything he had said. It was on my list of needs along with - wants kids, consistency, congruency, etc. I went into this round of dating knowing what my needs were. He had told me what his list was too. I guess a great point you made was me needing to understand when someone is being vulnerable/open and when they're trauma dumping. I was under the impression that he was being vulnerable because it's not like he was pouring out his soul to me and these things he told me are a big reason of who he is how and why he values what he does. But maybe he shared too much. Maybe I should just accept that most men I come across who have that trauma, likely truly haven't worked through it even if it seems like the did. It's tough because he treated me SO well. I know I'll get through it with time but I felt understood, safe probably for the first time and respected. I appreciate your kind words and your wisdom.💚 I think I'll need lots of ice cream and time to grieve.
  13. I don't believe that I am behaving as a therapist for any of them to their faces. With the current one, we were slowly unraveling. He had asked if being divorced was a dealbreaker for me as he had been. Later on in dating, I found out that she had cheated on him. He discussed how important family was to him when we were discussing values and such. In a similar matter, I found out that he put effort into his parents and siblings a lot because he wanted healthy relationships with them. I know a couple of other details that are major but not all the details. I didn't give him feedback or meet up with him to discuss traumas all day. I'm just aware of what trauma is because of all the therapy I've received. I'm not justifying anything or trying to disagree with you. I'm just not sure how I played the therapist in this scenario. Is it because I know some things? Please know I'm not trying to disrespect you! When I had brought up not being a therapist, it was because I was discussing my needs of things being consistent, congruency, equals, individuals with hobbies, friends, etc who come together when they are good apart. What's interesting is I thought he was datable because all of the work he had done on himself and how self aware he was. I didn't expect him to mentally spiral when he got in a fight with his family. Witnessing it caught me off guard. He had all the clear needs that I listed. I guess he didn't work through things enough even thought he has a good support base, got help in the past, has his faith, drive to grow, has very clearly grown and self awareness. I appreciate your feedback so much! Thank you!
  14. Your assumption was correct. I don't even think I go into anything intending to fix anyone. But I think you're referring to me being upset that they can't balance their self care and being in a relationship? I truly don't realize that they are charity cases if I'm honest. Both guys put a real effort in. With the depressed guy, I noticed the darkness in his eyes, the unkeptness of him, etc., and I made note of it but didn't process it at the time until *** hit the fan. He had never opened up about his issues until the end. With the last guy, he was very intentional, he was so self aware and worked on himself so much, had a great support base and relied on his faith so much that I figured that he had processed and grown from his past. This past week was the first indication that he wasn't as healed as I thought he was. Our communication was so great. This is going to sound so stupid but it was the first time I've felt safe in my gut about a romantic connection. But apparently I still have a problem. I really appreciate your feedback. I keep making improvements to how I approach things but apparently mistakes still happen.
  15. He's very traditional so the dates were great. Picked me up, went to eat or grab drinks, would talk, never pressured me into sex but it did happen when I was ready and wanted to, went to his work party, etc. He treated me very respectfully and it was clear he valued me. He communicated very openly throughout it. A month in he told me that he sees me being long term but we aren't there yet which I understood and I wasn't even bringing up exclusivity. We made things exclusive a week after that though. He has his list of needs and I guess he was just making sure I checked them off just like I was very overt about what I needed. I found out about his divorce right away because he asked if being divorced is a dealbreaker for me. I think that is reasonable. I found out later that she had cheated on him. I found out about some of his family stuff (I didn't know all of it, probably skimmed the surface) 1 1/2 months in. It's interesting because the last two guys were not vulnerable AT ALL. The guy that things just ended with and I discussed how we will slowly unravel. He had a good support base of friends and his faith so I trusted that he would be ok. He had counseling in the past too.
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