craigblitz

Same advice applies.... Just try to follow it....DO NOT CONTACT HER! She said next time you want to talk text? I think that is a clue to leave her alone.... I also call BS on the relationship thing. I really want others people advice on that but I think that is junk. People will contact her regardless, she can block people, ignore, etc. I am not saying she is seeing someone but I think she is giving you a clue she might be. Buddy, just let her be and work on you.

Not stupid at all, my god all the stupid things I did before I got my ex back pales to what you are doing. Before I wirte this realize every situation is different and there is no such thing as blanket advice in regards to getting your ex back. With that said here are some things that I think and things that I did to help me get back with my ex. Bottom line is you know her better then anyone on this board and you have to find the right balance between advice and doing what you know is right. Having said that...lol "if she calls i'll ask her what is our situation if there is hope to rekindle." In my opinion, that is a horrible idea. First, I do not think you are there yet. She is still broke up with you for a reason. If she does have intentions on getting back with you, does it really need to be announced? If there is going to be a rekindling it will take time and it will be like you are dating all over again at first. Let her direct this. Later if she is only looking to be friends let her know that is not what you want (unless you are ok just being friends). Just remember this is not going to be a quick process. I am not sure there is a magic number but from reading post and talking with friends who have gone through this 6 months - year seems to be about right. So be patient... Next, you do not contact her for anything. This is where I differ with the NC rule. If she contacts you so be it, answer if you want but there is no need to ignore her. Again, some say let her feel your loss, but I believe there is no way to work things out unless there is some dialouge back and fourth. With that said there is no need to be at her beg-and-call. Forget that, do not let her have her cake and eat it too. This is the trick, balance, that only you will know where it is at. If she is not calling you then you know where she stands, and it will help you move on. If she does call you know there is still some interest in you regardless. There is no benefit in you contacting her at all. None. Finally, if you can not handle talking to her just as a friend then don't do it at all. If you keep bringing up us talks and stuff that wall will be built around her in a hurry. Just be you. With that said, take this time to look at the realtionship, what needs changed? Are there things that you should have done, been more patient, around more, not as angry, etc? Work on them if you think they need changed. The time is NOW for you to imporve your whole life. Your only concern right now is you and only you. Live it up, go out on some dates, hang with your friends, do the things you wanted that couldn't while you were in a relationship. Bottom line, if this is going to happened it will take a lot of patience and time. Ask around, this will be extremley hard. Regardless, you need to be living your life like you will never be back with her. Kind of like expect the worse hope for the best. Good Luck my friend.

I guess I should give an update. Muneca, I thought I sent you a PM regarding this, that explains no reply Things have been great for the most part. The issues with the break have been resolved. She has gone out of her way to show that she was sorry for what she did. Explained the reasons why, has done EVERYTHING and more to show that she is truly committed and is sorry for what happened. In a lot of ways it is like a brand new relationship as Muneca always says to treat it as. It is so good to hear her say man you really do not know what you have till it's gone. I think the communication is stronger and more frequent. It is still hard for both of us that I travel a lot with my job, but we know that no job/religion or anything else should stop 2 people in love be apart. The little down side, and justplainsad there is no need to read this and roll your eyes . On my end I find myself a little nervous, like it happened once, how does she know she is ready now. It is like I am kind of waiting for her to do it again. I have lost some trust in her. I have communicated this to her. Again, she has done everything to reassure me. We have had a talk about marriage with her mom and dad with us, etc etc. Her actions are speaking loud, but just a part of me is still being cautious. In time I am sure this untrust feeling will go down. Again, everyone even when the situation seems completley black you never know what will happened. The ONLY thing you can control is........YOU. Make it the best you, you can be and everything else will play itself out.

from the sound of her voice she's really happy when i called but maybe its just me. MAJOR red flag!!!!! Dude you are going to drive yourself insane if you do this. Man you keeping up with her scehdule, calling her, etc etc... I am not sure this is a good thing. You are still consumed by her and that is not healthy at all. Is she calling you? Has she asked you on any dates? If not then do not be getting your hopes up. I honestly think that you should let her do ALL the contacting. That way you will know she is showing mutual interest at least. Bsically I am saying be patient, do not assume anything, and stop over analyzing everything. Again by her contacting you, you do not have to wonder if she is thinking of you or what she is thinking, or hmmm she sounded happy. Good Luck

I think some people here have already good advice as to what you need to be doing. Lets look at the facts: 1.) You guys are broke up 2.) He told you to move on 3.) Right now he does not want to be in a reationship with you So what to do... do what muneca, shocked and everyone else has told you to do, start living for you and not for him. Cut off ALL contact. This is not giving up, this is realizing this is the best thing for you. I know you are hurting and wish I could say hey everything between the 2 of you will be ok, but I do not think that is what you need. I think what you really need is to realize that it is time to move on, live your life, and see what the future brings. Trust me I know how hard this is.... There are success stories out there, I am currently with my ex. You know the best thing that I ever did during the break was to finally listen to all the people on here (JustPlainSad, muneca, Shocked) and totally focused on me. I stopped contacting her. It was then in her court to contact me. Regardless if she ever contacted me again, me leaving her alone and me focusing on my life was by far the best thing I could have done. It is a win win, and I hope you see that. Leaving him alone will make you stronger, healthier, and allow you to get over him. Again, please listen the advice others have given... It is time to move on. Who knows what the future holds... Nobody knows.. maybe you will end up with him.. maybe you will never hear from him again, but it does not matter. All that matters right now in this present time is you getting healthy, you to move on, and for you to become a better, stronger person.

Sup Man... Interesting post.... There is a lot of truth in this post, and I hope it does not rub some the wrong way. I too feel most people who do NC do it not for the right reason....It makes sense to do so, but they are this board to get their love back.... so they will do anything to do so. I have never said go NC, but your opportunity of getting them back and helping yourself is making them contact you. Good Points!! Not sure everything in life is a game. A lot of it is... but life is what we make it, but it seems like to be successful there are a lot of games to be played. I think you are right about wanting the ex to be happy. I know for the first couple of months I wanted my ex to be absolute miserable.. I mean death was too good of a fate for her... it was. You were miserable and you want them miserable. As you heal you tend to want them to do better I think. I know that is what I found in myself. I lost a lot of the hate i had and really hoped that she was doing ok. It seemed right after that is when we made the biggest steps in getting back together. But as you have said every situation is different. I do not think there is a game to be played to get the ex back. It comes back to do they love you enough to try to work out the issues. Is the love there or not. That is why there is no time table for this... It will take some loger to realize they love you.. or they may reaize that they do not love you enough to work on things.... that is simple... I really like the dating anaology... have to court them again... Great idea... show them what it is that can be. Also the dating others was spot on. Basically good post... good insight and lot more truthful then a lot of the fluff you can get. I also think it is obvious that you are in the bitter stage... But that is cool too we all have been there and are there, but it was refreshing to read someone speaking the truth.

Detox... if you want us to say hey do what you are doing and you are doing things just perfect then ok. Detox you are on the right path of getting her back!! Change nothing. But you also know the situation better then any of us and have to do what you feel is best. here is what I THINK from your last post... "if she doesnt want to talk to me, then why am i on her list and I can clearly see her." Several reasons... she is not mad at you, maybe has not thought about it, doesn't bother her to see you onine. Lots of reasons, but I think you are looking too much into this. "But this is the only way she would contact me" Maybe I am wrong here, but I think that should tell you something. Maybe I am wrong, but if she can not pick up the phone to call you where do you the realtionship is at this point? "cause ive adapted to NC so well and I kinda like shutting her out...... But I really have to kinda think of her, what if she wants to talk, but is not ready, not sure, thats why im online " Dude that is a 100% flip-flop. Do you like NC or are you trying to validate your actions as trying to show that you care and that is why you are online. I think im gonna be patient see how things go, build trust, and if i get no joy im going NC........ Again is this about you, or is this really about being there for her. Again another flip-flop statement from you. Your like I want to be there for her, but I get no Joy I am gone. Sounds to me like you are trying to use IM conversation as means to convince her to get back with you and if that does not work you are gone. "me not being in her head so she can think of me off her own back, and not think of me just cause shes seen me online, get wat i mean." That is what we are trying to tell you. Go away, if she wants to talk to you she will find you. Call you or email you. It sounds to me you initiate most the IM chatting, this way if you disappear and she seeks you, you know a lot more about how she thinks of you. Again, it sounds to me this is still very much all about you and you want us to justify what you are doing. I think the advice that Shocked gave you is dead money and you can do with it what you will. I also know you know the situation a lot better then myself and have to do what you feel is best, but I fear you are looking into things too much and she really has not done anything for you to have your hopes up.

I think you are 100% right there justme.....It sounds like you have a good grasp of yourself, know what you want from this realtionship and if she does not want the same things, back off.... Good call.

I think what people are saying is let her contact you. You do not adjust your lifestyle schedule or anything for her. I would even suggest that you not appear online. What is going to happened when you see her online and she does not conact you? Are you going to break and continue to contact her. You said something that was really interesting to me, you said she might not even contact you. Well if that is the case then I think that is telling sign that she does not want to get back together yet, don't you? The BEST thing you can do is give her all the space time and freedom she needs. Let her contact you. This shows she is interested, gives you an opportunity to build positive moments, and shows her that you care. Trust me this is a win win win by you backing off. When I stopped contacting my ex and made myself a lot less available she did start to call more and more, she still had things to work out but I knew for a fact that she was the one thinking of me, and so far things have worked out great between us. Good luck detox, none of us are saying NC will bring her back, but it is the best for you in the long and short run.

I concur 100% from what you have wrote you are not ready to see her at all. I mean there is not even a date set in place yet and you can barley handle it. I am not going to take the time to re-write what Shocked wrote but I concur 100%

We had a great convo yesterday online and she seemed alot more comfortable talking with me. GOOD!!! Keep doing this, keep doing it until her guard is down... when she is ready to talk about "us" she will. All you have to do is keep going on with your life without her. When you do have interactions just be yourself, not too attentive, but not cold to her. All she is at this point is an aquantince nothing more. Give her nothing. Your job is simple at this point bro: 1.) Take care of you. Go out on dates, run, lift, anything that you want to do. She should be near the bottom of YOUR priorities right now. 2.) When you see her convince yourself, fake it I do not care but she is nothing more then a friend to you. Do not say you miss her, lover, want her back any of that junk... Let her drive it, and when she does say it jsut act cool and be like thanks. 3.) Do not call, text, IM, send emails, anything.. you DO NOTHING. Let her initiate all contact, ALL CONTACT that way there is no question that she wants to talk to and so fourth. Good luck

ok harsh again but i am being honest.. I do not think you are ready to see her. You still want to talk about feelings and so on do NOT do this till she brings it up. Do not cotnact her, do not ask her out, you do nothing.... NOTHING let her do all this.... Let her feel like she has control of the situation.. pushe her and she will go and she will go far.... All I am saying is this is going to be a long a$s process. This is not a week, 2 week, month type of thing. If you have no patience now then you should not see her... Like I said do not initiate nothing..... but you will I am sure.. When you talk to her online you will talk to her about us, I can tell, so do not say you were not warned.... Good Luck

Boston... I posted on your first thread... You have nothing to lose by pulling out. Nothing unless you like being strung along, confused, hurt, and constantly uneasy. What happeneds when he dates other girls then how are you going to feel. If you are on good terms that is great, but what if he only decides to be your friend and you have been waiting on him for months and months... NC will not mean losing him anymore then if you continue talking to him. If you keep talking to him then what he will all of the sudden realize he loves you? I do not think it works that way. NC is for you and you alone. If and when he is serious in getting back with you he will let you know. Let him know not to contact you until that is what he wants and that you will not contact him until you are ready to just be friends. End all this confussion Boston. Get on with you.... That is the best choice there is...

Boston you have no choice but to pull away. It is win win accross the board. You will no longer feel like he is keeping you as a back-up/ Win No longer caught in his confusion /Win Won't worry about how to act around him /Win No longer care what he is doing without you /Win If he is going to marry you give him space and find out /Win There is not one negative thing that can happened if you pull back and give him space, but there are a TON of negitives in doing what you are doing now.

Well the topic at hand I have avoided because I think you approach is just flat out dumb!!! Harsh yes, but this would be a mistake man. " dont want to ask her out on a date, I just wanna come out with it, at one stage." I really hope that was a joke!! You are just now talking to her online.... and you are just going to be like so we are a coupel again. What????? I hope it works out for you... but through experience it does not work that way. You have to date her per se again. Not even date go out and have fun with her for a while. I think my ex and I have gone out like 20+ times before we decided to try again.... I wish you the best but I fear your all or nothing will blow up in your face. Read the post that are hear... do not push her away.. if for the first time you actually see her not some idle online chat bs and ask her to change her mind, have her admit she was worng, she can never be without you just like that then I commend you.. that would be a hell of a transition....

Mako I fear thre worst for you buddy.... you NEED to relax... Relax... Read S&D's STOP post.... For real if you can not handle seeing her and going all I love you till the end of time and stuff do not see her.. No I miss you, no I love you, none of that junk..... Ugghhh... good luck bro, but please listen to people who have been there done that and made the mistakes ok....

Buddy... I am happy for you... Great things, but to be 100% honest and quick to the point......Buddy repeat after me... This is going to be a long journey IF we ever get back together. This will NOT happened after 1 date. I am going to need patinece, understanding, and need to continue my life without her till then. Repeat that a thousand times..... undertsand it, believe it and ask yourself if that is what you want..... Most of all do not over analyze anything.. Relax let her lead all conversations... Do not be an emotional tool and tell her how much you love her and miss her. Go have fun!!!!

I agree with that advice they have given you. She has someone right now.. back off 110%. Give her nothing.... Do not be mean or cold, but if she wants to be with someone else then let her do it. When I say give her nothing, I mean no emotional, physical, or mental support. She will miss the intamcy you guys had, trust me on this. S&D is 100% right she will not forget about you... I also agree realize you are a good man and this is her loss. I am a hypocrite here a little, but there really is no need to be her friend when she has someone else. Do not contact her, and if she contacts you do not jump through hoops to reply back. Good luck

Ant.... If your ae is correct on you post then you might want to chalk up not understaning due to the fact that you have not been there in your life yet. If he is being sincere then I think this is a very loving thing. I mean this is the time in your life to o out be crazy have fun and just do whatever it is you need and want to do. It is hard because you are so determined to be with him. But he is right, what decsions can you uys make as a couple. He might be looking to buy a place, you can not be involved in that because you do not even know where you will be working out of college. Well you can say that you will work where her is and you know what..... that is his point. You would be limiting yourself if you do that. I think this is a very mature and lovin thing he is doing. If you guys are talking then great. Keep it up if you can. Why do No Contact here? If you can move on keep in contact with him without getting upset or bring up the realtionship then do so. At this point accept the realtionship for what it is. Keep seeing him and when you uys do go out have a blast. At the same time make time for you. Go out to dinner with a guy if he ask. Realize if he does care for you and you care for him things could work out.... It is hard to see now but what he is doing is the best for both of you... My 2 cents... Might only be worth a penny but there ya go.....

You are 100% right fantasia... Nothing helps more then just realizing that this is about you. It is ok to be bit selfish. Look out for you and see where the cards fall. I am not sure why it happeneds but it "seems" there is a lot of truth to the fact that they will only come back when you are completley over them or at least ok with the fact they are not coming back....

Lady00... Yeah she did. It was nothing serious but they did "hook up" 2 times. Not all the way, but I think you can get the drift. That is another piece of advice, unless for some reason you just have to know that is better left unsaid. Makes me want to puke thinking about it. If there is a serious relationship with your ex and someone else.. Back off 100% is my opinion. But I also agree with MyJoy relax it is most likley a rebound.

Well last night I get a call saying what most of us all here want to hear. She called and said she is sorry for everything, I never meant to hurt you, I want us to be us again, and I will do what ever it takes to make this work. Besides the initial shock, I was happy to hear this, but at the same time still being cautious and wanting to take things one day at a time. I told her to think about it for a while and she assured me she will but if I am not ready she is ready to prove it to me. Anyway, I am not here to rub it in but people tend not to come back after things work out and I promised if it ever did I would come back and tell the story. Here is some background: 3 year realtionship that was really great. She said she needed time for herself and that we were just "different". Said she would always love me and care for me, but we would not be together. On top of all this I took a job that would require me to travel a lot so I would only see her on the weekends. Some Lessons Learned and advise - 1st week I begged and pleaded and did EVERYTHING wrong. Actually no for 2 weeks. When we would talk it all revolved around her coming back and I will do this and this. You want to write a post about doing everything wrong. Well here is the poster child my friends. I did it. - Weeks after that... I knew I had to change. I was miserable would not sleep, could not eat, could not focus. My world and thoughts were consumed that I lost the love of my life. I mean every waking minute and thought was on her and only her. I tried to stay busy, but was not in the mood to have fun. During this time I talked to her once or twice when she called and a couple AIM chats but that was it. What advice can I give here. Not a lot... it is ok to grieve. It is ok to be sad. This point is when you find out who your friends are. I relied on people I never met on here. There are a couple of friends I can not even imagine going through this witout them. JustPlainSad, ShockedandDismayed, Az and Muneca have been an absolute staple for me. Thank yous could never express my thanks enough to listen to every whine, irrational thought, petty bs, asking for advice (not always listening) everythng. What I am saying friends, is rely on those who are loving enough to help. If there is one thing I would have done different it would have been findind something to keep myself more busy. About 2 months after the break... Offical face to face contact. She came to visit me and all it was was a simple dinner. I looked through this site like I was studying for an exam. I read the MYJOY thread sent a thousand emails and pms to all my friends to see what I should do. One of the few things I did right... I was jsut myself. I was SOO happy to see her.. it was awkward because I wanted to tell her I love her, but just acted as myself. No more no less. I think because of this meeting other face to face occurred because she did not feel threatended. 3 Months after break.. Because of that date she would start seeing me every weekend one day a week. Just dinner or lunch, but every weekend she would call anc schedule something. This process went well. I was in control, at this point I was dating other casuallyand just played it cool. Remind you my love for her still was intense, but I was preparing myself that this might really be over so jsut have a good time. There were times during this that I lost all patience with her. Would talk about us being together. Me telling her that I do not want to see her anymore, I am being used yadda yadda. Lesson to be learned here, if you are dating the other person frequently... you should tell them what you want in the relationship. Communicate, camly but be precise. Listen to what they want. See if there is a middle ground that you can be happy with. I told her I understand why she does not want what I want but we came up with a compromise. Basically it was me being the bigger person and taking the lead of MyJoy and being there and caring. I also looked at what a poster name Danimal did, and made sure I was not being a wuzz but doing a give/take, but I still was giving a lot more then taking. Abut 4 months in... Patience dry... Still dating.. Calls from her everynight.. Says she loves me.. misses me.. Still no commitment.. Still date. I have thoughts I am being used, being played. She is having her cake and eating it as well. You name it, I felt it. It was great hearing all these things, but why not be in a realtionship. Talked about the realationship more and more. This might have been the worse time.. It was so close but seemed so far away... It was just exhausting.... I was about to tell her to F-OFF but the great advise of JUSTPLAINSAD.. he made me stay patient and rational. 5 months-Today... Finally just decided to let go..Live for me and what happeneds will happened. I truly was ok with the way things were going. I just did not care. I was focusing on me and what made me happy. I was still there for her and supportive, but in a sense I really felt that I could handle what happened. It was a I want her, but do not need her you know. I still got frustrated from time to time. In fact yesterday I was PM'ing and talking to friends saying I need out of limbo. I can not take it. I told her earlier in the day I need a break from all this. I let her know that when my patience was dry I would tell her. So I did. Then that evening she called and asked if I felt the same way. I took the advice of shocked and jusplainsad and explained I loved her and the situation is not healthy and we need a break. I also explained to her that I loved her with my whole heart, but I want what is best for her so I wished her well on her Journey and assured her that this is aut me and not because I was mad. I said I would check on her from time to time, but for her not to call me till she wanted what I wanted. She cried and said she was sorry for the mess but will respect my wishes. I felt good. I had no hate for her. I was ok with this, if it was meant to be then it will be. This was a long process as you can see but I kept working on me, was dating, was around friends so life was ok without her. Then I got the call tonight. Again is this journey over.. no. Is it going to be eas no. I am still cautious and skeptical, but she says she is not so we will see. Some blanket advice.... I made her contact me all the time. I think I contacted her after the first weeks of begging for about 4 times the first 3.5 months. Then after that I did maybe 6 times total. That way I was never guessing is she contacting me because I called or because she is thinking of me. I am a hypocrite here in some reagards, but NC is a great idea until you feel better. Maybe take a call here or there, but do not bring up the realtionship. NC is for you. The gradually go into partical NC. Let them contact you, do not be at their beg and call right. Look out for #1... That is you. Never lose focus of that. What do you want. What can you do to improve when she is gone. Hit the gym, date, make your life the best it can be. You need to find a good mixture between the advice you are given and your situation. There are time I wondered why Shocked and JustPlain even tried to help. They would say one thing, but I would do the other. Then I would listen a little. You have to follow your heart, but do it with discerment and be willing to listen to what others say. Friends if you choose to go on this journey... REALIZE.. and man I can not stress this enough... have Patience. This ride will send you on a roller coaster that you can not imagine. They have issues... you think you have the fix... you don't. They need to come to gribs with it... Patience, Patience, Patience. Something I rely on everyday from friends. Patience. When it dries up, back off. Do not resent your ex. Pull out and regroup before anything blows up. Realize this is a part in the realtionship where you will give more then you receive... This is a novel as is.. Trust me when you think you screwed everything up, you haven't. Make a better you. See what the future holds. I will be around for a while so if you have any questions, the above people mentioned are phenomonal people, or I would be willing to help too.

Well take things at a balance.. I have been then there for my ex and things are going wonderful so it can work. The point is be there if you want but never stop living your life. You have to keep looking out for yourself.

She is questioning her path in life and as corny as it may sound I believe she is questioning things on a spiritual level. Well there is a ccouple of things I think about this. It happeneds on life and it seems to be more with females that they have to break free ties from everyone to "find" themselves. Unfortunaltey, this comes at the expense of you heart. What to do, if you can handle it be there for her. Be supportive of her, let her know that you are there and do care. This is going to be hard my friend... you want more but she can not give this right now. The fact is relationships are never 50/50 sounds like you are at the 90/10 give take. Can you do that? This is not easy and you will have to demonstrate a level of maturity and patience like you have never shown. Also there is the option not to get caught up in all this and walk away. It is your call. One thing I did notice " She is questioning her path in life and as corny as it may sound I believe she is questioning things on a spiritual level. " Why is that corny? Most people have some type of spiritual need, but anyway the thing is it sounds like you think it corny, but if you are going to do this you have to be supportive and understanding. Good Luck

"The fact that she broke NC shows that she still loves you" I think that is jumping the gun a bit fast as well. However, she would not have wasted her time writing all the things she did unless she has thought about possibly getting back to talking and taking things from there. Detox, it is really up to you. What are your feelings toward her? I would simply say that since you post on the Getting Back Togehter board that it is an idea you entertain no. At the same time if you see a lot of red flags then avoid the situation. When you see her and talk to her can you remain confident and cool. Not breaking down and crying this or that. After a year I bet you can but only you know the answer. As far as what you should write back and the tone. Say what YOU want to say. I think it is important you address and thank her for telling you all those things, then go from there. remember you do not need to tell everything in one mail either. Rome was not built in a day right Congrats on the contact and good luck.