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Thread: Ended relationship after gf plans on staying at her ex's.

  1. #1

    Ended relationship after gf plans on staying at her ex's.

    Hi everyone.

    I ended my 3 year relationship this past weekend after my gf revealed she plans on going to her ex's poker night, getting drunk, and staying over, and offers me no reassurance or reason why she hasn't tried to invite me along (we've played poker dozens of times together).

    Just before Christmas I noticed her texting him while we were on a night out, I wasn't certain this was her ex at the time and asked her but she avoided answering my question directly and plainly said she can talk to whoever she wants.

    A week later she meets up with him for drinks, she doesn't come home until 10am the following day. She offers up a very brief explanation that the mate (later I learn is an ex) hooked up and left early, then she convinced another friend to meet her and they went to a house party where she slept on a sofa as it was too late to get a taxi home (taxis 24hr here). She also meekly seemed to feign a foggy memory when I asked about her meeting her mate, saying she wasn't sure if she bought a takeaway after the final pub and ended the story before any mention of the party. She didn't bother to text me to say she wasn't coming home so I was left at home worried sick all night that she'd gone back to his. I even called my dad for advice because I was thinking the relationship was about to end and I'd have to find somewhere to live.

    When we were both home the following day she didn't talk about her night out or the party. I made it quite clear I was frustrated by being distant and going out for a long walk. In the past, me being upset by something that suggests she's been unfaithful angers her, but for the next week of me being distand with her she was being extra nice and engaging with me more than usual and not looking at her phone every few minutes which made me feel suspicious.

    I decided I'd have to keep quiet about how I felt because I didn't want to anger her and have her end up dumping me just before xmas, it would be too much mess and I was scared of losing her if I was wrong.

    In the past we've had issues involving her texting other guys and her being very secretive about a select few of them. She only has male friends and I was introduced to a few of them early on and was completely fine with them but some of them remained hidden and my questions about why I don't get to meet them were usually met with hostility, dismissal and remarks about me not trusting her, after a few times of me asking who someone was and me leaving her flat out of frustration it led to her breaking up with me. I was finding it really hard to be affectionate and happy around her while feeling like she was hiding things from me.

    We ended up seeing eachother again, and during this time I went on a trip to London, we were texting the entire weekend, something was obviously wrong the 2nd day I was away when she started to say she was an awful person. I being me reassured she wasn't (i thought she was just feeling down, stressed about whether us being more involved again was right for her). After my trip I stayed at hers, we slept together and the following work day, I discovered some special sexytime underwear on her bedroom floor and an open condom packet, she admitted she'd slept with someone the night I left and for some reason didn't bother to tidy up...

    I went to end the rekindling of our relationship, she lost it and broke down begging me to talk to her and not leave her. This was one of the hardest things for me to do, I felt like I had to forgive her because I loved her. After a few weeks of talking and me being brought back into her family days out etc, we got back together. Her family know nothing about her true behaviour or what's led to our breakups.

    Between then and now things were at times difficult for me having experienced her sleeping with someone I had no idea about. I was determined to work through some of my prior overreactive behaviour so that I only react to the things I know and not what I imagine is happening, over time I was able to judge things more clear headed. One time she mentioned a guy I'd never heard of came to visit her at hospital (broke ankle). I didn't panic about it like I would have in the past, a month or so later and I get to meet him and his gf, nice. To me this was a huge personal win that I'd finally overcame my early issues.


    The build up to the break up

    This past weekend she went to meet her old driving instructor for a catch up lunch, I thought it was a bit odd that I wasn't invited and so did her mom. She told me she would be back in 2 hours or so. She ended up getting drunk with him and his housemates and staying over at his house. I don't think anything sexual happened but I wasn't happy that she'd do this and offer no reassurance to me, it felt like the last time she didn't come home (during the entirety of me knowing her she's never been one for getting drunk randomly, she's always preferred quiet nights in so these 2 nights stuck out like sore thumbs). I felt like she was being careless and couldn't understand why. The following day we didn't speak all day, just before bed I pushed for a conversation, turns out she was annoyed at me for me being annoyed at her. I expained that I didn't think she'd cheated on me and that it was because lately it feels like she's going out more often to social gatherings which I'd like to join her to but she avoids inviting me, and when I invite her to join me and my friends she quite sharply turns down the offers. It felt like she didn't want to have fun with me but would with her mates without me, I was essentially a stable homebody for her.

    The following day I decided we needed a bonding night so offered that we make food together, and watch a movie. After work on the way to the shops, she tells me about her plans to go to her ex's (I still don't know it's her ex) poker night, probably end up drinking and 'having to reluctantly' stay over. Basically it came across as if she was forcefully downplaying her want to go.

    On the way back from the shops it finally comes out that this guy is her ex and it's an ex she told me about when we first started seeing eachother, because this ex had really hurt her feelings. He messed her around and dumped her twice for other women, this guy had a significant emotional impact on her self worth. She tried to reassure me by saying 'it's not weird between us so don't worry about it, he has a kid and that's the least attractive thing ever'. Then she starts rambling trying to move the conversation in a different direction.

    For me this moment was where I froze, now I know who's she's been talking to and how bliase she is about my feelings, she's avoided revealing this guy is an ex, and she's been messaging him at unusual hours for months, I have to end it. Our conversation fell silent.

    We haven't spoken since that moment except through brief texts about organizing moving out what was our house. She has made no effort to express not wanting the relationship to end even though less than a feq weeks ago we were planning moving into a new house together and a weekend trip abroad.

    For me the hardest things about this is letting go of the comfort and close company the relationship offered, and more so whether I did the right thing, or I've over reacted and should have been stronger and more resilient to my feelings about her being that active with to her ex.

    If you read all of that thank you.

  2. #2
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    OP, you've been in serious denial about just how bad this relationship is.

    She treats you a like a doormat and does whatever the hell she wants, with whomever the hell she wants. She doesn't love you, dude. She doesn't even respect you.

    You need to give your head a good, long shake and ask yourself why you've been allowing her to play you like a fiddle for so long. You are afraid to lose the comfort of the relationship - eh?? What about the anxiety, stress, uncertainty and pain borne out of a relationship in which only one party truly cares? (That would be you; she sure doesn't.) Thank goodness you didn't move into a new house together, as that would have been a disaster.

    The bottom line is that I don't think you really had another choice. It's obvious she wants to be with other guys and the relationship was eventually going to crash and burn. All the bonding nights in the world aren't going to save this mess, man. You need to be done with her for good.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    I think you finally discovered who she is after 3 years. Who knows how many times she has slept with someone else as you only discovered one. I would think there were a lot more.

    You have finally done the best thing leaving her, and she isn't arguing because she knows this is the last time.

    Now it's time to build yourself back up to a healthy place. Your accepting her bad behaviour because it is comfortable was just signalling to her that she can walk all over you. Learn from this and do not let a partner do this to you again.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. You may want to get tested for STDs. She seems to get drunk and sleep around an awful lot.
    Originally Posted by Another64
    After my trip I stayed at hers, we slept together and the following work day, I discovered some special sexytime underwear on her bedroom floor and an open condom packet, she admitted she'd slept with someone the night I left and for some reason didn't bother to tidy up...

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  6. #5
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    Good riddance to her. Block her. Never let her back in your life.

    Use this experience going forward and rust your instincts more.

  7. #6
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    Your girlfriend is EXTREMELY disrespectful and even if she hasn't cheated on you, has no boundaries. I know the time you had evidence that she slept with someone, you were technically broken up. But look how quickly she got with another guy! And this is actually when she started sleeping with you again too!

    It's a tricky thing about having opposite gender friends. I believe that it's OK to have opposite gender friends but only if they're JUST friends and the friendship is transparent and inclusive of you. I do find it suss though that all her friends are male and no girl friends. I mean, that's very unusual? Also why would she be meeting up for drinks with her driving instructor? Usually they just teach you how to drive and then you don't speak to them again? I understand having male friends she had previously but there shouldn't have been any need for her to hang out with the driving instructor. And then she stayed at his place??! What??!! You are right, there was absolutely no reason why you couldn't have been invited out with them as well.

    Her excuses for staying over at these guys' houses sound like complete BS! I mean, unless you live in a very rural area, most places have taxis and some kind of rideshare, like Uber, etc. She could have easily got those! Or at least asked you to come pick her up!

    And she talked to her ex for months, never mentioned it's an ex??! And didn't invite you to poker and spent the night at his! Honestly even the driving instructor situation was warranted to break up. Bit the ex thing is just next level!

    I think it's pretty clear that she doesn't respect you or your relationship, doesn't want to include you in her life. And probably was cheating/flirting/wanted to cheat with other guys. Her treatment of you was completely appalling! You don't do this to your partner of three years!

    I think you absolutely did the right thing to break up with her. You were not "freaking out"! You don't even sound like a jealous person because you let your girlfriend hang out with all these guys all the time! Please don't get back with her because she doesn't deserve you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Breaking up was the right thing to do.

    No, you were not over reacting, you've been way under reacting for the past 3 years. This girl is a cheater and has been cheating on you both physically and emotionally who knows how many times. I'm sorry but you've got to face this and learn to be more aware in the future. Also, please please get checked for STD's. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Whatever you do, don't even think about taking this girl back. She is all kinds of bad news, mostly she is a cheater.

    It's perfectly good for people to have opposite sex friends. The difference is that when it's all above board, there is no secrecy. You'll know who they are, you'll hang out with them, there will be no hiding, there will not be texting at weird hours of day and night. When someone acts shady, it's because they are being shady. When someone is being shady, pay attention and don't sweep it under the rug just because you otherwise have fun together......when they aren't chatting up or sleeping with some other guy that is...

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Denial is our own worst enemy. The bravest thing you can do is breakup, but the hardest part is to stay firm in your decision. Doubt, insecurity, fear, feeling of loss/grief, etc. will try to pull you back in. You didn't deserve this, and rest assured it's not your fault. Block/delete, NC is the first step. Keeping your mind from wandering about the "what if" or "I could have done that", is to keep busy and not sit around moping. Go out and hang with friends, even if you still feel numb from it. Day by day it will get a little better, things start to be a little more clearer, you will gain your confidence back, and feel a weight lifted off of you. You will be OK.

  10. #9
    Thank you everyone. Each of your messages has made me feel so much better about the relationship ending and more sure I've done the right thing for myself. If I'd had the sense I'd have ended it before getting back together after the first break up, but my heart blinded me.

    I definitetly need to learn to be a lot sterner and to not tolerate behaviour I don't agree with, which I have for too long in this case. I think I felt compelled to be there for her because I knew she had deep issues. After the first break up she explained she often felt angry and didn't know why, was self destructive, and said she hated herself almost all the time, sometimes she called herself a head and wore that title with pride. I knew about her difficult childhood and her abusive boyfriends before me which made me want to protect her and give her the love she didn't have. I'd seen her at her most vulnerable and brightest and held out for those bits of her, those were the bits of her I loved, but obviously I was ignoring the bad, mistakenly thinking that was the strong thing to do.

    I think in a few months time I'll look back at this experience and be able to take a lot of lessons from it and see it for what it truly was. I cannot wait to be on top of that mountain.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    After getting time and distance away from this toxic relationship, you'll shake your head at why you stayed so long. I did this myself after being with someone who was wrong for me in every way, and still wanted him after he dumped me after a year together. Not until several months later did I realize he did me a favor by leaving.

    After you go your separate ways when everything is sorted, block her number and remove her from social media. You don't want to be set back to square one if she contacts you in the future. After being together for so long, take a good year to mourn and heal before dating again, so that you don't jump into another appropriate relationship. Before becoming exclusive with someone, have a discussion about relationship boundaries to see if she is on the same page. No need to bring up past baggage. It's just a smart thing to do in order to choose a better match. Take care.

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