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Are these texts from my ex "breadcrumbs" or do they mean more? Coming back?


newguy6802

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We're both 20, lasted ~7 months and I was her first love. She was co-dependent and I never thought she'd leave. She moved in with me about 2 months in because of difficult times. We expected her to move out when she got back on her feet but we both got so comfortable and lived together for the rest of the relationship. We both had our problems and it was an extremely toxic relationship. We'd fight constantly and probably ever only had 3-5 days of peace, tops. I tried breaking up with her probably a dozen times only to cave in when she'd beg me to keep her.

 

2 days ago we had a nasty argument and it looks like it was our last. Things came to a peak and it was a mutual break up, but more her decision than mine. Because she had to physically move out of my place. It was a good reason: we can't stop fighting and it's damaging both of us. But ultimately she made the decision to get all her things and go back to her family in her hometown an hour away.

I went immediate NC/block social media and she still texted me first thing the next morning saying how much she missed me. When I didn't reply, she sent a bunch of "breadcrumbs" saying how much she hopes to see me again one day, will wait for me forever, love you etc. I ignored that too and she called me TWENTY times and left voicemails asking to call back.

 

The next morning (this morning) she texted she couldn't handle it, couldn't breathe, eat or sleep. I snapped and ended up talking to her on the phone. I asked what she wanted to do. She said get a bus ticket up to my place and meet me. Ten minutes after our call she then texted she'd have to do it tomorrow because she couldn't breathe and felt like fainting. I thought she was playing games and said today or not at all. She then basically said wish you the best (I take that as goodbye). I sent a message back saying we have to move on for the best but I'd still like to see her again one day. I blocked her after sending the message but relented a few hours later and unblocked. A few minutes after being unblocked I got a message saying she loved me. Are these texts just breadcrumbs or does it sound like she'll come back?

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Have you two received counseling for your relationship issues?

 

What makes you think you'll stop the constant fighting?

 

Are you attracted to "drama" relationships? Do you find it exciting to fight and then have intense make up sex? Do extreme ups and downs make you feel alert and alive?

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Could be either breadcrumbs, and she got some validation from your response, or a toe in the water because she wants to keep you on the hook. Could be she is testing you to see how you react to her moving out. Could be something else, though.

 

Why do you say she was co-dependent? Is she bi-polar?

 

It is difficult to understand how you can say the relationship is extremely toxic, and then say you were both "so comfortable".

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Good grief, all the drama...you can solve most of it by blocking and deleting her completely from being able to contact you. That means on your phone as well as social media. Why havent you done this?

 

If she's feeling like she cant breathe, she needs medical care, and not hassling you. Stop communicating with her in any way and you will begin to feel better.

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@boltnrun

 

-- She's wanted counselling for her depression issues. That itself has caused a lot of arguments because she'll get into moods etc. But we just get so comfortable and unmotivated living together that she'll blow off counselling sessions because she's busy with me. As for me I'm going to counselling for MYSELF regardless if we get back or not. If we do get back then I'd make sure we both went to couples therapy.

 

-- Couples therapy and we'll have to live in separate homes for space. That's the only way for now.

 

-- Hell no. I hate drama. I've always thought make up sex was stupid and intensely unhealthy. And no to the last question. So it's ironic that I really want to hold on to this relationship...

 

 

It started out with just HER being co-dependent. I took her on because I'm in a new country and was isolated with no friends. It's been really hard meeting people the same age because I'm not in school anymore. I was at an extremely low, desperate point when we met. Incredibly lonely and almost suicidal. BUT STILL I could've taken or left the relationship the first few months, I was her first love but she wasn't mine. Slowly, gradually it shifted into me being co-dependant on her too. Now that we're broken up I feel worse off now than I did before I met her. I also really miss her company and our memories.

 

But to answer the question--Under the circumstances, are these "breadcrumb" texts or does it sound like she'll crack soon and want to come back?

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I think you need to look up the word co dependence, as it does not apply to her, but to you.

 

This relationship was highly dysfunctional. I think you need to address what attracts you to this type of mess.

 

 

You need to block and delete her. I also suggest therapy for you.

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I knew I'd become co-dependant on her too towards the end. Read my post above yours about being isolated. That answers everything.

 

Maybe she's not as co-dependant now, but she was 100% the dictionary definition of a "co-dependant" earlier in our relationship. She couldn't function without me before. She'd cry, beg, make ridiculous compromises AND MORE just to be with me. Even though I want her back, I wouldn't do any of those things to get her back and I never will.

 

She didn't leave easily when we broke up. It wasn't just the argument that did it (though that and our constant arguing was a bigggg factor), but I actually had done something bad that was the final straw. I'll leave it at that because I'm not going to say what it was.

 

One part of me thinks because of her texts/calls she can't be so bothered by it that she'll never see me again. But another part of me thinks she would've never packed ALL her stuff and left my place for more than a day if she wasn't serious about ending this for good???

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but I actually had done something bad that was the final straw. I'll leave it at that because I'm not going to say what it was.

 

That basically makes it impossible to answer your question, because it is a critical piece of information with respect to formulating a reasoned and logical view about her motives for continually contacting you.

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I knew I'd become co-dependant on her too towards the end. Read my post above yours about being isolated. That answers everything.

 

Maybe she's not as co-dependant now, but she was 100% the dictionary definition of a "co-dependant" earlier in our relationship. She couldn't function without me before. She'd cry, beg, make ridiculous compromises AND MORE just to be with me. Even though I want her back, I wouldn't do any of those things to get her back and I never will.

 

She didn't leave easily when we broke up. It wasn't just the argument that did it (though that and our constant arguing was a bigggg factor), but I actually had done something bad that was the final straw. I'll leave it at that because I'm not going to say what it was.

 

One part of me thinks because of her texts/calls she can't be so bothered by it that she'll never see me again. But another part of me thinks she would've never packed ALL her stuff and left my place for more than a day if she wasn't serious about ending this for good???

 

You are talking about being needy and insecure. She does not sound co dependent. You staying with someone like this and enabling the behavior is co dependent.

 

What does it matter. your relationship was not good or healthy.

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That basically makes it impossible to answer your question, because it is a critical piece of information with respect to formulating a reasoned and logical view about her motives for continually contacting you.

 

I know that but unfortunately I'm really not comfortable saying what it is. The way I see it, a lot of the different ways people act after breakups is universal. One option is both people go no contact for weeks/months/forever and never reunite. Another option is they send out a few "breadcrumb" texts/words that mean absolutely nothing and again never reunite. And then the third option is they send texts/words that lead up to wanting to get back together. I know those options are really generalized but I'm condensing it down.

 

The examples of her texts/20something calls weren't cryptic or vague and show that she at the least really misses me. So I was hoping this would be enough info to go off of for others to see if she meant anything more, or if she'll want to try again sometime.

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All this drama at only 7 months?

 

This has just about zero chance of working out well, OP. Neither of you is ready for a mature relationship, for different reasons. Both of you have a substantial amount of growing and learning to do. Will she come back? Possibly. Will it last? No.

 

I guarantee you that this is not the woman you're going to wind up with forever.

 

I do agree that if you're omtting details about this bad thing you did, we can't really give you relevant advice anyway. It's like telling someone you are sick and asking for help without actually identifying where it hurts.

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All this drama at only 7 months?

 

This has just about zero chance of working out well, OP. Neither of you is ready for a mature relationship, for different reasons. Both of you have a substantial amount of growing and learning to do. Will she come back? Possibly. Will it last? No.

 

I guarantee you that this is not the woman you're going to wind up with forever.

 

I do agree that if you're omtting details about this bad thing you did, we can't really give you relevant advice anyway. It's like telling someone you are sick and asking for help without actually identifying where it hurts.

 

Hey, it takes less time for relationships to be considered Long-term at this young age :p . Especially with "puppy love" and all that

 

It hurts to say it but I have to agree with you. I really want this to work and I know she does too but I think both of us know it's simply not possible. I think she can't help contacting me but at the same time knows so well that it can't work that she won't allow herself past the contacting stage. She might crack soon, who knows. I'm so torn between wanting her back and wanting her to stay away so both of us can heal. Our breakup "finale" could've been much worse and it will be much worse if we get back together too soon. We both need a good period of time to reflect on this and see if it's what we really want. We also need this time to grow and develop, but for ourselves. MAYBE after months and months of working on ourselves we can try to start fresh, but my take is one or both of us will be over it by then.

 

I know it's only been a couple days but I've really been going up and down about this breakup. Some of the time I'm really grateful that it's over and working on accepting it. Other times I deeply miss her. At the end of the day I know nobody can really accurately tell me what's gonna happen but bottom line it really just helps being able to ramble about it online. If I continue feeling the way I have these couple days I'll definitely move on fast. I wonder if it's easier now because I'm in denial? Maybe after weeks of complete silence on her end will make me feel worse?? Just want a general idea...

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The examples of her texts/20something calls weren't cryptic or vague and show that she at the least really misses me. So I was hoping this would be enough info to go off of for others to see if she meant anything more, or if she'll want to try again sometime.

 

Her texts / calls are very typical of someone coming out of an abusive relationship.

 

She had the sense to move out and move away.

 

That doesn’t mean that at that point she has the strength not to ask why you treated her the way you did?

Why did you? I know you will never tell her and she will eventually not care , but I’m asking to help you in your future relationships?

 

This girl will NEVER go back.

But what have YOU learnt from this?

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I think her calling you 20x does suggest that her interaction was a bit more than breadcrumbing you.

However, this jerky push and pull from her isn't very stable. I'd say she might be interested in rehashing your relationship if she kept a coherent perspective and agenda - but all these dramatics aren't good signs.

 

I think she has some difficulties with self soothing and is having some detachment issues. I don't think she knows what she wants - whether that's her coming back or her moving on. What's important is that you make a decision for yourself. Do you want this type of uncertainty to rule your life? As well, your ultimatums to her when she said she couldn't meet you on a day she specified shows how you WANT to cope with someone who isn't mentally healthy. Do you have it in you to have limitless compassion for someone who doesn't know what they want? If you do, I say give your heart to her and look at her interactions as breadcrumbs. If you aren't impressed with her emotional ups and downs - you can let her go until she can regulate things a bit better on her end.

 

Good luck!

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Sorry to hear this. Sounds like way too much too soon. After only 8 weeks you were roommates-with-benefits, then as a expected this blew up within 28 weeks. Be happy this nightmare and bad decision is finally over and she moved back home where she belongs.

 

Leave her alone. Move forward not back. You have a quite contemptuous attitude, as if you did her some big favor, yet you are pining for her to come back? Stay no contact and delete and block her from all social media and messaging apps. If you need to defray costs, get a roommate. Get some help with anger management.

We're both 20, lasted ~7 months. moved in with me about 2 months in

 

she made the decision to get all her things and go back to her family

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Also, what's your take on why either of us aren't ready for a mature relationship?

 

The fact that you both seem to consistently make choices based on emotion over logic, and think in the short-term instead of the long-term. The near-constant fighting breaking up/making up. The blocking and unblocking. The impulsive undertone to your relationship, as evidenced by the misguided decision to move in together at just 2 months (regardless of the reason why, it was far too soon)

 

Your entire relationship is riddled with indicators that you both still lack the ability to see around corners, which is usually the product of immaturity and limited life experience. You're both riding emotional roller coasters and don't demonstrate a lot of insight into your own contributions to the problems.

 

I'm not trying to knock you, as I was once an impulsive 20-year-old myself. I made some questionable choices at that stage of my life too; it's part of growing up. You two will probably carry on this on-off cycle for a while longer until one of you moves on to someone else. This sort of relationship is usually training wheels for the more serious and significant relationships yet to come.

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I knew I'd become co-dependant on her too towards the end. Read my post above yours about being isolated. That answers everything.

 

Maybe she's not as co-dependant now, but she was 100% the dictionary definition of a "co-dependant" earlier in our relationship. She couldn't function without me before. She'd cry, beg, make ridiculous compromises AND MORE just to be with me. Even though I want her back, I wouldn't do any of those things to get her back and I never will.

 

She didn't leave easily when we broke up. It wasn't just the argument that did it (though that and our constant arguing was a bigggg factor), but I actually had done something bad that was the final straw. I'll leave it at that because I'm not going to say what it was.

 

One part of me thinks because of her texts/calls she can't be so bothered by it that she'll never see me again. But another part of me thinks she would've never packed ALL her stuff and left my place for more than a day if she wasn't serious about ending this for good???[/quote

 

Duplicate

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This will continue for as long as the two of you tolerate it. It's not love but an addiction to the highs and lows.

 

And yes, this does attract you or you wouldn't want to return to the chaos.

 

Has she said she wants to attend counseling? You wrote that she "blew off" her counseling appointments to hang out with you. How come you didn't encourage her to keep her appointments? Or didn't you want her to go?

 

The fact that in just over half a year you need couples counseling indicates you two are incompatible. But, again, that drama sure is exciting!

 

Hopefully it won't end badly. I have an ex who, like you, finds the drama addicting. He sought women who provided him with the adrenaline rush of extreme highs and lows (which is a main reason he and I didn't work out...I am way too drama-free for him). His relationships included screaming fights, physical violence and destruction of one another's property culminating in his current girlfriend burning his house down. Of course, they're still together. He tells people that they just love each other so much they lose control of themselves. Once the fight dies down (usually after a day or two) they resume the relationship, declaring their love and devotion to one another. Until the next fight. How do I know this? Because until I cut him off for my own good he would confide in me. He would come to me when they fought and then disappear when they made up. Stupid me allowed this. Of course I had my own issues which led to my willingness to be a side participant in the chaos. Finally I stepped away permanently and wow, is my life so much better!

 

Decide what you want. Your relationship with her will be chaotic. If you love that, then carry on! Just be careful, you don't want it to get so bad that law enforcement gets involved.

 

And to answer your question, it sounds like nothing has changed. Fighting followed by making up. It doesn't even sound like you two are broken up except for her moving out.

 

PS: I sure hope her going to her family wasn't a result of you getting physically violent with her.

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Breadcrumbs? That's just her in the letting go process. She's weaning herslef from you. As for you, since you already know your issues, start working on yourself. Your task is self improvement. Physically and mentally. Start reading some articles, maybe get some self help books or downloads, start moving forward with your life.

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This will continue for as long as the two of you tolerate it. It's not love but an addiction to the highs and lows.

 

And yes, this does attract you or you wouldn't want to return to the chaos.

 

Has she said she wants to attend counseling? You wrote that she "blew off" her counseling appointments to hang out with you. How come you didn't encourage her to keep her appointments? Or didn't you want her to go?

 

The fact that in just over half a year you need couples counseling indicates you two are incompatible. But, again, that drama sure is exciting!

 

Hopefully it won't end badly. I have an ex who, like you, finds the drama addicting. He sought women who provided him with the adrenaline rush of extreme highs and lows (which is a main reason he and I didn't work out...I am way too drama-free for him). His relationships included screaming fights, physical violence and destruction of one another's property culminating in his current girlfriend burning his house down. Of course, they're still together. He tells people that they just love each other so much they lose control of themselves. Once the fight dies down (usually after a day or two) they resume the relationship, declaring their love and devotion to one another. Until the next fight. How do I know this? Because until I cut him off for my own good he would confide in me. He would come to me when they fought and then disappear when they made up. Stupid me allowed this. Of course I had my own issues which led to my willingness to be a side participant in the chaos. Finally I stepped away permanently and wow, is my life so much better!

 

Decide what you want. Your relationship with her will be chaotic. If you love that, then carry on! Just be careful, you don't want it to get so bad that law enforcement gets involved.

 

And to answer your question, it sounds like nothing has changed. Fighting followed by making up. It doesn't even sound like you two are broken up except for her moving out.

 

PS: I sure hope her going to her family wasn't a result of you getting physically violent with her.

 

So an update on things. She managed to text through to me on a different number that she wants just one month to fix herself and come back to me. She also called several times and left a VM saying "wait for me" and sobbing. But the more I read replies to this thread the more it reminds me of exactly why I should feel relieved since we've split up. I've been sad too, but other times I feel enormous relief. With the therapy I very much encouraged her to do it but I couldn't always stay on top of it. There's no point forcing someone to change, they have to change for themselves. I think she did want to go but lacked motivation. Appointments weren't set and they'd call or text her phone to make one and she'd never answer nor tell me about it.

 

It's like I have some switch in my brain that makes me miss it even though I just know it's extremely unhealthy and could never work. I even wrote a list of a the pros and negatives of breaking up and literally there were about a dozen pros off the top of my head and only two negatives. Those two were missing her company and the memories. Even comparing that to a DOZEN positives it's hard for me to let go. I know I have to now though.

 

I've always known but I've never had the strength when she's kept begging me. She's extremely persistent and has even shown up on my doorstep in the middle of the night when she thought I wanted to finish with her. This was under a month of knowing each other and living separately. Yeah, "red flags" from the start. Everyone I talked to even back then told me to stay the hell away.

 

I was at such a low point when we started I thought I couldn't get any worse. Having her company meant at least I wasn't suffering from being isolated anymore back then. Now that I've got those months of experience behind me, I know what's involved and I can truly say it's not worth it. It's about time I listen to advice from the 95% of people suggesting I leave this for good. I'm glad in a way I didn't listen to anyone when this started because I had to go through this to see it for what it was and learn from it. It's gonna really, really suck having to deal with the isolation I had before but I can't go back.

 

Btw, that's cool you have a story you can relate to my situation. Does anyone else have some? Seeing other toxic relationships that were like mine will just fan the flames for me to never go back.

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An ex of mine was very emotionally unstable, and the relationship deteriorated very badly.

 

I ended it once and for all after around a year of nonsense with him. I was just no longer interested in trying and had lost all romantic feelings for him. Never before had I been in a relationship like that, and I maintain that breaking up with him was one of the best things I have done for myself. It's been a handful of years since I last spoke to him, and I long since moved on to a loving, stable man.

 

It gets better OP, but I would caution you that you might crash again - you are currently feeling the surge of confidence from knowing an ex wants you back (as per your most recent update) but that might not last if she decides to pull back again. You have the proverbial "upper hand" at the moment, which is precisely when the broken-hearted start to feel like they can move on just fine...unless the dynamic once again shifts and you find yourself pining to hear from her. Do take confidence in reading the comments on this thread to encourage you to stay broken up.

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