Are these texts from my ex "breadcrumbs" or do they mean more? Coming back?

[Wiseman2]

There are plenty of ways to alleviate that. Roommates, classes, courses volunteering, a fun part-time job, joining groups, clubs, sports. Never get this attached/dependent on someone just to assuage loneliness. Find healthier outlets.

missing her company and the memories. It's gonna really, really suck having to deal with the isolation I had before

[Hollyj]

Don't answer numbers you do not recognize, and block her on everything!

[newguy6802]

So at the start because what she'd done was so out of character AS WELL as the circumstances I would've never believed she'd come back so quick. She's managed to send another message saying she can't stand her decision and she's coming to see me right now. But then right after sent "In your heart you'll know I'm there, thank you for everything". I don't know what's going through her head or if she'll even do it. There's nothing I can do to stop her from showing up on my doorstep, she's done it before.

 

This is all too quick and a few days means nothing for either of us to make sense of what's going on or which direction we want to take. I'm making a new thread that goes more in detail and whether or not this relationship can be fixed/is worth it.

[boltnrun]

Sh*t. So at the start because what she'd done was so out of character AS WELL as the circumstances I would've never believed she'd come back so quick. I guess the writing was on the wall. She's managed to send me a message saying she can't stand her decision and she's coming to see me right now. There's nothing I can do to stop her from showing up on my doorstep, she's done it before.

 

This is all too quick and a few days means nothing for either of us to make sense of what's going on or which direction we want to take. I'm making a new thread that goes more in detail and whether or not this relationship can be fixed/is worth it.

 

This is more of the drama you say you aren't attracted to. She "managed" to send you a message? And you "managed" to read it?

 

At this point it's a choice.

 

You know, my ex used to complain ALL THE TIME about the things his girlfriend did. He even called her a psycho right in front of me. Told her to go away and never come back. Later that night he let her in and she spent the night and all of the next few days. He loved the drama too much and didn't really want to let go despite all his complaining.

 

From what you wrote, you're half annoyed and half excited. I have to wonder, are you thinking "Wow, she must really love me!!!"?

[MissCanuck]

Sh*t. So at the start because what she'd done was so out of character AS WELL as the circumstances I would've never believed she'd come back so quick. I guess the writing was on the wall. She's managed to send me a message saying she can't stand her decision and she's coming to see me right now. There's nothing I can do to stop her from showing up on my doorstep, she's done it before.

 

That's not true. You could easily stop her. You don't want to, which is a different story. You're not a passive agent here, but a willing participant.

 

Brace yourself for more drama and heartache in the days, weeks or months ahead. This won't end well for you.

[Hollyj]

I'm out. OP, is just going back for more craziness.

[boltnrun]

I'm out. OP, is just going back for more craziness.

 

It's just a different way to conduct a relationship. Is it healthy? Of course not. Can it last? Absolutely. My ex is going on 10 years with the woman who burned his house down. BTW, she burned it down 8 years ago. Yes, he stayed 8 more years (and counting) with the woman who burned his entire house with all his belongings in it down. Another guy I know (and dated for 5 minutes until I realized I was going down the exact same unhealthy road) had been arrested multiple times for domestic violence and drug charges during his relationship with a woman much like how the OP's girlfriend sounds (minus the drugs, I presume). Fights and making up, round and round and round. He absolutely adored that woman. It was only after something like his 4th arrest and being removed from the family business that he finally realized it might be time to let her go. He stayed with her for about 5 years before finally pulling the plug. He said the sex was off the charts phenomenal.

 

Those of us who aren't attracted to this type of dynamic don't understand because it's so far removed from our worlds. But for those who thrive on excitement, adrenaline rushes and drama, this is exactly what they crave.

 

OP, you seem to think it's either her or loneliness and isolation. It doesn't have to be either, you know. And that's why I say you're deliberately choosing to run back into the fire. Fire is hot, isn't it?

[Hollyj]

It's just a different way to conduct a relationship. Is it healthy? Of course not. Can it last? Absolutely. My ex is going on 10 years with the woman who burned his house down. BTW, she burned it down 8 years ago. Yes, he stayed 8 more years (and counting) with the woman who burned his entire house with all his belongings in it down. Another guy I know (and dated for 5 minutes until I realized I was going down the exact same unhealthy road) had been arrested multiple times for domestic violence and drug charges during his relationship with a woman much like how the OP's girlfriend sounds (minus the drugs, I presume). Fights and making up, round and round and round. He absolutely adored that woman. It was only after something like his 4th arrest and being removed from the family business that he finally realized it might be time to let her go. He stayed with her for about 5 years before finally pulling the plug. He said the sex was off the charts phenomenal.

 

Those of us who aren't attracted to this type of dynamic don't understand because it's so far removed from our worlds. But for those who thrive on excitement, adrenaline rushes and drama, this is exactly what they crave.

 

OP, you seem to think it's either her or loneliness and isolation. It doesn't have to be either, you know. And that's why I say you're deliberately choosing to run back into the fire. Fire is hot, isn't it?

 

I chuckle everytime I read the story about the house burning! What a sick situation!

 

You're right! I can't relate to all of this nonsense. Life is tough enough.

[Wiseman2]

Have you read these, particularly item #7? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php

I'm making a new thread that goes more in detail and whether or not this relationship can be fixed/is worth it.

[RayRay63]

Too late buddy.

 

For all we know you are presenting a modified version of what happened.

[boltnrun]

I'm guessing she showed up and they shared a passionate night.

 

Things will be like a fairy tale until the next big fight.

[newguy6802]

I'm sure everyone in this thread has/had support outside of their partner/ex. I have none. I grew up only ever being in contact with a few family members (no extended or big family for me) and it's now narrowed down to just my one parent who can still be harmful and I need to move away from for my mental health. I've been distanced permanently from any old school friends and it's been a struggle establishing any kind of new friendship or connection where I am now.

 

Take away a person's family and friends and they have nothing. Even having no friends is tolerable if you have family. I have neither. This isn't negative defeatist talk, it's cold hard facts. So I'm between a rock and a hard place. Unless you've been through what I've been through, and had the past and demons I've had to deal with, it's not realistic to think you can relate. You really don't know enough about my situation to justify whatever decision I make or don't make.

[newguy6802]

It's just a different way to conduct a relationship. Is it healthy? Of course not. Can it last? Absolutely. My ex is going on 10 years with the woman who burned his house down. BTW, she burned it down 8 years ago. Yes, he stayed 8 more years (and counting) with the woman who burned his entire house with all his belongings in it down. Another guy I know (and dated for 5 minutes until I realized I was going down the exact same unhealthy road) had been arrested multiple times for domestic violence and drug charges during his relationship with a woman much like how the OP's girlfriend sounds (minus the drugs, I presume). Fights and making up, round and round and round. He absolutely adored that woman. It was only after something like his 4th arrest and being removed from the family business that he finally realized it might be time to let her go. He stayed with her for about 5 years before finally pulling the plug. He said the sex was off the charts phenomenal.

 

Those of us who aren't attracted to this type of dynamic don't understand because it's so far removed from our worlds. But for those who thrive on excitement, adrenaline rushes and drama, this is exactly what they crave.

 

OP, you seem to think it's either her or loneliness and isolation. It doesn't have to be either, you know. And that's why I say you're deliberately choosing to run back into the fire. Fire is hot, isn't it?

 

It seems you're putting those two different women in the same category but saying one is more like mine than the other. How was the second example you gave more like my GF? And how was the first example with the burning house anyway relatable to my relationship? That's a whole new level of madness.

[boltnrun]

Well, you met her.

 

You'd rather put yourself at risk for legal issues or worse than make efforts to meet people?

 

Anyway, you've already decided. You would rather take your chances with someone who's already proved to be extremely unstable. Hopefully you don't end up deeply, deeply regretting this decision.

 

BTW, I live several hundred miles away from my entire family, including my kids. I moved here knowing exactly 3 people and I'm close to none of them. I found ways to meet people and make friends. And it didn't even occur to me to continue to pursue a relationship with the second guy I mentioned. I value my sanity, personal safety and clean legal record too much to attach myself to someone so unhealthy. It can be done, you just have to decide what's important to you and act accordingly.

 

And no, I did not say it would be "easy". But it's worth it to have peace of mind.

[boltnrun]

It seems you're putting those two different women in the same category but saying one is more like mine than the other. How was the second example you gave more like my GF? And how was the first example with the burning house anyway relatable to my relationship? That's a whole new level of madness.

 

Those women didn't begin the relationships with house burning or domestic violence. But there were signs. Like constant fighting and irrational behaviors. Things escalated from there.

 

I see you wish to continue the relationship. Of course, that is entirely your choice. Hopefully things don't escalate.

[boltnrun]

Look, I'm sure you're feeling kind of beat up on. But you're so young. It would be a shame for you to remain in a situation that could affect the rest of your life over someone you're with only because you are lonely. You're convincing yourself you love one another when it's really two lonely people wanting someone.

 

My ex was the same way. Except, he hated himself. Absolutely HATED himself. He couldn't stand to spend even a few hours alone because he despised himself so much. And because he was unhealthy emotionally he was attracted to people who were in the same boat. Obviously, that included me.

 

Please be careful. If you find things escalating beyond what you are able to handle or what you expect, please remove yourself from the situation before something happens that can cause you some real problems.

[newguy6802]

Look, I'm sure you're feeling kind of beat up on. But you're so young. It would be a shame for you to remain in a situation that could affect the rest of your life over someone you're with only because you are lonely. You're convincing yourself you love one another when it's really two lonely people wanting someone.

 

My ex was the same way. Except, he hated himself. Absolutely HATED himself. He couldn't stand to spend even a few hours alone because he despised himself so much. And because he was unhealthy emotionally he was attracted to people who were in the same boat. Obviously, that included me.

 

Please be careful. If you find things escalating beyond what you are able to handle or what you expect, please remove yourself from the situation before something happens that can cause you some real problems.

 

I want to thank you for your genuine honest advice. I know all the advice being given by you & others is rational and in MY interest but it's still so hard for me to let go as of right now...Even if you think all this is going over my head right now, it's not. I always think hearing experiences from others is incredibly useful. It's info I can relate to, store away, and that tells me a bit more about people and how they act.

 

Could you please share how you began meeting people and building connections? God it's been hard. I've tried going to gym group fitness classes (think crossfit). There's only a small window of time after classes to talk and nothing ever evolves. I haven't drank for a long time now and don't plan on changing that for any amount of friends, so the bar's out. I'm a guy so I feel like asking to catch up anywhere else would come off as a date LOL

 

I did a University Entry course for several months and I found it easy to meet and make friends there, but ALL of them smoke weed or drink and we drifted apart after University went on holidays. Then there's work...I get on real good with some of my co-workers but they're so much older (Minimum 7 years). Socializing with them is so different.

 

So what else is there? There's not really good options for volunteering here. I'd be happy to go to Church and plan to go there anyway regardless of friends. But could you meet people out of only one day a week?

[teeEFc]

I want to thank you for your genuine honest advice. I know all the advice being given by you & others is rational and in MY interest but it's still so hard for me to let go as of right now...Even if you think all this is going over my head right now, it's not. I always think hearing experiences from others is incredibly useful. It's info I can relate to, store away, and that tells me a bit more about people and how they act.

 

Could you please share how you began meeting people and building connections? God it's been hard. I've tried going to gym group fitness classes (think crossfit). There's only a small window of time after classes to talk and nothing ever evolves. I haven't drank for a long time now and don't plan on changing that for any amount of friends, so the bar's out. I'm a guy so I feel like asking to catch up anywhere else would come off as a date LOL

 

I did a University Entry course for several months and I found it easy to meet and make friends there, but ALL of them smoke weed or drink and we drifted apart after University went on holidays. Then there's work...I get on real good with some of my co-workers but they're so much older (Minimum 7 years). Socializing with them is so different.

 

So what else is there? There's not really good options for volunteering here. I'd be happy to go to Church and plan to go there anyway regardless of friends. But could you meet people out of only one day a week?

 

When you say there's no good volunteering options, what does that mean?

Things that I have looked at doing/am doing:

 

1) volunteering for an organization that I have an interest in - I've met lots of wonderful people

2) volunteer for a music event = if you're young enough look for indie music. I've met some great ppl this way

3) get into a co-ed sport like soft ball = you'll meet some nice ppl there too

4) get involved in a political organization = truly, you'll meet people there too

5) church is a great idea = but again = they probably have an outreach wing which will be good for you.

6) board games and board game meet ups

 

Yes, you can totally meet people with only one day a week of activity. I've done it many times.

I don't know how small your area is, but meetup.com is something we have here and it's pretty good for meeting new people. I've met several friend groups this way.

 

Good luck. Things get better - slowly. It's like you move at a glacial pace. But, eventually you don't wake up in incredible pain and you don't go to bed incredibly sad. You will start to realize that the other person isn't giving you what you want and you have no choice but to let them go. You will get there.

[newguy6802]

Thanks TeeEFc

[boltnrun]

Has she moved back in?

[No1]

OP to put it bluntly.. you can get the best advice in the world here and none of it matters if you are going to want your X back.

So Ill make this simple for you. If this girl comes back into your life. You are going to go right back to where you were. Fights, walking on egg shells, be mad, frustrated but hey, at least she is back in your life. OR

You let her go. Its going to be hard, but in the end this is the best for you. You will have room in your heart for someone better to come along.

What you want is the easy way and having her in your life is easy. Its all familiar and you don't have to be alone.

So today you have a choice. Want her in your life where she causes you grief and who knows maybe one day you will end up in jail because she will claim you hit her. But hey, she is in your life.. OR

You can tell her bye, have a good life and live your own life.

If you decide to have her in your life, from this day on if you feel pain, anger, sadness, depression, anxiety it is because you wanted it.

 

Good luck..

 

BTW.. its only breadcrumbs if you think it is.