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My fiance and I were together for 14 years and broke up in January and I'm still not over it, so I'm moving 1000 miles away to Florida to "start a new life" and work and go to college and everything. In the back of my mind I feel like if I go so far away it will mean that there is no possibility of my ex ever coming back in the future, even though he's been dating his coworker since he left. He also told me not to go because I'd hate it and that's playing over and over in my mind. I'm having a really hard time with the anxiety of moving forward and starting over especially so far away. Any advice would be really helpful!

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It's not the location that's faraway, it's your mind that needs to be faraway no matter where you go.

 

You will meet new people at college and work. It will be a whole new world for you. Once you become overwhelmingly busy with college, work and your social life, your boyfriend will become a distant memory and eventually a blur.

 

Give it time. Give yourself healthy distractions in all you do whether it's exercise, studying, working, classes and social life. All of this will help you move forward.

 

Don't live in the past anymore. Leave that behind in your mind. A change of scenery will help. However, most of all, keep moving forward in your mind and don't allow your mind and its memories have a hold or grip on your life. Learn to let it go.

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We got engaged about 4 years ago. We started fighting in August of last year and things just went downhill from there until he eventually left for good in January and immediately jumped into a relationship with his 20 year old coworker (he's 33 and I'm 32)It's hard for me to get over everything because it was a very bad break up and I still love him and we've been together since we were 18. He also still posts about me on social media which confuses me further.

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I think it's a good idea to make this break. It's too bad that it took this long to realize that you weren't going to last forever. Being engaged for 4 years means that either you or he or both weren't totally committed to permanence.

 

When you're in Florida with a new job and a new atmosphere, you'll have a much better attitude towards life. He didn't waste much time finding a new squeeze. I think you're making the right choice.

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This sounds like an exciting time, and an exciting move.

 

For what it's worth: I've moved twice following breakups, and both times have been life-changing. Happy tp say more, if interested, but at the end of the day I believe there are just things you discover about yourself by taking that kind of step that aren't possible to discover any other way. I think the key is to put it terms of what you're running "toward" rather than "away from," per that old saying that no matter how far you go you always have to deal with yourself.

 

Who cares what he says, thinks, and posts on social media? Time to stop giving currency to all that, since it buys you literally nothing.

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This sounds like an exciting time, and an exciting move.

 

For what it's worth: I've moved twice following breakups, and both times have been life-changing. Happy tp say more, if interested, but at the end of the day I believe there are just things you discover about yourself by taking that kind of step that aren't possible to discover any other way. I think the key is to put it terms of what you're running "toward" rather than "away from," per that old saying that no matter how far you go you always have to deal with yourself.

 

Who cares what he says, thinks, and posts on social media? Time to stop giving currency to all that, since it buys you literally nothing.

 

Thank you that gives me some hope! Anything you'd like to share I'd be happy to hear! Also you're right, I know I shouldn't worry about what he says because it just makes me think he cares and gives me false hope.

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I have a different take and I'm not very keen on forms of escapism without actually dealing with a problem head on. If you're leaving in a huff and a puff (in a heightened emotional state), it's unlikely you'll make good decisions for yourself in the long run. Sure, you could depend on the graces and charity of good people along the way but why would you limit yourself so badly or allow someone else to have that kind of effect on you?

 

What do you have in FL? Do you mind me asking? If you're moving away just to escape, I don't think you're doing yourself a service. It's just a way of avoiding your own pain and you're not dealing with it well enough. I'd put a hold on all the social media connections (mute/block/delete), whichever works best for you. Even if you're hundreds of kilometers or miles away, you're going one step forward and two steps back by viewing into his life and seeing his social media status and sad lovelorn posts of bygone days. It'll just trigger you back into your state of sadness and break up pain all over again. Where you physically locate yourself makes no difference. I've never believed in picking up and moving across anywhere as a form of escapism.

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I have a different take and I'm not very keen on forms of escapism without actually dealing with a problem head on. If you're leaving in a huff and a puff (in a heightened emotional state), it's unlikely you'll make good decisions for yourself in the long run. Sure, you could depend on the graces and charity of good people along the way but why would you limit yourself so badly or allow someone else to have that kind of effect on you?

 

What do you have in FL? Do you mind me asking? If you're moving away just to escape, I don't think you're doing yourself a service. It's just a way of avoiding your own pain and you're not dealing with it well enough. I'd put a hold on all the social media connections (mute/block/delete), whichever works best for you. Even if you're hundreds of kilometers or miles away, you're going one step forward and two steps back by viewing into his life and seeing his social media status and sad lovelorn posts of bygone days. It'll just trigger you back into your state of sadness and break up pain all over again. Where you physically locate yourself makes no difference. I've never believed in picking up and moving across anywhere as a form of escapism.

 

I have family in Florida that are willing to help me get back on my feet. I left the state where I lived with my fiance (I only moved there to be with him) and moved 4 hours away back to my home state which is where I am now. I was originally supposed to go straight to Florida but I felt I was not emotionally stable enough so I just stalled out and stayed here.

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I have family in Florida that are willing to help me get back on my feet. I left the state where I lived with my fiance (I only moved there to be with him) and moved 4 hours away back to my home state which is where I am now. I was originally supposed to go straight to Florida but I felt I was not emotionally stable enough so I just stalled out and stayed here.

 

Is your area in your home state too small or not enough jobs/opportunities in the area? That's good that you have family in Florida. You're lucky to have that. If there are better opportunities there, then it might be a no-brainer. It's just a matter of utilizing and making the most of it.

 

I'd still recommend removing him from your social media feeds and letting go of that hold he has over you. It's going to hold you back no matter where you go.

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Do you have any friends / family where you currently live or in Florida? Getting through tough times in life is so much better with a nice support group.

 

Also, I agree with Cherylyn. It doesn't matter where you are, it takes time to heal. One day, all of this will be memories of a distant past. In the meantime, wishing you plenty of strength to get through this!

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I was going to add (but couldn't edit my message any more):

 

With Christmas and NYE approaching, I truly believe it will be advantageous for you to be surrounded by good friends / family, anyone you are close to who can help you survive this festive season. Wherever you are, stay connected to your support group. That's what has worked for me.

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I moved away after a tough breakup. It was the best decision I could have made. My life is great, I have wonderful friends and best of all, I have no feelings at all for my ex.

 

I moved away from him 8 months ago, but nothing has been working so I'm hoping going somewhere completely new will help. I hope to have that happen for me one day soon. Thank you!

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I was going to add (but couldn't edit my message any more):

 

With Christmas and NYE approaching, I truly believe it will be advantageous for you to be surrounded by good friends / family, anyone you are close to who can help you survive this festive season. Wherever you are, stay connected to your support group. That's what has worked for me.

 

I definitely notice it being very hard at this time of year since it's my first year alone. Unfortunately the few friends I have are back in the state where I used to live but I'm going to be around family in a different area with no memories so hopefully that will help a little bit. Thank you!

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I moved away from him 8 months ago, but nothing has been working so I'm hoping going somewhere completely new will help. I hope to have that happen for me one day soon. Thank you!

 

But you're still looking at his social media...correct?

 

What reason do you have for not deleting him or "unfollowing" him?

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But you're still looking at his social media...correct?

 

What reason do you have for not deleting him or "unfollowing" him?

 

No good reasons. Mostly because unfortunately I still love him and I feel bad deleting him because he wants to "stay friends and in each other's lives". I stopped using Facebook because of his passive aggressive posts towards me and because of him commenting on my posts since I don't want to engage, but I also feel bad ignoring him. I did unfollow him on Instagram I just see his stories if they come up on a preview.

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No good reasons. Mostly because unfortunately I still love him and I feel bad deleting him because he wants to "stay friends and in each other's lives". I stopped using Facebook because of his passive aggressive posts towards me and because of him commenting on my posts since I don't want to engage, but I also feel bad ignoring him. I did unfollow him on Instagram I just see his stories if they come up on a preview.

 

I can assure you this is the very reason why you're struggling to move on.

 

He gets to dump you and immediately get into a relationship with someone else, do it right in front of you and make ridiculous demands that you remain in his orbit and in his fan club...but YOU "feel bad" about deleting him off of social media?

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Sorry to hear this. First you move out and back to your parents, now you're running this by him. It won't make him miss you a or reconcile. You need to stop talking to him.

 

My advice remains the same as on your other thread about this topic: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=560717&p=7145003&viewfull=1#post7145003

 

I haven't actually talked to him about moving recently. He told me not to do it and that I wouldn't like it before I moved in March and the last time I talked to him (I messaged him on his birthday in September because I'm stupid) he asked if I moved there yet, which he clearly knew I didn't because he watches everything I post and can see where I am and who I'm with. I think it's also in my head that I seek his approval because he always was trying to fix me and knew what was best for me.

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Trying to fix you? You're not anyone's do up project. I suggest you block him on everything and move on forward. No, he can't leave u for someone else and keep you as a friend. Have some dignity and self respect for God's sake.

Well it's my fault he was trying to fix me. I had depression sometimes and I wasn't as positive and easy going as him. He said he didn't actually leave me for her but because I wouldn't go to therapy and a bunch of other things he wanted me to do. I just don't know if I believe it 100% because he worked with the girl for over a year and knew she had a crush on him and they "hated each other" and fought all the time at work.

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Focusing on these sorts of specifics is a sure path toward spiritual corrosion and not moving forward. Ditto social media.

 

These are habits to focus on breaking, not habits to hope Florida will break. A move is exciting and distracting and so many things, but it's also unsettling, in the most literal sense, because you are re-settling. The moments of loneliness are inevitable, and they have a certain sharpness. If your go-to move when you're feeling lonely is to glance at social media, and specifically his social media, a move to Saturn, let alone Florida, would only amp all that up, not quiet it down.

 

Letting go is a real process, a hard one. Takes different amounts of time for different people, but it needs to be engaged in actively. The social media stuff is the opposite: it's actively holding on while treating letting go as passive work. In your shoes I'd consider that a key prep before moving is to break the social media habit. I think you'd be amazed at how different you'd feel if you went a single month without any contact—including any sideways glimpses into his life or glimpses (story views) of him glimpsing into yours.

 

That's just static. Once upon a time it didn't exist. You just broke up and kind of have to sit with the void. It sucked, because it sucks. But the only way the edges of the void soften, and eventually shrink, is to sit in it. That can be done in Florida, or New York, or Tokyo, or on your couch. But I think you're making it all a bit harder on yourself right now than it needs to be.

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You're driving the bus. You tell people when they can hop on board, and you get to kick them off, and permanently, when they are toxic passengers. It's not about what he wants--staying friends. And his version of "friendship" is not what a mentally healthy person thinks it is. Passive aggressive behavior? My friends don't do this to me, and if they did, they'd be kicked off the bus.

 

Start relying on your own self-approval and don't seek that out from someone who dumped you and replaced you with the poor soul who has filled that spot.

 

And not that you should get in the dating pool again for a good long while, but when you do, guys will run away when you tell them you still stay in contact with your ex.

 

Delete and block him from every single form of contact, and don't look at his media stuff any longer. Reward yourself when that happens by doing something that makes you happy. Baking cookies. Buying yourself a little trinket. Lighting candles and taking a bubble bath.

 

Practicing self love will get you into the forward momentum you need for your new life without some barnacle encrusted anchor dragging you down. As the song says, "My future's so bright, I have to wear shades."

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