Starting over advice

[Geminifeed]

You need to immediately change your location and privacy settings on all your messaging and social media apps and all your devices. You're not a pet with an microchip, so don't agree to anything like this.

 

It's just because when I post things he can see where I am or who I'm with because he knows where my family/friends are and who they are. He doesn't have any special access or anything, he just looks at anything I post immediately.

[Geminifeed]

Focusing on these sorts of specifics is a sure path toward spiritual corrosion and not moving forward. Ditto social media.

 

These are habits to focus on breaking, not habits to hope Florida will break. A move is exciting and distracting and so many things, but it's also unsettling, in the most literal sense, because you are re-settling. The moments of loneliness are inevitable, and they have a certain sharpness. If your go-to move when you're feeling lonely is to glance at social media, and specifically his social media, a move to Saturn, let alone Florida, would only amp all that up, not quiet it down.

 

Letting go is a real process, a hard one. Takes different amounts of time for different people, but it needs to be engaged in actively. The social media stuff is the opposite: it's actively holding on while treating letting go as passive work. In your shoes I'd consider that a key prep before moving is to break the social media habit. I think you'd be amazed at how different you'd feel if you went a single month without any contact—including any sideways glimpses into his life or glimpses (story views) of him glimpsing into yours.

 

That's just static. Once upon a time it didn't exist. You just broke up and kind of have to sit with the void. It sucked, because it sucks. But the only way the edges of the void soften, and eventually shrink, is to sit in it. That can be done in Florida, or New York, or Tokyo, or on your couch. But I think you're making it all a bit harder on yourself right now than it needs to be.

 

You're 100% right. I've been sitting in it since January and unfortunately not moving forward in life because I've been in a very deep depression. I have a lot of guilt from my part in the relationship failing along with dealing with everything my ex did to me during the breakup. I stalled on moving to FL since March because I was scared to be alone and be in a new area, but I'm alone where I am now in an area I haven't lived in for 12 years anyway with family that I don't get along with. I know the social media stuff is hurting me but I guess I'm scared to cut that cord and have him think I'm "being petty" and have no chance of getting him back in the future.

[DancingFool]

I haven't actually talked to him about moving recently. He told me not to do it and that I wouldn't like it before I moved in March and the last time I talked to him (I messaged him on his birthday in September because I'm stupid) he asked if I moved there yet, which he clearly knew I didn't because he watches everything I post and can see where I am and who I'm with. I think it's also in my head that I seek his approval because he always was trying to fix me and knew what was best for me.

 

OK, this in bold is seriously creepy af and completely inappropriate. It needs to end and end now.

 

Also, he was always trying to fix you? Wth? It sounds like you've been in a very toxic, unhealthy, controlling relationship being constantly told that you are defective for 14 years by this guy. It's been so long and you were so young when this started, that this dynamic probably seems completely normal to you, as in you don't seem to be aware that it was sick and destructive and you are now dealing with the damage this toxic bs from him caused you. Does it ever occur to you that you might have been depressed because of what he was doing and how he was treating you?

 

In short, this guy is a complete low life and you are lucky to be out and away from him. I know you don't see it like that because 14 years of gaslighting and being "fixed" is a long time and a lot of brainwashing happening. It will take a long time for you to wrap your head around that and get clear of it all.

 

On that note, please block and delete this creep from all social media and all access to you. He dumped you and the consequence of that is that he no longer has the privilege of having you in his life in any way, shape, or form, let alone continuing to dictate to you how to live or what to do with yourself. Blocking him is also for your own health and well being. You simply cannot even begin to heal while you keep tabs on social media. Every single time there is that contact, it's like putting a new knife into your own back. Stop it. Just stop harming yourself.

 

Block, delete, then yes move to a new life, BUT with a new attitude that you are going to embrace the change with all you've got. New faces, new adventures, new people and also, learning to be content on your own. That last part is particularly important. As Blue already touched on, moving can be great, but there will definitely be moments when you feel lonely and you have to develop better coping mechanisms for that than brooding about your ex and running to social media. Instead get busy with pretty much anything else - binge watch your favorite show, put on your running shoes and go for a walk or to the beach, read something, sign up to volunteer and do it.

 

Being in a relationship since you were 18, you never had a chance to learn how to be your own person. You've got some catching up to do and it's not going to be all roses and butterflies, but the end result is fantastic - knowing that you can stand on your own two feet and be happy without needing another person to prop you up or tell you how to live. It's the ultimate power and freedom.

[boltnrun]

How would keeping him on your Facebook friends list result in you two reconciling?

[bluecastle]

I know the social media stuff is hurting me but I guess I'm scared to cut that cord and have him think I'm "being petty" and have no chance of getting him back in the future.

 

While I understand this, on a basic human level, I've always had a different approach.

 

It goes like this: I know myself well enough to know that I never, ever want to be someone in any relationship where social media has that much glue or with any human being who would think I was "petty" for taking space to heal, nor do I want my wedding speech to involve the chapter where we watched each other's story views for a year or two while pretending to move on.

 

So: if "cutting that cord" is the thing that destroys all hope—well, bring it. That cord, on the best of days, is immature nonsense that is paying for the yachts of people your age who live in Northern California. To invest hope and identity in immature nonsense, or make immature nonsense the seed the blossoms into reconciliation, is to ensure that the connection is always poisoned, stitched together by the most juvenile tape and bubble gum on the planet. It is essentially a total disrespect of the thing we all call love.

 

Think about it, pragmatically: The social media stuff just suspends you in a state of juvenile weakness. Is that a state you want anyone—be it him or another man—to validate through love and commitment? Reverse question: Do you want to make choices in your own life based less around your own needs than to accommodate the potential of someone thinking you're petty? Or, metaphorically: If the only path toward a relationship was eating only foods that rotted your teeth and clogged your organs would you even want to be in that relationship?

 

I get that you've got a lot of your life and feelings tied up in this guy, or some idea of him. Still, when you lay out the hardest of facts here—a 33-year-old man dating a 20-year-old woman while continuing to engage with his ex over social media—you are paving a road lined with skull-and-cross bone flags. You could tell me he is also curing cancer on the side and I would tell every woman I know to stay far, far away. Give yourself some real space—not just by moving, but by really cutting this digital cord—and I think you'll start to see that. And in seeing it you'll feel something you've maybe not felt as an adult: freedom, self-possession.

 

You were so young when you met, and so it makes sense that your mode of engagement with him is juvenile. But you are not an adolescent anymore; you are an adult, a woman, far more powerful than you know. This is the time to start tapping into all that power, and celebrating it. He is a roadblock to that, as is anyone who, for whatever reasons, freezes you into a state of weakness.

[Rose Mosse]

You're 100% right. I've been sitting in it since January and unfortunately not moving forward in life because I've been in a very deep depression. I have a lot of guilt from my part in the relationship failing along with dealing with everything my ex did to me during the breakup. I stalled on moving to FL since March because I was scared to be alone and be in a new area, but I'm alone where I am now in an area I haven't lived in for 12 years anyway with family that I don't get along with. I know the social media stuff is hurting me but I guess I'm scared to cut that cord and have him think I'm "being petty" and have no chance of getting him back in the future.

 

Are you seeing anyone for this depression or the low thoughts about yourself? This person from your past seems to have a suffocating and extremely restrictive hold over you. What were the dynamics like in the relationship itself? Were you always pushed to be like this or did he always have his way? If you were that vulnerable back then and having difficulty standing up for yourself or creating boundaries, what makes you think that moving away to a new city or town will help you regrow what you never had in the first place - away from your parents and closest support network? Are you committed to not making the same mistakes again?

 

I ask all this because I'm getting the sense that you might fall into the same habits and the same cycle of relationships in Florida as anywhere else you've been prior. It's nice to move away anywhere and start fresh: new place to live in, new places to shop at, new scenery, new friends. Who doesn't like new? It's like being given a new life for free. In addition you have the support of family in Florida. What does that actually mean? Would you have access to therapy or counselling to help you with these thoughts about yourself?

 

Do you see yourself as a changed person? It doesn't sound like you've changed or healed at all from your break up. I'm just not sure the timing is all that great. Why is it not a better option for you to stay where you are, become more mentally /psychologically independent and stronger and then move?

 

What did this person in your past represent to you? I ask because I'm curious why he continues to have such an impact. Did you look up to him as a mentor of some sort? And why does his approval mean so much to you?

[Geminifeed]

Are you seeing anyone for this depression or the low thoughts about yourself? This person from your past seems to have a suffocating and extremely restrictive hold over you. What were the dynamics like in the relationship itself? Were you always pushed to be like this or did he always have his way? If you were that vulnerable back then and having difficulty standing up for yourself or creating boundaries, what makes you think that moving away to a new city or town will help you regrow what you never had in the first place - away from your parents and closest support network? Are you committed to not making the same mistakes again?

 

I ask all this because I'm getting the sense that you might fall into the same habits and the same cycle of relationships in Florida as anywhere else you've been prior. It's nice to move away anywhere and start fresh: new place to live in, new places to shop at, new scenery, new friends. Who doesn't like new? It's like being given a new life for free. In addition you have the support of family in Florida. What does that actually mean? Would you have access to therapy or counselling to help you with these thoughts about yourself?

 

Do you see yourself as a changed person? It doesn't sound like you've changed or healed at all from your break up. I'm just not sure the timing is all that great. Why is it not a better option for you to stay where you are, become more mentally /psychologically independent and stronger and then move?

 

What did this person in your past represent to you? I ask because I'm curious why he continues to have such an impact. Did you look up to him as a mentor of some sort? And why does his approval mean so much to you?

 

I am definitely going to start therapy in FL because I know otherwise I won't be able to move on from any of this. The relationship was definitely unstable on and off. We lived in his parents house in his room for 12 years. He was my whole world we spent 24/7 together even having the same days off work. We had no other friends and if we did anything other than spending time together, we only spent time with his family. We did everything for each other so I think I became very dependent on him because he always tried to help fix me and was sometimes controlling. I did look up to him and was always worried he would be upset or disappointed. Now I'm completely lost because he basically gave up on me and told me that when he looks at me he sees all his failures and that he'd have to start over with someone else.

[Geminifeed]

While I understand this, on a basic human level, I've always had a different approach.

 

It goes like this: I know myself well enough to know that I never, ever want to be someone in any relationship where social media has that much glue or with any human being who would think I was "petty" for taking space to heal, nor do I want my wedding speech to involve the chapter where we watched each other's story views for a year or two while pretending to move on.

 

So: if "cutting that cord" is the thing that destroys all hope—well, bring it. That cord, on the best of days, is immature nonsense that is paying for the yachts of people your age who live in Northern California. To invest hope and identity in immature nonsense, or make immature nonsense the seed the blossoms into reconciliation, is to ensure that the connection is always poisoned, stitched together by the most juvenile tape and bubble gum on the planet. It is essentially a total disrespect of the thing we all call love.

 

Think about it, pragmatically: The social media stuff just suspends you in a state of juvenile weakness. Is that a state you want anyone—be it him or another man—to validate through love and commitment? Reverse question: Do you want to make choices in your own life based less around your own needs than to accommodate the potential of someone thinking you're petty? Or, metaphorically: If the only path toward a relationship was eating only foods that rotted your teeth and clogged your organs would you even want to be in that relationship?

 

I get that you've got a lot of your life and feelings tied up in this guy, or some idea of him. Still, when you lay out the hardest of facts here—a 33-year-old man dating a 20-year-old woman while continuing to engage with his ex over social media—you are paving a road lined with skull-and-cross bone flags. You could tell me he is also curing cancer on the side and I would tell every woman I know to stay far, far away. Give yourself some real space—not just by moving, but by really cutting this digital cord—and I think you'll start to see that. And in seeing it you'll feel something you've maybe not felt as an adult: freedom, self-possession.

 

You were so young when you met, and so it makes sense that your mode of engagement with him is juvenile. But you are not an adolescent anymore; you are an adult, a woman, far more powerful than you know. This is the time to start tapping into all that power, and celebrating it. He is a roadblock to that, as is anyone who, for whatever reasons, freezes you into a state of weakness.

 

It definitely opened my eyes a little more to how bad the situation is when I read this. I think I know deep down that a relationship with him could never work especially after everything he did and still chooses to do after almost a year. I think I keep hanging on so tightly because I feel like he still loves me because of his actions and I just keep thinking of all the memories and the things I did wrong and how I could have prevented this whole thing. All of my feelings are tied in to him because I've never had anyone else. I'm hoping that by removing him from social media and starting therapy immediately after I move I will be able to start working through everything.

[Rose Mosse]

Keep working on yourself. Don't have others work on you unless it's a trained professional. When you go into relationships going forward, I hope you'll be more at peace and more confident with yourself. Your previous relationship sounds tremendously toxic and off key. We've all been there at one point or another or to some varying degree also. I'm glad to hear that you're considering therapy and committed to healing and growing forward. Keep your eyes forward.

[greendots]

I definitely notice it being very hard at this time of year since it's my first year alone. Unfortunately the few friends I have are back in the state where I used to live but I'm going to be around family in a different area with no memories so hopefully that will help a little bit. Thank you!

 

Do you stay in touch with your friends? Anyone in your family you get along with? Do you enjoy sports or have a hobby? Any classes that you can take during the holidays (photography, join a running group which is often free, dancing, etc) to get your mind focusing on something else. Plus, you'd meet new people and exercising lifts your mood.

 

Also, don't blame yourself. So you made mistakes. None of us are perfect. I'm sure he isn't perfect either. Maybe, at this point in time, you weren't right for each other (different goals, directions, etc) and so the inevitable happened.

 

Honestly, I'd see this as a detour. Time to focus on you, who you are, your needs and so on. Bare in mind that detours are only temporary and can lead to greater experiences.

[Geminifeed]

Do you stay in touch with your friends? Anyone in your family you get along with? Do you enjoy sports or have a hobby? Any classes that you can take during the holidays (photography, join a running group which is often free, dancing, etc) to get your mind focusing on something else. Plus, you'd meet new people and exercising lifts your mood.

 

Also, don't blame yourself. So you made mistakes. None of us are perfect. I'm sure he isn't perfect either. Maybe, at this point in time, you weren't right for each other (different goals, directions, etc) and so the inevitable happened.

 

Honestly, I'd see this as a detour. Time to focus on you, who you are, your needs and so on. Bare in mind that detours are only temporary and can lead to greater experiences.

 

I do have a few friends and honestly I don't know where I'd be if they hadn't been there for me over the phone during everything. I do like photography and drawing but I don't really have too many of my own individual hobbies otherwise. I am planning on joining the gym and taking classes of some sort. I'm trying to look at this as a detour and remind myself that it doesn't have to be a permanent situation if I don't like it.

[greendots]

I do have a few friends and honestly I don't know where I'd be if they hadn't been there for me over the phone during everything. I do like photography and drawing but I don't really have too many of my own individual hobbies otherwise. I am planning on joining the gym and taking classes of some sort. I'm trying to look at this as a detour and remind myself that it doesn't have to be a permanent situation if I don't like it.

 

That's great to hear! I like your last sentence. :)