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Thread: I'm having a really rough day

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    First of all, I'm very sorry, MirrorKnight.

    I agree, it's a good idea to fly out Friday night so you won't take too much time off work due to your tight schedules. I would visit your grandma while she's still alive as opposed to attending her funeral. She can hear your voice even though she cannot answer you.

    When a loved one was about to pass away, I said to him, "Just go around the corner. I'll be ok and I'll catch up with you." He looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes, couldn't speak to me but he understood my every word. With that, he passed away. It was so hard, so very hard.

    Even though it's extremely difficult to say your last good-byes to her, know that both of you provided each other with priceless memories especially when you were a child. You will forever hold a very special, dear place in her heart for all eternity and likewise for you as well. That right there is something you'll always treasure. Look at the positives and cherish what both of you gave each other way back when.

    If you're religious, pray and if you believe that her body is just a shell and her spirit will rise, then believe that for comfort. For many people, we believe that life on Earth is just temporary and there is a better place and new life elsewhere.

    Oh yes, I've dealt with what feels like hundreds of non-empathetic types thus far in my lifetime! I've discovered those who lack empathy and have low to non-existent emotional intelligence (EQ), were on the receiving end of the same treatment whether it was from poor parenting, toxic, dysfunctional home lives, brokenness, mental and / or physical abuse over the years or decades and feeling overwhelmed by repetitive cruelty.

    You can't teach what a person doesn't know. Or, they could've been sweet, naive and innocent once upon a time, they met and married the wrong person, abused to smithereens and if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Some people were kindhearted long ago and then became tainted and corrupt due to their abusers and wretched environment. I've seen and heard it all and nothing fazes me, MirrorKnight.

    I've noticed empathetic people and those who possess high emotional intelligence tend to surround themselves with alike minds. Their family and friends tend to be normal, loving, nurturing, caring, honorable, very moral, decent human beings or so I've noticed. You're a product of your environment and whom you associate with for years.

    If all you know is meanness, hate, total disregard for other people's feelings, accustomed to habitual disrespect, deceit, betrayals, lies, manipulative behaviors, gaslighting and the whole lot, you become just like your perpetrators. If you lie with dogs, you wake up with fleas.

    Yes, people who lack empathy are unkind. All they think about is themselves and it's all about them. They're incredibly self-centered and selfish.

    I've also noticed that people who have insurmountable problems whether it's poor health (or a family member), shaky finances and train wreck personal relationships (3 biggest worries) are very miserable. Therefore, they'll engage in the "misery loves company" tactic on you. They want you to be just as unhappy and insecure as they are so they'll say anything to either make you angry, upset, sad or all 3. It's human nature.

    You're not overthinking. People behave oddly and disrespectfully for a reason. It ALWAYS stems from somewhere and not a good place in their mind.

    Some people are just indifferent. They don't care and it shows. It should not come as any shock. You'll become wary and jaded. What helps is lowering your expectations of others. If they're kind, then great and if they're not, most of the time it's actually considered the norm on this Earth. Don't put too much stock in people and you'll be happier.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    My shortest answer (not my strong suit) is that you are in a highly emotional state right now, and that such states are best recognized than reacted to. You just ended a relationship, and now you're dealing with family health issues. That is a lot, and it's going to spin the head for a bit.

    Kathy, in all that? Well, I'm not sure if Kathy is someone you're quite able to connect with right now. When you were with Jane she was a catalyst for helping you leave Jane, and now, romantically, you're kind of testing that out. To add in how she is handling your grandmother's illness to that test—well, it's a lot to put on the shoulders of someone you've gone on handful of dates with. Seems her margin of error is gauged by the hour. These are needles I'm not sure any human can thread.

    It's also a lot to put on your own shoulders. I say take a thousand deep breaths, so you can give yourself a minute to be you, and confront what you need to confront. Yes, these are the moments when we really need support, but asking someone we hardly know, and don't have a defined relationship with, to be that pillar? It's just a big ask.

    I'm glad your grandmother has stabilized, and am happy you get to see her this weekend.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think this is a difficult time so don't make any big generalizations about Kathy right now. You don't want to go back and forth on her all the time. It's a rollercoaster. The ideas about a wedding are a bit cart before the horse. If you proposed to her somewhere I'm sorry I missed this.

    If I'm understanding it properly or haven't missed anything... both of you are still getting to know one another. You're judging her as if this is a very long standing friendship and it hasn't been. You both didn't even know one another existed one year ago today.

    Keep in mind not everyone knows how to deal with crises or illness in the family. Some people 'forget', others forget how to connect altogether, others hover and stress other people out. Just take it one day at a time. Don't nitpick at Kathy. You'll stress yourself out unnecessarily and now really isn't the time. If both of you don't get along, trust that you'll naturally gravitate towards other people, let go of chatting with Kathy so often. I had to let go of friends and some friends had to let go of me. It's all part and parcel of moving through life. Very sad and painful in the moment but it's not worth it trying to figure everyone out. You shouldn't have to. Just accept people the way they are and you do you.

    My prayers are with your grandma (mah mah or po po?). Good idea on leaving on a Friday or Saturday if you can.

  4. #14
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    First of all, I'm very sorry, MirrorKnight.

    I agree, it's a good idea to fly out Friday night so you won't take too much time off work due to your tight schedules. I would visit your grandma while she's still alive as opposed to attending her funeral. She can hear your voice even though she cannot answer you.

    When a loved one was about to pass away, I said to him, "Just go around the corner. I'll be ok and I'll catch up with you." He looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes, couldn't speak to me but he understood my every word. With that, he passed away. It was so hard, so very hard.

    Even though it's extremely difficult to say your last good-byes to her, know that both of you provided each other with priceless memories especially when you were a child. You will forever hold a very special, dear place in her heart for all eternity and likewise for you as well. That right there is something you'll always treasure. Look at the positives and cherish what both of you gave each other way back when.

    If you're religious, pray and if you believe that her body is just a shell and her spirit will rise, then believe that for comfort. For many people, we believe that life on Earth is just temporary and there is a better place and new life elsewhere.

    Oh yes, I've dealt with what feels like hundreds of non-empathetic types thus far in my lifetime! I've discovered those who lack empathy and have low to non-existent emotional intelligence (EQ), were on the receiving end of the same treatment whether it was from poor parenting, toxic, dysfunctional home lives, brokenness, mental and / or physical abuse over the years or decades and feeling overwhelmed by repetitive cruelty.

    You can't teach what a person doesn't know. Or, they could've been sweet, naive and innocent once upon a time, they met and married the wrong person, abused to smithereens and if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Some people were kindhearted long ago and then became tainted and corrupt due to their abusers and wretched environment. I've seen and heard it all and nothing fazes me, MirrorKnight.

    I've noticed empathetic people and those who possess high emotional intelligence tend to surround themselves with alike minds. Their family and friends tend to be normal, loving, nurturing, caring, honorable, very moral, decent human beings or so I've noticed. You're a product of your environment and whom you associate with for years.

    If all you know is meanness, hate, total disregard for other people's feelings, accustomed to habitual disrespect, deceit, betrayals, lies, manipulative behaviors, gaslighting and the whole lot, you become just like your perpetrators. If you lie with dogs, you wake up with fleas.

    Yes, people who lack empathy are unkind. All they think about is themselves and it's all about them. They're incredibly self-centered and selfish.

    I've also noticed that people who have insurmountable problems whether it's poor health (or a family member), shaky finances and train wreck personal relationships (3 biggest worries) are very miserable. Therefore, they'll engage in the "misery loves company" tactic on you. They want you to be just as unhappy and insecure as they are so they'll say anything to either make you angry, upset, sad or all 3. It's human nature.

    You're not overthinking. People behave oddly and disrespectfully for a reason. It ALWAYS stems from somewhere and not a good place in their mind.

    Some people are just indifferent. They don't care and it shows. It should not come as any shock. You'll become wary and jaded. What helps is lowering your expectations of others. If they're kind, then great and if they're not, most of the time it's actually considered the norm on this Earth. Don't put too much stock in people and you'll be happier.
    Thanks for support and advice regarding my grandma. I am not religious, but I am not arrogant enough to think that there is definitely nothing beyond the science and logic of the world I do understand.

    With regards to Kathy, I have decided to not jump to conclusions whilst I am clearly more focused on other things. It will take more time to get to know her better, it is not fair to make judgments based on one-off occurrences and in the shadow of Jane.

    Kathy is generally quite affectionate, especially in person, and she does seem to care about me quite a lot. I think there might be some "lost in translation" going on too, because although I am more or less a native Chinese speaker, I am not educated and articulate in Chinese, so I cannot express and understand certain nuances very well. Take a very simple example. On one occasion I was a little irked when I said "good morning" and "have a good day" to her in the morning, and she replied, "ok". Upon reflection, Chinese people do not say "have a good day/morning/evening" in casual conversation to each other. If I say it literally in Chinese, it just sounds odd. She does however say other affectionate things quite often.

    That said, at the risk of sounding like I am yo-yo'ing between two extremes. I think @bluecastle and @Rose_Mosse are right. This is not the time to be trying to figure out Kathy. It is far too early for any conclusions.

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  6. #15
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I think this is a difficult time so don't make any big generalizations about Kathy right now. You don't want to go back and forth on her all the time. It's a rollercoaster. The ideas about a wedding are a bit cart before the horse. If you proposed to her somewhere I'm sorry I missed this.

    If I'm understanding it properly or haven't missed anything... both of you are still getting to know one another. You're judging her as if this is a very long standing friendship and it hasn't been. You both didn't even know one another existed one year ago today.

    Keep in mind not everyone knows how to deal with crises or illness in the family. Some people 'forget', others forget how to connect altogether, others hover and stress other people out. Just take it one day at a time. Don't nitpick at Kathy. You'll stress yourself out unnecessarily and now really isn't the time. If both of you don't get along, trust that you'll naturally gravitate towards other people, let go of chatting with Kathy so often. I had to let go of friends and some friends had to let go of me. It's all part and parcel of moving through life. Very sad and painful in the moment but it's not worth it trying to figure everyone out. You shouldn't have to. Just accept people the way they are and you do you.

    My prayers are with your grandma (mah mah or po po?). Good idea on leaving on a Friday or Saturday if you can.
    I have not proposed, lol... that would be a bit insane. I see her at the weekends and sometimes one evening during the week if we both have the time.

    Most northern mainland Chinese people like me call our grandma "nai nai (奶奶)"... my family is a bit unusual (though not by any means unique) in that we call her "po (婆)", which I think other Chinese people use to refer to a different relation to my paternal grandmother.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    This is not the time to be trying to figure out Kathy. It is far too early for any conclusions.
    The thing you'll have to observe, in yourself, is if you can not only "know" the above, but actually feel it. Timing is a real thing. I look back to when I started dating after my breakup vs when I met my girlfriend, for instance. I'd taken a hard 7 months away from romance: just did me, traveled, felt, reflected. Felt I was "ready," and in ways I was. I'd stopped replaying the tape of my past relationship and the swirl of feelings had settled—a scar, not a wound.

    Still, those early dates launched my little brain into scrutiny mode. I had some fun, met some good people, but there was an edge to it all—an edge that had less to do with the woman across from me than me still settling into my own skin. The best person—i.e. the person I'm now in love with—probably wouldn't have been able to cut through that computational/emotional fog.

    Flash forward 1.5 years and I'm going on dates—no scrutiny, no edge. Some are fun, others not. One of those people is particularly intriguing, and so one date becomes more than one. I wasn't trying to "figure her out," gauge her level of "care" for me, or really imagine what partnership would be like. I wanted one more conversation, one more night—the chips would stack up to a solid foundation, or not. They did, as they keep being stacked.

    Lives have so many pieces, those pieces are always moving, and the moving pieces can knock over some pretty good chips early on. I share the above because seven or so months after I met my girlfriend her grandmother got sick, and died shortly after. They were so close. She was devastated, and is still processing all that. Aside from the basics of getting along, aside from her being a woman of striking fortitude and feeling—and, who knows, maybe me being decent and empathetic—we'd built enough of a foundation by then for that not to rock the boat. Had I met her two or five months later than I did—who knows? Had I met her a year earlier—no shot, something she also says based on where she was then.

    So, timing. Just something to respect. As you said above, this is the time to focus on your grandmother (more internet hugs) and, I think, your own heart and spirit (ditto). That doesn't mean wishing Kathy the best and parting ways, but just recognizing the above as separate entities, rather than one thing, prioritized honestly. Maybe it all starts to gel into one thing, or not. Maybe you find it impossible not to conflate them all, which is human. Time, again, will tell.

    Will be thinking about you this weekend.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think it's Singaporeans, not necessarily Chinese people. The culture in Singapore is abrupt and a bit crude. Sorry - I don't mind being frank about this because I was born there/lived there. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the context. We called our paternal grandmother mah mah (my dad's family from southern China). Po po for us is maternal grandmother. I've heard of nai nai also but we didn't use it or my grandmother encouraged us to call her mah mah/po po. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

    What I like to do is light a candle, spend some quiet time, reflect, pray... celebrate your grandmother and all the memories together that you shared with her. Get back to a good place, a grounded place where you can feel/think/see things from a stronger perspective. Things are confusing when you're alone in a different country and feeling isolated, and especially when there are things going on that you can't control and feeling sad. I think you're seeing Kathy as the closest person to a friend right now and that is ok.

  9. #18
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I think it's Singaporeans, not necessarily Chinese people. The culture in Singapore is abrupt and a bit crude. Sorry - I don't mind being frank about this because I was born there/lived there. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the context. We called our paternal grandmother mah mah (my dad's family from southern China). Po po for us is maternal grandmother. I've heard of nai nai also but we didn't use it or my grandmother encouraged us to call her mah mah/po po. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

    What I like to do is light a candle, spend some quiet time, reflect, pray... celebrate your grandmother and all the memories together that you shared with her. Get back to a good place, a grounded place where you can feel/think/see things from a stronger perspective. Things are confusing when you're alone in a different country and feeling isolated, and especially when there are things going on that you can't control and feeling sad. I think you're seeing Kathy as the closest person to a friend right now and that is ok.
    Thanks for your encouragement.

    I think you are right. For various reasons, I have never really had a close and stable group of friends. Individuals, yes, but scattered across the world. So I guess I do crave friendship as much as romance, and unwittingly I am sometimes expecting Kathy to be the constant in my life that Jane was. Clearly that is unfair.

    I don't think her behaviour can be attributed to Singapore, she has not been here long enough to be so influenced by the city. Singapore reminds me a little of London, very multicultural, crowded and fast-paced. I don't see it as rude, so much as "not friendly". Like in the UK, strangers in small northern towns would not hesitate to strike up a friendly conversation on a bus... but you try to chat to strangers on the London Underground, people look at you like you escaped a mental hospital. lol Oh and the drivers in London... lol

    So far I feel there is a contrast between Kathy in person and "online Kathy", but I will take my time to get to know her and see if it is a compatibility issue or just my own projections/issues. It occurs to me that this is my first relationship not conducted in English since I was 19, and that relationship with a mainland Chinese girl did not last very long, in part due to cultural and communication differences. I am a wiser and more patient person now, so it is not doomed to fail this time, but it is an issue that I think I underestimated, just because I think of myself as a native Chinese speaker.

  10. #19
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    You have only dated Kathy a month. Of course she should be focused on herself.

  11. #20
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    From what you've written Jane made you her entire life, her heart, her soul, her sole reason for existing. You were (are?) the center of her universe.

    Do you think a part of you misses that? Maybe wishes Cathy viewed you the same way?

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