My boyfriend had sex with someone during our breakup, lied for over a year

My boyfriend and I got together a little over two and a half years ago. The beginning was obviously perfect, but once things started to get serious he would lash out and fight with me or even break up with me. This meant at about our six months to 1 year we were on and off. I know this is a red flag, but we were young and I loved him and you can’t expect a 17 year old to know what he wants right away. Fast forward to today. He is 20 now and things got really good once our big breakup, last summer, ended. This was over a year ago and the breakup lasted about a month and a half. He’s going through a lot right now and he’s lashing out again. We didn’t break up or anything but he does fight with me about anything he can when he’s upset. I hate it and I feel like his punching bag but I want to be his escape from problems not what he takes problems out on. He knows this and he always promises to work on it. This time, he’s bringing up a party I threw back during our big breakup. I thought, are you insane? This was over a year ago why are you upset? He called me a hoe and I kicked him out (oh yes, we both live with my parents) because I can’t tolerate name calling or being treated poorly. This was Sunday afternoon and all the way up until Wednesday morning he was being a complete jerk. Saying I f*d his friends and that he can’t trust me, the whole nine. I was so confused until I started thinking it was a guilty conscious. I asked around between his friends and I got a name. I texted her and asked if they hooked up. She said they both knew it was a mistake and she’s sorry and that they were very drunk. We were broken up so I can’t really be mad, even though he’s mad I just got drunk with friends a night we were broken up. He’s very hypocritical. I’m so hurt because he didn’t care enough to tell me for health reasons, he didn’t love me enough to ever come clean, he was able to lie to my face for so long, he treated me like crap when all I was was amazing to him, he always told me I was crazy when I end up being right, and that he tried to flip this onto me after so long of it eating away at him. I really can’t be mad because we weren’t together. I just feel gross and humiliated. I had asked him multiple times if he’d hooked up with anyone, and I mean multiple times, from that last year to now, and I even asked him when I found out last night and he “swears to god” , “swears on his mom” , “swears on everything” , “promises”. Once I sent him the screenshot of her confessing, which I really appreciate of her, he said, “I’m sorry but I’m getting out of this city it’s toxic“ , “I love you with all my heart but this is not what I wanted to happen. Thank you for everything.” “Goodbye.“ “You won’t ever see me again” now I’m just annoyed because he still won’t own up to it and he’s just giving up because he’s ashamed he was caught? Right before I sent the screenshot but I had accused him he said “I literally didn’t do anything your trying to get something out of me that’s not there so stop” , “You need to stop hiding from the fact that you hooked up with somebody and your mad it wasn’t me that did it”. I don’t really know what to do or how to deal. I’m really at a loss and I feel he’s a coward. He probably didn’t tell me to try to keep it from affecting us now, but he just should’ve told me back then so it’d be in the past, and he wouldn’t get caught in what I did in the past either. Everyone’s told me to leave because I deserve better since the on and off stuff, but he’s my first everything and the only guy I’ve ever done anything with besides a peck in the school hall. Maybe that’s why it grosses me out so much?? I just want to know unbiased opinions, and sort of what-would-you-do’s. Thoughts?

It doesn’t matter if he’s your first, OP

He treats you like absolute garbage and has no respect for you. This is not what love looks like.

Add me to the people around you all repeating the same thing: leave him.

Almost no one stays with their first anything. Skip the abuse and heal and move on .

Please read up on these red flags and talk to a trusted adult about this: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/teendatingviolence/fastfact.html

I know this is a red flag

he’s lashing out again.

What do your parents think of his shabby treatment of you?

Move on from this liar and cheat. First anything or everything doesnt matter. You are worth more than this.

He's dredging up a problem from a year ago because he wants to stir up trouble. I've known guys who have admitted to treating a girl bad when he wants her to break up so he doesn't have to do that dirty deed, so the girl won't create drama and beg.

Your brain won't be fully mature, basically in the decision making portion, until you're 25. Take it from people far older that love isn't enough to choose a lifetime partner. He's toxic. Be alone and enjoy some solo time and learn more about who you are as an individual without a guy in your life. You have plenty of time, with more experiences, to become serious with someone in your future. The point of dating is to find who meets your major needs and who doesn't. Most people don't stay with a first love, because people outgrow this youthful union, and that's normal.

Break up. Pamper yourself. Spend time with girlfriends. When you get some time and distance away from this smelly garbage dump, you'll shake your head at why you didn't leave sooner.

You are not looking at the big picture: his anger and lying. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Your bf needs to seek help for anger, and I suggest you get out. This is not healthy. He treats you like garbage!

" I can’t tolerate name calling or being treated poorly.' You have allowed him to treat you "poorly" for a long time!

My parents love/hate him, he’s so sweet when he wants to be. But they absolutely hate how he treats me and are just as devastated as I am when he hurts me. My dad always says he’s not mature enough and guys are like this at our age and that’s why he didn’t want me to date. My mom always says she thinks he’s bipolar and needs help. They are highschool sweethearts and I’ve always wanted what they have. They always want me to leave him but support my decision because they know how much I love him and they’ve been where I am before. When I told my mom last night she just sat with me while I cried and we talked and she was like I was really giving him the benefit of the doubt.

M y parents love/hate him, he’s so sweet when he wants to be. But they absolutely hate how he treats me and are just as devastated as I am when he hurts me. My dad always says he’s not mature enough and guys are like this at our age and that’s why he didn’t want me to date. My mom always says she thinks he’s bipolar and needs help. They are highschool sweethearts and I’ve always wanted what they have. They always want me to leave him but support my decision because they know how much I love him and they’ve been where I am before. When I told my mom last night she just sat with me while I cried and we talked and she was like I was really giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Believe me he isn’t worth the anguish.

Do your parents abuse each other? Cheat? Lie? No right.

Anyway, you are supposed to live your OWN life, not live like your parents and put up with cheating, lies, and abuse just because you are stuck on some outdated fairy tale idea of relationships. Your relationship is not like a fairy tale at all. You are putting up with such garbage treatment it's not even funny and for what? Be honest here because this is NOT what love looks like.

He is your first, so what? He is also your first abuser, liar, and cheater.....how "nice". Wake up, get your head out of the clouds, LISTEN to people who care about you and dump this loser once and for all. Then sit yourself down and figure out what a healthy relationship actually looks like because what you are experiencing is not it. Your mother is probably not far off that the guy is psycho. You can't fix that, but he will destroy what's left of you if you keep clinging on. I'm actually surprised that your parents haven't sat down with you and had a much more serious conversation about leaving this guy and understanding that abuse is not something you put up with. Or perhaps they've tried and realize that they can't get through to you. Well....I hope that maybe hearing it from random people will be that turning point for you then.

You do not cling to people who abuse you.

Guys are not "like this" at this age. It is your bf, and he will always be like this. He is abusive. This is NOT your parents relationship.

When are you going to love yourself?

Listen to your fols if you you want to be like them. This guy is no "sweetheart". Also read up on teen dating red flags. You need to end this.

My parents love/hate him. My mom always says she thinks he’s bipolar and needs help.

Trying to stay with your first no matter what crap they pull won't get you what your parents had. He is not like your father, unless your father was a liar who abused your mom.

Chances are that your father did not abuse your mother like that and that's why they are still together. You need to let go of the unrealistic notion that he is going to stop mistreating you if you stay on. It doesn't work like that. Rewarding his mistreatment by staying on is only going to get you more of the same. More lies, more gaslighting, more abuse.

If your parents had the rare luck to create a lasting loving union from the get go, the lesson to take from their union is to accept nothing less. Your goal should be creating a LOVING union with someone who is right for you, NOT a lasting misery with some lying piece of s##t just because he happened to be your first. Lying and abuse are a dead give away that he is not your One. Your goal should be to become happy as your parents NOT blindly try to stay with your first just because your parents happened to be each other's firsts. You and him are not them. Let the liar go.

OK TBH he was not obligated to tell you. You on the other hand should have just assumed he did, and demand he wear condoms and get tested. You rubbing the proof in his face was a threat to him, so he reacted. You say he's argumentative, sure we believe you, but we don't know your communication style and how you react. You may not being able to communicate properly can agitate and increase the arguments even more. When it gets to this point, it means the relationship has reached it's end, and it's time to call it quits. Yes I understand, many come here to find a solution to fix their issue, but for you this has gone on long enough...the good times are over.

Is he paying rent to your parents?

This relationship is done. Toxic. Go your own ways and you will be both be happier.