Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 8 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 74

Thread: Too busy to just to text hello during the holidays?

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2018
    Posts
    96

    Too busy to just to text hello during the holidays?

    Iím sure a lot of you can remember my 47 page thread about my guy a few weeks back. We have hit the 3 month mark. Since then, a couple weeks back I finally told him that Iím sensing things just arenít the way they were and I feel like Iíve pretty much worn out my welcome. He was taken aback and seemed confused because to him, nothing was different. And he asked me what I thought was different. I basically told him I felt like the communication just wasnít there and sometimes I just never knew if I would even hear from him or see him again if I wasnít the one who reached out. He blamed it on the holidays, with several birthdays during the month including his daughterís, the stresses of working nonstop and being a single dad, etc. I get it because Iím in the same situation, but our communication styles are different apparently.

    Since then, he has really stepped up, reaching out every day, and of course this made me feel confident enough that I could be the one to reach out as well.

    So my problem now, is I feel it was short lived and he is starting to get distracted again. We both had our kids over the weekend so I get the last thing he wants to do is text. Although, if it were someone I was dating, I can certainly shoot a quick ďhi, hope youíre having a great weekend...Ē etc. it takes 2 seconds. I heard from him Friday night about some activities he had planned with his kids, nothing Saturday, nothing yesterday until I reached out in the evening after my kids were asleep to wish him a good night. His kids were already at the moms house at this point, but I thought I wouldíve at least heard from him. He did response immediately and never took more than a couple of minutes to respond. He did mention he was busy cleaning up the house, the weekend was hectic and he still had so much to do today, including some last minute shopping. I understood he was stressed so I let him know I knew he was under a lot of pressure and had a lot on his plate but wanted to say hello and wish him a good night. He responded saying he really appreciated my text and wished he could give me a kiss right now, sweet dreams...

    All wonderful, right? Yes, but Iím just beginning to feel insecure, wondering if heís starting to pull back again. I feel silly because he put forth effort into seeing me during the week last week, took me out during our lunch break. As we were saying our goodbyes, we briefly mentioned seeing each other again this coming weekend but Iím anxious and hoping he wonít back out due to the stress of the holidays. Heís never canceled before so I shouldnít worry, but this shift is giving me anxiety again.

    Is it normal to hear less from someone during the holidays? Even if it would take 2 seconds on their part? Perhaps for some people, the last thing on their mind after all the preparations would be to retreat? I guess Iím just hoping it will normalize after Christmas, I certainly liked the way things were going the past couple of weeks, felt like things may have finally been going in the right direction.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,235
    Lex...you've known for quite a while this is who he is.

    He will not text. Not consistently.

    I cannot understand why texting is so very, very important to you. But you are right back on that same hamster wheel. And it seems like you will keep jumping back on with the same complaints.

    It doesn't matter if we agree it doesn't take long to send a text, or if we think he should find the time, or if we think it's normal or not. It is not HIS "normal".

    He does not text consistently. He will not.

    You have two choices; accept that he will not text consistently and be content with him the way he is, or end the relationship. This anxiety you keep putting yourself through (and yes, it's you doing it to yourself) is not going to do a thing to change him into who you think he should be. Either you accept him the way he is or you end it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,675
    I think he's doing the best he can given what he has on his plate and his level of interest in you - you are more interested in him than he is in you and you have more time to text than he does. Isn't he the guy who had a holiday party for his friends and told you about it -and didn't invite you? He has shown you over and over he's not as into you as you are into him. I think he put his best foot forward the last few weeks because part of him likes dating you and having you in his life as a person he sees regularly, but he is going back to the way things were because that's how he is most comfortable -that is the extent of what he's willing to give.

    Take it or leave it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    2,815
    You've already heard from 2 posters, boltnrun and Batya. I'll simply repeat what they both said:

    This is who he is. He's not a big texter. You'll never hear from him consistently in between dates, unless you goad him into it, where he'll do it for a while, then slip back into, as boltnrun said, "his" normal.

    You will hear from him later this week, firming up this weekend's plans.

    You will go out with him this weekend, you'll be on Cloud 9.

    You will post again next week, telling us how many days since Cloud 9 it's been since he texted you.

    Wash, rinse, repeat.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,478
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Lex00
    All wonderful, right? Yes, but Iím just beginning to feel insecure, wondering if heís starting to pull back again.
    Well, here we go again: two sentences that more or less describes what this relationship has felt like to you.

    I don't want to lay it on here, but surely you're seeing what you're hearing, right?

    "Normal" is a relative concept with people, with romance. I have a friend who dated a man who would onlyóonlyótext in emojis. I thought that was weird, she thought it was cute. Shrug emoji, as the kids say.

    What dude has shown youóclear as day, in words and actionsóis that he's not much of a texter. That ain't changing. That's who he is, same way you are someone who is very, very into texting as a sign of interest.

    I can tell you I think his approach sounds pretty normal, pretty manageable, pretty healthy. But what does that matter? It's not normal for you, not enough, by the sounds of it.

    He can step it up a bitócool, except not cool, not really, not for you. And he's always responsive when you reach out, responsive and warmóalso cool, except...well, you get where I'm going. Instead of feeling soothed, accepting that as how things will go between you, you're amped up, anxious, keeping score with an ever slimmer margin of error. On Friday everything is great, but come Sunday it's all edgy.

    You've been with this guy for three months. For him it is normal. For you, you've spent 90 days waiting in agony to see it it normalizes. At some point you're going to have to realize that it will only normalize if and when you can let this issue goóor, well, let go of this whole thing.

    I don't mean to sound harsh. I want the best for you, for him, for me, for everyone.

  7. #6
    Member Eliza50's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2018
    Posts
    91
    Gender
    Female
    I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for. Everyone is different. Does it really matter what we think? Some people like to communicate a lot between dates. Some don't. As long as he never cancels, you meet often and you have a good time when you meet, how often you text to wish each other good morning or good night seems like a minor issue to me. It's only been 3 months, not 3 years.

    The only advice I can give you is not to expect him to change. This is what he's like. Take it or leave it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,454
    Gender
    Male
    If you think "it's normal" to communicate on holidays, why don't you text him "Merry Christmas!"? Why sit around a wait and worry and ruminate and fuel your own anxiety getting all steamed up about what he "should" do, what "takes 2 seconds" to do, etc.? There is no "I would...", "Why can't he..." because he's not you, he's not your ex, he's not someone else.

    Also this situation has the same pattern and rhythm as always because he is who he is, you are you and both of you have created this pattern and dynamic. What he doesn't know is all the angst and anger you feel beneath the surface because he falls short on what you expect with texting. The misery is created by would, should, could, and despite this pattern and despite his transparency about disliking texting...you want him to change. You want him to be someone else. You want him to be the guy before him or the guy before that who texted all the time.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,600
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2

    There is no "I would...", "Why can't he..." because he's not you, he's not your ex, he's not someone else.
    This^^ can't be stressed enough Lex, seriously. Stop expecting him to act the way "you" would act, or any of your ex's acted, you are different people, with diffferent natures.

    There is no right or wrong, there is only acceptance and if you can't accept his nature, what he does give you, then do yourself (and ultimately him) a favor and wish him well and walk away.

    I also don't think how often he texts in between dates is any reflection of how into you he is.

    I don't think you are any more into him just because you need more texting/interaction in between dates, you are just more insecure than him, needier than him.

    Heck I know women who text guys they are dating all the time, day and night, and they fully admit they're not all that into them at all, they're just bored and need the attention, big difference.

    My own dad hated the holidays, he went through the motions for his kids while we were growing up, my mom did all the work though. We (I) couldn't much tell until I got older, I used to take it personally when he would ignore my birthday, but then learned this was just him.

    He had his reasons for disliking holidays and birthdays, and I learned to accept it and not take it personally, it was in no way a reflection of how he felt about me, he loved me more than life itself, as I loved him, may he RIP.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,675
    So here's the thing - when I am really busy with work and//or my child or away I forget to keep in touch with people I care about. And before I had an iphone and now that I have one I write notes to myself or put reminders on my phone to text certain people or call to check in - sometimes it's a major reason like a crisis and other times it's to show I care -if a friend told me about a particular vacation destination I'll set a reminder and text to check in. When people care about other people and care about staying in touch they do it. And if they're really preoccupied and/or forgetful they come up with ways to compensate. Last night I checked the mail. We got 3 holiday cards. I sat down last night to do our holiday cards because I know myself and if I didn't do it right then it wouldn't get done. People who give a darn do things like that.

    In your case he cares about you enough to make a plan with you and show up for the plan about once a week or so. That is his limit. When he is not with you and when it's not time to make a plan you exist in his life on the edges. You are not in his family or in his inner circle. I really doubt that will change.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2018
    Posts
    96
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    So here's the thing - when I am really busy with work and//or my child or away I forget to keep in touch with people I care about. And before I had an iphone and now that I have one I write notes to myself or put reminders on my phone to text certain people or call to check in - sometimes it's a major reason like a crisis and other times it's to show I care -if a friend told me about a particular vacation destination I'll set a reminder and text to check in. When people care about other people and care about staying in touch they do it. And if they're really preoccupied and/or forgetful they come up with ways to compensate. Last night I checked the mail. We got 3 holiday cards. I sat down last night to do our holiday cards because I know myself and if I didn't do it right then it wouldn't get done. People who give a darn do things like that.

    In your case he cares about you enough to make a plan with you and show up for the plan about once a week or so. That is his limit. When he is not with you and when it's not time to make a plan you exist in his life on the edges. You are not in his family or in his inner circle. I really doubt that will change.
    I get that.... and donít expect it 3 months in as I know some would still see that as early. And maybe youíre right, it wonít change. But I was starting to believe it wouldnít until a couple of weeks ago when he finally started to reach out daily, making plans, taking me to lunch last week and got me a sweet Christmas gift (probably because I got him one the weekend before, ha!) But I still do see things were beginning to change a little for a better.

    He eventually did send a text last night, just short and sweet saying he hope I had a wonderful Xmas eve, sweet dreams. I think itís reasonable to expect the drop in communication during the days leading up to a hectic holiday. Perhaps seeing how he is after the holiday... because like I said, I really liked how things were going the past couple of weeks.

Page 1 of 8 1234 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •