Too busy to just to text hello during the holidays?

[bluecastle]

Thank you for thinking of me Katrina. I’m not sure how I feel after some of the responses, as some were a bit harsh. I played out a lot of scenarios in my head last night and I think I’m going to let this guy go.

 

This is going to be so hard for me, but I realize I’m doing this to myself and nothing is ever going to come of this relationship. Now I have to figure out how to voice my concerns to him and tell him I’m done. Because regardless of what some posters think, that he doesn’t give a crap about me, I do believe he does to an extent, and he will wonder.

 

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas as well Katrina.

 

I apologize if my posts were among the harsh ones.

 

For the record, I've never believed this guy doesn't give a crap about you. To me his behavior is pretty in line with a guy who is interested, who is feeling it out at his own pace, who is juggling dating with childcare, life, and so on. As someone who is a bit detached and finds texting boring, including with those I'm genuinely feeling, it made sense to me. That's why, for much of your last thread, I was pretty encouraging.

 

But as that thread progressed, and now with this one, it just seems to be a whirlpool of anxiety and doubt occasionally offset by a nice day, a nice night, a nice gesture. What is calm for him is turbulent for you. Being on your side—on the side of you finding peace and pleasure—it just doesn't seem like a match.

 

Big picture: I agree with Katrina that there's a man out there who will meet your needs a bit more, who will be communicative and present in a way that brings greater calm, and I think one of the lessons here is to just know your needs, value them, and assert them so you can avoid these spins.

 

But I also second j.man about rereading what catfeeder wrote about the importance of self-soothing. Was writing a similar post earlier this morning, but didn't want to pile it on, because I think I said something similar in the last thread. Still, I think another important lesson here is to find ways to control the inevitable anxieties that come with dating and connection in general.

 

The next guy might be a world class texter, but being a human he is bound to do something that makes you question things for 24-72 hours. When that moment comes, you want to have a place you can go, on your own, to dilute those questions and regain your center and power.

[Batya33]

I would not voice your concerns. You have, multiple times. I'd keep it short and sweet so you're not tempted to stay. "It's been really fun getting to know you and as you know I sense we want different things in a relationship and a future. I know you mean well and have good intentions and I I'm not suited to being as low on your list of priorities as I am" (as I am, not "as I SEEM" -his actions show it is not "seem"). I wish you and your family all the best and will love the memories of all the fun we had."

 

Be light and breezy about it and emphasize fun - so that you walk away with your pride -he will know you wanted more depth and more bonding but he will see that you're ready to walk. Then do it.

[j.man]

With respect, the inclusion of being low on his list of priorities makes it more catty than light and breezy. You might be able to get away with the first and last sentences, but I would laugh if a lady I'd been dating all of three months sent that, particularly if I'd planned and made the effort to see her on the weekends and was taking off work early when i could to fit in a dinner date in between. The extent of the OP's initiative seems to have been texting when she wants to text, which he most often promptly entertains despite it not being a preference of his. Pretty light load comparatively, if you ask me. By all means, assert your needs and dump him if you need someone who is more inclined to communicate over the phone between dates. That much is fair. But unless you've been the one doing the bulk of the planning, traveling, amending your work hours to do dinner, paying for dates, etc., you're not in much of a position to call him out on not prioritizing you highly enough.

 

You two have barely made it through one single Fall season with each other. My first semester of organic chemistry was longer than the time you've been together. You're still in "Sorry, I just can't see a future for us" territory. You don't need to qualify it and you probably shouldn't. If he asks for details, feel free, but be plain. Your communication styles are incompatible. You feel alienated with his. He may be willing to temporarily adopt yours, but it will never be for his own preference or inclination.

[katrina1980]

I agree with you j.man, for the reasons you said, plus it's presumptuous (presuming she's low on his list of priorities, she doesn't know that, it's wrong to even presume it let alone accuse him of it). As my late mom used to say "the less words, the better."

 

"I've enjoyed spending time, but this is no longer working for me, hope you had a wonderful Christmas holiday, take care." Or some variation of that.

 

Again, the guy isn't stupid, he'll figure it out. And it's been less than three months, no need to say any more than that.

[Batya33]

With respect, the inclusion of being low on his list of priorities makes it more catty than light and breezy. You might be able to get away with the first and last sentences, but I would laugh if a lady I'd been dating all of three months sent that, particularly if I'd planned and made the effort to see her on the weekends and was taking off work early when i could to fit in a dinner date in between. The extent of the OP's initiative seems to have been texting when she wants to text, which he most often promptly entertains despite it not being a preference of his. Pretty light load comparatively, if you ask me. By all means, assert your needs and dump him if you need someone who is more inclined to communicate over the phone between dates. That much is fair. But unless you've been the one doing the bulk of the planning, traveling, amending your work hours to do dinner, paying for dates, etc., you're not in much of a position to call him out on not prioritizing you highly enough.

 

You two have barely made it through one single Fall season with each other. My first semester of organic chemistry was longer than the time you've been together. You're still in "Sorry, I just can't see a future for us" territory. You don't need to qualify it and you probably shouldn't. If he asks for details, feel free, but be plain. Your communication styles are incompatible. You feel alienated with his. He may be willing to temporarily adopt yours, but it will never be for his own preference or inclination.

 

He had a party for his friends and didn't invite her. And told her about it. He goes off the radar during major holidays including now after three months of dating. I do not want her to be catty at all. I think it's a fact that she's lower on his list of priorities than she would like to be in a potentially serious relationship. And not just because he doesn't text between dates -it's what it tells her plus the party, plus the amping it up -but only temporarily. It's not his fault at all - he simply wants someone who is not part of his inner circle right now most likely -someone he can see weekly and then out of sight out of mind. That's fine if the lady wants it too. The OP doesn't want that. There were times in my life I would have wanted just what he was offering and was happy with that type of arrangement (other than we were not having sex -that would not have worked for me) -I can see why he wants that. But they want different things.

 

I don't think it's about formal communication styles. I think their hearts are in different places and his feelings are as strong as they're gonna be for her is my take.

[Lex00]

How do I even get over being done with him when the fact that the only incompatibility is our communication style, yet everything else meshes well? And is that something I should shoot over to him out of the blue, or would that be odd? Do I just wait until he reaches out first before I respond with that?

 

And we started seeing each other in September, so we actually just passed the 3 month mark. Not sure if that even matters at this point, but I always hear about that 3 month mark being somewhat significant.

[katrina1980]

Bat, just out of curiosity, what do you think of my brother's situation? For the record, he was VERY into her, he always talked about her, he just wasn't ready to have her meet us or any of his friends (including taking her to parties,, etc.) for, like I said, TWO YEARS.

 

She understood his nature and was cool with it, she had her own life, was secure with herself, trusted in the connection they shared and after two years, we met her, and it was amazing!

 

They married about three years later.

 

Again, just curious what you thought about it.

[katrina1980]

How do I even get over being done with him when the fact that the only incompatibility is our communication style, yet everything else meshes well? And is that something I should shoot over to him out of the blue, or would that be odd? Do I just wait until he reaches out first before I respond with that?

 

And we started seeing each other in September, so we actually just passed the 3 month mark. Not sure if that even matters at this point, but I always hear about that 3 month mark being somewhat significant.

 

Yeah three months is significant sometimes, but it's been like this since very early on, it didn't just start happening now, after three months.

 

If you're not ready to be done with him Lex, then learn "acceptance." Accept his nature for what it is, and stop trying to impose what you deem "normal" on to him and trying to change him into what you "need" him to be, what would make you feel more secure, that is actually quite selfish when you think about it.

 

Everyone's "normal" is different, please read my brother's story and try to learn from it.

 

It's also not his job to fix your insecurity and anxiety issues Lex, resolving these issues is your job and seek professional help if you need too.

 

In the meantime, love and appreciate him for him and what he does give you and brings to the table, this was the best advice I ever received and am now sharing with you.

[Lex00]

Bat, just out of curiousity, what do you think of my brother's situation? For the record, he was VERY into her, he always talked about her, he just wasn't ready to have her meet us or any of his friends (including taking her to parties,, etc.) for, like I said, TWO YEARS.

 

She understood his nature and was cool with it, she had her own life, was secure with herself, trusted in the connection they shared and after two years, we met her, and it was amazing!

 

They married about three years later.

 

Again, just curious what you thought about it.

 

This is exactly why I was hopeful. That perhaps he just moved at a slower pace, and he’s quite the introvert, always reminded me of his nature. While his actions show he’s really not into me, I guess there was just that small glimmer of hope that if we continued, perhaps there is still the possibility of it evolving and at that point, he would begin to feel more comfortable bringing me around his friend, and WANT to have more contact with me.

 

It took me and my ex a little over a year before we moved into a committed relationship. And I was ok with that- no insecurities, no anxiety. Maybe because I was much younger.

[Batya33]

How do I even get over being done with him when the fact that the only incompatibility is our communication style, yet everything else meshes well? And is that something I should shoot over to him out of the blue, or would that be odd? Do I just wait until he reaches out first before I respond with that?

 

And we started seeing each other in September, so we actually just passed the 3 month mark. Not sure if that even matters at this point, but I always hear about that 3 month mark being somewhat significant.

 

If you just see it as stylistic you are right. I think you see it as indicative of a deeper issue. My husband and I have been together this time around for 13 years. And a situation triggered us to discuss our different communication styles since I interpreted his reaction as uncaring. He explained why it was not the case. And I get it and I trust him -and yes after 13 years we are still having these conversations. Here's the difference -I know he loves me, I know he is committed to me, I know he cares about me. So I have that foundation of security so from that vantage point we can work through our different styles. You are not sure he cares about you the way you do about him and you are not sure he wants to be in a committed relationship with you down the road -meaning where you are part of his world and eventually like family or family to him.

 

Figureitout and I do not see this as just a matter of introvert or slower pace (and he seems extroverted and fast enough to have sex with you, yes - does he seem shy/withdrawn when sex is involved?). JMHO.

[katrina1980]

This is exactly why I was hopeful. That perhaps he just moved at a slower pace, and he’s quite the introvert, always reminded me of his nature. While his actions show he’s really not into me, I guess there was just that small glimmer of hope that if we continued, perhaps there is still the possibility of it evolving and at that point, he would begin to feel more comfortable bringing me around his friend, and WANT to have more contact with me.

 

It took me and my ex a little over a year before we moved into a committed relationship. And I was ok with that- no insecurities, no anxiety. Maybe because I was much younger.

 

Bolded, where are you getting this from? Because he doesn't text as often as you need? Because he didn't invite you to a party?

 

What about everything else he does to show that he does care, do I have to name them all? j.man did a pretty darn good job if you ask me.

 

Seek help for your issues Lex, again not his job to soothe, fix or resolve, it's yours. And if you don't, there isn't a snowball's chance in hell this is gonna work out.

[Batya33]

Bat, just out of curiosity, what do you think of my brother's situation? For the record, he was VERY into her, he always talked about her, he just wasn't ready to have her meet us or any of his friends (including taking her to parties,, etc.) for, like I said, TWO YEARS.

 

She understood his nature and was cool with it, she had her own life, was secure with herself, trusted in the connection they shared and after two years, we met her, and it was amazing!

 

They married about three years later.

 

Again, just curious what you thought about it.

 

I think it's just fine because she was fine with it. My guess is she had some commitment issues too and was glad not to have to make the forever commitment just yet -consciously or otherwise. It's easy to feel secure in a "connection" when you don't actually want more out of the "connection" or have to make it official by meeting family/friends and/or taking vows, moving in together, mingling finances, etc. It would never have been ok with me and that is irrelevant because it was ok with her. I know of married couples who live in different cities. To each their own!

[katrina1980]

No she didn't and doesn't have commitment issues, nor did or does he. Again they're married and very happily committed to each other 100%.

 

I have another brother who does have commitment issues, but not this particular brother.

 

And from speaking with both, their connection was strong from the get go, which is why neither ever felt threatened by the distance, took anything personally, and why they understood each other so well.

 

But appreciate your response anyway.

[Batya33]

No she didn't and doesn't have commitment issues, nor did or does he. Again they're married and very happily committed to each other 100%.

 

I have another brother who does have commitment issues, but not this particular brother.

 

And from speaking with both, their connection was strong from the get go, which is why neither ever felt threatened by the distance, took anything personally, and why they understood each other so well.

 

But appreciate your response anyway.

 

Yes, and I don't think people outside the relationship ever really know that. That would be my personal take on a person who was satisfied being kept off the radar by a significant other like that based on common sense -people move towards pleasure and away from pain. So she got benefits from being kept off the radar (as opposed to it being a sacrifice for her or that she was so secure she "accepted" it). Like you said she liked her freedom so she didn't have to account to him as much as a typical couple who go out with other couples and mingle their friends. For example

[katrina1980]

I guess the reason for my asking Bat was because you are presuming a whole lot about Lex's man -- that Lex is low on his list of priorities, that he's not as into her as she is into him, which obviously was not the case with my brother, even though to some his actions might have suggested that.

 

There are just so many different nuances to people, their behavior as they move towards a relationship, what's comfortable for them, it's literally impossible to know for sure what's happening in Lex's guy's head or how he feels.

 

Anyway, again appreciate your response.

 

Edit: One thing I do agree with Bat is that my sister in law was and always has been okay with my brother's introverted nature; which is why I suggested to Lex that if she can learn to accept his nature and be comfortable with the lack of texting, and allow their relationship to grow and evolve at a pace that is comfortable for both (and not pretend it's okay but actually be okay with it like my SIL was), they could possibly have a chance of making this work long term!

[figureitout23]

He had a party for his friends and didn't invite her. And told her about it. He goes off the radar during major holidays including now after three months of dating. I do not want her to be catty at all. I think it's a fact that she's lower on his list of priorities than she would like to be in a potentially serious relationship. And not just because he doesn't text between dates -it's what it tells her plus the party, plus the amping it up -but only temporarily. It's not his fault at all - he simply wants someone who is not part of his inner circle right now most likely -someone he can see weekly and then out of sight out of mind. That's fine if the lady wants it too. The OP doesn't want that. There were times in my life I would have wanted just what he was offering and was happy with that type of arrangement (other than we were not having sex -that would not have worked for me) -I can see why he wants that. But they want different things.

 

I don't think it's about formal communication styles. I think their hearts are in different places and his feelings are as strong as they're gonna be for her is my take.

 

Not commenting on the OPers question because I feel a solution was made. I agree with Bat with this one.

 

Honestly, I’m confused where it was decided for sure this is a relationship or even headed that way. I kind of seem to remember in the previous post that there was the question of this being a sexual arrangement or more. Not gonna lie 40 pages I didn’t read every thing.

 

In my expierience if someone is looking at you to date, 3 months is enough dang time to know where you want things to go. Yes it can still go either way and there doesn’t have to be a label, 3 months is still the getting to know you phase but it’s certainly not the I’m not sure I want to date you phase, theyre past that, they should be entering the ok I think this has potential, let’s see, phase.

 

When I’m dating someone and I am wanting things to be serious, if something comes up that I know it’s too early you’re right, I’m not going to include them but I’m also not gonna talk/ tell them about it because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Not so serious, thinking back to my previous FWB, we told each other our plans all the time, it was an understanding that of course you’re not invited, it was never a question, you know? And to be quite frank, he texted me more than she’s getting, and we weren’t dating, so I don’t know man...

 

So I can’t look at the fact that he told her about it but didn’t include her as anything but a big indicator of where his head is at.

[katrina1980]

 

In my expierience if someone is looking at you to date, 3 months is enough dang time to know where you want things to go. Yes it can still go either way and there doesn’t have to be a label, 3 months is still the getting to know you phase but it’s certainly not the I’m not sure I want to date you phase, theyre past that, they should be entering the ok I think this has potential, let’s see, phase.

 

 

I agree with you FIO, but in this man's defense, Lex has never expressed to him where she wants it to go either.

 

She's been going along with his agenda, which is why he was so surprised when she mentioned she was dissatisfied with their communications in between dates. He told her he was surprised as he thought things were fine = moving along nicely. He has NO idea how much anxiety she has been experiencing.

 

Back on her previous thread, the only thing she said was that he told her he wasn't dating/having sex with anyone other than her. That was the extent of their "exclusivity" talk and where she would like things to go.

 

They may actually be on the same page re that, but have different styles to getting there, like my brother and sister in law. Different from "the norm" anyway.

 

JMO but I think before she ends this, she needs to have a good heart to heart with him about how he feels and where he sees this going long term.

 

I wouldn't because it's not my style and I am comfortable allowing things to evolve without these sorts of talks, but Lex is so anxious about it, that instead of jumping to all these assumptions that he's not into her, not prioritizing her, etc etc, she really needs to just talk to him, a good heart to heart next time she sees him.

 

Only because she just posted that his texting style is literally the only complaint she has about him, and I think it's quite absurd to end something that she's otherwise very happy with because he doesn't text her as often as she would like or need.

[figureitout23]

I agree with you FIO, but in this man's defense, Lex has never expressed to him where she wants it to go either.

 

She's been going along with his agenda, which is why he was so surprised when she mentioned she was dissatisfied with their communications in between dates. He told her he was surprised as he thought things were fine = moving along nicely. He has NO idea how much anxiety she has been experiencing.

 

Back on her previous thread, the only thing she said was that he told her he wasn't dating/having sex with anyone other than her. That was the extent of their "exclusivity" talk and where she would like things to go.

 

They may actually be on the same page re that, but have different styles to getting there, like my brother and sister in law. Different from "the norm" anyway.

 

JMO but I think before she ends this, she needs to have a good heart to heart with him about how he feels and where he sees this going long term.

 

I wouldn't because it's not my style and I am comfortable allowing things to evolve without these sorts of talks, but Lex is so anxious about it, that instead of jumping to all these assumptions that he's not into her, not prioritizing her, etc etc, she really needs to just talk to him, a good heart to heart next time she sees him.

 

Only because she just posted that his texting style is literally the only complaint she has about him, and I think it's quite absurd to end something that she's otherwise very happy with because he doesn't text her as often as she would like or need.

 

Really?

 

So its JUST the texting?

 

Again, I know I suck, havent read everything, but 40 pages and its JUST about texting? How was everyone so enthralled by all this then? Serious question.

[katrina1980]

Really?

 

So its JUST the texting?

 

Again, I know I suck, havent read everything, but 40 pages and its JUST about texting? How was everyone so enthralled by all this then? Serious question.

 

See below:

 

 

How do I even get over being done with him when the fact that the only incompatibility is our communication style, yet everything else meshes well?

 

I don't know why we are so enthralled, not sure that's the correct word.

 

For me more like curious, baffled -- as to how her level of anxiety could be this bad simply because he doesn't text as often as she needs in between dates, but she's happy with everything else, including and most importantly how special he treats her on their dates, and how consistent and reliable he is. And also how responsive he is to her when she texts.

 

Apparently according to her these things account for nothing, she believes he's not into her because he doesn't like to text much in between dates.

 

Lex, when you think about it, doesn't that sound rather absurd?

[Batya33]

I guess the reason for my asking Bat was because you are presuming a whole lot about Lex's man -- that Lex is low on his list of priorities, that he's not as into her as she is into him, which obviously was not the case with my brother, even though to some his actions might have suggested that.

 

There are just so many different nuances to people, their behavior as they move towards a relationship, what's comfortable for them, it's literally impossible to know for sure what's happening in Lex's guy's head or how he feels.

 

Anyway, again appreciate your response.

 

Edit: One thing I do agree with Bat is that my sister in law was and always has been okay with my brother's introverted nature; which is why I suggested to Lex that if she can learn to accept his nature and be comfortable with the lack of texting, and allow their relationship to grow and evolve at a pace that is comfortable for both (and not pretend it's okay but actually be okay with it like my SIL was), they could possibly have a chance of making this work long term!

 

So I think you're presuming a great deal too -that this is his texting style and that's the extent of the issue, that he's just taking things slowly, that this is because he is introverted -those are your opinions. Mine differ in this situation. I am just going on what I know of romantic relationships both personally and vicariously, what I know from dating for 24 years on and off (when I wasn't in a relationship), what I know of dating relationships from my friends, acquaintances, from what I've read, etc -all the typical stuff. Obviously the OP knows I can't get into anyone's head so my opinion is of course limited to what the facts are and my opinions of the facts she's told us.

 

I don't think this is about accepting his introverted nature. My husband is introverted and reserved (I am extroverted and too chatty at times!)- used to be far far more but still true. In 13 years together this time there have been very rare times I doubted to any core extent that he cared for me and that he was into me. And not because I had to twist my self into a pretzel to analyze whether he cared. He made it obvious. And obvious doesn't have to include lots of words or gushing. We never really texted until we were married for several years (when we got smartphones) and we would e-mail when we were dating (no instant messaging -he wasn't into that) - and we were in touch a great deal -we wanted each other to know what was going on with us -we spoke by phone daily for 20-30 minutes or more when we didn't see each other. I didn't have to accept his introverted nature as far as accepting that he showed he cared differently. I did have to accept it as far as how he interacts in social situations. When someone cares for you and is interested in you you know from the whole effect of how they interact with you. Whether introverted, extroverted or a hybrid or whatever. And no "love languages" analysis needed and no you don't have to have the same communication style. And if you're that doubtful it's either because he doesn't care enough/isn't that into you or you are so very insecure that no amount of attention would help. Either way it's unhealthy and not just a style difference. Style differences are far more superficial IMO and not about deep rooted "well do you really care about me?"

 

And yes that is my opinion. Others have other opinions. I don't think she should keep dating him.

[j.man]

He had a party for his friends and didn't invite her. And told her about it. He goes off the radar during major holidays including now after three months of dating. I do not want her to be catty at all. I think it's a fact that she's lower on his list of priorities than she would like to be in a potentially serious relationship. And not just because he doesn't text between dates -it's what it tells her plus the party, plus the amping it up -but only temporarily. It's not his fault at all - he simply wants someone who is not part of his inner circle right now most likely -someone he can see weekly and then out of sight out of mind. That's fine if the lady wants it too. The OP doesn't want that. There were times in my life I would have wanted just what he was offering and was happy with that type of arrangement (other than we were not having sex -that would not have worked for me) -I can see why he wants that. But they want different things.

 

I don't think it's about formal communication styles. I think their hearts are in different places and his feelings are as strong as they're gonna be for her is my take.

Three months isn't long at all. My wife wasn't invited to holiday parties with close friends at that time. Obviously people differ, but it's not an indication someone isn't healthily prioritizing someone they're dating. Many people treat such parties at this time of year especially familially, not as an ocassion to introduce a lady or guy you've recently begun dating.

 

Your post is riddled with qualitative judgments the OP couldn't begin to infer, nevermind us as unaffiliated parties assuming what kind of priorities this man has and where she is among them, with it being particularly audatious given his contributions being that of action and her lamenting all the effort she needs to put in to text first when she wants to shoot the ****.

 

And with this being a forum and us needing to entertain ourselves a bit in our consideration and advice, that would be perfectly fine but for the assertions being unnecessary for her to leverage against him while ending it. What the OP knows is plenty enough to suffice. Without including assumptions and accusations as to why, his communication and between date presence aren't compatible with her relationship expectations. That is the entire scope of what's necessary and relevant for her to communicate. Anything else is just spite.

[katrina1980]

Batya, no I'm not presuming anything, I actually have no idea what's going on with him, I posted that.

 

Neither does Lex, which is why I suggested she talk to him, before pulling the plug.

 

In an attempt to find out where his head is at, where he envisions this going, instead of assuming the worst, I think that's fair.

 

Gotta run out, good luck Lex with whatever you decide!!

[Batya33]

Batya, no I'm not presuming anything, I actually have no idea what's going on with him, I posted that.

 

Neither does Lex, which is why I suggested she talk to him, before pulling the plug.

 

In an attempt to find out where his head is at, where he envisions this going, instead of assuming the worst, I think that's fair.

 

Gotta run out, good luck Lex with whatever you decide!!

 

I read what you wrote as your opinions. Just like I gave mine. I think she's talked to him plenty and she has her answers both in what he said, did and didn't do. Good luck Lex!

[katrina1980]

Lex, you may want to go back to your previous thread and read the responses from the men.

 

And also pay close attention to j.man's posts on that and this thread as he is a man and gives us a glimpse into how some men think about relationships, how they move towards having one, their level of comfort introducing a woman into their social circle and life, etc.

 

It's not always so black and white and some folks think.

 

Again, best of luck whatever you decide.

[Batya33]

Lex, you may want to go back to your previous thread and read the responses from the men.

 

And also pay close attention to j.man's posts on that and this thread as he is a man and gives us a glimpse into how some men think about relationships, how they move towards having one, their level of comfort introducing a woman into their social circle and life, etc.

 

It's not always so black and white and some folks think.

 

Again, best of luck whatever you decide.

 

I don't think it's black and white at all nor do I think this is a gender thing in the least. Certainly I could see it as a gender thing in the beginning as far as you seem to have wanted him to initiate dates or mostly which is understandable. But you're sexual and seeing each other for three months -certainly either one can make or suggest the next plan. I know there's a lot out there about men and caves and being slower about commitment. I think it's far less typical than is written about especially on social media. The whole dragging men to the altar thing has been around for decades. With exceptions most of the time I don't think it's gender or "men" -just someone who is not that into the other person. He seems like a decent guy who simply doesn't want to be with you in the way you want to be with him and is not "that" into you -he likes seeing you weekly and enjoys dating you, hanging out with you, having sex with you. For that once a week.

 

Otherwise he wants to be off doing his own thing and he doesn't care if you have a cute story about the free avocados you got, or a funny convo you had with your coworker, or what you think of the latest White House departure or the great podcast you discovered that you want to share with him. If it's during your date night fine but he's not going to make time for you nor does he care if your stories are a week old or if in between the time you saw him you had your annual mammogram or had food poisoning (heaven forbid) or did awesome at crossfit, went for a run for the first time in months, or thought up a great destination for spring break that you researched.

 

He doesn't want to go to that level of detail or intimacy -he does that with his friends and family and while he might speak of you or mention you my guess is it's not in great detail or they'd want to know why you weren't at his party (or other gatherings he may have had). I don't think it's black and white at all -it's all about assessing risk/benefit and in this case I think the scales tip a lot more towards unnecessary risks with your heart and time and energy than benefits. And before you think "it's all about risking your heart" -yup. That's why I described it as "unnecessary risks". If I'd gone back to my ex "just one more time" in 2005 I likely would have still been enmeshed in that when I had the opportunity to reconnect with my now husband. And passed up that opportunity which was time limited because of geography. Oh and that ex was really introverted too and reserved -qualities I liked except he was so often distant. And months after we broke up we had a talk where I had some lightbulb moments and finally said to him something like could it be that you were like that because you just didn't care enough about being close (it's been years, not verbatim). And he said, sadly, "yes". (And yes he is happily married -he met her about 1.5 years after that conversation).