Too busy to just to text hello during the holidays?

[katrina1980]

Well gonna have to agree to disagree Bat; I do think men and women enter into relationships differently and fall in love differently, not all men and women, but many.

 

Yin and yang and all that.

 

And I think it's important that we understand these differences, it's one of main reasons relationships break down imo. Lack of understanding of each other's natures.

 

But I respect your opinion, as I hope you can respect mine.

[Batya33]

Well gonna have to agree to disagree Bat; I do think men and women enter into relationships differently and fall in love differently, not all men and women, but many.

 

Yin and yang and all that.

 

And I think it's important that we understand these differences, it's one of main reasons relationships break down imo. Lack of understanding of each other's natures.

 

But I respect your opinion, as I hope you can respect mine.

 

Yes I agree in certain situations. I don't think it has a thing to do with this situation and suggesting it to me is kind of offensive to men in general and gives the OP too much of a justification to stick around "oh he's just being like a man in his cave" or something like that.

 

I don't think it's his nature at all to have sex with a woman regularly and then not invite her to a party he planned (and tell her about it glibly) nor do I think it's in his nature to be out of touch with her as much as he is even when she expressed her concerns. I think it's simply indicative of the level of interest he has in her which would be fine if she had the same level of interest in him. I think he easily could meet someone he was more into and his actions would reflect that - because it's not his "nature" it's his choices. And she could meet someone she was less into and be happy actually that they only saw each other once a week and weren't involved in each other's lives beyond that.

[Starlight925]

Derrick Jaxn says that if a man isn't reciprocating with your communication style, then it's simple: you're lower on his priority list than he is on yours.

 

Let Derrick tell you in his words:

 

[Lex00]

Jman, thank you so much for giving a male’s perspective on this. Do hear a lot that 3 months in really isn’t a long time at all, and some people just like to see where things go. Yes, I do feel disconnected sometimes when I don’t hear from him all day, that’s MY problem. And honestly, I doubt he has any idea I’m taking it the wrong way. I don’t think I’ve mentioned before though, that I also drive about half the time to him- the last few times actually. I also don’t like to make it seem that I expect him to pay for all the dates- I pick up the tab too about half the time. My problem is not hearing from him as much as I’d like to, which makes me feel unimportant. And maybe he thinks I am... maybe he’s not thinking that at all but just doesn’t feel the need to check in every now and then. Another issue is I feel I’m asking him about his plans, if he would like to do xyz on this day... I feel like I’ve been doing that, and he will gladly accept right away. There have been a coupe of times when he couldn’t do said plan, not to cancel, but just to change location, but he would immediately ask to still see me, but at a different location. Usually between my city or his. As a matter of fact, last time, sex wasn’t even involved. I stayed over his place, we went grocery shopping, walked his dog, watched TV, then grabbed a quick breakfast in the morning before I left. I feel like I need to mention this because it’s not just a purely sexual relationship.

 

Also, Jman, his potluck he threw, it was originally going to be a bunch of his buddies, some of their wives, kids, etc. So it wasn’t his family, that’s why I was surprised he mentioned it to me but I wasn’t invited. We were only seeing each other just a bit over 2 months at the time he mentioned it to me. Fast forward to when the party was about to happen. It was rescheduled to the day after the original. And he had his kids that day, so yes, I completely understood why I wouldn’t be invited. But just the initial plan... it didn’t feel too good. But now I understand a lot of men may still see this early, whether it’s family or just friends. So thank you for that.

 

Another example of his communication style... last week when he was in my area, he asked me to lunch. Towards the end of the lunch break, he walked me to my car, I mentioned the event we had been excited about this coming Saturday. I reminded him saying we should definitely still watch it, maybe order the event, get takeout, or watch it at a sports bar. He seemed excited and said he’d definitely like to see it with me. A few days after that, we were having a text conversation, I mentioned that event... he was at work, but somehow the conversation stopped after that. Hours later when he got home, he texted me but didn’t even mention Saturday. So I feel like he was dodging it. Or maybe I’m just over analyzing. Nonetheless, nothing has even been discussed about the weekend so it has led me to believe he didn’t really want to go in the first place.

 

It’s just things like that, sometimes aloof. Otherwise, he always replies to my texts. He’s never ignored one. I’ll receive a response within minutes except for maybe 3-4 times when he was at work which is completely understandable.

[figureitout23]

Im just gonna repeat myself: this will be another 40 page post because its not about changing anything, its about soothing your anxiety.

 

Lex, you keep doing this, complain, get upset, paint things a certain way, decide to end it, then do a 180 and then its not as bad as you say or this happened but thats why or he reaches out, we could race nascar in the circles youre going.

 

I asked earlier what about a man not texting is so enthralling, its YOU!!! You're like a pendulum and its confusing.

 

But I stand by what I said earlier this is a man who is not meeting your needs but you don't want to stop dating him. So the cycle continues.

 

I for one will continue with my popcorn, I may even add a comment here and there.

[Batya33]

I think it was rude of him to mention a party to which you weren't invited and I wonder if he told you to sort of signal his intentions and who you are to him.

 

I don't think it's a purely sexual relationship at all. Just pointing out that he's not concerned about being sexually intimate with you so soon - but he can't include you in a party he tells you about that he's hosting for his friends.

 

I think he didn't follow up on the date you asked him out on because he wasn't motivated enough to go. Kind of common sense- no overthinking needed.

 

You said you just told him recently you wanted to hear from him more. So he does know. And you know how he reacted, short term.

 

You are right -he doesn't feel the need to check in now and then. Or he would check in now and then. Again -people move towards pleasure and away from pain -common sense. If it gave him pleasure to check in, he'd do it. When I was dating I didn't have a cell phone. Some of the men I dated did. And they find multiple ways to keep in touch -land line, later, e-mail, instant message even later. Took longer than the seconds it takes to text of course.

[katrina1980]

 

It took me and my ex a little over a year before we moved into a committed relationship. And I was ok with that- no insecurities, no anxiety. Maybe because I was much younger.

 

You really think it was because you were younger? What happened between then and now to cause such anxiety over essentially the same behavior?

 

I think you should explore this Lex, because it reflects that this has literally nothing to do with him; it's about YOU and your anxiety and trust issues that you need to resolve before this has even a remote chance of working out long term.

 

And please stop making assumptions; assumptions are so dangerous and just well, wrong. Talk to him, that is the literally the only way you will find out for sure what's going on in his head and what he envisions long term.

[katrina1980]

I just got fired.

 

LOL for a second there I thought I had posted in the wrong thread! :eek:

[Lex00]

Batya, I get what you’re saying, but it seems like I’m all your responses, you intentionally are putting me down and beating it into my head that this guy thinks so low of me- that yes, he’ll see me once a week but doesn’t see me worthy, not into me, doesn’t want to call me, essentially saying it doesn’t give him “pleasure” to contact me, not motivated to see me, etc. Not sure why it gives you so much pleasure to keep putting me down here but I’m already feeling down. There are other factors to consider here, and I haven’t gotten into all of the details of our “relationship”, but I will at least say, I know he doesn’t see me as low as you think he does. You don’t really know how he acts when he’s with me, sometimes when he’s not with me. I’ve only included the negatives here because that’s what I’m trying to get advice/thoughts about.

 

And actually, he DOES care about hearing about my day and the things I do. He texts me asking me about it. I do get phone calls from him as well, just because I did not mention it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. And he does ask about things. He tells me about his family, the issues he’s having, he shares photos all the time of his kids. A few days ago, he was baking with them and sent me photos of it and told me the next time he saw me, which was originally planned for this weekend, that he would have some goodies for me. So it’s not all as bad as it is. I just wanted more communication, that’s all, a little more motivation. And for some people, his level of motivation might be just fine.

[katrina1980]

Gosh, sometimes when you describe him Lex, he sounds like a dream! I think I and most women would be very happy with a man like this and the level of attention he gives you, aside from the texting issue which has become obvious is not a priority for him.

 

Not that you are not the priority, clearly you are, just not the texting.

 

I sure do hope you can work this out (within yourself). With all that he does give you, i.e. what you just mentioned combined with all the other ways he shows he cares which have already been discussed, the fact he doesn't reach out every day or as often as you would like seems like such a minor issue.

 

I think you're your own worst enemy here Lex; I can relate as I used to worry and become anxious over everything, whether it made sense or not; my mom used to say I will be the youngest person in history to ever die from an ulcer (she was kidding of course) but she was right in a sense, my level of anxiety over everything was off the charts (I used to throw up as a kid because of it too).

 

Try and think positive, talk to him if you need to, and go from there.

[figureitout23]

You really think it was because you were younger? What happened between then and now to cause such anxiety over essentially the same behavior?

 

I think you should explore this Lex, because it reflects that this has literally nothing to do with him; it's about YOU and your anxiety and trust issues that you need to resolve before this has even a remote chance of working out long term.

 

And please stop making assumptions; assumptions are so dangerous and just well, wrong. Talk to him, that is the literally the only way you will find out for sure what's going on in his head and what he envisions long term.

 

Assuming that everythings in her head is dangerous too Kat.

 

I cant speak for Bat, but I know what Im saying is accept him for who he is, take what hes presenting you at face value. And if its not enough either accept it and alter your expectations or dont and walk away knowing it wasnt a good match

 

I feel like what youre saying is continue with the assumption that it'll get better. Keep dating with the assumption that he will change, keep dating with the assumption that if it is all her issues she will be able to navigate and work through them while still being exposed to her trigger (him)

 

All of this waxing poetic when at the end of the day he isnt meeting her needs.

 

Theyre dating for 3 months, this is the time you decide, this is or isnt what I want, not ...hmmm, I think I can wait him out....

 

I know the OPer feels people are being mean and harsh, I dont think telling her to stop going in circles and quit trying to change him is mean. Whats the point of being in a relationship if youre happy, content and exhilarated half the time and anxious and insecure and uneasy the other half. Accept who he is or dont! I swear its truly that simple.

 

I will grab my popcorn and continue to watch. With the way things are going I expect a post on her wedding day about how he didnt text her that morning...Im kidding, but sadly, only a little.

[figureitout23]

Batya, I get what you’re saying, but it seems like I’m all your responses, you intentionally are putting me down and beating it into my head that this guy thinks so low of me- that yes, he’ll see me once a week but doesn’t see me worthy, not into me, doesn’t want to call me, essentially saying it doesn’t give him “pleasure” to contact me, not motivated to see me, etc. Not sure why it gives you so much pleasure to keep putting me down here but I’m already feeling down. There are other factors to consider here, and I haven’t gotten into all of the details of our “relationship”, but I will at least say, I know he doesn’t see me as low as you think he does. You don’t really know how he acts when he’s with me, sometimes when he’s not with me. I’ve only included the negatives here because that’s what I’m trying to get advice/thoughts about.

And actually, he DOES care about hearing about my day and the things I do. He texts me asking me about it. I do get phone calls from him as well, just because I did not mention it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. And he does ask about things. He tells me about his family, the issues he’s having, he shares photos all the time of his kids. A few days ago, he was baking with them and sent me photos of it and told me the next time he saw me, which was originally planned for this weekend, that he would have some goodies for me. So it’s not all as bad as it is. I just wanted more communication, that’s all, a little more motivation. And for some people, his level of motivation might be just fine.

 

Then what the &**#^@%@$ are you complaining about!!!

 

I cant.

 

Im out.

 

I really and truly do wish you luck Lex.

[j.man]

Also, Jman, his potluck he threw, it was originally going to be a bunch of his buddies, some of their wives, kids, etc. So it wasn’t his family, that’s why I was surprised he mentioned it to me but I wasn’t invited. We were only seeing each other just a bit over 2 months at the time he mentioned it to me. Fast forward to when the party was about to happen. It was rescheduled to the day after the original. And he had his kids that day, so yes, I completely understood why I wouldn’t be invited. But just the initial plan... it didn’t feel too good. But now I understand a lot of men may still see this early, whether it’s family or just friends. So thank you for that.

Allow me to rephrase. When I say "familial" in the context of a friends / close ones gathering, I mean it in the sense of it being less of a "Let's get trashed at Ricky's to celebrate a birthday" and more as close-knit gathering for the holidays. Like family dinners as much as friends can have a family dinner / potluck with each other.

 

And I'm not sure why some seem to take offense to him having told you. There are a multitude of social events most of us will talk about in passing and which the other person may not be invited to. In your case, it could be a simple, "Hey, not gonna be available [x day]; going to a party," especially if the MO was you two seeing each other on or around that day. It could be that it's an event he looks forward to and he consequently brought up something he anticipates enjoying. Talking about things we like or look forward to is kinda what we do as humans. I'm sure he expected you'd have your own gatherings you'll be enjoying. It's one thing if a friend of mine is throwing a party with SOs and whatnot, and I were to tell my wife who's for some reason not invited. It's another if it's a woman I've been dating two months. There shouldn't be any assumption or let-down if she's not invited. It's overly sensitive to assume malice or apathy.

 

And while I know plenty of women who are very much like me and other guys, where I will throw a couple dollars toward Kat regarding the gendered aspect is I highly doubt if a guy were on here complaining about a woman pretty much doing everything right when it comes to making sure she and he sit across the table from one another and get to know each other just happening not to be the biggest inter-date conversationalist, we'd be slamming her with 10 kinds of scrutiny. Call it a hunch, but I'd put a few grand on us telling him, "Hey guy, text her when you want to. Don't when you don't." And that's nothing but fair.

 

Regardless, while FIO and I may be coming at it from slightly different angles, I am and since the beginning have been in complete agreement that the shoe quite simply does not fit, and that it's best to stop trying to jam it on. You don't have to make assumptions about his priorities or his character. If whatever's going on has you on here participating in 40-page threads, regardless of whose insecurity or behavior is driving it, you have to know that it ain't worth it. It could be that you need to find a guy who meets your standards for communication. It could be that some day you stop caring about what the guy does with his thumbs and instead focus entirely on the time you have together. I don't know. But it doesn't change the fact that right now, this guy isn't your guy.

[mustlovedogs]

Then what the &**#^@%@$ are you complaining about!!!

 

I cant.

 

Im out.

 

I really and truly do wish you luck Lex.

 

Agreed - Lex, this is either “you’re too insecure” or “we aren’t compatible” or “he’s not that into you”

 

Each assessment has merit. YOU have to decide what the answer is.

 

Based on Bat’s post and your response, you seem stuck on saying it’s a you issue.

 

So stop coming here to complain. Come here to seek advice to quell your insecurity. Take steps to improve instead of complain.

 

Multiple dozens of posts have been made all saying the same thing - now do, instead of say.

[katrina1980]

@ fio, I didn't mean to suggest that it's all in her head or that I believe things will eventually work out.

 

What I am suggesting is that she enjoy the RL and what he does give her (which from what she just described is plenty), for what it is, and let it play out and lead to wherever it's meant to lead, which may be somewhere or nowhere, it's still very early stages in the grand scheme.

 

That said, I do agree that three months in, it's reasonable to expect that a man have some idea of what he envisions moving forward and that she should discuss with him, which she has NOT.

 

And lastly, I have been posting pretty much ad nauseum that if she cannot accept him for who he is, then she should walk! I'm not quite sure how you could have missed that (maybe you didn't), it's been the main gist of my posts pretty much.

 

I am a half glass full person so have been seeing all this from that aspect, however, it's quite possible it may not work out, and in order to move forward, Lex should be okay with that happening too, there are never any guarantees about relationships, love, life, never ever.

 

She should never allow him to think she is afraid of losing him, kiss of death!

[Lex00]

Then what the &**#^@%@$ are you complaining about!!!

 

I cant.

 

Im out.

 

I really and truly do wish you luck Lex.

 

The frequency!!! Or lack thereof. That’s what I’m complaining about.

 

I was only referring a post from Batya earlier when she said he wasn’t interested in trading stories with me.

[Lex00]

I truly appreciate the time you all took to try and knock some sense into me. I understand he’s not right for me and it’s something I’ll have to accept. Will let him go and I’ll start working on my insecurities so I won’t be so anxious next time.

[katrina1980]

Okay Lex, fair enough, let us know what happens once you "let him go."

 

Just a hunch but I don't think it's gonna end, it will certainly rock the boat, elicit a discussion (finally) and you may gain some reassurance for your efforts, which may be your intent for wanting to let him go in the first place (you wouldn't be the first woman to end a RL for this reason), only you know what your motivation is behind your decision.

 

He may also simply accept it and wish you well, the end, and you need to be prepared for that too.

[catfeeder]

And actually, he DOES care about hearing about my day and the things I do. He texts me asking me about it. I do get phone calls from him as well, just because I did not mention it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. And he does ask about things. He tells me about his family, the issues he’s having, he shares photos all the time of his kids. A few days ago, he was baking with them and sent me photos of it and told me the next time he saw me, which was originally planned for this weekend, that he would have some goodies for me. So it’s not all as bad as it is. I just wanted more communication, that’s all, a little more motivation. And for some people, his level of motivation might be just fine.

 

Glad you're giving weight to your own experiences. We're a bunch of random strangers who know LESS about the guy than you do. Decide when you post whether the feedback you want is to feed your most critical, insecure voice, or whether you want support in learning how to manage your anxiety while exploring a new thing with a guy who you're really into and who treats you well.

 

Then ask for what you want from us, AND recognize that there will always be dissenting voices that can only sabotage your goal if you allow those to sway your focus. You can back-burner those to reread should you ever wish to drill yourself into that place even while you otherwise select the feedback that is most helpful to you--and dwell there.

 

You mention being more resilient and secure when you were younger, and maybe that's because you had not yet formed habits of reflexively setting up expectations according to prior relationships. You hadn't been burned yet, but there's no time like the present to reestablish what having been burned since MUST teach you about protecting yourself going forward.

 

Projecting old pain onto new experiences is not self protective, just the opposite. It multiplies the number of times you keep suffering pain in anticipation of more pain. That's not protective, it's misery. It's self sabotage that has you reacting to imagined hurts and responding to those as though someone else is causing them.

 

This is the stuff 'we' as observers can call out to you, but we can't fix it for you. Telling you to get over that isn't helpful. Suggesting that you consider hiring a therapist who's trained in helping people to overcome this stuff is about the best we can do, but I can say this: most people have no trouble hiring professional trades like mechanics and plumbers or tax preparers to help us with practical aspects of our lives. But what could be more practical than your quality of life and your ability to enjoy the people in it?

 

If you believe that this guy is fabulous enough to invest in learning whether great simpatico may grow from otherwise great dating, then why not allow this experience to prompt you to resolve whatever self sabotage may be causing you turmoil and misery about him? If the payoff becomes a great relationship with him, then terrific. If not, then you'll have support in place to best handle the fallout from that even while you resolve the self sabotage on time for the next great guy.

 

Either way, it's a win/win.

 

Head high, and I, for one, am in your corner and hope to see you learn how to enjOy your experiences.

[Wiseman2]

Did he mention New Years Eve or New Years Day? When is the next time you are both free to see each other? Are there any special plans on the horizon or is there the unspoken understanding about seeing each other on child-free Saturdays?

 

Have you asked him about the New Year's holidays and the weekends surrounding those? Is there a change in your or his custody arrangement with regard to holidays? Do your child-free times line up with regard to the holidays/weekends? Are either you or he very busy with family/visitors/parties etc?

 

Does he think things are going well? Will your breakup text come out of left field? Are you hoping the breakup text could be a wake-up call that he text and engage more?

I have to figure out how to voice my concerns to him and tell him I’m done. Because regardless of what some posters think, that he doesn’t give a crap about me, I do believe he does to an extent, and he will wonder.

[Eliza50]

it was originally going to be a bunch of his buddies, some of their wives, kids, etc. So it wasn’t his family, that’s why I was surprised he mentioned it to me but I wasn’t invited. We were only seeing each other just a bit over 2 months at the time he mentioned it to me.

 

Has he met any of your friends? Have you ever suggested going out with other people? Have you ever invited him to a gathering?

 

I usually introduce my SO to my friends long after 3 months of dating (with the exception of one case where the guy was already a part of my circle of friends). Perhaps he's like that, too, and he thinks that you are the same.

 

Just an idea.

[Batya33]

Then what the &**#^@%@$ are you complaining about!!!

 

I cant.

 

Im out.

 

I really and truly do wish you luck Lex.

 

Same here. Lex - I am of reasonable intelligence and thought I read your posts and your complaints. But yes I agree with FIO because it's too much of a moving target. Either I'm misunderstanding, you're justifying his behavior/twisting yourself in a pretzel or some combo but in any event I can't give input in that situation -it's silly and irrelevant.

 

And yes Jman -in general I think it's rude to tell a friend or someone you are dating about a party you're planning that includes friends that you are not inviting that person to even though you could - if there was no way you couldn't (geography, kids will be there, long planned since before you met and there's a head count issue, etc -fine -then you make it clear to the person you're talking to about the event). He planned the party, told her about it and excluded her. It's not some social event he had no control over. And he didn't tell her anything like "wish you could be there" or "I'm not ready for you to meet my friends but I have potlucks a few times a year so next time, ok?"

 

And Lex in general I think a breakup text is completely uncalled for in this situation. He's done nothing wrong other than been rude about the party. At this point I'm not sure what he's done right or wrong or neutral given the moving target issue.

[Batya33]

Batya, I get what you’re saying, but it seems like I’m all your responses, you intentionally are putting me down and beating it into my head that this guy thinks so low of me- that yes, he’ll see me once a week but doesn’t see me worthy, not into me, doesn’t want to call me, essentially saying it doesn’t give him “pleasure” to contact me, not motivated to see me, etc. Not sure why it gives you so much pleasure to keep putting me down here but I’m already feeling down. There are other factors to consider here, and I haven’t gotten into all of the details of our “relationship”, but I will at least say, I know he doesn’t see me as low as you think he does. You don’t really know how he acts when he’s with me, sometimes when he’s not with me. I’ve only included the negatives here because that’s what I’m trying to get advice/thoughts about.

 

And actually, he DOES care about hearing about my day and the things I do. He texts me asking me about it. I do get phone calls from him as well, just because I did not mention it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. And he does ask about things. He tells me about his family, the issues he’s having, he shares photos all the time of his kids. A few days ago, he was baking with them and sent me photos of it and told me the next time he saw me, which was originally planned for this weekend, that he would have some goodies for me. So it’s not all as bad as it is. I just wanted more communication, that’s all, a little more motivation. And for some people, his level of motivation might be just fine.

 

And no nothing of the sort. I think he thinks highly of you as a weekend date and he enjoys hanging out with you and he enjoys you romantically. See my moving target post -scratching my head at your now sharing about his texts and phone calls when apparently that was the problem you have. Really confusing.

 

Of course for some his level of motivation might be fine or perfect. I was in a relationship like that (but I don't have sex in that situation), so was one of my best friends for years- worked perfectly for them. Katrina posted about her brother's relationship -worked perfectly for them. And now that you describe it this way as just needing a "little more" communication (which is not what you wrote you told him you needed - and you were so happy he amped it up a lot -according to you- short term).

 

If he is calling and texting you that much as you now write - and it is not enough for you - that is your perogative. I have no different opinion of how highly he regards you. I never thought he regarded you lowly. I have different levels of interaction with friends ,close friends, my husband, my son, acquaintances and most typically it has nothing to do with my level of respect but rather with our level of closeness. I respect and think highly of many people I know whether or not we are personally close. I'm sure he feels the same about you. Closeness/intimacy/wanting to be in a committed relationship is a separate matter. He may not want that despite thinking highly of you.

 

If a little more communication is all you need and if that is not there then yes I agree end it - you two are not compatible. Same exact result. I am suspicious of the moving target issue although of course it could just be my misunderstanding of your posts.

[Sportster2005]

Since then, he has really stepped up, reaching out every day, and of course this made me feel confident enough that I could be the one to reach out as well.

 

 

If you have to cajole, beg, or remind someone to communicate with you, it's not worth it. This pattern isn't sustainable. Find a better match.