Hubby sexual past

Recently during conversation, I found out explicit details of my husbands sexual past. Although it was interesting, I was also listening to him explain details with a huge pit in my stomach. I never knew my husband was that sexual. I also felt hurt since sex has always been an issue in our marriage. It's very far few and in between and it's just ok. We are in our forties and have only been married for 3 years. I just always assumed, he wasnt a very sexual person. I should also explain, he is now extremely overweight, which he uses as a crutch for the reason why we dont have sex often. My question is...is it normal to feel a tad sad inside that we are not sexual and also I feel funny that I never knew my husband was sexual in younger years. I would've bet my money on him just not being a very sexual man. I need advice before I lose anymore sleep on this.

Why was he going on about explicit details of past lovers when you two don’t have a sex life? I find that extremely insensitive on his part. I think you need to tell him to stop focusing on his past lovers and pay more attention to you.

I asked him what the younger version of himself was as a boyfriend compared to being a husband. Oh my, he answered a lot more than I expected .

Ugh—sorry about this. Generally speaking, this is just not cool.

But for some peace of mind: somewhere underneath all that talk, like right below those needling details, is someone who is very insecure. That's basically what bragging is, you know? A sly—and never cool—means of voicing insecurities in a way that creates the illusion of security. The problem is that insecurity is kind of contagious when not voiced in a healthy way, so now you've kind of caught the bug. Not saying he intentionally tried to cause you wobbles, but he's wobbly on the inside and is seeking the shortcut to "comfort" by creating wobbles in you.

I know it sucks. But try to remember that under that is a guy saying, "I wish I wasn't overweight, wish I could better please my wife—could please you—and am deeply afraid to say that out loud because I have no idea how to get out of this rut I'm in."

This is a newish marriage. I think this is a good moment to address this issue head on, with a gentle hand. It's a tough one, as men can get especially jittery when, well, their manhood is called into question. But he kind of opened the can, you know? Doesn't mean to be aggressive, or passive aggressive, but to simply voice how this made you feel.

I asked him what the younger version of himself was as a boyfriend compared to being a husband. Oh my, he answered a lot more than I expected .

Per my above post, do you think part of you was asking this because you're not so happy with the husband version?

Yes, that's correct. We both always agree that the only thing bad in our marriage is our sex life. So I always wondered, is it me? Then I convinced myself that he just wasnt as sexual as myself. So I did ask not really expecting to get sexual answers and I certainly did. I think as we started remembering more, he started going on and on. I was shocked and intrigued yet a but hurt.

What was he like sexually prior to you two marrying? Were you more sexual prior to getting married?

I think it's completely normal to feel sad if your sexual needs are not being met. Sex is a normal and healthy part of a relationship and we all want to feel desired by our partner.

However, now that you know your husband's sexual past, it sounds like you're comparing what he was like in the past, to the way he is now, and you're taking it personally.

I also think it's normal for both men and women to have more sexual energy (and to be more sexual in general) when they're younger. For some of us, as time goes on, we remain highly sexual, and for others our sexual appetite dwindles.

I can't say that your husband using his excessive weight gain as a reason he's not sexually interested is a "crutch". I think it's normal for a lot of people who are experiencing self-esteem issues to feel very unattractive and self-conscious and it therefore it creates self-doubt and they wonder if they can satisfy their partner because they don't consider themselves sexy or attractive.

I know when I'm feeling attractive, I'm more in the mood and confident that I can satisfy my partner. If I'm feeling unattractive, I doubt my ability and really don't want my partner to see me in my birthday suit (out of fear that it may turn them off as opposed to on).

So I can see your husband's weight gain affecting his sexual appetite, but is he doing anything about it? Is he exercising, watching what he's eating?

Is he doing anything to resolve this issue in your relationship?

I absolutely would love the other side of him that I never met.

No, he continues to eat a very unhealthy diet. He said the first time having sex with me was terrible for him since it was his first time making love big. Yet, it's been 8 years and hasn't changed.

I sadly stopped giving him oral sex because he would not pleasured me back or we wouldn't have sex for weeks after

I might be out of bounds here, but I can't help but struggle when I hear couples, married or not, talk about how the "only" thing off with their coupledom is their sex life. It's kind of the inverse of people who say everything is off but the sex, you know? In both cases an important component of intimacy is missing.

Sex is an awesome thing to explore, and maybe this is the moment when you explore that a little more, as underneath this what I'm hearing is two people who wouldn't mind a little more spice in that department—and who, history shows, are both capable and willing.

You were essentially trying to have a real talk, but you went at it sideways. On some level he knew what you were getting at—that sore little spot between all your love—and he got defensive in an insensitive way. He peacock'ed. Without knowing it, I think he very much wanted to get you off guard, and he succeeded. Meanwhile, those sex issues? Still there, still unresolved.

Again, not putting the blame on you. Being a doofus is being a doofus, and that's what he did. Which, yeah, people do, especially when uncomfortable. So as the shock and hurt fades, and it will, focus on that "intrigue" part. That's where the real gems are, the ones you're both curious about, you know?

Thank you, and yes I understand.

Not to be graphic—but, hey, here we are in an anonymous forum about sex—but have you asked him to return the favor, orally?

I don't know. Me, I don't do anything to a woman hoping for something specific back. I do what I like most, which in my case generally just means exploring someone, trying to understand their body, getting a little lost and found together. But as romantic as that sounds, I'm also (or used to be) a little skittish surrendering to another or asking someone to do something. But then I realized: wait a second—I love when someone offers me a little guidance, so why am I so scared to ask for a little x or y?

It's vulnerable! It's hot! And it's where you take that initial thing—chemistry—and turn it into an ongoing experiment.

Another question: I take it you want to be having more sex than you are. Do you want it to be with him? I'm not asking about affairs—you're posting here because you love your husband and are committed to him—but are you still attracted to him?

Yes, that's correct. We both always agree that the only thing bad in our marriage is our sex life. So I always wondered, is it me? Then I convinced myself that he just wasnt as sexual as myself. So I did ask not really expecting to get sexual answers and I certainly did. I think as we started remembering more, he started going on and on. I was shocked and intrigued yet a but hurt.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, TiffRey. But please know that this is not something you should be associating with yourself and your attractiveness. This issue is your husband's, and if he wants a more active sex life and to make YOU happy as his wife, he should be making an effort to better himself.

Does he know how you feel?

I sadly stopped giving him oral sex because he would not pleasured me back or we wouldn't have sex for weeks after

It sounds like he's being lazy and selfish, to be honest. He doesn't want to engage in sex because he's overweight, yet he's willing to accept oral sex from you and not return the favour?

Just...wow.

Sorry if I'm repeating myself here TiffRey, but does he know how you feel? Does he know you want to improve your sex life?

Wow what did you say when he told you all this ?!

It sounds like he's being lazy and selfish, to be honest. He doesn't want to engage in sex because he's overweight, yet he's willing to accept oral sex from you and not return the favour?

 

Just...wow.

I am not surprised by this at all. Especially if the reason he doesn't have sex often is because he's overweight. Not that women don't work during sex, and some even love being on top, but sex is typically much more cardio for men. Almost every man I know enjoys blow jobs, and that is in part because they don't have to huff and puff for the pleasure. I can see why she has stopped giving oral out, though, if his willingness for sex is so low.

TiffRey, my guess is he has a low sex drive because he's in his 40's. Not every man slows down just because he gets older, but a significant percentage of men do. My question is, did you go into the marriage when he was already overweight and showing these sexual patterns? I hate to say it, but forever is supposed to be forever, regardless of these factors (not that most people subscribe to the notion these days). My opinion is that as your husband, he has an obligation to work on the sexual issues with you, which requires open communication. Keep talking about the matter and be open about your true thoughts and feelings in a compassionate manner.

I am not surprised by this at all. Especially if the reason he doesn't have sex often is because he's overweight. Not that women don't work during sex, and some even love being on top, but sex is typically much more cardio for men. Almost every man I know enjoys blow jobs, and that is in part because they don't have to huff and puff for the pleasure. I can see why she has stopped giving oral out, though, if his willingness for sex is so low.

I mentioned in one of my previous posts on here that I can understand how his weight has impacted his wanting to have sex and I get that most men love oral sex, but what I don't understand is the imbalance between his willingness to take, and his unwillingness to give.

They don't have sex due to him being overweight, and he isn't willing to please his wife orally. His wife is getting the crappy end of the stick here. He isn't making any effort to satisfy her to the extent that she needs. It just seems like it's all take and no give on his end.

OP. was he this selfish before you married?

Yeah, I'm wondering why you married him? Sex was not part of the equation?

Also, Milly is hitting a lot of the issues. Your husband's weight has caused him to lose self-esteem, and the extra blubber causes him a lot of exertion. Have you tried telling him he's still attractive to you? Have you tried getting on top so he doesn't have to work too hard? Can he keep an erection? High pressure can be an issue, for example. Can you seduce him? A lot of sex happens in the mind. Try exaggerating your groaning during sex. I can tell you that when you're older, sex is difficult if your partner is just laying there being quiet during it. (As a teenager, most guys only need to see a naked girl.) Maybe he needs a little Viagra. Try giving him him more encouragement.

OP, at the risk of sounding insensitive - how can be sure that his tales of sexual exploits are even true?

While he may have been some unstoppable Casanova, there is also the possibility that he is exaggerating or fabricating some parts to puff himself up and make himself feel better.

I think I would tell him that you and he should engage in healthier living and you want to make it a couple effort. And then actually do it. Workouts and healthy eating....make it fun and I bet the rest will follow.:pchi

He is in his 40s, morbidly obese and that in itself is a huge health concern. Does he go to doctors? He most likely has some degree of ED and surely poor activity tolerance.

Any boasting about his sexual past is of course compensating for his age, as well as his physical and sexual deterioration.

Why would you wonder why he has significant sexual and physical issues and make it about your desirability? At his age and in his condition he is more likely to develop diabetes, hypertension, significant joint dysfunction and cardiovascular disease than be able to function sexually. And you are worried about his bragging and your attractiveness as the problem?

the only thing bad in our marriage is our sex life. So I always wondered, is it me?

You need to be more concerned about his health rather than how much sex you have. He is a ticking time bomb for serious health issues!

I hope as his partner you're encouraging him to do everything possible to lose the weight and trying to make him healthy meals.

It's not sex you should be worried about losing, it's your husband. That's serious and unless the weight comes off, he could very well end up 6 feet under.

I think it was tactless and kind of mean on his part and a bit foolish of you to ask. Why did you ask? He should have asked you why you wanted to know and probably discussed instead your present sex life and any issue.

My husband and I are iour 50s but dated in our late 20s/early 30s and again late30s and early 40s before marrying. We had a very active sex life both those times. We had less once we became parents shortly after marrying. Logistics. And sleep deprivation.

Also do you feel desired? I do and he does even when we’re not sexual. So here’s my suggestion - focus on the present and get back to cuddling and kissing and being affectionate with no end goal. It doesn’t matter if he’s not a very sexual person right now. Work it up to that level slowly.

And yes if you feel resentful and angry about how he expressed his past and if you feel he’s avoiding you and emotionally eating instead it really would be worth the effort in my opinion to find a marriage cosunselor. And also see if he’ll take a brisk walk with you or maybe even dance lessons. I’m sorry he acted in such a thoughtless way.