Other guys messaging my GF

A few months ago my girlfriend showed me a whatsapp message from some guy who apparently "accidentally" sent her a D**k pic.....she said she didn't know him and his number wasn't saved in her phone.....the messages basically said he was sorry and didn't mean too to which she said that's ok as she didn't download the image anyway, then he still tried he luck asking what she thought of it!! (personally i think there is no such thing as accidentally sending a pic like that as you have to take the pic, then chose who to send it to, then confirm you want to send)

Now that's fine i guess as she told me and we both had a laugh about it!

Anyway in the months that followed there were a few times she would leave her phone out or be showing me something and a message would come through on the preview, from the same guy (i recognized the display pic) but i didn't say anything. Since then i got a bit curious and broke the privacy rule (yes I'm a terrible person), I looked at her phone whilst she was doing something and found that this guy is still messaging her...now asking for pics of her and telling her he's got morning wood etc.....she doesn't appear to be responding much but she has sent him a couple of selfies (clothed) or said she couldn't as people where about (which to me means you have before or wanted too).... What i don't understand why she hasn't blocked him or told him to back the hell off as shes not single.

The other weekend i looked at her phone again and saw another guy is doing the same thing on facebook and she's also sent him a selfie (clothed)....i also saw a message which mentioned she had good boobs with the typical purple veg emoji, i had to put the phone down quick so not sure what was mentioned or sent before that!

All in all she doesn't seem to be responding much to these guys but she could be deleting certain messages or pics...who knows, but why would they keep messaging if she's not responding! Obviously i can't bring it up as i shouldn't really be looking, but i do want to find out if she is or at least ask why the hell she isn't blocking them or telling them to back off - but i can't unless a message comes up when she is showing me something!

I trust her to some degree as she is not the type of girl to cheat (I don't think) but i don't want to have this cloud over me that she is sending other guys sexual pics......Do i just forget about it or do i keep looking every now and then until i can find out, if i ever find out?????

Personally, I think you should break up with her as she is behaving in untrustworthy ways. It’s maddening to try to trust someone who can’t be trusted.

But if you aren’t ready for that, at minimum you should confront her on encouraging these guys.

Having been on the receiving end of this numerous times, with this type of guy, ANY response (even a negative one) is a positive one to them and just encourages them to keep going. Sending them a selfie (clothed or not) is practically asking them to continue. They are more than happy to hammer away at things - even for years - out of boredom or whatever, and if something eventually comes of it - hey! They got what they were after.

It’s not cool to string people along or have backup plans while in a relationship, IMO.

That’s what she’s doing. She may not plan to cheat, but she’s at minimum stringing them along and encouraging them for the ego boost.

Yikes, what kind of girl is this that she is giving out the vibes to these guys to be sending provocative and sexual pics and messages like this? Guys don't do that without some sort of encouragement.

I'd be wondering about her more than anything else. She is obviously giving them impression that she's not minding those kind of pics or messages. On top of it, she's not deleting them.

Something is up, at the very least, she's not as innocent as you might think. She seems to be enjoying the attention and doesn't want it to stop.

I would dump her, who wants an attention w**** who can't be respectful to their own boyfriend?

At this stage I'm not angry or anything just miffed as to why they are not ending up on the block list and curious to see if she is getting tempted by them or reacting! I can honestly say that she is a really nice person, never rude and can be a push over for some people, i often tell her she is too nice in situations where you need to have some fire in you, so it could be down to that as to why she hasn't told them to back off abruptly!

I fully agree sending a selfie is basically asking for more of it though and encouraging it!

I guess I'll pull her up on it once i have something substantial to start that conversation or i find something - no point having an argument or breaking up over potentially nothing and making myself look stupid that I've looked through her phone even though i had reason too

She sounds like an attention seeker and isn't trust worthy at all! I'd break up with her or trust me, you'll regret staying with her.

You're not angry? What kind of girl sends selfies to other guys when she's got a bf? She obviously doesn't have much respect for you if she's flaunting herself to other men.

Or maybe you've got low self esteem and don't realize that decent women don't behave this way nor should you be okay with it?

You're not angry? What kind of girl sends selfies to other guys when she's got a bf? She obviously doesn't have much respect for you if she's flaunting herself to other men.

 

Or maybe you've got low self esteem and don't realize that decent women don't behave this way nor should you be okay with it?

Well no, I'm too easy going as a person to be angry at this stage..theres a time and a place for that as i know what kind of girl she is....I'm just curious at the moment as its unexpected behavior! I certainly don't have low self esteem and know how people should act......i also know not everyone acts in the same way as we expect in life or do things they think are ok when they are not....i can't just pick an argument with no solid evidence of any wrong doing especially as i would be in the wrong for looking at her phone if i am wrong.

She's replying guys and sending selfies - that's wrong and disrespectful.

You're being a doormat right now.

Since you're unwilling to break it off at this point, what you could do is discuss your relationship boundaries and ask her if she's on the same page. If she says yes, let her know that if the boundaries are crossed, that you would be ending things. And just as the evidence stared you in the face the first time it happened, you don't have to, or shouldn't search behind her back. You will eventually see the evidence again, if she crosses boundaries, without snooping and that will tell you she values ego boosts rather than honoring her primary relationship.

It's better to choose someone you don't want to change versus expecting/hoping someone will change, which often doesn't happen. They have the right to be who they are, but you also have the right to say it's not working for you, and walk away.

I don't think i will initiate that conversation as that may cause her to be extra sneaky and delete whole convos....I'm probably better off to wait until i see something again, then ask her to explain or show me, if i see something though...then it will be out the door for her!

Well....I don't know what to say to you OP. The evidence is staring you in the face, but you are still completely in denial about what's going on.

No, those guys aren't contacting her just totally randomly and without any encouragement from her. How would they even get her number or any contact info without her giving it to them. She is also sending them selfies. At best, she is enjoying the cyber attention. At worst, she is lining up the next guy and she'll either dump you first or simply cheat on you. Personally, I'd consider what she is doing already cheating and wouldn't wait around for more. You seem to want to bury your head in the sand and pretend this is all OK and not happening. Not sure why.

So, I agree with the above poster that it's high time for you to sit and have a serious conversation with her about boundaries and what is and isn't acceptable. Either she is on board or she will carry on with whatever and then you need to find the will to walk away and stop lying to yourself that she is just sooo sweet and innocent. She is a lot of things, but innocent isn't one of them. Sorry.

I don't think i will initiate that conversation as that may cause her to be extra sneaky and delete whole convos....I'm probably better off to wait until i see something again, then ask her to explain or show me, if i see something though...then it will be out the door for her!

.... She is already being sneaky. Who knows what she has already sent and / or deleted...you do realize that you can delete individual texts and comments, you don't have to delete the whole thread?

The sooner you have a conversation with her about this the better... waiting isn't going to make it go away.

I don't think i will initiate that conversation as that may cause her to be extra sneaky and delete whole convos....I'm probably better off to wait until i see something again, then ask her to explain or show me, if i see something though...then it will be out the door for her!

But why wait if you have the information you need to question her now, lenovo?

Agree with the others that she seems to like the attention from these guys, otherwise she wouldn’t be sending them selfies. She’s only encouraging these guys to message her when she sends the pics.

My heads not buried in the sand, its about handling the situation appropriately without jumping the gun, to end it based on a cpl of selfies would be like accusing someone of murder just because they own a knife rather than if they actually used it.... The guys who are messaging her are people she knew before we met so we are talking old classmates or guys she gave her number too when online dating.

I know these guys are just bored and lonely so trying their luck, but like i said, without seeing something more substantial in terms of what she is messaging them, if anything, its a pointless convo to bring up as all I've seen so far is two selfies and basically one word responses.....I'm not too bothered about a clothed selfie, it's if there is anything further.......then we have an issue!

So this is all pretty simple.

Best case scenario: your gf is an attention-seeker, a bit of a reckless flirt, as she clearly enjoys this sort of thing and feeds it with selfies. Maybe this is her way of feeling a little free, a little independent. And maybe, to some degree, her showing the first pic was her way of trying to establish this as a boundary that was okay. Something you could both laugh about, as you did, which confirmed for her that it's "okay," an acceptable boundary for both of you.

Thing is, I don't think it's quite acceptable for you, at least not in the way its going down. You're no longer in the loop—she's not showing you the exchanges—and that doesn't feel good. You're snooping through her phone, feeling anxious, posting on here to feel less anxious.

So really own that for a second, rather than go into articulate, rationalizing mode who understands these lonely men and the kind of girl she is. Sure, you understand all that. But also, you don't like this, you don't feel good. And that's okay. Doesn't mean you're a square or that your gf is a monster—just means you're not vibing on this, and that something needs to change.

What's your ideal here? That she blocks these dudes completely, stops this? Or that she is more open about it, can talk to you about it as a silly means of attention, so you're not on the outside but can share in her little games?

I'm far from a square myself, and have boundaries in relationships that probably don't align with the majority of people here. I've allowed for this sort of thing, especially early on, but the thing is that it's something my partner and I share rather than do behind our backs. We own that we have a little reckless side and create a safe space to explore it. What I find is often by creating that space the whole thing just becomes lame, you appreciate each other more, and you quickly close off the outside noise and just start pouring all that heat-seeking energy into the other person.

It kind of sounds like that's what you want, but you want it to magically just happen without a single uncomfortable conversation. But without that single uncomfortable conversation, you're just going to keep spinning around, hoping she changes, while quietly becoming more insecure and more anxious, to the point where if she did actually change on her own it may not register and/or bring comfort because you've grown accustomed to being anxious.

lenovo...I have to wonder what your point was in posting this thread, while you continue to defend/make excuses, etc, for her behaviour?

Keep in mind that denial is only a temporary fix...

How long have you been dating? Do you have whatsapp? He is in her contacts, which she uploaded from somewhere.. Otherwise he couldn't send her messages. She's clearly sexting with this guy. And heavily flirting with other guys on social media. Why play these cat and mouse games. She doesn't seem serious about dating, so make some decisions.

"accidentally" sent her a D**k pic. asking what she thought of it. message would come through on the preview, from the same guy.What i don't understand why she hasn't blocked him.

First off it was no accident that guy sent a pic to your gf. He got her number somehow just like the other guys.

There are all kinds of guys cruising social media sending out messages, friend requests and on and on trying to get a woman's attention. Many of the women on this forum can attest to that but what they do when they receive the contact is important. Your gf has encouraged guys that want in her pants to keep contacting her. It is no different than her being out having a drink with a gf and encouraging some guy that is hitting on her. I bet if you saw your gf encouraging some guy in real life you would have a problem with it right then and there but since it is electronic it seems like less of a thing. BIG MISTAKE!

We see it here all the time where contact is made on social media and then talks get longer and longer and before you know it lies are told and it goes from just talk to something worse.

Get some more solid evidence and then let her know you think it is disrespectful to you and OUR relationship for her to continue talking to these men. If she comes clean and is truly sorry then ask her what she intends to do to make it right and have a concid conversation about boundaries and expectations in the relationship. If she deflects and tries to put it back on you or makes light of the contact then end it.

Lost

whatsapp is literally made for cheating. ask her to delete it. boundaries

Deleting WhatsApp won't stop her flirting on other apps and fb. That's no solution, she's just not gf material.

Lol...forcing someone to delete whatsapp won't make them a better person or a more trust worthy person, they either are or aren't.

Loyalty comes from within, not whats around them. Some people can have loads of temptations and will not act on it due to not only being a loyal partner but also because they genuinely love their partner.

The guys who are messaging her are people she knew before we met so we are talking old classmates or guys she gave her number too when online dating

You said they were guys she knew before she started dating you? So for all you know she could have been dating them too?

If so, then they have probably done the deed, and the morning wood comments & the d**k pics have been done before.

If this is the case then they arent just some random guys who have sent her random messages. These are guys she knows.....and this makes it far worse & very personal.

If she is in a committed relationship with you she should have blocked these guys from contacting her

I don't believe i have anything to worry about, i managed to get a long time to read more of and into the messages, sure she isn't blocking them, but, she has backed them all off telling them she has a bf, not entertaining any of their lewd comments and telling them to do one! The convos all flow fine so nothings been deleted.....and its basically them sending messages and her not engaging.

I'm not fussed on who she spoken to or dated before we became official as that's none of my concern. We live in a social world and guys can slide into DMs easily or try to pick up on numbers they've got in the past - It's the same as being hit on in a pub/club but it's how someone handles it!

I think the next time i'm with her an i see a random number send a message (as she is more than happy to have the phone unlocked in front of me or sit looking at something on the phone for quite some time) I'll ask who they are and I'll tell her if they are being pervs i want them blocked!

Telling someone to rearrange/delete apps on their devices is controlling and complete nonsense. Whatsapp is for wifi messaging particularly to avoid exorbitant international fees on talk/text. Anyone who needs to communicate internationally has whatsapp. Anyone can cheat on any social media or messaging platform or in person. Apps do not make people cheat.

whatsapp is literally made for cheating.

Instead of waiting until the next guy sends a lewd message or a pic why don't you sit down with her and have a boundaries talk. Discuss what you think proper boundaries are in a relationship and ask her what she thinks proper boundaries are so you both know what each others expectations are going forward.

She clearly likes the attention which will be the death of this relationship unless you talk about this.

Lost