Am I insecure regarding my wife's popularity?

My wife loves cosplay. She goes to festivals and conventions and has a respectable following. I don't like going, because it's hard to watch all these other guys leer, hug, kiss and flirt with my wife, and when I don't go I imagine all the fun she is having without me. She gets upset if I appear angry, but it's hard. Is it my own insecurity that causes me to feel this way? Two years ago she met a younger man, they had a couple months where they hung out and we separated for a time as she fell in love with him and wanted to see if she could be happier with him. Right after we separated, he stopped talking to her and pretty much ignored her since. I don't think I've forgiven her for falling in love with someone else, nor have I forgiven myself for not fighting harder to keep her. I thought if I wasn't making her happy she deserved to find someone who would, so I basically pushed her away. Now she says she only wants me, and all the guys at the festival and conventions mean nothing, but they constantly message her on Facebook and comment on her pictures. She doesn't hide anything from me (that I know of) but I don't really want to read all the gushing, flattering things they write.

 

It seems like they disrespect me...flirting with my wife right in front of me. And I feel like I can't do anything about it because my wife loves the festivals and conventions and gets upset if I appear angry...any advice?

She is a cheater and an attention seeker. How does this make a suitable partner?

 

Most men would not tolerate this nonsense. You should have been gone after she cheated on you. It will happen again.

Well, in cosplay, they're not flirting with her, they're flirting with the character. What you need to do is get a costume and go as a couple so you can enjoy the convention together. I'm sure your wife would prefer you to be there and having fun rather than sitting at home being grumpy worrying about her cheating on you. Or if you don't want to get into costume, you could go with her and hand out business cards, autographed pictures and so forth. And you could help her establish a social media presence by getting an Instagram page up, Facebook, etc. You could take pictures of her to post on Twitter and basically be her manager. People like to take pictures with cosplay people and you could do that too. If your wife gets popular, you can start charging for pictures and selfies with people.

 

This is something fun that you can do as a couple. Just figure out a way to support your wife and get into the spirit of things!

I think you have reason for jealousy because she actually DID cheat on you, so i don't think you are the unreasonable husband. was it someone she met at a convention?

I think that if I were in your shoes, I'd have a problem with this. I don't think you are being insecure.

What to do about it is a whole different issue. This situation isn't likely to go away any time soon.

If it were just the cosplay thing, with people flirting with her and giving her all this attention, I would say man up and let her have her fun as long as you trust her BUT I would not think it out of line or overly insecure to ask her to make it clear to all her fans that she is with you, in love with you, etc. If it were me doing the cosplay thing and getting all that attention and messages I would try to make a public profile that clearly shows that I'm in a relationship, maybe drop messages here and there about how much I love my man and how lucky I am to have him, etc.

 

Does she flirt back, though, that's what I want to know? When people play a character like this in the public, they need to set clear boundaries about how much they will let in fans and how they will behave. Posing for cutesy pictures with fans would be fine, but not sending back and forth private messages or personal flirting out of what her cosplay character would do. It's acting, right? If she were acting in a play and had to pretend to be flirting with a bunch of guys, would you hold that against her?

 

And there is nothing inherently morally wrong with someone enjoying attention and role playing. Sure, maybe it's not the most noble of hobbies but, like I said, it's all about her boundaries.

 

That's all generally speaking, however, and what you have on your hands is a slightly different situation in that she has NOT proven her loyalty and devotion to you. Sure, she SAYS you're all she wants but she hasn't shown that in her actions. I don't think you're being irrationally insecure at all here, and I think that she needs to prove her devotion to you a little by maybe pulling back a bit from the cosplay scene, maybe being more standoffish toward fans, laying it on thick that she's in a relationship. If that means sacrificing attention from fans, then so be it. I mean, this is not her job or her livelihood, correct? She should be willing to sacrifice a little of this, to show her devotion to you. That's my 2-cents, anyway.

 

She fell in love with someone else and left you for him for a while, then came back when he dumped her. I don't know if a relationship can fully come back from that, TBH. That's a pretty big betrayal.

I think you should tell her that if she means what she says about wanting you and only you, then she needs to prove it and work to regain your trust. If she won't do that then she's not invested in this relationship, and she'd be showing you that attention from cosplay fans is more important than you.

Cosplay? *roll eyes* That's reason enough to question her. That to me spells immature, big time. That stuff should be left for teenagers in my opinion. If a grown ass woman is wanting to dress up and act a fool, then something upstairs ain't right.

 

However, you've got a reason to question how she behaves with other men no matter where she is. She has already proven herself to take things too far and to become too intimate with other men.

She has acted this way in the past and a tiger doesn't change it's stripes as far as I am concerned.

I have seen many women in the position your wife is in with other men. It really does depend on the woman.

 

I have seen women tell these other men in no uncertain terms "that they are married" and "to not confuse that" and "to respect her husband or take off".

I imagine your wife is doing none of these things or is making it very obvious she is married. I imagine she is enjoying these men chasing her and messaging her and isn't doing much to stop it or set them straight.

That says something about your wife.

She is the jerk and she is the trouble maker.

If you're not happy, you should talk to her about it. If nothing can be changed, then you either need to accept how she is, or end it.

 

There really is no other choices.

My husband and I used to do cosplay together. I have multiple friends who are into it, travel to big conventions inside and outside of the country, compete in contests, and some of them have earned modeling gigs or tv show careers through cosplay. It can be a big business and I get the allure.

 

What crosses the line is how she allows her fans to dictate her behavior and does not enforce relationship boundaries. Being flirtatious while in character for photo ops only is one thing. Allowing people to kiss her (and some of those nerds don’t even shower for days during the cons, YUCK), exchanging personal info to meet and her pursuing a fan romantically while married... hell no, that crosses the line. She already betrayed you for doing that. She should be taking a firmer stand while married. I am in a very male dominated hobby/car club and even I have standards of not allowing members to treat me that way.

She's an insecure attention seeker. The only reason I'd think you have issues with insecurity is the fact you are still with her after her cheating on you and coming back when it turned out that guy was only after one thing ( shocker).

 

It has nothing to do with the hobby or being popular. You can enjoy that and not be an attention freak. She just is, whether she does this or not.

Based on what you've said, the guys flirt with her, stare at her, hug her, kiss her, she's hung out with a guy for months, left you for him or a bit and had an emotional (I'm sure it was sexual too even though you didn't say it). I'd say you have a horrible wife who isn't acting at all like a wife and she has no boundaries. No wife should be off alone kissing and hugging men.

 

I'd say screw the "I'm jealous" crap and just divorce her. No way in hell I'd be ok with any of that crap. If my wife was off surrounding by a throng of guys hugging and kissing her for hours/days, I'd invoke the whole "esteem me above ALL OTHER MEN" part of our wedding vows and stop that immediately and if she pulled the "you don't own me I'll do whatever I want with any man I want crap" and wouldn't stop than I'd divorce her.

 

You have no balls, you are weak, she has no boundaries or respect for you, you've not invoked any healthy marriage boundaries for interaction with other men, she has CHEATED ON YOU.

 

You need to divorce her. Why do you even want her now?

Have you and her seen a marriage counselor? I understand why you are upset, particularly if she left you for the other man and then came back to you when the other man stopped talking to her. :/ That would not make me feel secure at all.

To me, if i were in your shoes and she cheated on me, just like a cheater would have to leave the company they worked at with the boss they cheated on to save the marriage, or just like the cheater would have to put away their video game they met the cheater on, she would need to prove that she was interested in her marriage and leave the cosplay stuff behind for at least awhile and devote her time to her job or whatever else. Maybe that sounds too controlling for most people, but unless she offers to hang up her booties, her wand, her bustier or her elf ears or whatever it is for her character and retire it for a time, I'd be so out of there.

Divorce your cheating wife.

Divorce your cheating wife.

 

Amen to that.

Your wife is acting as though she's single even though she's married to you.

 

If it was just a question of getting into role, and all flirting and messing about stops when you're out of role - that's one thing. People doing drama workshops, say, will behave in ways which they'd never dream of doing in real life, because that's what the drama's all about. It stops the moment the workshop's over. Cosplay is a similar thing in that respect - or at least it should be.

 

It sounds as though your wife has no boundaries, and is using the marriage as a base while she messes about with other men - knowing she can come back to you. Cosplay gives her an arena where she can be very glamorous, and reap all the adulation she feels is due to her whilst protesting her innocence, while she can still feel safe with you.

 

You ask about your own feelings of insecurity... I think you can feel secure in the fact that she will return to you because you let her get away with inappropriate behaviour. When you say

I don't think I've forgiven her for falling in love with someone else, nor have I forgiven myself for not fighting harder to keep her.

It's only a matter of time before she finds someone else - your wife has no moral compass - and the only thing you should not be forgiving yourself for is that you didn't tell her to get lost when she tried to come back after her affair.