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I feel threatened by one of fiances female friends.


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Hello, I am new here but I am glad I found this site. So i'll get started with my issue.

I am in a long distant relationship, I live in CA and he lives in FL. We have everything planned out on getting him moved here, every thing seems to be wonderful.

We are on the same cell phone plan and a few months ago I decided to snoop and look at the call and text logs ( I know I know I shouldn't have done that, but I did). I kept seeing this number if this girl and they were talking on the phone for hours. Everything is time stamped so I noticed at times when he got off the phone with me saying he was "going to the store" he'd call her right away and talk for a long time. Or he was going to take a nap and he'd call her instead. There was 100's of text messages back and forth when that day he was hardly responding to any of mine. SO i confronted him about it and he did the whole "what, you don't trust me?" thing and said she was just a friend and they re connect every so often. Oh i forgot to mention she lives in another state as well. For some reason he wouldn't tell me her name and said "She doesn't have a facebook". We kinda got into a fight about it and he did the whole "you want me to stop talking to her?" I said no because I didn't want to seem controlling. After that talk the texting and calls stopped for a good few months. Now it's back. He has a lot of female friends that I don't have an issue with but they all know about me. What really gets under my skin is when it shows on the text log her texting him first thing in the morning like every minuet, over and over, like 10 of them! I don't think a female would be texting a man like that if they were just "friends". Eventually when he wakes up he calls her. I used to be the 1st one he'd call in the morning, now it's her. And he'd tell me "Oh i just woke up" uhhhh no you didn't! I want to ask him to stop talking to her. I don't think I am out of line because of the large amount of texts and calls mostly on her end. I need to do it in a way where it doesn't seem like im controlling. This is making me feel so insecure in the relationship and that will never stop it they are talking. I'm sure a lot of people will say "if you don't trust him don't be with him". I think that 100% trusting someone is being naive and that there are exceptions like this one that can make you question the trust. Anyways, advice please! I need this woman to go away. I've blocker her on the account but not sure if that will make things worse since he can still call her and she can say I blocker her.

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Oh dear. The woman, whoever she is, is NOT your problem. Your bf/fiance is your problem. HE is doing this and lying to you like a dog. If he isn't cheating on you physically, he is certainly cheating on you emotionally. So, the real question you need to ask yourself is do you want to be with a lying cheater?

 

And come on, what friends do you, does anyone call/text first thing in the morning every single morning? Dude is cheating. Plain and simple and you know this.

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Sorry to hear this. How did you meet? Were you always LD? How long have you been dating? How often do you get to see/visit each other? It sounds like he is not as honest nor invested in this relationship as you are. This situation is like whack-a-mole. One you shoot one situation down another will resurface. Why? Because your bf's integrity is the problem, not all his lady friends or phone calls or text logs,etc.

I am in a long distant relationship, I live in CA and he lives in FL.For some reason he wouldn't tell me her name. I don't think a female would be texting a man like that if they were just "friends". I've blocker her on the account.
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Well, the problem is that you don't have a relationship. This is an online romance. Have you even met this guy? How old are you both? Is he asking you for money? Are you paying for his phone? I'm guessing, he's not ready to settle down with you and may be using you. If he's a young guy, he's still interested in talking to girls and hanging around with them. You need to find someone where you live and go out on real dates. And forget about this guy who is already emotionally cheating on you. He's only setting you up to get hurt. Move on.

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It does seem suspicious, specially since he won't tell you her name.

It's not the woman's problem though. If she is another LD relationship on the side, she probably doesn't know about you either. Don't contact her and unblock her number. You say you don't want to seem controlling, but you are controlling. You can't stop him from talking to her. He is the problem, not her.

 

I think you need to step away. Tell him you can't trust him with all this going around and you need time to sort it out. See what he says then, take a break. I repeat, do not contact the other woman.

 

Also, have you ever met him? Has he asked you for money for anything? Sorry for the questions, but I see a lot of scams going on.

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"I'm sure a lot of people will say "if you don't trust him don't be with him". I think that 100% trusting someone is being naive and that there are exceptions like this one that can make you question the trust."

 

You don't get it. You 100% trust someone when you've put in the time to know that he is trustworthy because of consistent decent behavior and the person doesn't possess any red flags. That's not being naive. It's called gaining knowledge by the person's behavior and ethics.

 

Your guy is waving a big red flag with a skull and crossbones emblazoned on it, right in front of your face. If a guy needs to change in a major way for you to be happy, it means the relationship isn't the right one for you. There are some issues you could address with a mate and maybe if he cared he'd admit it's not good for the relationship and change. In this type of situation, I wouldn't even bother mentioning it and dump him. It's his poor ethics to keep a harem, and if you ask him to stop, he will only feel contempt for you. Even if that other woman wasn't a love interest, he's pouring hours, daily, into another woman besides you, and that's not a healthy balance for someone who supposedly is in an exclusive relationship.

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He was doing it before and knew it bothered you and now he's doing it again.

 

I don't think asking him to stop after-the-fact makes any sense, seeing he clearly knows how you feel about it and doesn't seem to care.

You want your partner to be invested enough to not chat up other single women without having to be told not to.

 

The fact he obviously wants to talk to them more tthan wants to make you feel safe tells you everything you need to know.

 

Add in the that he lies about it is good enough reason alone to be done with him.

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Even if that other woman wasn't a love interest, he's pouring hours, daily, into another woman besides you, and that's not a healthy balance for someone who supposedly is in an exclusive relationship.

 

This. There was a reason you decided to snoop, his behavior must have set off alarm bells in your head for you to do so. Why do you want to compete for his affection with another woman? You deserve to have someone that is 100% devoted to you, and you only.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Omg this is so cringy! Why do women put up with this s**t? You need to work on having a better self esteem. Then you will not tolerate this crap! The fact that you had to block another woman is pathetic. He LIED and obviously having a relationship with this woman be it emotional, sexual, whatever..he's lying which means he's guilty which means he's doing something he's not suppose to be doing .IT WILL NOT CHANGE. He won't give you her name because he doesn't want you snooping on his fb to find her. Dump him.

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  • 2 months later...

I would like to give you a bit of advice on this, as I have some experience.

 

Him saying "what, you don't trust me?", is already enough reason not to trust him, the fact that he's being so defensive about it all. He's trying to make you feel bad with the old, "trust" trick, instead of dealing with your feelings.

 

Similar thing happened with my, now fiance, when we were younger. He had a female best friend who he clearly had the hots for. He would always say how amazing and sexy she was, right to me, even though we were a couple.

 

So, I set up a little test. I made up some guy and talked about how amazing he was, right back to him. He got upset and asked why I was talking about another guy like that? Well, I told him, "oh, so you can go on about another girl to me, but I can't with another guy?". I could actually see the light bulb go off in his brain. He had absolutely no idea that the things he were saying and thinking, were wrong when he's already in a relationship. He actually personally, and immediately, decided to cut all contact with the girl, and never spoke to her again. We've been together for 8 years now (though with some other bumps along the way).

 

My point is, when a man who actually cares for you, sees that he's hurting you, he will stop. Yours however, clearly doesn't care for your feelings.

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I agree with many of the other posters, the problem isn't this woman, it's your arse of a boyfriend.

 

Yes, it's okay to have women friends BUT it's not okay to continue to be this close to them or to share this much with them or keep in contact to this degree with them.

That's what a girlfriend is for!!

 

He is crossing lines and he is letting this woman far too close. And you're right, her obsessively texting ten times in a row is not something "friends" do. She obviously likes him.

 

Your boyfriend needs to learn that being in a relationship means treating his girlfriend properly and talking this often to these other women is not treating you properly.

If I were you, I'd dump him, not even kidding. That's a bunch of bull and he quite clearly isn't ready to be decent to one woman.

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