Messed Up - Should I call him before he leaves for a month?

Ok, for context I have been seeing this guy (he's 32, I'm 31) for 4 months now, we see each other almost every weekend and usually once during the week. I was the first date he went on after getting over his last relationship (which happened a few months before). In the important ways we're very similar but in other's we're very different. In general he has had a lot more life experiences than I have. He is still seeing other people, he's very open about the fact that he's not ready for anything too serious yet. However, he has told me on more than one occasion that he sees a future with me and not the other people, he's just not ready to get into anything serious. My last relationship ended terribly and I definitely have some trust issues as a result which I'm working very hard on but it has bled into this relationship.

Tomorrow he's leaving to tour Europe for 4 weeks with his sisters. We spent last night together and ended up getting into a argument, I don't even know about what, but we worked it out (I thought) and ended with him saying he cared about me and stills wants to keep working on this together. Then this morning he was being very distant so I asked what was going on and he said he wants to slow things down and he just feels like I'm a lot. He said that he cares about me and wants to keep seeing me but it just feels like too much and he's starting to feel trapped. He said he feels like I want something serious and I like him more than he likes me. It somehow devolved into another argument and he said we could talk when he gets back. It ended pretty poorly, like we didn't know if we were going to keep seeing each other, but he had to go finish getting ready to leave. I called him about an hour later and just said look, I know you like me and care about me and I like you and care about you and that's what's important so let's just figure out how to make it work. He agreed (seemingly enthusiastically) but couldn't talk because he had to finish getting ready so it was basically me saying let's work on it, him saying ok and then hanging up.

Now having thought about it I feel like I just got caught up and even though it's only been 4 months it feels like longer but when I think about it I realize that 4 months is early days still, so it makes sense that he feels like it's moving too fast but because of my own trust issues I took it personally. I feel like I really screwed up and now he's leaving for 4 weeks. So now I feel like calling him and explaining and apologizing and telling him ok let's slow down, but I don't want to make it worse. So I guess that's the question: Should I call him and apologize or just leave it until he gets back?

He seems to know how you feel about him, so leave it be and let him get prepped for his trip. A little time and space from each other could be beneficial when he comes home.

don't call him..... For 4 weeks work on your trust issues. When he returns continue if he wants it. Just reading the details, he seems to be together, calm, collective and knows what he wants. Probably why you like him. Give the man some breathing room, he asked for it by telling you. Push it and you will lose him, worst he is going to think you have a lot of baggage.

Let it be. Don't contact him when he is away. Let him contact you. See what happens when he returns. If someone feels trapped, calling them to reiterate your last conversation is just a bit too much -- it will be the end of things. Let him miss you.

I do go out with friends and stuff as well, but I see what you mean. I haven't been seeing other people but that's one thing he said today was maybe I should consider going on a dates with other people as well so it isn't so one sided. He said I didn't have to but maybe it's something to consider. I told him that I had actually thought about it since he's going to be away and he's seeing other people so I'm going to do that. If he wanted to be in a relationship with just me I would be ok with it but I understand that he's not ready.

You already called him to tell him that exact same thing.

You calling yet again will be drama and pestering. He will find you even more tiresome.

Find a different way to soothe your anxiety.

Thank you for your replies, I guess I wont call. I just really like him and want it work and feel weird about how we was left it.... But it sounds like you the damage has been kind of been done and I just have to wait it out at this point? It just sucks that I might have ruined it.

I had already made an appointment to start seeing a therapist to work on my trust issues, I'm going in for my first appointment tomorrow (I didn't tell him about that though)

You don't need to tell him about therapy,you aren't a couple,as much as you'd love to be one. Focus on you while he's away and even after. Date others, not for it to be two sided but because he's obviously not ready for a relationship with you and you need to keep your options open. Dating others also gives you perspective and helps you not obsess over one person and since he's not committed, you don't want to be obsessing.

Don't call him, pull back.

Though personally I would think 4 months is plenty of time to move it forward towards exclusivity.

Ok so, we had talked about messaging each other while he was away and he said I was welcome to message him and he will too (this is yesterday before the fight), but you don't think I should message him at all? I am going to send him a text before he leaves tomorrow just to say have a good trip at least and then I hadn't really thought about it but I figured I'd send him the occasional message but you don't think I should contact him at all? Maybe a stupid question but does liking IG posts count? I was just scrolling though and he posted a picture, should I not like it?

No, don't call him and don't text him unless he texts you first. Instead get yourself out there to meet new men that don't keep telling you that they don't want to be in a serious relationship with you.

You are far too invested in a guy that keeps refreshing your mind that he doesn't want to be your exclusive boyfriend. He's going away to Europe and he will be picking up other women while there I'm sure. Know it and act in your own best interests. Calling him again will just make you look desperate and cement it in his mind that you're too into him for his liking.

You are setting yourself up to be disappointed. Step back and see what he does. Follow his lead and don't impose yourself on him. He's already said he fears you like him too much.

Adding:

It just sucks that I might have ruined it.

Do whatever you can to not call him. He knows how you feel and if you don’t call he will hopefully start to miss you. And even if he does text/call goodbye, I say don’t get back to him. Let him miss you. Let him text/call a couple times before replying. Let him wonder what you’re up to. Don’t let him think you’re sitting at home waiting for him.

Ok so, we had talked about messaging each other while he was away and he said I was welcome to message him and he will too (this is yesterday before the fight), but you don't think I should message him at all? I am going to send him a text before he leaves tomorrow just to say have a good trip at least and then I hadn't really thought about it but I figured I'd send him the occasional message but you don't think I should contact him at all? Maybe a stupid question but does liking IG posts count? I was just scrolling though and he posted a picture, should I not like it?

Nope. Don't contact him at all. Don't like IG posts. Anything agreed to before the fight is null. Let him miss you.

Also, I disagree that you should see other people to "keep things balanced." Instead, I would let him go and meet someone whose relationship style is to see one woman at a time (coffee dates with various women until he pairs off with someone is obviously fine, first/second dates but juggling where a guy is seeing you and multiple women for a four month stretch - you want someone who has paired off with you at that point or stopped seeing you after a few dates because he paired off with someone else or realizes you are not a match for him.)

Unless he comes back from this trip and tells you he realized he wants to date you exclusively - then i would let him go by the wayside. But i would not 'wait" for him. Take a few weeks to take a breather and unattach yourself and then go out on dates that don't involve spending the night or netflix and chill.

Four months is plenty of time for him to decide to date exclusively. I'd have very little faith in a man who said he wanted to be with me (at some point in the future?) yet wanted to pull back and encouraged me to date others, confirming that I am more into him than he is into me. That says to me he is not invested, and is unbothered about losing me to another.

You may have trust issues and getting with a therapist is a good start to help manage that, but from what you describe I do not see reason for you to put trust in this guy. I could be wrong, but I just can't imagine that a guy who really wanted to be with me would encourage me to go find other men to date. I would think he is keeping me in his back pocket while he checks out his other options. No wonder you are anxious.

Find someone who wants a relationship, as you do. I'm sure it's true that he isn't ready to commit. How long are you willing to wait? One year, two years, three...? You haven't messed anything up - it's been 4 months of regular contact and makes perfect sense that you'd like to know that he's into you enough to make it exclusive. Instead, he is telling you to go out and date and give him some air... :/.

When someone tells you that their not ready for a relationship, believe them. He's not ready for it, and it's unlikely that he will get ready for it while dating you. Or if he does, chances are this relationship will be with someone else.

My personal view is that you should just tell him that you're looking for different things (you want a relationship and he doesn't) so you should stop seeing or contacting each other for now. If he changes his mind, then he can contact you and you two take it from there. This will raise your value in his mind. If you just keep dating him while he tells you he doesn't want a relationship with you, you'll be just sending him the message that you don't value yourself enough and see him as your only option.

I was in a very similar situation about 6 months ago. I really thought that just because she kept saying how she liked and was attracted to me would just make her want a relationship in time. Quite the opposite. When some time passed, she just wanted to be (fully) single. Like other posters said, he's not invested as you are. From this on it's just gonna be more and more disappointment at your side of things, while he just dates others and plays around. You deserve better than that.

My view is that, except for very rare cirumstances, the only way someone 'becomes' ready to be in a relationship is being single. You need to allow him to go out there and see that you might still be his best option. Then he might come back. But by then you may have found someone else. The wrong timing is unfortunate, but it is what it is. It doesn't seem like there's a lot of future there for you two, at least for the coming months.

Also, don't think you messed up or anything like that. You might not have acted like the cool and classy act but there was not much you could've done to change this situation. Paople are either ready or not and he's not. It's incredibly frustrating to meet someone you like under these circumstances. We feel very powerless, like trying to make them like us more so they decide to be with us. The thing is, the more you try, the more he will back away. You're most likely his rebound and he's probably just seeing you as that and nothing more.

I happen to think all men have it in them to date "one at a time" when they meet a woman who knocks their socks off, whom they are "really" into and they (the men) don't have any underlying fears or anxieties re relationships, commitment, or trust issues themselves.

Such a man would go absolutely nuts imagining her with other men, and any man who actually tells a woman he's dating to date other men, is a man not all that interested in her, and that's putting it mildly.

OP, what are you doing still hanging with this man?

He told you that you are "a lot" (i.e. too much work, too needy, too pressuring) and that he feels trapped?

That should have been *your* cue to wish him well and walk away!

I wouldn't stay two seconds after a man told me that, no matter how deeply I felt about him!

Then again, I would never have behaved that way in the first place. I've learned to contain my anxieties and insecurities and going forward you should too!

Forget the "pulling back" not texting, letting him miss you game, it's too late for that.

It sounds like he's done; sorry but seriously best to wish him a great trip and tell him you're not on the same page and you're moving on.

Don't become emotional, no drama, no histrionics, just very matter of fact -- find your self-respect and tell him you're done too, it's time.

I'm sorry OP, but I would cut things off altogether with this guy.

He is still dating other people after 4 months and advising that you do the same. This isn't a man who is going to commit to you. He doesn't want to come out and say it, but it's obvious. If he hasn't warmed up enough to you by this point, it's not going to happen. He's keeping his options open and you will get hurt when he does meet someone he wants to date more seriously.

...he just feels like I'm a lot.

If someone ever told me this, I'd fly right off of his radar.

The problem is not that you exposed what you want--there's nothing 'wrong' with that. The problem is that you set yourself up to pretend that you're fine with being part of a harem, and now you feel lousy about not being fake enough for someone who had zero intention of giving you what you really want in the first place.

You positioned this guy with the perfect 'out'. You enabled him to play with you while it was fun and to ditch you the moment you were no longer convenient. You can blame him for that if you want to feel victimized, but you were responsible for screening him out as incompatible, and you chose instead to play along. The outcome was predictable.

Figure out what you want in a relationship, and then pursue THAT instead of people who won't give it to you. If you're committed relationship material, recognize that and honor it. From there you'll avoid people who are NOT relationship material.

If you stick around to attempt to 'convert' a non-relationship person, that won't work. It will break your heart. Date ONLY people who are looking for the same kind of love you envision for yourself.

Skip apologies, and disabuse yourself of the idea that what you want is 'wrong'. This will help you build confidence in your ability to better screen people going forward.

Advice from grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when your ego prompts you to pick up the snake to play with it."

Head high, and move your focus forward.

The best thing you can do about "trust issues" is not date players or be in open relationships. Cut your losses with this guy. Invest in someone who wants what you want, which is an exclusive relationship. Stop talking to this guy. 4 mos of sleeping together and he treats you like just another hookup. That's not a "trust issue", it's a self respect issue.

I had already made an appointment to start seeing a therapist to work on my trust issues

Not to defend the boyfriend, but I can understand what he's saying. Having been with those with trust and insecurity issues, it's quite draining. And he probably wants some breathing room from it. This may be why he's still dating others.

Telling her to date others is a definitely a red flag that he's not going exclusive any time soon.

 

Not to blame the OP and saying she had her issues under control he'd commit to her exclusively, but definitely there's work to be done, which she is now being proactive about.

I don"t think anyone was blaming the boyfriend SG, I certainly wasn't.

In fact to the contrary he has been 100% honest with her and I give him tons of credit for that.

This is solely on the OP, in my opinion. She knew what he was about from the get go and "she" chose to move forward with him and become too attached.

And even now, she is the one choosing to remain with him -- a man who thinks she's "a lot" (too needy, pressuring, trust issues) and who feels trapped because of it.

As I said, as soon as he told her this, *her* cue to wish him well, walk away and work on resolving her own issues.

I hope she does this, and wish her the best of luck moving forward.

The best thing you can do about "trust issues" is not date players or be in open relationships. Cut your losses with this guy. Invest in someone who wants what you want, which is an exclusive relationship. Stop talking to this guy. 4 mos of sleeping together and he treats you like just another hookup. That's not a "trust issue", it's a self respect issue.

Exactly. What's to trust or not trust when someone clearly tells you that he's not 'in this' for the same reasons you are? If you stick around after that, you're just trying to manipulate him into changing his mind, and he'll tell you pretty things just to keep you hoping you'll succeed at that. That's the game players play.

You can spare yourself a lot of therapy money by walking into her or his office and laying it on the table: I play with players and get burned, so now I believe that I have trust issues.

How about learning how to screen out players instead? Then the only person you'll need to trust is your own better judgment in choosing trust-WORTHY people. From there, set your trust meter to a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 with new people you meet. Observe their words and behaviors over time, and allow them to show you whether they are worth investing more trust, or whether to withdraw trust and walk away.

Whenever someone tells you that he doesn't want a relationship, believe him, thank him for his honesty, and tell him that's why you need to walk away, but he's free to contact you in the future if he ever decides that he's relationship material. Then enjoy your pride as you meet the next person.

Allow bad matches to pass early.

Head high.

Perhaps I'm missing something, and please let me know if I am, but I'm still not seeing how this guy was (or is) a "player."

Has he lied to her? No.

Misled her in any way? No.

Deceived her? No.

To the contrary he has been 100% honest with her from the beginning, telling her he does not want a relationship, does not want serious and is dating other women.

So how is that being a player? Because he doesn't want what she wants and told her that? Because he enjoys multi-dating, which he also told her.

He was also honest about telling her that her behavior was too much, and that he felt trapped.

Again, 100% honest.

So no I don't agree he was a "player" or even playing games.

The OP knew exactly what he was about and what he wanted and did not want, with her, right from the beginning.

SHE chose to stick around, this is on her.

Apologies for the semi-rant, but I am so tired of this word "player" being tossed around and "he's playing games" whenever a woman refuses to HEAR what a man is flat out telling her! And she ends up hurt.

Pay attention to what he is telling you for heaven's sake, if you don't and end up getting hurt, don't blame him, HE was honest, with you and with himself, blame yourself.

And look within to deterimine why *you* chose to stay. And vow to make better choices for yourself next time.

That said, I am sorry you got hurt 12Network, and best of luck going forward. :)

I get what you're saying Katrina, and at first I'm like hell yeah, he isn't a player because he's honest. And he is honest. But if he wasn't a player,he would leave the moment he saw that OP wanted more. So that may not make him a horrible man or the worst player but I do think he falls in the category or the borders at least.

I'm probably nit picking here, but just a thought.

I absolutely agree on the rest,he is honest and it's OP's call now to stay on his terms or leave because she won't be getting what she wants.

OP I loved what catfeeder said "enjoy your pride" and move on. I've been in situations like this a few times and swallowed my pride and self respect and to what end? So what if they leave? There are men out there that want what we want, whatever that is.

>>But if he wasn't a player, he would leave the moment he saw that OP wanted more.

Hi Cope!

That argument has been made before and the way I see it, no it's not *his* responsibility to take care of *her* emotions and end things if she becomes too attached, she is a grown woman, that's HER responsibility. They are her emotions after all, not his.

*His* responsibility is to be honest and forthright with her which he was many times over. That he does not want a RL, does not want serious, and dating others.

Knowing this, *she* chose to continue dating him, resulting in her becoming too attached; if she was hurt by his non-committal behavior (which again he was honest with her about), then it's on HER to make the choice to walk away.

He did his part by continuing to be honest with her!

That said, it appears that he *has* now chosen to walk away. He told her he feels trapped (again honest), and is leaving for a month. Sounds like he's done.

The only person responsible for the choices he/she makes (in relationships, in life!), and the outcome of those choices is that person!

Not their partners, their responsibility is to be honest and forthright, and it's up to the other what they choose to do with the information they're given.

The OP had all the information, and chose to proceed forward.

She got hurt because of that choice, and yeah I realize that most folks want to "blame" the guy, deem him some sort of "player" of something, but again not seeing it for the reasons just explained.

Had he *not* been honest, led her to believe she was the only woman he was dating, told her he was wanting a RL when in fact he wasn't, then I would agree he was a player.

But that's not what happened here.

The OP should own her own choices, deal with the consequences of those choices, and strive to make better choices for herself in the future.

JMO! :)

Perhaps I'm missing something, and please let me know if I am, but I'm still not seeing how this guy was (or is) a "player."

 

Has he lied to her? No.

 

Misled her in any way? No.

 

Deceived her? No.

Being player and being a jerk are two different things. If Op wants to be in a relationship with a guy who doesn't play the field then she needs to stop playing with this player.