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  1. Just wanted to share :) when I was broken up I'd read over these posts looking for hope. The best advice I can give is go complete no contact and use the time in between to work on yourself, for yourself!
  2. I wont get into all the details (I started a journal on here so you can read that if you want a full rundown) but basically we were together since the beginning of the year - everything was great and we were talking about moving in together and then two days later he broke up with me. This was on Tuesday (aug 21) I was planning on going no contact but so far it hasn't worked (yesterday he texted me and I replied and today I called him and we talked). But I'm starting now. I called today in a moment of weakness. I told him I missed him and asked if he still cared about me and he said of course, it doesn't just go away over night but we both have some work to do on ourselves that we can't do together. I asked him if he knew what happened, how we went from being so happy to two days later him breaking up with me and he basically said what I already knew, my anxiety became a self fulfilling prophecy. In the beginning when I would ask for reassurance and him to reassure me that he wasn't upset or going to break up with me he wasn't but it became too much. I know exactly what he's talking about. From past relationships I've become anxious. I know he's not perfect either, he has his own issues. So I can see why this doesn't work. I asked if there was anything I could do to fix it and he said I just need to work on myself for myself not for us. I asked if he thought we had a chance in the future if we worked on ourselves and he said anything is possible in the future. I asked if this is something he would want and he said he wouldn't have put the effort into the relationship up until now if he didn't but we need to work on ourselves. I told him not to just tell me what I want to hear and he said for now we just need some space. We had bought concert tickets for a few different concerts in the fall so I asked if he just wanted to keep them and he said why don't we check in in mid September to see how we're feeling and that he didn't want to decide now and then it becomes awkward or uncomfortable later. I apologized for calling and he said there was no need, I was feeling a certain way and needed to talk. He said we could hang out tonight if I wanted but he didn't know if it would help. I told him as much as I would like to I think it would be a bad idea based on everything we've talked about. When we first broke up he told me to throw out his stuff but I didn't want to do that so I put it in a bag and tucked it away where I wouldn't have to see it. I told him this too and he said ok. I apologized for everything that has happened and for not dealing with my issues when they first became a problem and he said not to apologize, just hopefully in the next month we can work on ourselves. And that was it. Part of me feels better, he does think there's a chance for us and it is something he wants and he still wants to be with me. But part of me also feels pretty pathetic for calling. Like I'm sure I sounded pathetic. I also don't want false hope. So that's where I'm at...
  3. Well no contact has not gone well. He messaged me yesterday and I replied. We had a short back and forth. It was all about the breakup, he said thank you for the support and he knows in this type of situation people tend to get angry and ghost. I told him I wasn't angry just sad and I wouldn't ghost him. He said he was calm and sad. I ended by saying that I hope we can both take some time to get better and that should have been it. I was feeling better. I took myself to the movies and was feeling like I was in a good place. And then I woke up this morning and felt awful again. So I called him. I know I shouldn't have. We small chatted for a minute and then I asked if he still had feelings for me. He said he course they don't just go away. I asked if there was chance for us in the future and he said who knows what the future holds. He said we could hang out tonight if I'd like but I told him I didn't think that was a good idea. That as much as I wanted to I knew it would just make things worse. I asked him what happened, how everything changed so quickly and he basically confirmed what I'd thought - that whenever he got upset he I would push and wonder what I did and if he was going break up with me and in the beginning he wasn't but it just got to be too much and became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I said I know that's one of the issues I need to work on. I said I wish I could fix it with him and ask if there was anything I could do and he said he thinks we just need some time. I asked again if he thought there was a chance for us in the future if we both worked on ourselves and he said yes. I asked if that was something that he would want and he said he wouldn't have put so much time in if he didn't. I told him not to just say that to make me feel better and he said I shouldn't work on getting better for us and he didn't think we could make the changes we needed to if we were together and I should be working being better to have a better life. He said hopefully we can both take the next while to work on ourselves but at this point we just need time. I asked about the concerts and if he just wanted to keep the tickets and he said let's reconnect in mid September to see where we're at. So I said ok, and I'm sorry for everything and he told me not to apologize that we both just need time. I felt better. I felt hopeful that in mid-September we'd get back together. And then the I started coming down and realizing how pathetic I sounded. How he was trying to tell me to move and and improve for me and give him space and I was still pushing about getting back together. So now I just feel pathetic. I was thinking of texting him just to say that I can't work on improving myself if I still have a hope and I can't do that if I still have him around so I'm going to delete him off of everything but don't take it personally I just need to do this for me. But then that sounds pathetic too. I know breakups are hard and I know I have issues I need to deal with but I just feel overwhelmed. I remember reading that saying you'll try again in a few months and telling your ex you're holding on hope just makes them feel more comfortable moving on because they know you're still there. And I don't want to do that. I don't want to hold his hand while he gets over me and I feel like that's what this phone call did. It said 'ok enjoy the next few weeks because I'll just be waiting for mid-September to get back together.' Gahh.. I wish there was just someone to tell me here's the right way to handle this, here's what you need to do. And of course I've talked to my friends and they tell me they're sorry and I'm better off and all the cliches but don't need cliches. I don't need someone to just tell me to move on. If it was that simple I would. I don't know why we give people that advice. We've literally all been through a breakup and we all know it doesn't just work like that so why do we do it? I just wish I hadn't called and I wish I knew what to do now to fix the damage of the call so that we do have a chance in the future... I know this was long and rambling and makes me sound pathetic. I guess that's what the internet is for, hopefully I'll begin to see some improvement with each entry and in time I'll come back and be embarrassed about how just how ridiculous I sound.
  4. We started dating in at the beginning of 2018. He wasn't ready for a serious relationship so I let it be more casual until it got to be too much. We would argue about it but in the end I would always think, it's still early in the relationship, too early to be exclusive. In March he went on a 4 week family trip to Europe and we decided to use that time to figure out if being together was actually what we wanted. I decided not to contact him at all during that time but he never went more than 3 days without calling or messaging me to check in and see how I was doing. He came back and told me he loved me and the space made him realize this was right. We still fought occasionally, we both have issues from past relationships that were in conflict. But overall everything was going well. His birthday was at the end of last month and we went away the weekend. My birthday was the beginning of the this month and he planned this amazing day for me based on small things I'd said over the past months. Last week we went camping for 5 days I had a bit of anxiety and he reassured me that he loved me and wanted to be with me. He told me I was beautiful even when I was crying and he would be extremely upset if we broke up. He told me we made each other better people and being with me made him feel safe. We won a vacation to the Dominican Republic and were looking at going over Christmas. We have tickets to four concerts in the fall. On Saturday he brought up the idea of us moving in together. On Sunday (one days after bringing up the idea of moving in together) we went to dinner together and half way through his mood just changed and he said he wanted to leave. We were on the way back to my place and he started talking about wanting to be alone. I asked if that included me and he said yes. I had no idea what he was talking about. He said he he wanted to be alone and he wanted to go home. I left him alone for the rest of the night. On Monday we met up and I asked what he meant by wanting to be alone and he said he wanted to not be with anyone. I asked if that meant me too and he said anyone. I asked if he was saying he didn't want to date me or see me anymore and he said that's not what he was saying. I was so confused, I shouldn't have pushed him on it but he was being so vague. Eventually he said he didn't want to see me or date me anymore. He said if I wanted we could take a week and he could see how he's feeling but I said no, I'm not going to sit around waiting for him to decide if he wanted to be with me. He said he didn't then. I backtracked and asked him to take a couple days. I asked what happened between last week and now. I didn't understand. I asked if he still loved me and he said no. I tried to change his mind for the next hour but he said he wouldn't . He said he was sorry and I could just throw out his stuff rather than drop it off. And that was it. I didn't message him at all on the next two days. On Thursday I messaged and asked how his day was going. I told him he was important to me and the idea of not talking to him made me broke my heart. I asked if we could talk. He said he's thought about it and he thinks we'd be better as friends. I said ok then lets try friends. He said we needed some space first. I know he's right, I know I couldn't be friends with him right now but the idea of not seeing him just makes me so sad. So I told him ok, maybe we can check in and see about the concerts closer to (the first one is still 4 weeks away) and he just didn't reply. So today I'm starting no contact. I deleted our old messages so I don't go back and read them and make myself upset. The thing is I know that we both have issues from our past that are conflicting. Without fixing them we wouldn't have lasted anyways. But it still breaks my heart. I haven't felt so happy and so safe with someone I think ever. I've had longer relationships where I've lived with partners for years and I wasn't as happy as I was with him. When we were good we were so good. He's a genuinely good person. The type of person to help an old person cross the road (literally, multiple times we'd be walking and I'd look behind me and he would be across the road helping someone). I just don't know how you go from talking about moving in together to needing to be alone in 2 days. I'm sorry this was so long and rambly. I just need somewhere to vent and try to make sense of everything while I try to move on.
  5. Day 1 - We broke up on Tuesday, I didn't contact him on Wednesday and then I texted him yesterday. I asked if we could try and talk it through and he said no, we're better off as friends but we would need some time apart before that could happen. We have tickets to go to 3 concerts in the fall (the first is just over 5 weeks away) and I really want to go to them so I asked if we could see how we're feeling about being friends closer to and maybe still go. He hasn't replied. So starting no contact today. I realize we both have some issues we need to work through before anything could work between us. Reading the getting back together stories has really helped me see that we both need to work on those before any sort of successful relationship can happen. I don't think he's going to come back and change his mind, I think he's pretty set and it's pretty much over. But I still have some hope. I need to work on myself first and hope that he does as well. This forum was very helpful in my last breakup so hoping it will be in this one as well.
  6. Yes we were, I know I posted about him going on a trip April and that post was kind of what I was referring to with him not wanting to be monogamous but he came home from the trip after barely talking and told me the time apart made him realize he loved me and wanted to be with me and we've been together since then.
  7. We've been seeing each other for about 8 months. Overall I think we're really good together, we have fun and make each other laugh but can also have good conversations. When we started dating he was 3 months out of a relationship I was about a year. He has some depression and sometimes needs time alone which has been tough but we always worked through it. We had some issues earlier with him not wanting a monogamous relationship but we had worked through it and found a compromise that worked for us. Everything had been going really well, we went camping together, we have tickets to concerts together in the fall and he even talked about us getting a place together when my lease is up next spring. Then last night we were at the gym and part way through he just got really down and said he didn't want to work out anymore so we left and starting walking back to my place and he said he felt like he had no goals in life anymore and he just wanted to be alone and that included me. So he went back to his place and I figured he was just having an off night. Tonight we had a dodgeball game (we're on the same rec team) so I asked if we could meet before and walk over together and he said sure but he wanted to be alone tonight. So I asked what was going on and if he could tell me how he was feeling and he said he just wanted to be alone and I asked if that meant not being with me and not seeing each other any more and he said that's not what he said he just wanted to be alone. And I know I should have left it and been like ok if you need some space go for it but instead I was like no, you don't get to off and have time while I sit around wondering if you want to be with me. That's not fair to me. Do you want to be with me or not. So he said no he didn't think he did but how about we take a week and he'd see if he missed me or not. Which just made me worse and I cried and begged a little (not as much as my last relationship, I've learned a little at least) and said I didn't want to wait a week, I just wanted to be together. And then it just kept disintegrating and he said he just didn't want to be together anymore. So I said ok take a couple a days and he said he didn't need them, he just didn't want to be with me anymore, he needed to be alone. I asked him what happened and begged a little more (I know, I know, I really did try) but he wouldn't budge so finally I just walked home. He said he doesn't think we make each other better and he doesn't love me anymore. But I don't understand, like we had just had a conversation less than a week ago where he told me how much better I make his life and how upset he would be if we broke up and how happy I make him. I just don't know what happened, like everything was going so well and we were so happy, we see each other almost every day. But now I think maybe that's the problem? But we're always having fun and enjoying each other's company and yes sometimes we get in fights but we are always quick to work them out. I just feel like if I had let it go and been like cool, do you for a couple days this wouldn't have happened. And I'm hoping that in a couple of days he'll calm down and realize... I don't even know.... Realistically I don't think he will but I'm still holding on hope. I know I don't have a specific question, all my friends are away on vacations before the start of a new academic year so I just need someone to talk to and maybe some words of encouragement. Please don't be too hard on me, I just feel like how am I back here again....
  8. Ok so, we had talked about messaging each other while he was away and he said I was welcome to message him and he will too (this is yesterday before the fight), but you don't think I should message him at all? I am going to send him a text before he leaves tomorrow just to say have a good trip at least and then I hadn't really thought about it but I figured I'd send him the occasional message but you don't think I should contact him at all? Maybe a stupid question but does liking IG posts count? I was just scrolling though and he posted a picture, should I not like it?
  9. If you go to a reputable escort agency they tend to test more than the average person for STI's but of course use a condom to be safe. If you want to, I say go for it!
  10. Thank you for your replies, I guess I wont call. I just really like him and want it work and feel weird about how we was left it.... But it sounds like you the damage has been kind of been done and I just have to wait it out at this point? It just sucks that I might have ruined it. I had already made an appointment to start seeing a therapist to work on my trust issues, I'm going in for my first appointment tomorrow (I didn't tell him about that though)
  11. I do go out with friends and stuff as well, but I see what you mean. I haven't been seeing other people but that's one thing he said today was maybe I should consider going on a dates with other people as well so it isn't so one sided. He said I didn't have to but maybe it's something to consider. I told him that I had actually thought about it since he's going to be away and he's seeing other people so I'm going to do that. If he wanted to be in a relationship with just me I would be ok with it but I understand that he's not ready.
  12. Ok, for context I have been seeing this guy (he's 32, I'm 31) for 4 months now, we see each other almost every weekend and usually once during the week. I was the first date he went on after getting over his last relationship (which happened a few months before). In the important ways we're very similar but in other's we're very different. In general he has had a lot more life experiences than I have. He is still seeing other people, he's very open about the fact that he's not ready for anything too serious yet. However, he has told me on more than one occasion that he sees a future with me and not the other people, he's just not ready to get into anything serious. My last relationship ended terribly and I definitely have some trust issues as a result which I'm working very hard on but it has bled into this relationship. Tomorrow he's leaving to tour Europe for 4 weeks with his sisters. We spent last night together and ended up getting into a argument, I don't even know about what, but we worked it out (I thought) and ended with him saying he cared about me and stills wants to keep working on this together. Then this morning he was being very distant so I asked what was going on and he said he wants to slow things down and he just feels like I'm a lot. He said that he cares about me and wants to keep seeing me but it just feels like too much and he's starting to feel trapped. He said he feels like I want something serious and I like him more than he likes me. It somehow devolved into another argument and he said we could talk when he gets back. It ended pretty poorly, like we didn't know if we were going to keep seeing each other, but he had to go finish getting ready to leave. I called him about an hour later and just said look, I know you like me and care about me and I like you and care about you and that's what's important so let's just figure out how to make it work. He agreed (seemingly enthusiastically) but couldn't talk because he had to finish getting ready so it was basically me saying let's work on it, him saying ok and then hanging up. Now having thought about it I feel like I just got caught up and even though it's only been 4 months it feels like longer but when I think about it I realize that 4 months is early days still, so it makes sense that he feels like it's moving too fast but because of my own trust issues I took it personally. I feel like I really screwed up and now he's leaving for 4 weeks. So now I feel like calling him and explaining and apologizing and telling him ok let's slow down, but I don't want to make it worse. So I guess that's the question: Should I call him and apologize or just leave it until he gets back?
  13. Interestingly, about 70% of relationships in which one partner cheats the couple ends up staying together. We just usually don't hear about these couples. We hear about the ones where they split up so we assume that's the norm. I know that doesn't really answer the reason of why but just adding to the fact that people do...
  14. Ok, this guy and I have been seeing each other, once a week to every week and a half for about 3 months now. He did a mult-country Europe trip for a few weeks where we didn't talk and I thought if he didn't like me, it would have been a good chance for him to ghost me if he wasn't actually interested, but he messaged me the morning after he got back and we went out the following weekend. So I think he likes me. I really like this guy, like more than I have liked any guy since my ex. The thing is, my last breakup wasn't great. My ex and I had been together for almost 4 years and it turned out he had been cheating on me for 4 months and broke up with me for the girl he had been cheating on me with. I feel like I'm much less confident and much less sure of myself with this new guy as a result. And add onto that the fact that I've never done the whole 'casual dating' thing, I've always been in a serious relationship since I was a teenager (I'm 29 now). Every time he takes more than a couple hours to text back or if we go a day without him texting me I feel nervous and then I get excited when I do hear from him. I'm trying to play it cool and not message him too often or not double text too much but I just feel super lame. I don't know if it matters, but he asked me out on the first couple of dates and I've asked him out for the next few. Also, when we first starting seeing each other we talked about what we were looking for he said he was just looking to go out and have fun and wasn't looking for anything but not not looking for anything, he just don't want to be disappointed if nothing happens. And I was kind of in the same boat, so we agreed that we would just go out and see what happens. I don't know what my goal here is, maybe just, is it normal to not hear back for sometimes up to 12 hours? Or go a couple days without hearing from them? He's pretty nerdy, based on some of our conversations I know he's had girlfriends in the past but not for a while so I don't know if that matters, like he doesn't seem to have a lot of experience either (though that's just my impression). And is it too soon to think about being exclusive? Not changing our facebook status or anything but just not seeing other people? Or is that something you wait to happen naturally (especially since we already talked about the whole' what are you looking for' thing)? And how do you know if a guy actually likes you? Like is it weird that I'm always the one asking him out? I should note that this isn't first guy I've dated since my ex and I broke up, it's just the first one that I really like. How do people do this? I just feel like everyone knows all the rules to dating and I have no idea what I'm doing or what is normal. I feel really lame asking this but any advice would be really appreciated (please be nice to me)!
  15. Ok so, I'll try to keep this short, basically there's this guy I've been seeing for about a month and a half, though we've only had 3 dates (4th is tonight), he asked me for the first 2, I asked him for the second two. In person we have a lot of fun and he's really easy to talk to but when we're not together he'll take an average of 12 hours to reply to a text, sometimes up to 24 hours. I thought maybe he just wasn't interested so I let the conversation die off a couple of times and then within a couple of days he'll message me again. We slept together on the second date and on the third when we went back to my place he was like 'we probably should have talked about this before we slept together, I think we should talk about what we're looking for. I'm just looking to go out and have fun and I'm not looking for anything but not not looking for anything, I just don't want to be disappointed if nothing happens.' I'm kind of at the date and see what happens stage, so also not looking for anything serious, but also not opposed to it if something does develop which is what I said, so we decided to just keep seeing each other and see what happens. So now we're supposed to be hanging out tonight and then he's leaving for a 3 week vacation through Europe with some friends tomorrow, where I assume I won't hear from him for 3 weeks. Basically I don't want to sit around waiting for him to get back if he's actually just interested in sleeping together vs dating. What do you think?
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