Messed Up - Should I call him before he leaves for a month?

[katrina1980]

Real players, not a-holes don't need to lie. They tell the truth but they are still players because the play the field, they do it honestly but the women they are with just don't listen to the words that are coming out of their mouths.

 

Being player and being a jerk are two different things. If Op wants to be in a relationship with a guy who doesn't play the field then she needs to stop playing with this player.

 

Agree about the OP, I guess I'm just confused about what constitutes a player.

 

Even on this forum, it's been argued that a man who enjoys multi-dating (or as you said "play the field"), not wanting a relationship, is not necessarily a "player" as long as he's up front and honest about it.

 

That a player is a man who lies and deceives women to get what he wants, usually sex but not always, which is more what I have always thought too.

 

In any event, what's important is that moving forward, OP heeds the warnings, and if she chooses to continue dating such a man, lower expectations, or better yet, if she is wanting a relationship, exclusivity, then walk away from any man who doesn't.

 

You haven't returned OP so hope all is well and good luck! :)

[ThatwasThen]

Agree about the OP, I guess I'm just confused about what constitutes a player.

Think James Bond. He's the epitome of a player. He's up front that he's not committing, that he has women all over the world yet he still has no trouble "pulling" women. He has no need to lie or deceive.

 

Even on this forum, it's been argued that a man who enjoys multi-dating (or as you said "play the field"), not wanting a relationship, is not necessarily a "player" as long as he's up front and honest about it.

That IS the very definition of a player. The one who lies, is not a player, he's simply a liar and a jerk who HAS to lie in order to get his jollies met.

 

That a player is a man who lies and deceives women to get what he wants, usually sex but not always, which is more what I have always thought too.

That's describing a selfish jerk who can't get what he wants on his charm and skills and has to lie to get sex without commitment.

 

In any event, what's important is that moving forward, OP heeds the warnings, and if she chooses to continue dating such a man, lower expectations, or better yet, if she is wanting a relationship, exclusivity, then walk away from any man who doesn't.

Agree. Its certainly in her best emotional interests to do just that.

[katrina1980]

^Yeah, thinking more about this, I think you might be right TwT! And I may just be confused about the previous discussion about it, my bad!

 

Although whenever anyone brings up "player" it always conjures up negative images of some jerk lying and misleading women. But that may be coming from my own head.

 

I now recall when having this discussion prior, when a poster was lamenting about a man she knows lying and deceiving women for his own self-serving purposes, I posted that such man wasn't a player, he was a sociopath!

 

So thanks for clarifying all this TwT, wow embarrassed now that I went off on a bit of a rant about it.

 

I just got confused, happens from time to time! lol

[ThatwasThen]

Cheers, girl.

No need to be embarrassed at all.

 

I now recall when having this discussion prior, when a poster was lamenting about a man she knows lying and deceiving women for his own self-serving purposes, I posted that such man wasn't a "player," he was a sociopath!

For Sure!

[purplepaisley]

Of COURSE he tells you you're the one.

 

He says that to all the girls.

 

He also stated things are moving too fast and he's feeling trapped....I can totally hang my socks on that statement, security abounds.

 

Awesome!

 

Interpretation:

-You are demanding too much too soon.

-He wants to get laid and will give you platitude to keep you available.

 

(all his dates and women are going through the same thing as you right now)

 

Two major arguments on the forefront of his month-long absence is not the best sign. I hazard a guess that your insecurities played a role in this...probably caused it. I also suspect that he may have triggered these arguments in order to be rid of you for his month-long play...no ties.

 

He has been open about the fact that he continues to see other people as he's not ready for a serious relationship, then feeds you fodder that you, just you, are "the one"...someday...mixed signals, "It's just you, baby" (but I'm going to continue dating other women).

 

I mean, you're the one he wants to "settle down with," but he's going to keep poking his pecker in other holes for now because he's just not ready yet...and head to Europe for four weeks.

 

I would be a bit of a basket case right now.

 

How do you reconcile this in your head? "I want you, but..." "You're the one, but..."

 

The better solution is to let this one go. You either accept him as the occasional bedroom buddy and some dinner and entertainment to boot, or you dump him entirely and seek out a man who is ready to be committed and loving to you, and only you...when a trip abroad doesn't create friction and fights, and you trust him wholeheartedly.

 

You feel like reaching out because you don't want to see him disappear for a month on such bad terms.

 

These issues are merely a symptom of things gone wrong in this relationship and it's just not working for you. You say you're okay with this casual nature, but you're not.

[katrina1980]

Sorry missed where he said she was "the one."

 

Just read the entire thread again, still didn't see.

 

pp, not doubting he told her that, but can you quote where OP said that he did? Might change my opinion about this, cause that's pretty scummy, a definite "jerk" move.

 

I read he told her he sees a future with her, but lol, that could mean a movie next week, it means NOTHING and when a man says it, it should go in one ear and out the other unless back up'd with proper action, *not* followed by he's not ready for a relationship and dating other women.

[ThatwasThen]

I went looking for that as well and couldn't see it.

[catfeeder]

Although whenever anyone brings up "player" it always conjures up negative images of some jerk lying and misleading women. But that may be coming from my own head.

 

Sure, the phrase 'playing the field' comes from my parents' day. It doesn't necessarily involve deception. If someone tells me he wants to date around, my next question would be, "Are you dating to find the right person for a relationship?"

 

If so, then dating to get to know one another can stay on the table, but I wouldn't sleep with him during that time. That's partly about my own safety, and partly because I know myself, and I bond when I'm sexual. So why invest emotionally in someone I don't even know well who's still playing, when I don't view sex as a conversion device?

 

If his answer is no, he's NOT looking for a relationship, then dating him isn't even an option for me. This doesn't make him wrong or bad, and I'd thank him for his honesty. It means we're not looking for the same thing. Sticking around to try to manipulate what I want from him makes no sense. That's an entirely different game of my own creation and with no rules.