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Thread: Should I stay or should I go

  1. #1
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    Should I stay or should I go

    Hey everyone, I have been with my Fiancť for almost 2 years now, things happened very fast for us and we have a 6 month old baby boy who absolutely adores him. The problem is, he does not trust me and it hurts. I donít have anything to hide I am not doing anything and he has access to anthing he wants, me computer, phone whatever. He has accused me of the maintenance man, says Iím looking at men when we are out and about, one time there was a food stain in my car and he said it was a sex stain, he checks the sheets for things, he had my phone hacked and paid somebody well obviously this person was a scam artist that literally just pulled a random contact off of my facebook and said I had been talking to this person, this person is the father of one of my friends! So what happened after that I was accused of messing with a married man and when I plead with him its not true i just get called a liar. I am currently being evicted because he has harrassed the maintenance man but the landlord said she wouldnít put it on blast and would say I left on good terms. I would be so DONE if evertime he didnít come to me crying begging for my forgiveness and saying he thinks he has a sickness and needs help. I have to literally get to the point where I tell him Iím done throw all his stuff out and cut ties before he realizes heís wrong and starts to panic and cry saying he believes me. I have tried the gentle approach to this also in the beginning I would say, I have not done anything baby why do you think you are feeling this way its ok to be scared but Iím not cheating on you, this never worked with him, he would just keep calling me a liar. It has happened so many times now that I literally just tell him to get out anytime he starts accusing me. We have tried counseling, do you think he may be bipolar and maybe needs meds? He goes through cycles of paranoia, anger, accusing and regret and panic. My last day in the apartment is next week should I go to CA where my mom and sister are and get away from him or is there a chance he can really stop doing this to me?
    Last edited by Gatorgirl34; 04-20-2018 at 11:49 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this but these are all signs of an abusive relationship from the quick involvement to insisting he monitor you and control you and pathological jealousy and chronic anger. Read up on Cycles of Violence. Red Flags For Abusive Relationships.

    Yes run and get help from your friends and family and let them know what is going on. Expect things to escalate when you try to escape, including threats and using your child to torture you. Start sending all important papers to you family in advance. Start changing your address on all important mail. Start changing passwords on all important accounts. Stop letting him sift through your devices. Plan your escape carefully and secretly.
    Originally Posted by Gatorgirl34
    He goes through cycles of paranoia, anger, accusing and regret and panic. My last day in the apartment is next week should I go to CA where my mom and sister are and get away from him or is there a chance he can really stop doing this to me?

  3. #3
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    Thank you, I guess I just keep holding on because we are kind of all he has you know? Both his parents are dead, his brother and sister dontí help much and I know we mean a lot to him. He was in a relationship in the past where she cheated all the time, Iíve tried to understanding but he can simply not keep treating me like Iím her. I would feel horrible for leaving him here all alone but maybe thats part of how he has me trapped emotionally I guess.

  4. #4
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    Get out of this! This man is emotionally abusive. This is also very harmful for our baby.

    He will not change, due to his insecurities.

    Leave him!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this but these are all signs of an abusive relationship from the quick involvement to insisting he monitor you and control you and pathological jealousy and chronic anger. Read up on Cycles of Violence. Red Flags For Abusive Relationships.

    Yes run and get help from your friends and family and let them know what is going on. Expect things to escalate when you try to escape, including threats and using your child to torture you. Start sending all important papers to you family in advance. Start changing your address on all important mail. Start changing passwords on all important accounts. Stop letting him sift through your devices. Plan your escape carefully and secretly.
    Yes I agree with this and was going to say the same things. He won't get any help until he hits bottom and realizes he needs it. His controlling ways won't lessen, he needs help to work thru whatever is behind this. You cant do it for him, he has to do it.

    Yes move to where your mother is, dont tell him where and when you are leaving, just pack and go.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Gatorgirl34
    Thank you, I guess I just keep holding on because we are kind of all he has you know? Both his parents are dead, his brother and sister dontí help much and I know we mean a lot to him. He was in a relationship in the past where she cheated all the time, Iíve tried to understanding but he can simply not keep treating me like Iím her. I would feel horrible for leaving him here all alone but maybe thats part of how he has me trapped emotionally I guess.
    You are not his ex. He will punish you forever. This is about him. He sounds unbalanced.

    Stop allowing this. You will stay with this jerk because he lacks family. I don't understand this? He treats you like crap.

  8. #7
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    We have a psychiatrist appointment set up for him is it possible he has obsessive thoughts and needs to be on medication?

  9. #8
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    He does realize he needs help now, like I said we have been to therapy and now is going to move forward with a psychiatrist to figure out if maybe he needs medication for obsessive thoughts

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    No, do not stay. Go now before you've wasted 13 years and you have 3 kids (whom I adore and would not trade for the world). I'm sure you realize that I say this from experience. It's a horrible way to live and he will not change. My job was basically keeping him happy. If he was upset, I did everything to try and fix it. I avoided situations that had the potential to upset him or make him suspicious, such as having any male friends, walking too close to a male, sitting too close to a male, even looking in the direction of a male!

    Wiseman has given you great advice! I fell for the "I'm sorry" way too many times. It wasn't easy but I eventually cut him completely out of my life. Unfortunately he makes very little effort to see his children, but that's probably for the best.

    Please know you can do this! You must do this. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to recover from the mental abuse.

  11. #10
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    I am afraid of what its making me, because I dontí cowar down to it I try to fight him back and I know one day either I will snap and kill him or he will hurt me, if it doenstí stop, I just keep feeling like surely he can stop, surely he can learn to trust again, before I take his son halfway across the USA away from him, I know it will crush him. But its slowly killing me

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