What’s your definition of baggage?

I went on a date with a guy a few days ago. Really I just did just to put myself out there again. Anywho, during the date, he wanted to talk about our past relationships (eyeroll) and during the conversation, he mentioned how he doesnt want to deal with a girl who has baggage. Im thinking to myself “well I got a lot of baggage so idk how thats gonna work out” (plus he wants something serious and Im just looking to have fun at the moment).

I was explaining this to my hairdresser who is a couple years older than me and she doesnt think I have baggage (i think i have emotional baggage). She thinks baggage is someone who has kids, previously married, abusive relationship, dont got their ish together, etc. She says bc Im educated, I got my own, I know what I want, yadda yadda, that I dont have baggage.

So clearly We have two different definitions of baggage so I am curious.... what do you think baggage means??

To me baggage in a negative/impactful way would be someone whose past was going to negatively impact their chances of being in a healthful relationship in the future. So, bitterness from a messy divorce, kids where there is a custody battle ongoing, etc. Some people define it as anything from the past that is part of the package- an ex spouse, kids, etc.

I dated a recovering drug addict a few times and to me he still had drug-related baggage from what he said and from how he acted. That was baggage I did not choose to deal with. And of course baggage to some is no big deal to someone else.

This guy might not have "baggage" but he has a cynical attitude that would be a turn off for me. Also if he's looking for something serious and you're not there's no point in seeing him again IMO.

I went on a date with a guy a few days ago. Really I just did just to put myself out there again. Anywho, during the date, he wanted to talk about our past relationships (eyeroll) and during the conversation, he mentioned how he doesnt want to deal with a girl who has baggage. Im thinking to myself “well I got a lot of baggage so idk how thats gonna work out” (plus he wants something serious and Im just looking to have fun at the moment).

 

I was explaining this to my hairdresser who is a couple years older than me and she doesnt think I have baggage (i think i have emotional baggage). She thinks baggage is someone who has kids, previously married, abusive relationship, dont got their ish together, etc. She says bc Im educated, I got my own, I know what I want, yadda yadda, that I dont have baggage.

 

So clearly We have two different definitions of baggage so I am curious.... what do you think baggage means??

Well, I disagree with your hair dresser that kids are “ baggage “, they are people.

This guy is looking for a relationship that is serious .You’re looking to have fun just won’t work so no real point in it . Baggage or no baggage.

Baggage, quite simply, is anything / anyone (personally agree that calling kids "baggage" is a bit cold, but it fits in the intended envelope) that would come as an additional responsibility or burden on top of a healthy and equitable partnership.

Things like previous traumas, health issues, children, etc. aren't intrinsically baggage for the other person to carry, though. It all depends on how well you can carry those things on your own. Still, taking such matters into account, there are some odds being introduced that many people simply would rather not entertain, which is fair enough.

If you're telling yourself you've got a lot of baggage because you know that you've got insecurities, anger, or whatever else that will spill into the relationship dynamic, it's up to you to work on yourself to lighten that load so that you can carry it on your own in order to reduce or, ideally, eliminate the chances of unfairly unloading on your partner.

Well....generally speaking it's all baggage. Meaning that her definition and your definition aren't at odds with each other. Only question is what kind of baggage is a person willing to deal with. Anything that the person is carrying with them that you aren't willing to deal with can be called baggage really.

For me personally, a person without baggage, aka a good relationship potential, is someone who is in a good place mentally, emotionally and otherwise have their life together in a way that they are genuinely open to forming a new bond and getting into a relationship with a new person.

That said, I agree with above posters that you and this guy are looking for different things and I would bet in his mind, you not being ready emotionally to form a new relationship would be baggage that he doesn't want to waste his time on. It's quite possible that he might have sensed you aren't there and so was blunt with you about it. That's not necessarily a bad thing. You need to go have some fun and get to a place where you are wanting a relationship again. He needs to go find someone who is there today.

Anywho, during the date, he wanted to talk about our past relationships (eyeroll) and during the conversation, he mentioned how he doesnt want to deal with a girl who has baggage.

That's an oddly judgmental question. As another poster says, it's basically all baggage. Sounds to me like he has baggage, to be honest.

There's lots of definitions of baggage, as you can see from reading the responses here. We all have some sort of baggage, it's what kind it is and if you choose to deal with a person who has certain types of baggage. As for that guy, I'd tell him to hit the road.

I went on a date with a guy a few days ago. Really I just did just to put myself out there again. Anywho, during the date, he wanted to talk about our past relationships (eyeroll) and during the conversation, he mentioned how he doesnt want to deal with a girl who has baggage. Im thinking to myself “well I got a lot of baggage so idk how thats gonna work out” (plus he wants something serious and Im just looking to have fun at the moment).

 

I was explaining this to my hairdresser who is a couple years older than me and she doesnt think I have baggage (i think i have emotional baggage). She thinks baggage is someone who has kids, previously married, abusive relationship, dont got their ish together, etc. She says bc Im educated, I got my own, I know what I want, yadda yadda, that I dont have baggage.

 

So clearly We have two different definitions of baggage so I am curious.... what do you think baggage means??

I reject the term baggage. We are all sums of our experiences. We bring to the table advantages and disadvantages. It's not always in balance, some people have more of one than the other.

Baggage is a pejorative term that has become popular in dating forums and on online dating sites. If you don't like something about someone, don't date them. I don't see the point in this pseudo classification system known as baggage.

Anything that can't fit in the overhead bin.

Anything that can't fit in the overhead bin.

I had someone message me the other day and say, he had no baggage, etc. etc. I said... well I can't say I have none, but I have unpacked most of it and it is the size of a small carry on now.

I am ALWAYS skeptical of someone that says they have no baggage... but now I am starting to see that different people have different definitions of baggage. I think baggage is what makes people interesting.

Honestly, it sounds like this guy you went on a date with has some baggage of his own. I mean, who says that kind of thing to someone they barely know? It's rude, a downright a-holey thing to say, and is cynical like another user said. It sounds like he has been burned by some girls he dated in the past and is "checking" to make sure you aren't another one.

Everyone has stuff they have to deal with from the past. It is only perceived as baggage if it really weighs you down in the present, hence the term. So, even if you are emotionally impacted by the past, as long as you don't let it affect your relationships then you have nothing to worry about! Sometimes we are given baggage that we can't help, but if you deal with it in a healthy way it doesn't matter. If not, you should try to work on it, ideally before committing to a relationship.

I agree since you are not keen on being serious, then you should state this to whomever you date, including this guy, until you feel ready. It is only right to do so. Just say you only want to casually date.

So how did you respond when he told you that?

You posted you told "yourself" you had baggage so it probably would not work but what did you tell him?

If it were me and a man told me that, that is my cue to ask him to define "baggage." How HE defines it.

So as to give me more clarity to determine if we're a good "fit."

That said, I agree with Sportster 100%.

As he said we are all sums of our experience and no matter positive or negative every experience has shaped us into who we are today.

Hopefully, stronger and wiser.

I've had wonderful experiences, some really horrific too, but would not trade any of it for anything!

Baggage to me is still dealing w/an ex despite being broken up, like still meeting up w/them or keeping in contact. That is a huge deal breaker for me because I dealt w/guys who still had ties and they still cared for their ex. Most people have a history, its what they do now that counts.

Honestly, it sounds like this guy you went on a date with has some baggage of his own. I mean, who says that kind of thing to someone they barely know? It's rude, a downright a-holey thing to say, and is cynical like another user said. It sounds like he has been burned by some girls he dated in the past and is "checking" to make sure you aren't another one.

 

 

That’s exactly what he was doing. He last dated a girl who had a child and not over her last boyfriend; his last relationship his girlfriend accepted the proposal of her last boyfriend. So I get why he wanted to see what I was about but still, I prefer not to talk about previous relationships on a first date.

So how did you respond when he told you that?

 

You posted you told "yourself" you had baggage so it probably would not work but what did you tell him?

 

If it were me and a man told me that, that is my cue to ask him to define "baggage." How HE defines it.

 

He was talking about his past relationships and how the last two girls still werent over their exes essentially. I didnt respond to that comment particularly, I just made a mental note about how I didnt think it would work out. I get he’s been hurt and doesnt wanna go through that again (hell, neither do I). He also made a comment about how “he’s far from insecure” which clearly, If you have to state it, you probably are. We are all insecure in some kind of way so it was weird to make a statement about that.