You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[mikeca]

you could be william shakespeare with that letter but if she is in that mindset it will all be in vain. stay strong..respect yourself first.

[BONO]

you could be william shakespeare with that letter but if she is in that mindset it will all be in vain. stay strong..respect yourself first.

 

 

Bingo - nuff said !

 

 

Scruff

[SuperDave71]

grkn,

 

I couldn't agree more with what scruffism and mike'ca have to say. You're making excuses to contact her one way or the other. Plain and simple..th answer is to leave her alone and not say a word about it. Let your actions speak ...not text or a letter.

 

 

Careful ...ya might learn something.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[FelixXavier]

Super... or Dave, whichever name of brevity you prefer.

 

Here is my history, if you care to indulge:

 

So.. I followed your plan of NC for about a week, and it started driving her crazy. Calling me on Friday, Saturday night.. texting me.. etc, etc. I broke NC and told her on Sunday I was going to pick up my things this week once and for all.

 

I go to her house last night, ostensibly to pick up the rest of my things.

 

We sleep together.

 

No relationship talk, no resolution. Just pure, unadulterated sex.

 

I'm still in love with her, I'm really not sure if she is (she ended the relationship, but initiated the sex, and even went so far to ask if I was going to 'stick around and hang out for a little bit' after i 'got my stuff').

 

Suggestions?

 

 

[circlesandcircles]

I have been reading posts here for the last two weeks trying to make sense out of all that is happening to me right now. My story is a long one but but i am currently in NC and am having a hard time. My bf of about a year was planning to move out here. We have been LD though we have seen each other once a month. He started to pull away and freak out and I pushed. He and I began to fight and he ended up breaking up with me and then backing up and asking for space. After about one and a half months I went to see him and he made the breakup official. He told me he wanted to be on his own to make changes for himself. I was so devastated becuase he had told me I was the love of his life. We spent the weekend together and kissed and hugged and cried. It was so strange my best friend just walked out of my life. This is somone who told me I was it. This is someone who I have amazing memories. We have some difficult issues. I am a couple of years older than him. We were in a LDR. I want to roconcile. Its astrange word because we didn't leave on bad terms at all. In fact it was left as right now I want to be on my own. I don't know if I will come back into your life in that way but I will never know if I don't try this on my own. When I got back from the visit he called me alot. Then it stopped. There may be another girl in the picture. He told me there was not but at the very least they have become good friends. It is now 2 weeks of NC. I was the last one tp call though he had called several times before I put that in. I feel so sad like he is gone forever. He just moved out of state closer to me but still far. I know the girl was not that important to him but i feel so lost. How could he forget that he loved me so much. I wrestle with what all people here do can they just forget of they really loved you. He is young so I understand his desire to go out on his own and yet one month before the breakup he was ready to move here to be with me. I feel like it is cold feet but he seems as if he is having the time of his life. I know NC is for me to regain my sanity and yet its not that easy. I wonder if he will call or if all of our memories and us together was truly that forgetable. He is having fun and I am beginning to go out. I just miss him so much. Will he call or should I give up as it has been 2 weeks with no communication and three and a half since he has called me?

[grkn]

True, it's probably the best way. Although "Do nothing" is a bit misleading, you should do lots of stuff, date, learn what it takes to make a solid relationship, work on your communication skills, in general make yourself more interesting and a better partner. And if there is possibility that you'll meet your ex, look well and happy. I'll post an update in a month hehe. thanks.

[SuperDave71]

Felix,

 

Oh man...I am at a loss for words right now. I am feeling a bit vaclempt. Talk amongst ya selves.

 

 

-SuperDave71 HA HA HA HA

[Rickster]

SuperDave, I respect you sincerely. You've been on this forums for ages helping other people when you need not. Your advice is invaluable even though it's so hard to follow when I was disillusioned. I actually regret my actions, but most of my actions took place before I found this forums. I panic a lot and made a mess of everything. So those people who are reading this forums, the advice could't be said better. Just keep a cool head and things will work out. Even though it hasn't for me but I have trust in faith.

 

tomorrow is my 18th birthday, and I've made my mind to give her a call, cause the next day after that I'm flying off for a long holiday. Or maybe I should wait for her call, if she would actually call me.

 

Thank you SuperDave

[SuperDave71]

Rickster,

 

No words can express my sincere thank you. I remember how lost I was when I found this foum. I made the mistakes, left all alone, I felt lost and I didn't know what to do. I have been there, lived it and got through it.

 

It's people like yourself Rickster that MAKE IT HAPPEN. All we need is a little guidance and alot of motivation to realize that the very thing that helps us....is within ourselves.

 

You have shown this forum that despite your mistakes, that you have learned from them and you going to be fine. I wish you a very happy birthday and I hop that you too can pass your knowledge on to those who need help.

 

I wish you all the best my friend and I am here i you need me.

 

 

Take care and thank you again,

 

 

SuperDave71

[JohnnyTable]

Rickster, don't call her on your birthday. What's the point?

 

I had an ex that didn't call on my b-day which was a few months after we broke up. It actually helped me move forward, because I realized that she was never going to call (and she didn't and its been a few years).

[DCMann2]

I made most of the classic mistakes before I found this forum, and I continue to make small mistakes as time continues to pass, but they're not nearly as serious as the ones I originally made. My ex and I have apologized to each other for the way we treated each other after the split, and we're now on much better terms, but it still hurts to talk to her knowing that she's with someone else, which is why I don't talk to her nearly as much as when we first split. I guess I'm just trying to get the message accross to her that I'm not always going to be there for her whenever she wants to talk to me, even though it's so hard for me not to talk to her. I still want to be with her, but it's only a want. I used to feel like I needed to be with her, but now I know that it I just want it. If she's willing to see me some time down the road, then we'll see what happens after that. I might get some closure, or I might get signs that she may want to get back together. Only time will tell, though, and in the meantime, I'm going to continue living my life as best I can.

[SuperDave71]

Well said DCMann2

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[lonestar_80]

Dave,

 

I am sorry you are frustrated, but my question to you is...are you upset that he doesn't call? Or...are you upset at yourself for what happened?

 

Thanks for the advice Dave! You are so right. What made me upset was the fact, that I am mad at myself for what happened. I spent the last two years dating guys without having any sexual relationships, and then all of a sudden I give into this guy. It really did not make any sense to me. I also feel bad for him because I can't understand how he can be so manipulative and deceptive. Does he have a heart or a soul, or is he just depraved?

 

Since I have only been in three relationships, I have never experienced the "game" from players. But this guy came to me like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He is the nice guy player...he is worst type of player there is b/c you don’t know if he is sincere or not. I just have to forgive myself for falling for his BS.

 

BTW...Now all of a sudden he keeps calling me. Typical player...don't give them too much, but don't give them too little.

[SuperDave71]

Hey Lonestar,

 

The way you play a player is NOT to play (again )

 

 

You can do it.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[chris_nos_2007]

Ok so me and my ex broke up a week and a half ago. She broke up with me because she said I wasnt giving her as much attention as I used to. We have been together for a year and 7 months. I miss her so much right now. We have hung out a couple times since we broke up. However I keep contacting her and now I find out that the real reason for the breakup is she has never really experienced being single and wants to be with her friends and that she is havign a good time. She still says she loves me and misses me to her mom and friends. Her mom and I are pretty close as well I have talked to her on the phone numerous times since the breakup because it makes me feel better. I have given her a lot during the relationship and she has left this stuff still up in her room. I have stopped by and called many times since the breakup and she says she needs time and when I do this it just makes her feel like were still together. She still wants to talk but she wants to be the one to call me or if we hang out we need to agree on a date. She is also talking to one specific guy and getting to know him better which really hurts me. It really bothers me how much we loved each other and she knows how hurt I am right now and she doesnt even seem to feel bad. I really want to get her back but im scared this wont happen. She is always hanging out with one specific friend she never hung out with when we went out and she hangs out with her and her boyfriend which I would think theyd find annoying. I have been praying a lot lately and putting this broken relationship in Gods hands. My last words to her were im going to marry you someday. What should I do?

[Rickster]

JohnnyTable, it's too late, I already called her. But I don't regret calling her. I'm confident in doing it and I know what I was doing, and we didn't even talk long (she was going out for dinner so didn't want to disturb her). I don't mind it, just nice to keep in touch. Didn't wish me, but I'm not worried, didn't want to hear those words and numbers anyway (I'm getting old and I hate getting old).

 

chris_nos, maybe you should try to forget about your past relationship with her. Since you hang out quite often, which is atleast a step closer to forming a relationship. Try to forget what you did together. It might work. I do warn you, I'm no magician.

[ladykisses23]

I wish I would have read this post a year ago... I could have saved me and him alot of pain

[SuperDave71]

Lady,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

 

As long as you have learned from your mistakes..that is all that matters.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[iceman85]

Chris_noz your situation sounds almost exactly like mine. My girlfriend seemed really concerned that she could possibly be with someone for the rest of her life and right now i think she wants to not have the constraint of the relationship. She said that shes someone who cant be with someone for a long time, that her feelings faded, she doesnt love me like someone in a year and a half relationship should, her feelings are gone etc.

 

Come to find out shes hanging out with a new group of friends, drinking, smoking both things she never really did. She is also intrested in another guy and i dont know if their going out or not but she spends time with him and with other guys who are friends. I know how you feel because I felt like she doesnt care about me one bit if she can go off and do that to me, how can she? But i'm sure somewhere in both of our girls they feel for us and they know that what they have done has hurt us alot and its gotta be tough on them to some degree.

 

I think both of our exes are using their new friends to try and cope to some degree. My ex told me she loved me when i was walking out of her house the last time i saw her after i said it on the way out. It really confused me because It didnt make sense she would do what shes done if she felt that way.

 

Do yourself a favor, go NC with her like i'm doing, they have to miss us in order for them to realize what we mean to them. If we hang around in their lives as a friend then they know they've got us there and that they have no risk really of losing us completley. If we mean alot to them things have a chance. Keep your head up and read my threads, if you want any advice i'm here for ya

[SuperDave71]

Lonestar,

 

 

You still out there in Internet Land? How are you?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[sadk]

Wow, just found this place and it's giving me a lot of insight.

 

The past few months I learned a lot without realizing it. it's all gelling here from reading this thread. I'm only on page 20 of this thread and had to say something.

 

I've done NC a few times, and I just realized the power of it. Now, my situation is a little different. My ex lives in Boston, I'm in Montreal. That's a five our drive and a different country! Every time I have been NC for even short periods (days), she contacts me. But if I write her three e-mails in a given day, I might get one back, and she rarely responds to all the things I've raised even if it's significant.

 

She used to be obsessed with me. Even a couple of months after we split, she'd read my e-mails. (I assumed it was going to be a short breakup and let her read them.) Once, I joined a relationship board to talk about my problems. It was a board I'd used before I met my ex and she knew about it. Well, under the guise of looking for help for herself, she found my posts and was outraged that people said she was using me as a safety net and that I didn't defend her.

 

I'm also on a writers forum where she is also a member and she recently told me that she only goes in there to check out what I've posted. So, she's still interested.

 

As I say, ANY time I opted for NC, she hated it.

 

I read recently that when someone is feeling ambivalent about a relationship, if you push them, you're pushing them to the other side. I actually attempted to prove to her that she loved me. And I had great evidence! She DID (and I believe still does) love me, but what the hell was I thinking? Someone says they don't love me and I think I can prove to them that they do with evidence???

 

That was dumb.

 

We've been talking lately, but she's clearly not ready to think of us as a couple. She says we're friends, but her ACTIONS are not so much those of a friend as someone who is calculating what a friend might do, and oten it's like "what is the bare bones minimum a friend would do here?". I think deep down she very much loves me, but is trying to ACT like a friend, maybe to test me and see if I'm going to be possessive again, which I'm not.

 

For me, though, a big thing is that if we are going to get back together, I'd like for both of us to be able to look back on this time as nonaggressive, as two people who still cared about each other and helped each other. So, I have to back away slowly. And I CAN tell her some version of "I need space", I'll just tell her I'm working on a new book or something. Tomorrow, I'm going away for the weekend. I'll be out of touch. I'm not going to tell her. She hasn't responded to an e-mail that I wrote with very important news a couple of days ago. I was quite surprised. But it opens the door for me not to tell her I'll be away for the weekend since we're out of touch (apparently). I don't want to bug her, do I.

 

And we do have a situation where we are offering comments on each other's writing and she HAS been there for me even during a two month NC time, so I owe her that just from the business side of things. I'm just going to be a little more businesslike about it.

 

I'm getting it. And I feel better already. Thanks everyone.

 

Sean

[sadk]

Man, this reminds me of a day ... I haven't really done NC in the past three months because I felt like I was so insensitive for so many months, I wanted to try being a friend. But this one day, something irked me. We use Skype to talk because it's free. So, she'll typically send me an email asking if I want to Skype. One afternoon, I got this e-mail, and she wanted to chat "but it would have to be fast". It bugged me that it would "have to be fast". So, I didn't respond. So, she sent another e-mail a few minutes later. Then another one that said, "Guess your busy or not there, just wanted to see how today went" and said maybe we could chat after jer kid went to bed at 8:30 "for a few minutes". I was busy, but I told her I was running some heavy duty software and had to turn my e-mail off and told her how the day went. I figured now we didn't have to "chat for a few minutes". E-mail #4 came at 6:30. E-mail #5 came at 9:11, which is mormally when she's asleep by. Not wanting to appear rude, I waited till 9:40 to send a reply, basically apologizing for having my e-mail turned off most of the day. I was sure she'd be asleep. Two minutes later came e-mail #6 saying she was still awake. Before it even arrived though, she called my cell phone, playfully admonished me for having my e-mail off, and asked if I wanted to call her with Skype.

 

I should've said I was heading to bed. But we talked for half an hour and as I recall, it was nice.

 

And this has always been my downfall. Something like that happens and I think everything is cool between us and I start acting "familiar". But it wasn't really cool at all. She started to back away, no meaningful contact for days after that. Just like SD talked about in the birdseed thread.

 

I've had blinders on.

 

Sean

[SuperDave71]

Sadk,

 

 

Thank you for the credit but I do believe MAJORD posted the birdseed thread.

 

I cannot take any credit for that reference. (But I do like it)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[jeffreyt]

Some great stuff here I'm on day 5 of NC and today was the toughest day yet not sure why but it was feel better right now then earlier when I almost sent an email ughhhhh good thing I didn't my question is I live in a small town and I know I'm going to run int o her sometime soon plus we work out at the same place thought I kinda changed my work out time but eventally I will see her out what is the best way to react when you see you ex out, or what if she sends me an email saying how is everything? Any feedback would be greatly appreicated

[sadk]

I've joined the ranks of NC. Today I e-mailed my ex to tell her that I completely understood her not responding to my e-mails this week, that the situation is probably a little weird right now and she needed some space. I then told her that I was going away to a cottage for a few days and that I'd have no internet access and that I didn't want her to worry. I turned off my cell phone too. She called right away and left a message saying there was no weirdness, she's just been busy (bull) and that she didn't realize she'd not responded to my e-mails (bull), but if I wanted I could call her. On Sunday night she's going to receive an e-mail from an ex-gf of mine saying that I decided to stay at the cottage this week and that I didn't want her to worry.

 

The thing is, we've been friends much of the time since we split, and a couple of times I've asked for space, only to go back on that. So, I feel kind of dumb just saying I need some space. Better to "get out of town" for a week.

 

When I return, if there's an e-mail, I'll answer it briefly. And from here on, I'm not volunteering anything. I'll respond to e-mails that seek a response, but she had asked me to let her know about things that are happening. She and I are both in a writers' forum and she can read my news there along with everyone else. I'm kind of pissed off because she spends more time responding to strangers in that forum than she has to my e-mails, which is fine, but don't tell me you're "busy".

 

The same day I found this forum, I read an interesting document that talked about how if you love someone, you will also love their walls. I feel my ex is putting up walls and I want to get the message to her that I understand her having walls (something I was terrible at before) and that I don't think it's bad to have walls, that respecting them and understanding them can be a great way to get closer to someone.

 

Sean