You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[Juha]

Hi SD, long time no talk....Well I am doing good and have been for a while...

 

I have been meeting alot of women since November and going out but I really have not met anyone I have a connection with, there have been some who wanted me but I did not want them...

 

I will be sitting there watching a movie, having a meal, etc... I will be thinking "why am I here?" Basically, they are nice people and I really don't want anything more from them than some friendship and sex....So I have taken myself out of the game for a while as dating just does not satisfy me one bit...

 

Update on my ex. A... I think I may have missed my chance of us getting back together...Around the end of November she started contacting me and was different towards me...This went on through the holidays and we would text or email...I was not ready to do anything but LC as I was taking care of me and healing...

 

SO we stay in LC for awhile and I am getting stronger all the time...I come to find out through a friend that she broke up with the guy she started seeing after me (the rebound)... Well I layed low and she emailed me out of the blue telling me what she is up to and to call her sometime...I was not ready to as I did not feel I would put my best out to her...So I am finally ready to call her and see what happens and I find out she is seeing someone new...So we go on emailing and texting back and forth..

 

We are joking around and talking like old times and then in my last email I ask her if she would like to get together for a coffee and hang out...She has not sent an email back, she always answered right away and now silence...SO I guess I have my answer...

 

Now I have been thinking back a few months and it appeared that if I had put myself out there to her... I am back to being myself again, on top of what I learned and have been working on changing... We might be back together now...

 

Now I am ready and she is seeing someone else..I swear I have no luck or timing at all... I can't say that it does not bother me, because it does...

 

ANyone who would like to give some advice besides SD go right ahead...

[Juha]

I wanted to add...I have thought alot about the relationship and I don't just miss being with someone, anyone...

 

I miss her, everything about her, good and bad...I have all this emotion for her and all I can do is keep writing about it...

 

I have never felt this way about anyone...I never have put anyone else ahead of myself except A and have never had any problems moving on before whether I am the dumper or dumpee...

[Jackrider]

SuperDave you know something you are a GOD gift to poor souls like us.The way you have understood the situation and analysed it is pure piece of mastery,you have just captured whatever was going through my mind.

Now let me explain the things you have pointed out here. The reason for my repeating my moves was that I wanted to prove to her that I haven't come back to play with her feelings or something and this time I am absolutely serious.I felt that she would be uncertain what my intentions could be as she had been hurt before by me.So just to drive home that point I called her a few times and finally went all the way to meet her.I felt at least after this there would be no doubt in her mind whether I love her or not.

The reason I went for her despite knowing she was going around with someone is that I knew she had strong feelings for me and they wouldn't die down so soon.Her saying No NO repeatedly was also expected as I wouldn't have expected anyone with self respect to say YES immediately,so I kept on pursuing.The problem is the presense of this man in her life though I would like to tell you that when I met her she repeatedly told me that she is committed to him and at the same time said that she has been thinking about the entire thing since I have reentered the scene(why would she rethink if she were committed and very happy in that relationship??).I felt that she was saying lots of contradictory things which perhaps conveys that she was confused.After coming back from her city I had decided that I had done enough to prove my love and if she loves me as well she would come on her own so i didn't try to contact her for a few days.But when I did try to call her I realized she had changed her phone number.I can get her number easily(and she knows it as well) but didn't want to stoop down to such low levels.Now I haven't communicated with her(100% NC) for a month.Also she had mentioned when we talked that her friends said lots of bad things about me but she always felt I was a good man and she still respected me as a person.Please tell me if it would be possible to get her back.Could her old feelings rekindle or has she completely moved on me??(I know I was the first person she fell in love with)…The only thing that could help me is a feeling in her that this is the man I loved and he left me for some time and now he is back and has proved his loyalty,but the problem is the presense of this guy as well.

As far as I m concerned after being in hell for quite some time I have started to improve,especially after reading this link.I have hit the gym and been working out really hard to look my best.And to answer your most important question I did ask this to myself and the answer I got is I love her and would want to spend the rest of my life with her,given the option.

So you said I cant get her back like this but I explained the reason to do all this was just to prove my commitment to her and not to act like a jerk.Now what do you think can get her back or is it possible at all given the situation??

 

I would go by whatever you say.

[sadk]

Juha, I know the feeling. These are tough times, my friend.

 

"Do you have the patience to wait

till your mud settles and the water is clear?

Can you remain unmoving

till the right action arises by itself?"

Tao te Ching

 

 

Sean

[SuperDave71]

Anybody heard from Jackrider?

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Juha]

SD could you go back one page and read what I posted...

 

Thanks

 

Juha

[SuperDave71]

Jacy,

 

As far as I am concerned, if you can't accomplish full NC....do what you can to be friendly without going out of your way. In other words, if they speak with you, make it brief. If they see you, smile but don't walk over and start talking...do what you can to be pleasant but do not give them the attention they are hoping to receive.

 

Most people that dump others, sometimes feel guilty and would like to be friends right after a breakuip for two reasons.

 

1) So they do not feel like the bad guy

 

2) To keep you around for support, a safety net or if they have nothing else to do.

 

 

I say,..NO WAY. DO NOT give in regardless. Do you best to give your attention elsewere. Please noticed I said be pleasant. I did not say be friendly. The difference is, friendly means walking over to say hello or possibly going to lunch. Pleasant is smiling. If they ask you a question, answer it and smile as you walk away. If they want to talk about the relationship, tell them "That's over now". Let's move on.

 

Trust me....they will wonder what you are up to.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

 

 

P.S. Juda...I am getting to ya my friend.

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Juha,

 

If she is seeing someone else....let it go (again) for now. To me, this is a trapeeze act. ( Read the Grab the popcorn post ) The situation seems when you are not ready, she leaves...when she is ready ..you leave or are indifferent. Have you discussed your relationship in detail with her besides saying you love one another and that you are interested in reconcilliation?

 

The way NOT to play a game is simply NOT TO PLAY. Do you guys still talk or is she too busy with her new boyfriend. Plain and simple, I seriously do not believe SHE is ready for a serious relationship with you. If she were, her actions would have told you. She seems almost bored so she went to find something to by her time because she wasn't getting it from you.

 

You need to take time to ask yourself if you are able enough to try and work things out. Can you handle the relationship again? Have the issues been resolved or is it that you share a common bond and you are familiar with one another?

 

YOu need to figurer out what YOU want my friend. You sound like you are doing MUCh better and I would hate to think you are falling backwards.

 

I know you love her but I am concerned that old issues are NOT being resolved and wanting to get back together because you are both alone.

 

Besides the fact that you love her, why do you want her back? Why would you assume she would want YOU back? Ask yourself these questions and see if you can get an answer you can understand.

 

Be true to yourself and the rest will follow.

 

 

I am sooo glad you are doing MUCH beter. Do not be such a stranger.

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[Juha]

SD

 

Good tohear from you...I am so much better...I took care of what needed to be taken care of and looked inwardly to see what I was doing and why...

Now, I am me again but better inside and out...

 

I don't know what is up with her and this guy, I don't trouble myself with it...

He means nothing to me...I have been seeing a bunch of girls since NOvember...

 

Back in the winter when she was contacting me and being different, I was not ready...I was still taking care of me and finding myself...

 

The problems I had were not from her and the breakup they were other things I had going on, although the breakup did not help...

 

We have not discussed anything about the relationship...

 

SD the problem was I was messed up, not myself and treated her like crap, so she left after me being that way for a few months..Everything was great between us until I started to slide down with my issues, unfortunately I did not listen to anyone and ignored the world, including her...I hurt her very very badly..

 

SD, I have thought long and hard if I would want to get back with her. Besides that I love her more than anyone, WE were very good together, have a great connection you just don't find very often...

 

I don't know if she has thought about me or getting back together...I am not assuming she wants to get back together...

SHe is the type of person who protects herself and does not let people in...She let me in but that took time and understanding on my part...

 

We have not really talked much at all since the break...I went NC for months...When she contacts me it is email or text, she never calls...

I have not called her at all until last Friday, I left a message and she called me back...We talked for a little bit nothing heavy just what was going on and how weve been...That is the first time we have talked on the phone since I don't know when...We ahve not seen each other since NOvember and there was still sparks there between us...

 

Now I don't know...I do know I am not falling back, just trying to let her see that I am not the same person she left and if there is anything there still...

 

I could handle the relationship again... What I want is her...I don't want her back because I am alone...I have plenty of women to occupy myself with....

[Juha]

ALso she has been with men who treat her bad...I did not but when my issues started to affect me I treated her very badly....

 

THat is not me, never has been and never will be again...

 

I would say that deep down inside her feelings for me are still there, but she is very leery about putting herself out there, again for me...

[NCTuskie]

Would appreciate any comments on my situation... Post #1104

[sadk]

Would appreciate any comments on my situation... Post #1104

 

Wow, that sounds strange. Is it possible she was just using you somehow? The whole getting married thing?

 

Sometimes what people say is not what they mean. In the words of the little prince, "Flowers can be so contradictory."

 

Sean

[Jackrider]

Hi SuperDave,

 

I did write a reply to your post and was waiting for ur comments...may be u didnt see it..im posting it again..plzz read and guide....

[Jackrider]

SuperDave you know something you are a GOD gift to poor souls like us.The way you have understood the situation and analysed it is pure piece of mastery,you have just captured whatever was going through my mind.

Now let me explain the things you have pointed out here. The reason for my repeating my moves was that I wanted to prove to her that I haven't come back to play with her feelings or something and this time I am absolutely serious.I felt that she would be uncertain what my intentions could be as she had been hurt before by me.So just to drive home that point I called her a few times and finally went all the way to meet her.I felt at least after this there would be no doubt in her mind whether I love her or not.

The reason I went for her despite knowing she was going around with someone is that I knew she had strong feelings for me and they wouldn't die down so soon.Her saying No NO repeatedly was also expected as I wouldn't have expected anyone with self respect to say YES immediately,so I kept on pursuing.The problem is the presense of this man in her life though I would like to tell you that when I met her she repeatedly told me that she is committed to him and at the same time said that she has been thinking about the entire thing since I have reentered the scene(why would she rethink if she were committed and very happy in that relationship??).I felt that she was saying lots of contradictory things which perhaps conveys that she was confused.After coming back from her city I had decided that I had done enough to prove my love and if she loves me as well she would come on her own so i didn't try to contact her for a few days.But when I did try to call her I realized she had changed her phone number.I can get her number easily(and she knows it as well) but didn't want to stoop down to such low levels.Now I haven't communicated with her(100% NC) for a month.Also she had mentioned when we talked that her friends said lots of bad things about me but she always felt I was a good man and she still respected me as a person.Please tell me if it would be possible to get her back.Could her old feelings rekindle or has she completely moved on me??(I know I was the first person she fell in love with)…The only thing that could help me is a feeling in her that this is the man I loved and he left me for some time and now he is back and has proved his loyalty,but the problem is the presense of this guy as well.

As far as I m concerned after being in hell for quite some time I have started to improve,especially after reading this link.I have hit the gym and been working out really hard to look my best.And to answer your most important question I did ask this to myself and the answer I got is I love her and would want to spend the rest of my life with her,given the option.

So you said I cant get her back like this but I explained the reason to do all this was just to prove my commitment to her and not to act like a jerk.Now what do you think can get her back or is it possible at all given the situation??

 

I would go by whatever you say.

 

 

 

 

Jackrider

[mikeywins21]

GOD I AM DIEING HERE!!! It's been 7 days NC with my ex by phone and 5 days NC threw IM, and she was the last one to e-mail me 5 days ago and I did not respond. Just last night I came home for lunch from work, we get an hour. My ex knows that sometimes I will drive home for luch and check my e-mail and what not. I had an away message up the whole time I was home. Then I had to restart my computer. My AIM loged me back in and it showed I was available, not even one second later her away message went away and she became available as well.

 

 

 

At this point I needed to get back, I was tempted to say Hi at least but I just put a different away message up and then left. Was she hopeing I would IM her or something??? Is she waiting for me to make contact to her. Now I come home from work and she's got another away message up that says "So I'm going to sleep now, having the sweetest dreams.......... OF CHRIS TAKING ME TO CANCUN!!!!" She's got like 3 friends named Chris and they all have g/f's. Is she trying to make me jelouse. She knows that in the past I have called her or IMed her about what her away message ment or what guy she's talking about. I am a jelouse freak (not the reason why the relationship is over) but It just seems that she's trying her hardest to get me to break, and at this point I'm about to.

[NCTuskie]

Is it possible she was just using you somehow? The whole getting married thing?

 

I've kicked that idea around, and it sounds reasonable. But its hard to know for sure with her. I mean she never asked/received anything from me financially (aside from flowers, dinner, etc). On top of that she always offered to pay me back (sometimes I refused, but often accepted to keep things even). Even as far as the JP thing goes, I laid down my own guidelines, and she was agreeable to that. I wish it were that easy... she was using me, and her conscience got the best of her. That would be easier for me to swallow than this that I'm going through.

[starbursts23]

Hi Everybody:

 

I just wanted to say that a lot of you have been very helpful to me, even at the early stages of my situation.

 

I have been reading through a lot of threads on here, and right now I especially am reading through this thread. There is tons of great lessons in here. I am going to continue reading through them and others to help myself.

 

My heart is full of pain right now, and I can't help the hope that we will be together. After all, I am posting on this forum because I want him back right now because of my still-very-strong love for him.

 

Today, after reflecting on the conversation we had just yesterday ; I realize today that I laid all my cards out yesterday and I asked him for the same. Even though I am very sad and my heart yearns for him the way we were...it's not gonna happen right now. We both need time to figure things out. Do I want him back? I am not lying here, yes I do. But he would have to prove to me that I am the only one in his life and he wants to be with me and only me.

 

Right now, I can't, really I can't think about it never happening. I can't help it, right now I need that hope. Yesterday, at the end of the conversation, I told him "I love you very much" and he said, "I love you, too." I was happy and I said "You still love me?" and he said there were still feelings there...he just needed to explore his feelings and sort out things.

 

I hope one day we can work throught his and be together again. I love him to the bottom of my soul. Right now, I am just surviving through each day.

 

A lot of the posts and threads on here say that NC is needed and necessary, and almost all of the threads also strongly suggest that chasing, begging and crying for them to come back will only serve to push them further away. So, I have now been NC with him for 25 hours. He can come to me. I am determined not to chase him...because he is not going to give me different answer now.

 

Anyone who has any more advice for me or wants to talk, please post on my thread. I think it would help to have a group of possbile friends on here that know exactly what I am going through.

 

Thanks

[SuperDave71]

Starburst and anyone else that's having a tough time,

 

 

How ya doin out there?

 

 

SuperDave71

[OCD]

Hi SuperDave71, it's been a while and thought I'd tell you how I'm doing. It's been months since the last time I spoke to my ex. As everyone has said here: Time does Heal. She tried to do the whole stringing me along and "let's be friends" speech. I finally got the guts to put my foot down with her and said no becuase I was getting hurt. So the calls stopped coming in after that final conversation. I'm much better off for it

 

I've been dating and focusing on myself. I feel so much better than I did when I first came onto this site. Thanks to your help and advice I've come a very long way, although I didn't get my ex back.....yet Who knows, but she hasn't contacted me and I'll never be ready to contact her. So I'm going about my life.

 

One door closes and another opens. I ran into a very old friend of mine that actually looked 'me' up. We've been dating now for a month or so. It's made me totally forget about my ex and she treats me much better and we connect much more than me and my ex did. I'm not sure if I'll ever get with my ex again, but I did realize the I had to move on and that someone else is out there more deserving of my love and attention.

 

Thanks again SuperD

[starbursts23]

Hi Everyone:

 

I am very sad today. Before I started work this morning I went into the bathroom and started crying, kinda asking why did this happen and will it ever stop...that sort of thing. I feel like I am on a slippery slope, I keep climbing but my feet sometimes won't grip.

 

My original thread is titled "Wanting to be together again", by me, starbursts23; if anyone wants to know my story.

 

I wish today was Saturday, because I feel so low right now, like I will never get past this pain. It feels like a rock in my chest. Today I just wanted to sit home and cry and basically just wallow. I am supposed to go out late tonight with my roommate, but at this point, I can't see myself going because I just want to crawl in a hole today.

 

Anyone who has advice for me, message me please. I need some help.

 

Thanks,

 

starbursts23

 

P.S. Update. I am slowly getting through the day right now. I am reading this book called "How to Survive The Loss of A Love" by Harold Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove, and Peter McWilliams. I just started reading this morning on the bus to work but I find it very insightful. I will probably read it many times over until I get through this.

 

I am still very sad, but not as bad as this morning. I have been reading more advice on this site and it is helping too.

 

Thanks again everyone! Also, i welcome more advice and tips as I will be up and down like a lot of us will for a long time.

[starbursts23]

Hi SuperDave:

 

I just read in the thread "How to get your ex back (Possibly) with NC" that you are working on a book! I can't wait to read it! Keep us posted on how it goes.

 

Also if you could give me any advice for my situation under "Wanting to be together again" and my latest thread about my "Day of 5 of NC" hell, that'd be great!

 

starbursts23

[Rickster]

BTW hear hear for that entire post. I coulnd't agree with you more, and I think you're very courageous. "Be bold and might forces will come to your aid." Succeed or fail, by showing such courage, you've made the world a better place.

 

Sean

 

sadk, it's all about the confidence. I used to be very scared to call her, because I didn't know what to talk to her about and what she might say and respond to me. But now I don't have such feelings. If you don't have the confidence to do it, just don't, everything seems to mess up that way.

 

I still remember the last time I called her, we chatted on for quite a long time, I guess it went very well. But since then I haven't called her.

[blindreepr]

posted in new thread

[6dalia]

when do you know your ex wants to see you just because he want to see you (as friend), or he want to see you to get back together...I understand the NC but if he call you often and leave messages, when do you know "ok, now I can open my contact line?????

[puppeteer]

my wife just admitted to an affair..and i am beginning the painful process of ending our marriage and healing myself.

 

obviously NC is a good thing for both of us. she needs to go her way and discover who she is and i need to grieve my loss and start rebuilding my life on my own.

 

however, although my heart would love to reconnect with her and make things work, isn't this whole thing of just "do nothing" and see what happens also a way of giving false hope?

 

i'm just a little confused. at this stage i have to give up hope that she and i will ever be together. i have to give up the life that i wanted with my wife. i have to give up her wonderful family and friends..and just refocus on what i had before i met her 5 years ago.

 

NC is great. I agree if you can be strong and suffer through the grief that it will heal both of you...but for those of us who have been cheated on and still love our spouse...is the idea that NC will somehow make them realize the error of their ways and crave us again somewhat cruel in its hopefullness?