You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[jeffreyt]

SuperDave, you're the man what a great help you've been it's greatly appreciated wow I'm in day 6 of NC and yesterday was a bad day until I started reading this thread it really helped me alot here is my story about our breakup and how I almost sent this email out to her yesterday good think I thought with my head instead of my heart I would assume everyone agrees that would have been foolish to send out that email. Now I think I realize why she wants to remain friends right now(sorry it won't happen)

 

 

[SuperDave71]

jeffreyt,

 

 

If an ex, in my opinion, breaks up with YOU...they have NO RIGHT to ask for ANYTHING from you ( friendship, favors, etc ) because there are too many people out there that assume that people will continue to be there AFTER a breakup. It is almost an internal response. The dumper assumes that they can have their cake and eat it to.

 

When a dumpee learns the No Contact rules and applies them respectively, the dumper wonders what is going on because NO ONLY has the saftey net been ripped away, their automatic assumtion that you will be there is toast.

 

The theory of being underestimated has been around for centuries. Granted it is very difficult when your heart is aching to just stop. I am NOT referring to stop loving, but stop the addictive patterns of what used to be.

 

The more you think with your head, the more the drama stops and the mistakes that are associated with "I have blown it with my ex" ...are put into a better light. the more you push....the more you push them away.

 

Some do not agree with the theory of NC, they would prefer Light Contact. I am too bull headed for that personally. I choose to SHOW the ex how it will be instead of telling them. NO call, no texts, no emails, no drunken phone calls, NOTHING. I do not exsist....in their eyes.

 

It's hard..but I believe necessary.

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[jeffreyt]

SuperDave, Thanks your help it's great to hear your comments. It's been almost a full week hard to believe don't laugh at this one but we had a record 31 emails to each other one day during work hours kinda crazy but actually I'm proud of myself for not emailing her even once this week to go from 31 emails responses to 0 is pretty impressive I deserve a drink for that lol. Plus the fact that she works right next door to my business It's amazing I haven't walked over there to say hello so I think the NC is working for ME. I think I know the answer to this but I have feeling she will email me soon asking how is everything going and since I never really said anything about me needing time for myself I was wondering what are your thoughts of sending an email like this I believe you mentioned something like to say in an another post. Your thought please.

 

Hello everything is going fine thanks been really busy with work. I know you needed your space and I’m just taking time for myself and really want to focus on ME right now and do not need distractions. I’m taking time out to focus on what my needs, wants and desires are.

[SuperDave71]

jefferyt,

 

NOPE....NO EMAILS>

 

 

Enough said.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[jeffreyt]

SuperDave, How come I knew you were going to say that ughhh. The part I'm having a hard time figuring out is if and when they start contacting you how do you know when to respond back to either a call, text, or email. There are so many different scenerios that can happen what if she leaves a voice mail saying she needs to talk about us and our future, just an example is there a science behind when to finally respond or what. Just a little confused on this, but I'm actually just trying to focus on myself and not worry about her what she's thinking. Thanks for help Jeff

[sadk]

 

You can tell yourself that, but in the harsh reality. If they want to try again, and wholeheartedly loved you, and wanted to forge a new relationship. They would over come ANY obstacle in the way. They would try their hardest ever to get something that meant that much for them.

 

I don't think you can say this is absolutely true in every case. Sometimes there is strong love, but also hurt, which turns to fear. That person, hurt and scared, might just need some time to heal, so they can gain a new perspective on the relationship.

 

This is where NC helps -- not in making them miss you, but in giving both of you time to grow. If a relationship wasn't working at all, sure, a break up makes sense. But if it was working quite well apart from one small area, sometimes time for each party to grow and time to heal can work wonders.

 

I made the mistake early on in my breakup of not giving her space. I didn't know any better. I do now.

 

Sean

[sadk]

Have you thought that she might be scared to tell you that she wants you back after what she has put you through. Just because they did something wrong doesn't mean you do the same, it just makes the whole thing worse.

 

I agree with this. When I think bac to the start of my relationship, she was making all the forward movement, doing all the courageous acts that get two people from friends to lovers. She put her heart on the line. While I just sat back and let it happen, then enjoyed the fruits. In light of what everyone is saying wrt "she should do the work because ...", who freaking cares who does the work? One has to have the courage to start the ball rolling.

 

But the timing has to be right. And if you start the ballrolling and the timing is wrong, then back away and IMO you still have started the ball rolling, and it will be easier for her to open up when the time IS right.

 

Sean

[sadk]

BTW hear hear for that entire post. I coulnd't agree with you more, and I think you're very courageous. "Be bold and might forces will come to your aid." Succeed or fail, by showing such courage, you've made the world a better place.

 

Sean

[sadk]

OCD,

 

 

You have come along way! I know my advice hasn't been the easiest to follow but if you can stick it out....its well worth the wait.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

I'm about halfway through this thread. I understand the value of NC to me. It's only been a couple of days since I found this thread and I've already learned so much about myself.

 

But I'm confused. If you maintain NC indefinitely, isn't that the clearest way possible to ensure you will never get back with your ex?

 

In a way I feel like I'm being advised on only half the solution. "If you want to learn to drive properly, don't start off by getting into the car..." THat makes perfect sense, but it doesn't teach me to drive. It just teaches me how to avoid crashing. How do I drive?

 

Sean

[SuperDave71]

sadk,

 

I know exactly where you're coming from. I have been there and done that myself. I wanted to know every answer rather than study for the test.

 

The best advice I can hopefully make you inderstand is this..

 

 

YOU are your best judge. Only YOU can determine, based on your situation, the amount of time, mistakes made, current situation, etc etc.

 

I guess to answer your question, this particiular post I created back in July 21st 2005 has been based off of what NOT to do....or how NOT to drive.

 

Many, like myself, wanted answers. I wanted a solid sure fire way to get my ex back in my life, my arms and my bed. Is she back? Yes...was there an answer A SOLID SURE-FIRE WAY to get her back.....NO.

 

I took all of the tremendous advice and support I received here at eNotAlone and used it to my advantage. I "studied" for the test so to speak. I had to change my way of thinking and learn the techniques and skills necessary to NOT push my ex any further from my life. I pleaded, cried, begged, called too much ..You name it..I did it. I was out of control.

 

I finally came to my senses knowing what I was doing was sooooo wrong and I began to relax and learn that it was not about my ex BUT ME.

 

I agree with your question:

 

"But I'm confused. If you maintain NC indefinitely, isn't that the clearest way possible to ensure you will never get back with your ex?"

 

 

to answer this...I can honestly say "Yes" and "No".

 

Yes - If your lover has left you and you start NC and you never hear from them again...THEN it is a safe bet to say "Yes".

 

No - if you let go, and learn to work on you. Focus your attention on YOU rather than what possibly COULD be and change yourself FOR YOU. Then if they begin to show interest once again...evaluate your situation and see if you are strong enough as well as SMART enough to try again.

 

You have to be the judge of your own situation. The main thing to do is relax and not dwell on your ex. DON'T waste time ...you have alot of learning to do.

 

Life is too short to be unhappy.

 

 

 

Be well my friend,

 

SuperDave71

[sadk]

You have to be the judge of your own situation. The main thing to do is relax and not dwell on your ex. DON'T waste time ...you have alot of learning to do.

SuperDave71

 

I get this, and encouragement is always good. Thanks.

 

Tell us what's happened with you, SD. There are too few success stories here.

 

Sean

[SuperDave71]

Sean,

 

If you look back at a post I created a few months ago called "My Story"...it can be found within.

 

 

Thanks,

 

SuperDave71

[sadk]

Got it, SD. And how are things going?

 

Sean

[Jackrider]

Hi SuperDave..been looking at this thread for a few days now and been taking lots of inspiration from the various views.Would request to hear out me as well and comment on the situation..

[Jackrider]

It all started an year ago(March,2005) when I went to take a class for the entrance exams she( she is a 23 yr old girl,6 yrs younger to me and never been in a relationship before) was preparing for.I took a couple of classes only and she took my contact details and she started being in touch through Emails,mainly clarifying doubts about the exams she was appearing for.After a few months I shared my phone number with her and we started talking regularly and it reached a stage wherein we were talking almost everyday for hours.I got a feeling that she was interested in me but I always tried to discourage by saying that we can not marry and all,the reason was that I never thought I had strong feelings for her though I never told her directly.

Then after around 6-7 months of our being in touch(December,2005) she proposed me for marriage.I was shocked and couldn't say a Yes or a No to her and instead started ignoring her.She used to call so many times and on one pretext or the other I started to ignore her.After a few days she also stopped and we didn't interact till end of March,2006 when I called her again.After talking normally for 6-7 minutes she again started talking of the past saying don't you realize what happened and stuff and I said why do you have to talk this all the time.Then she disconnected the phone and we didn't speak for another 1 month.Now a month later I felt I was missing her and wanted to get in touch with her.

I called her and but she disconnected the call 5-6 times.Next day when I called she picked up saying she was going around with someone and she didn't want to talk to me.She reminded me each and every incident when I treated her badly and said she was committed to this guy.After 20 min she got angry with something and again disconnected the call.After a few days I sent her a detailed Email explaining the problems because of which I couldn't say yes to her proposal and I requested her to come back.She sent a quick reply saying that nothing can happen between us now and told me to move on in life.Also she told me to never contact her in future.But I mustered courage and called her 2 days later from a different number.I feared she would disconnect hearing my voice but luckily didn't.I spoke for 20 minutes reasoning what went wrong and also broke down while talking.She heard for 20 min without saying a word and then said nothing can happen now and when I asked why then she said because now she doesn't it.Then I asked her why don't you want it now and there was a long silence from her side and then she disconnected.

She was staying 2000 Km away from my place and I decided to fly down to get her back.I surprised her by going straight to her office reception.She behaved strangely during the 2 hours we chatted.One moment she would be really furious and angry and the next she would be calm and normal.She repeated many times that nothing can happen now as she is committed to this guy and also told how this guy listens to her problems and respects her,which she said I didn't do enough.She told me you know what kind of a person I am and I can never go back on my word.Also she said if you had sent an Email that you were in problems or we had continued talking something could have happened.For a brief moment she had tears in her eyes as well.She said she is a very stubborn girl and when I said she needs to change herself she again got angry and dashed back towards her office.During this meeting She had told me not to contact her again but 2 days later which was my last day in that city I called her again and requested her to meet one last time.She refused initially but agreed when I requested.But an hour later sent a message saying she cant come and when I tried to talk she disconnected the phone and then switched it off.I came back and 3 days later called her that I respected her decision and will not force her now for anything.I thought she would be surprised but she spoke normally and told me not to change my decision now.I had thought that I would try to be her friend and would persuade her to change her decision as I felt that she loved me so much and feelings don't die down so soon and perhaps she could only angry at me for the way I treated her.But recently when I tried to call her again I realized she had changed her phone number which I guess she did just to send out a statement that I shouldn't call her.I think it's a statement as she knows I can get her number easily from sources.What should I do and do you feel I stand any chance in this case.I last spoke to her a month back. PLZZ ADVICE.

[sadk]

Jack

 

I spoke for 20 minutes reasoning what went wrong

 

Just that one line ...

 

this guy listens to her problems and respects her,which she said I didn't do enough

 

And that one pretty much sums it up. I've made this very same mistake. Try talking less and listening more. Let her do 90% of the talking. Don't try to change her, don't try to convince her of anything, just let her be and accept her.

 

Honestly, this seems like a control issue more than a love issue. I don't really get the impression that you love her at all. It seems more that you want her back.

 

Sean

[SuperDave71]

Hello Sadk,

 

 

Give me an update will you? I have been wondering if you have been doing ok.

 

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[sadk]

Hi Superdave

 

In an attempt to get some NC, I went away the Thursday before last. Between me and you, I needed a break. I went to a cottage. No internet and I didn't have my phone with me. I went to a cottage with an ex-gf (we'll call her A) and our son. (There's nothing between me and this ex. Things didn't work out for us, but we still are close friends.) This is as close as I can come to NC from my X because I screwed things up in our relationship. I can see it clearly now. So, if she needs a friend, and she sometimes does, I'm gonna be there for her. I just want her to feel better and heal and learn to trust again.

 

Before I left, I wrote to X just to let her know I'd be gone for the weekend so she wouldn't worry and said that I sensed she needed some space (because she hadn't responded to an important e-mail about my son, which was unusual even for her. She occasionally withdraws when we get too close, but I really expected a response to that particular e-mail) and that was understandable.

 

Minutes after I sent the e-mail, X called. I had my phone turned off. In her message, she said she didn't know why I thought she needed some space and said to call her if I liked, otherwise to have fun at the cottage. Sunday she called me again to see if I was home yet. The tone seemed artificially upbeat. She called me sunshine. She's never called me sunshine before. But I wasn't home yet and didn't get that message because I'd decided to stay at the cottage another few days. A had gone home for the week and I asked her to e-mail X to tell her my plans. On the Friday just passed X called again, it was something real bad (cancer - her stepfather) and she needed a friend. Then she called again a little while later to tell me that she'd be away at a wedding for the weekend. Sunday, she e-mailed A to ask her if she knew when I'd be getting back from the cottage. She said she'd been trying to contact me. A and I had just arrived back at her house.

 

I called X, although I still didn't know what it was about. It was pretty scary news. I felt bad that I wasn't there. We talked about that for a few minutes. I told her her mother was going to need support, and so was she (X). She said, "that's why I'm calling you". Then she wanted to switch the subject. We talked for about two hours. She passed through Montreal on her way to the wedding, a couple of hours from here. She asked if I would think it weird if she stayed overnight in my place tonight. She said she wanted to spend some time with me and then get a good night's sleep before hitting the road.

 

I told her to come. And somewhere in the past few days I've realized how much I've grown because all I'm thinking is that she needs me as a friend right now. I love her as much as I love my kids, and all I'm thinking is, what can I do for her? A few months back all I was thinking was how can I get her back.

 

So, I feel good. Thanks for asking.

 

Sean

 

PS Here's how much I've grown. She said she didn't respond to that e-mail about my son because she never received it. Before, I'd always suspect people of lying and I'd pound at them till I proved they were lying. Now... I think ... if she's lying it's because she thinks she made a mistake and she's trying to make it right. It may not be the perfect way to make it right, but maybe it's the way she knows best because I scared her so much. Who cares why? It's the tiniest of things. I could never let them go before. Dot that I. Cross that T. Pound that person. The other possibility is that she never got the e-mail. It happens. It doesn't matter. I'm just going to let it be right.

[SuperDave71]

Sean,

 

 

Thanks for posting my friend. Tell me this? How have you grown?

 

I would be very interested to know if you don't mind.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

 

 

PS. Glad you are doing so much better

[sadk]

Tell me this? How have you grown?

-SuperDave71

 

Yes. I feel more interested in other people than myself.

 

Two big growing areas.

 

1) Every single fight I had with X was a power struggle. I was more concerned with being right than understanding. You know what I do now when I find myself in a power struggle with someone I care about? I say, "You're right. And so am I. We're both right. But we're focusing on the wrong thing. Something about this issue is important to you, and something else is important to me. Let's talk about what those things are and why they're important." You know, Dave, most of the time, the things we fought about weren't even important, it was more of an opportunity to reveal something to the other--an opportunity we didn't take. I feel so stupid when I think of all those fights.

 

2) I did a "what is my role in the relationship" exercise. It turned out my role in the relationship was to prove that X didn't love me, just like I proved everyone else didn't. It didn't seem to matter that she loved me more perfectly than I thought possible. If she didn't act 100% thinking of me, I'd latch onto the 5% or whatever it was and pound, pound, pound until I made her feel like she'd let me down. The bad news is, I won. The good news is, I'm on the right track, and I think she's able to trust me a little more now. Honestly, I'd just like to see her healed. She once told me that loving someone gives them the power to destroy you, but she secretly hopes someone will prove her wrong.

 

I want to her to feel loved and not destroyed. She needs a friend right now and I feel so happy that she called ME. I can do it right this time.

 

Oh, and a huge thing. I never used to be able to let anything go. Especially if I was right. Now I let things go. It's not even an effort. It's just a sense of peace.

 

Yes, I've grown. I'm not all the way where I want to be yet, but I'm so far from where I used to be, and from where I never want to be again.

 

Thanks for asking, Dave.

 

Sean

[NCTuskie]

Hello all,

 

Last Sunday, my GF called me up and told me she needed space...

 

Just a little background. We've been dating for four months, I'm Navy, and she was enlisting in the Army active duty. We had about a month together before I left for two months of training. Fortunately my training site was close to her, and I visited on weekends. We had about another month of that before she left for basic training.

 

She also has two kids, but didn't push them on me. I stepped in, to help out on my own, and I can honestly say that she never used the kids as leverage. A lot of what I did for them was purely voluntary, and she never asked a thing from me.

 

A big mistake: The "honeymoon" was very fast and whirlwind. We had a great deal in common (same backgrounds, same goals and ambitions). Of course the biggest hurdle was her upcoming enlistment into the Army. She was the first to bring up the subject of marriage. Knowing it would be beneficial for her, the kids, and myself, I went along with it. We agreed on a JP ceremony at the courthouse, along with a Prenup. We both agreed this was for "Army" purposes only, and would set a date for the "real" wedding when the time was right. If it wouldn't work out, then we both would leave without the financial fallout from a divorce.

 

At least that was the plan.

 

I never pushed along the relationship. I allowed her to move it at her own pace. All I did was initate the first kiss. thereforeeee I felt confident her feelings for me where mutual if not greater.

 

After she left for basic training, she wrote me constantly. I wrote when I could while I was in training, and sent her care packages when time could afford me to do so. Finally the day came when she graduated. It was one of the proudest days of my life to see her march accross the parade grounds in her uniform.

 

Now she's in AIT training for the US Army (boot camp style training, but with more freedom). At this point, we were able to resume regular communication via phone/text messaging.

 

Last Sunday she text me, telling me that she's been "emotionally confused". I asked her to explain, and she said that she did not want to rush into a marriage for the wrong reasons. That left me more confused because I was not the one who brought it up nor pushed it (I know I'm wrong for letting it go on). To make a long story short she "needed her space" to figure things out and get herself together. As far as us she wanted to be friends.

 

My first instinct was to leave her alone, and start doing my own thing. No marriage meant a slim chance of us being together physically, and I wasn't prepared to deal with a Long Distance Relationship. The next morning I had a change of heart, and sent her a few text messages letting her know I still cared about her and would do whatever it takes to make it work. Later that day I wrote a letter, explaining how I felt. That was the last time I heard from her, and I haven't attempted to make contact either.

 

I'm glad to give her what she needs to get her life together. While I'm not nor ever was prepared to get married- really married, I won't entertain that. If she wants to pick up where we left off, I'd consider that but be cautious. But for now NC, and focusing on myself.

 

A week has gone by, and I feel better. I still have moments, but I've been to removing anything that reminds me of her from my enviornment.

[Jackrider]

Thanks sadk for replying..well you are right that i never felt love for her initially but now after being away from her i realised that i miss her in my life.Thats why took the decision of trying to persuade her back.Infact when i went to her city to meet i told her that i would want to marry her,so i do having feelings for sure.But now situation has changed as she is going around with a guy who had been trying on her for quite some time,infact she used to tell me about it when we were together.Given what i have narratted in my earlier post do you guys feel i can still get her back with NC or otherwise or it seems all over for me as far as she is concerned.Would appreciate your thoughts on this.Also would once again request the BIG BOSS SuperDave to put in his thoughts as well,it would go a long way in helping me.

 

Friends i seriously need help......

 

Jack

[Jackrider]

Hi There,

 

I think SuperDave,sadk and a few others are online right now.Could you guys please respond to my query??

[sadk]

I don't know, Jack. Sometimes we miss people. But what if they are looking for more than you can offer? What if I had an ex who was great in bed, but used to drive me batty? If I sleep with her because I miss that, she's probably going to think it means a lot more. You have to think of the other person too.

 

Sean

[SuperDave71]

Jackrider,

 

I finally read your post and I do not have good news. It seems as if you have pushed too hard. You hurt (unintentional of course) this girl and I feel she feels more embarrassment than anger. If anyone pours their heart out for someone else and it is NOT reciprocated, there is alot of hurt to deal with. Rejection is bad enough but if you add the fact that it takes ALOT of courage to tell someone how you feel or the way they feel...you put your heart on the line....being exposed if you will.

 

If you were not ready for marriage, so be it. NO ONE can make that decision for you whatsoever. She got her feelings hurt and and the man she "loved" turned her down in her eyes. Sooooooo, what did she do? She went out and found someone who would listen better and "understood" her better. It's not easy hear and I understand but she has hung up on you over and over....and over and over. You got on a plane unannounced and went to see her....you AGAIN were rejected.

 

Again, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I suggest you STOP what yoru doin and get a hold of yourself. You are waaaay over obsessing over her and it is not healthy. Can you get her back? NOT LIKE THIS YOU CAN"T!!! Listen to me!! NOT like this!!

 

You need to be happy with you. Obviosuly you are not happy being without her but my question is this..

 

Are you being loving towards her?

 

or are you acting desperate to HOPE to be loved by her?

 

Look yourself in the mirror and take a long stare at yourself. Think of all the family you have and what you have learned in your life. Now, ask yourself

 

"Is this healthy?" Is what I am doing going to win her back? Put yourself in HER shoes..

 

Go out and find a few books on self-improvement and read and absorb the

information within it's pages. Take time for you because right now it's obvious she is NOT returning the favor.

 

Keep posting so I know you are on the right track ok?

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71