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You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!


SuperDave71
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Hi, first let me thank everyone that has posted here. This thread has been incredibly insightful, and ive connected with bits and pieces of everyones story. Yours in particular since i am currently going through something similar. You know your partner better than anyone else so the behavior she is displaying may or may not be a facade she's put up to help her cope with this because believe it or not its a mess for both sides involved. I know its easier said than done but honestly the best thing to do is keep your distance. Emotions are high and these things come in phases for both of you. You don't necessarily owe her any explanations just pull back to give yourself some time to think clearly and let the decision fully weigh on her.

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Ouch! brother, that is rough. I went through a very similar post break up. Truth is whether she admits it or not is that you're both having a hard time coping with this. She's obviously dealing with it a lot differently than you are but use the fact that you know her so well to your advantage. Just sit back and cut off all contact for your own sake. It's not going to be easy but you need to get your head straight and the effects of her decision need to fully dawn on her. You don't just get a 3 year relationship out of your system so easily, that goes for her as well. If for her at the moment of break up the bad out weighed the good and there was nothing to fix so she left then let that decision run its course. Keep your distance, call it NC but stick to it.

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I thought i had individually replied to a posts a few pages back, sorry. I was wondering if i could get some help with my current situation. Its been a month since the break up, i made a few mistakes during the onset of it but nothing too major. I wont get into all the details but the situation im at now is as follows, i stopped initiating contact with her last week (she dumped me, 4 years together) and last thursday was the first full day we went without speaking to each other not just since the break up but in 4 years together. Anyways i had been writing in my journal and funny that thursday night i had felt that i gave myself my own closure by just being honest with myself and looking for the answers within me. Needless to say i was in a better place and didn't expect to hear much from her. Friday morning i wake up to see she called me and messaged me at 3 am, the text said, "this is the first time that neither of us has spoken to each other" no big deal right? except it was at 3 am..so i waited till i was at work to respond and felt like mentally i was in a better place so i handled it very maturely and i think she was surprised by my response. We had a nice convo and seemed to be on the same page for once since the breakup. I basically said i think its best i keep a healthy distance from that point onward and we talked a bit more overall it was good. She asked me how much time i needed before she gives me my things and i told her i don't need anytime so whenever shes ready and like that i didn't hear from her. Its now been 5 days of zero contact...we live close to each other and she goes to school down the street so i honestly thought she would drop the things off by now. Its not that i want them but my experience with her this last month has been so strange i don't know what to make of it. Sometimes its like she has a hard time letting the decision dawn on her other times shes had episodes of affection and what not very confusing. When she drops her guard i get bits n pieces of how she feels but overall i reached a point where i need to focus on me as much as i want and miss her and i regret not immediately going into NC after BU.

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I have a little dilemma about the NC-rule.

 

So this is what happened. Gf said she doubted her feelings. Tried to fix it. She thought it was too late, thinking it was better to break up. We eventually agreed to wait a week in NC to find out. Half way the week I figured it won't work, so contacted her, went to her place and said it was better if we broke up. She agreed and was glad I understood. But I was kind of doubting this would be the enc, because of things she said and did just some weeks before the breakup and also after she told me she doubted her feelings of being in love. But I thought it was for the bettter like this.

 

So right after the break up she calls me to come back for a longer hug. Later she texted me asking if I wasn't sad or just kept a happy face up. After that she spoke with my mom and some friends she bumped in to. They all said like they had the feeling it wasn't finished for her. Couple of days later I bumped into her at the library and she asked if she could talk with me. She said she wasn't doing well and was really doubting her decision for a couple of reasons. She was acting jealous because of how I dressed and she would really liked to know if I had past on that soon (because then she had also to move on). She agreed that I couldn't make her fall in love again like in a week and we pinpointed the problem of her doubting: I didn't made her a priority enough -> she came emotionaly more distant -> doubting her feelings (something like that). She also didn't want to say we had something great, but that we have. She agreed on having a deep connection. She also said she wasn't looking at other guys. So I asked what she wanted, but she didn't really know. So i said it was better to leave things like this, because I wanted everything or nothing. She said: how can things become better if we don't talk. And how long i was planning not talking to her and stuff like that. Well, in hindsight it looked a little like she wanted reconciliation, but it wasn't convinving enough at that time. She looked really upset and was crying a little and also said: sorry to bother you. But I asked again what she wanted and she said: well if I'm still doubting in a month that means something. So I said that if she doesn't know what she wants, it's better for both of us to take time and think about what we want. She said (with a litte fear or devestation in her voice): but that means you also could have moved on. I told her I was doubting also a little before of the time she aksed of me. So we both needed time to think. When I was talking to her afterwars for a few miniutes I could really feel the connection and the way she looked at me was kind of obvious. But ofcourse the fact still remains that she wanted to break up with me and maybe does (again). But wel will be in contact in two week because that is what she said.

 

Well its hard for me to move on, when I get (false) hope like this. I truly believe I can make her happy again, but I also know that this might not happen. My friends who spoke with her and a good friend told me that we had goog chances, but that I shouldn't wait too long (for her to get over me or something like that). I thought, if she is really over me in a month, then maybe we shouldn't be together. But anyways, since I know that the NC-time is for me and I treating it like that (altough this is really difficult sometimes). But because we will contact in like two weeks and I think I stand a chance, I'm thinking of contacting her. Just casually, to avoid the whole serious stuff. I mean, if she is over me I will notice and so it will be more easy for me to do. But if I really have a chance, then I think some time apart was really good, but I have to put some effort in it. Like someone said, every breakup is different.

 

But as you might guess, I'm not really sure about this all. That's why I'm posting it here in the hope someone will give me a little bit of advice.

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  • 1 year later...
Well said and I agree with this. It's been 2-months since my GF broke

with me which came out of the blue and up to now I'm still confused.

I learned this technique from a relationship counselor. He suggested

to stay away for a month or two, then try to contact in a friendly

manner. No relationship talk, just ask her out for coffee.

Has anyone tried this? Stayed away for 2months then tried

to contact? Any success?

 

Yes, I did. It was two months exactly. We talked like old friends and it was great and yes eventually we did get into the topic of getting back together in the future, when we're both ready for "forever" as cheesy as that sounds. I'm not in a good place emotionally or mentally right now and neither is he. So I suppose we're back to NC because I haven't really heard from him.

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  • 1 year later...
  • 4 weeks later...
  • 3 months later...
I made the mistake of pleading and telling him that I’m holding on to hope that we’ll be together in the future. I really regret it. Did I mess up my chances of getting him back?

 

No. Just don't E-Stalk through social media, don't message, just take time to heal and realize that it's ok to be alone. Learn that through and through. Take comfort in the hope that if it's meant to be it will be just like you said. Then just take one hour at a time and try to stay occupied to prevent your anxiety and heartache causing you to keep reaching out. A single comment like you said is just fine, but leave it at that.

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No. Just don't E-Stalk through social media, don't message, just take time to heal and realize that it's ok to be alone. Learn that through and through. Take comfort in the hope that if it's meant to be it will be just like you said. Then just take one hour at a time and try to stay occupied to prevent your anxiety and heartache causing you to keep reaching out. A single comment like you said is just fine, but leave it at that.

 

I think it’s best that i give up hope. I’ve been in denial. He might care about me but he doesn’t love me. The entire 11 months we were together he couldn’t tell me he loved me. He would say that he had feelings for me and cared about me but he just did have feelings of love. How do you reconcile with someone who didn’t love you?

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This is so painful. My boyfriend and I broke up yesterday and I JUST CANT DO IT We broke up, dusted everything off, he blocked me from all social media and i have no way of contacting him. He forgot his email so i emailed him and he basically told me to get lost. I was really pathetic and called him several times even after he blocked me from that email, on private number to no avail.. I have to see him tomorrow to pick up my things

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being blocked is honestly probably the best thing. it'll prevent you from reaching out to him and appearing needy. DONT do the private # thing; it implies desperation and you're a STRONG woman you don't need to contact him that badly. If he doesn't want to talk right now you can try waiting until things cool down to pick up your things. Will show maturity.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this; I'm approaching my 3 month anniversary of my break-up, and I've made some pretty ty decisions that made me berate myself as pathetic but here's the thing-you are HUMAN. We make mistakes. Hence why I try not to beat myself up every time I give in and call or message or whatever. Also, IDK what the circumstances of your breakup were, but my bf cheated on me and so whenever I feel pathetic about talking to him I realize at least i didn't destroy someone's self-esteem or trust so....ya.

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  • 10 months later...

Hi to everybody here.

Please stay no contact, if you don't you may hear yo do not want to hear.

I blew it today when my ex called me, I said I was working on myself, I actually am, I am taking meditation classes, working out, reading a lot of self help stuff...

I was thinking she may something too, but she in her mind has no fault of her own, that was horrible to hear.

Guys and girls here, stay no contact and keep doing amazing things to improve yourself.

I will be here in case anybody need s to chat.

 

I promise to listen and do my best to help.

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