You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[TornTattered]

Well... I wrote the letter, and by the time i finished it i realized that i would never send it. These are things that i want to say in person, and i would still like to be with her, as the love is still there. Yesterday i think i finally got over the anxiety of " what is she doing, who with, where, why, does she think about me, will we be together again, etc." I feel that i can talk to her, but i dont think right now is the right time. Not because I would be very stressed out, but because i also want her to be happy. And if us not being together makes her happy... Im shooting for Thanksgiving before i even think about contacting her in any way. Talking with her in any way other than in person just isnt going to cut it for me. So, ill stick with the NC. Thanks for the reply.

[river dog]

If you can't find a way to say it in person, then that should tell you a lot. No fear - onwards and upwards, no?

[sbowman22]

I have tried NC and desperately want to try again. But I see her 2 days a week when she picks up my son. Just the sight of her melts my heart. I have tried to rush my son into her car and say bye, but I get so weak. I love my son soo soo much. Every night that he is not with me, I call him to say good night. So thats 3 nights I call him. He is 4, so of course she picks up. The 4 nights he is with me, she calls to talk to him. Some nights she is nice, but some nights I can feel it in her voice like she is saying, "F-Off".

 

NC would be so much easier without a child. Having him and being able to have him 50/50 is worth the pain.

[TornTattered]

river dog.... what do you mean?

[TornTattered]

update: Ok so i just got back from class and was feeling the best ive felt in a loooong time. Cause while in class i was offered to go into the recording studio and record some. ( high class recording studio). So i got back and started to tell everyone i knew about it......... you know where this is going. I broke NC, and we talked for like 45 min. A great conversation to say the least. And i feel great, not bad. Was this a bad move? I mean, if im not hurting right now, nor am i really thinking about her, then what does that say?

 

I can only assume... maybe im setting myself up for future failure. But if we can talk civilized and without any weirdness. Is it that she is being friendly, or do you all think that she may have some feelings? ( im positive that she is not with anybody right now). If anybody needs so.. i could pm the conversation for better understanding.

[river dog]

river dog.... what do you mean?

 

I mean if they fill one with fear of verbal communication it says a lot about the state of things. Walking on egg shells etc. Not necessarily your situation but it seems to happen a lot.

[ebsmith1]

I need some help going into this NC thing! Here's my whole story...

 

 

I met my ex when I was still married and pregnant. My marriage was on the rocks and I found out through the grapevine that this guy was interested in me. So I left my husband, not because of this guy, but because our marriage was over. I instantly fell madly in love with this guy but thought it might be a rebound. However after 3 years I just knew that he was "the one". I thought we had a great relationship. We never fought, he was great with my kids and we were together all the time. Towards the end we were looking at apartments and he was planning to move in with me until we found something bigger. We'd even started packing his apartment. I was pushy about getting married. I wanted to go ahead and do it and he was still pretty nervous. He said he knew he wanted to marry me, but he had such a bad marriage the first time that he had a lot of fears about the second one not working either. But, on July 15th he proposed. It was a beautiful night and when he asked he had the look in his eyes of a man in love. He looked as though he would be devestated if I said no. We had already bought wedding rings, I bought my dress, we picked a date and were starting on the guest list. He took me to a dinner for the civic group he is in and announced it.

 

Then one night before he went out of town we got in a fight. I was upset that he was going home to see his father (now I wonder if it was his father) when he was going to be on vacation the following two weeks and was going there then anyway. I was just having a bad day and said "I hope you aren't going to leave me all of the time like this when we are married like my ex-husband did". So he left and didn't call me for three days. When I finally heard from him he said that he had just needed some time to think about what had happened. He came back and we talked. He admitted to cheating on me once a year before and told me how sorry he was. He said he was really scared about getting married and wanted to put the wedding off. He said he would go to counseling and that he wanted us to start going to church. I told him I wouldn't mention the wedding again until he was ready. He said he wanted to stay engaged and work on it. He also asked for the two weeks he was on vacation to think about things and just be on his own. Right before the vacation we took my kids out of town and had a great time. He went on vacation and we didn't talk. When he came back I asked him if everything was cool with us and he said that it was. He acted as if nothing was wrong. The night he broke up with me seemed totally normal. We went out to eat, went shopping and even went to the jewelry store where he bought my ring to tell the girl he bought if from how he proposed. Then he came home and broke up with me.

 

We both had a lot of tears and he said that he was depressed and that he just needed to work himself out and it was too hard to be with me knowing that he couldn't give me what I give him. We saw each other the next day and it was the same story. But, three days later I saw him with another girl. The following week he asked me to go with him to a picnic. I went and after it we talked. He said it was "still going to be me". Two days later he spent the night with me and I asked him about the other girl. He said that right now they were just friends and she lives in another state. I told him I couldn't "date" him if he was going to date other people. So he set a date up with me a few days later and completely stood me up. After that I sent him an e-mail that said to let me ask a few questions and say goodbye. He e-mailed me back and asked me for time to "get right and do stupid things" and start seeing a therapist. He's still seeing this other girl and I've been terrible with the NC. Is there any hope? I love this man and I think he's just really scared and rebounding. Do men respond to NC the same way women do? I just love him too much to give up. I don't believe he would have proposed to me if he didn't really love me.

 

Thanks for making it this far.

[Rickster]

This was what I always fell for at first. I had good conversations with my ex and then the next time we contact I would feel down because it wasn't what I had expected. I feel as long as you don't make anything of the conversation and have no expectations then you should be alright. It's a common error people make, and that's why a lot of people are adviced to stick to NC. But if you're strong enough to conquer that, then there be no need or worrying. Torn&Tattered, just don't assume and over-analyze your conversation, let it be.

[Rickster]

ebsmith1, I hate to hear people breaking up, it reminds me of mine. I feel quite sorry for you, especially when it's a relationship that was very loving. Sometimes I just can't see why people are not content with what they already have and take things for granted.

I would believe that NC works for anyone, whether it be male or female. But NC is meant for you to give you time to think about mistakes and how you can improve yourself. Maybe the best thing for you to do is to not be so pushy and clingy. It's the one thing that killed my contact with my ex. Just remember he's not with you anymore, he's entitled to do anything he wants.

[river dog]

Do men respond to NC the same way women do?

 

If you mean taking a break from him for a while to get a reaction, in my opinion it will only do so if he is in love with you and focused on just you and no-one else. If so, as a man, it drives me nuts!

[TornTattered]

Thanks Rickster. I wasnt trying to make anything of the conversation.. nor did i overanalyze our conversation. I just talked. And i still feel good now. So...

 

According to how many other peoples' situations went, usually they are let down. I could potentially see more conversating with her winding up ending like that. Which is why im still trying to stay NC. I understand what would happen if i were to get my hopes up and such.

[Rickster]

Take as long as you need with NC. Once you've realised that you can't be concerned for her like before it should be alright. I wish you the best.

[KronicMan]

oh my god my head is real messed up. i changed my number twice, and this morning i want my ex back. i want to call and say IM SORRY for everything, nevermind what my ex has done to me. I am sorry. I was the one who messed up, I pushed you away, i can make it better, we can make it better.

 

but you asked me back, and you asked to be my lover again. so why did you ignore me? why have you made me feel like a complete idiot? once again i think i pushed you away, and thats why i wanna apologize.

 

oh man i feel so much better just writing that, knowing i dont have to ask my ex these questions.

 

but i still need help

[Ediec]

I wish i would have found this site and read that first post back at the beginging of September.

 

I did, uh, just about everything that i shouldn't have done. And now i'm sitting around like "yup, i'm single and it sucks" and she's out having fun and not hurting.

 

I really need to go NC. She really wants to get lunch this week, i really don't want to, but i would love to see her face and hear her voice again.

 

I'll figure out some way to tell her no. I have to for my sainity.

[SuperDave71]

Ediec,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone. You can tell yourself I wishh this or I wish that....Plain and simple, you can't change the past. Learn from it. It isalso unhealthy to say your ex is having the time of her life. She may...she may not.

 

You need to put the focus on yourself rather than your ex. We know you love her. We know you hurt and still care. The fact is you miss her and it hurts. Why did you break in the first place? Was there big issues? How long did it go on?

 

As far as the lunch thing...I wouldn't go because it will only rip the scab off an already healing wound. Let her understand you are not a toy. You are who you and you don't need to only be available when SHE is available. You can do this. This is not selfishness. This is you trying to be who you were when you first began the relationship. Keep doing NC and I hope things turn out way you hope.

 

 

Take Care,

 

SuperDave71

[keefy1972]

I use to do things like go have lunch with my ex....talk on the phone quite frequently, and anything else I could think of that would keep me on that "misery-go-round". Now here I am, over two years later, and it still feels like we just broke up. Contact keeps that connection and doesn't allow for you to get the proper space to be objective.

 

Cancel lunch and cut all ties. This is really the only way you can give yourself a fair chance at anything....getting back together or just getting on with your life. It's a win-win situation.

[keefy1972]

Is this post #2000?? YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEE HHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW!!!

[keefy1972]

1202? oOOPPPS READ IT WRONG...DAVE PASS ME THAT BOTTLE...DERRRR

[SuperDave71]

Keefy1972,

 

 

Lay off the crack my friend! HA HA HA HA JUST KIDDING!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Wow...2000? Holy Smokes!!

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[sickofbeingsad]

Im in a situation guys, maybe you can help me out...

 

I have been seeing my ex again for the past 3 months after us being apart for 3 years from a 7 year relationship. She dated someone else for over a year (while not mentioning it while seeing me from time to time) and even admitted to sleeping with him. We werent together... I now know and accept that relationships are about convience and not love so im cool with it. Anyway like I said we have being seeing each other for 3 months and havent had sex, cuddled or even had a meaningful kiss. We are just hanging out but when I get a phone call or go a few days without contacting her, she assumes that I am seeing someone else and says that she understands and kinda seems like she is having trust issues.

 

If I am quiet and reserved and not giving her any attention she seems to warm up a lil. not sex or anything but does make efforts to greet me with a hug and act somewhat normal. Most any other time her guard is up 24/7. If I ask her to do something not knowing that she is with her girlfriends like to call me later when she gets free she seems to get irritated and "huffy" like I asked her to cook me a 7 course meal or something! Typically a few days will pass and she will contact me via e-mail or something. Hen we were together I was selfish and not there for her but WHAT IN THE H**L HAPPENED TO HER EMOTIONALY? Her mood changes daily. She is 31 with no kids, is it her clock ticking??? She used to be a very warm and accomidating person. I JUST WANT A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP!

[SuperDave71]

Sickofbeingsad,

 

Sounds as if you are a toy in the toy box...

 

 

She pulls ou out when she wants to play...but when she is done....she puts you back and doesn't want to be bothered. I know the feeling ALL TOO WELL!!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[7out102]

Superdave-

 

As with many I just want to let you know that your post are a true inspiration to me when I am down and lonely. I have been back and forth with my ex for almost two years now and she has taken my happiness away. I would love your advice on my situation, if you have time to read my post. If not, thank you anyway for your post. You are a legend here and your ex doesnt know what she lost

 

Thank you,

7out102

[SuperDave71]

7out102,

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I don't know about being a legend but I do know that I am just trying to return some of the wonderful advice I was given many years ago.

 

It is truly an honor and a privledge to be looked up to and i hope I can continue to help many people in the years to come.

 

PLease remember, if you get advice and you apply it...share it with those who may need it. No one likes to be alone.

 

 

I will review your post ASAP and get back with you.

 

Thanks again

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[7out102]

Superdave-

 

My post is in exbf/gf relationships. I will bump it to the top so you can find it. Thanks my brother and im looking forward to your advice.

 

7out102

[queenofvalidation]

Hey SuperDave!

 

You are so right! I used to call just to hear his voice. (this went on how long? I could always validate that call) He ignored me, it hurt and created a viscious cycle, aka...dead phone syndrome. So, I stopped calling or contacting & within 2 weeks he vm'd stating he missed me & wanted to see me. New Policy: if he doesn't call, I won't come around or call. Ez to do because I'm shy anyways. I've been forcing myself to go out & meet new people. Now that I'm moving on for real, I've met a potential new love interest and that other guy, well uh, Oops, gotta go...phone's ringing again!