You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[yoley]

SD,

 

Don't think I want to do the NC. Here's why.

 

I'm doing LC , but getting on with my life. Dating..having fun etc etc

 

With NC, she could be wondering what I'm up to...but with LC...she KNOWS I'm out and having fun...and it's driving her nuts! I don't answer every call, I'm not always available, and I will go missing for days at a time.

 

She keeps asking if I'm dating, who am I out with etc etc...I DO NOT DIRECTLY answer her....so she has no idea....and I NEVER ask her the same questions..as if I don't care.

 

So..she asked me out tonight..well..actually twice...we're going for a run like we usually do (at her request), then she's meeting up with a girlfriend for a drink after showering at my place, and then we're going out (at her request again). Like all the other dates we've had lately, I'm sure it'll be fun, close , intimate etc etc.

 

The key is...no relationship talk, be funny, be mysterious, treat her like the bratty little sister...like Carlos and D'Angelo say...bust her balls ..and I don't need her acceptance. Essentially, be the fun person that she was attracted to at the beginning..in fact, be more fun than I was before.

 

My key, and it may not be the same for others, and that I'm trying to become more of the Alpha male...no ONE woman controls me (my emotions and reactions are my choice), no ONE woman is in my life. I'm not waiting for her..I'm getting out and having fun. (As much as I love this woman and want her in my life and as much as I am in pain at times).

 

What do i do when I absolutely miss her and hurt terribly?...breathe deeply, imagine my inner child, really feel the emotion, and give myself a hug. Sounds hokey yes. In my case..my fears of abondonment and loss stem from childhood. For me, this works.

 

The interesting thing..it's difficult AND takes a lot of emotional control. I welcome this...and this is a great challenge. It takes a great deal of self talk, MEDITATION and reading to get there.

 

I expect the worst (that she's seeing someone), and walk myself mentally through the scenarios..and I WILL remain calm and in control at all times (think James Bond)..no gushing (as you put it).

 

The other thing is, not matter what happens between us, I'll be coming out of this a better man, stronger emotionally, and more of the Alpha Male than before that is attractive to a lot of women..in fact..I'm also dating two other women on the side, and practicing Alpha male on them. (I've made it clear to them that I am only interested in casual dating..so as not to hurt them).

 

Becoming a stronger man, increases my chances with any other woman..AND my Ex in the future.

 

But I have to admit..it IS very difficult! it's definitely hard , if I stay home and pine for her. This does me no good!

 

What brought me to this point..a post yesterday..I think it was your own...I control my emotions..and the only reason I'm feeling hurt is because I'm letting myself be hurt.

 

..and the mantra I keep repeating in my head.."Absolute Power"...I have absolute power over my life, my desires, my happiness, and my emotions.

 

My exterior world is a reflection of my inner turomoil. Calm the inside, the outside will follow...and by god...it's working.

 

I will have a great time tonight...not for her..but for me. And I know, it drives her nuts and brings her closer.

[SuperDave71]

Yoley,

 

I'm going to be very frank with you. I agree about 5% with what you are doing. In my opinion, I feel that you are getting false confidence in your ability to use Light contact.

 

Your ex has been calling and showing you attention that you want so badly yet you are playing (toying with her in a subconscious way). You are learning that NO contact and Light contact, when used for good and improving yourself, can be a very powerful tool.

 

Let me ask you this. What have you done in the SHORT amount of time, to improve yourself and a reconciliation with your ex?

 

Have ANY ISSUES been resolved? Have you been preoccupied with getting your ex back that you have forgotten why you broke up in the first place?

 

She may be coming around a bit BUT YOU MUST UNDERSTAND SOMETHING VERY SERIOUS....

 

 

Is your actions towards her a loving act, or are you pulling her strings (not on purpose) like a puppet? With every action there is a consequence. Be careful. I seriously would suggest NO CONTACT. Break your "date" tonight. Let her wonder what you are up to.

 

I do NOT believe in having your cake and eat it to.

 

Here's an example:

 

 

You ex asks you to go running. You say sure. You go running together and you have to put on a mask to hide your feelings for her and she is probably doing the same for herself. Now you said earlier she will shower at your place? Why may I ask?

 

It doesn't make any sense. You are getting what you want and she is doing the same thing with you. You both see one another..yet you are GOING NO WHERE. How can you resolve issues if you see one another? How can you PRETEND to be ok when both of you are hurting in one way form or fashion. Stop the LC. Take time to meditate on what happened and how you can resolve those issues with her in the near future. Be absent when she calls.

 

Desire is fueled by uncertainty. I commend you on doing better but I must say I do not agree with your tactics.

 

I do NOT have the answers. I cannot give you ANY advice that you refuse to take. I want you to BE CAREFUL. I want yo and your ex to be together MORE THAN ANYTHING..but I must again caution you.

 

Make sure you do NOT STRETCH THE RUBBERBAND TO TIGHT ( your knowledge of LC AND NC) it could be very viable that it SNAPS back in your face.

 

 

 

Take care my friend and I wish you well,

 

 

SuperDave71

[7out102]

Superdave-

 

Hey my brother its 7out102. Superdave like I said before you are a legend here. Just look at your post that you write. People listen and they get drawn to you and your writtings. I need your advice I asked you about the other day if you remember. Its now worries, I know that you are a busy busy man. I dont know how to attach a link or I would for you, but if you could read it and give me some insight, it would mean a great deal to me. Either way you are a gift to this place, keep the advice coming.................

[yoley]

SD,

 

good feedback my friend!

 

The reason for the breakup...self proclaimed love scar for her younger years..scared of commitment..her parents hurt her terribly. She's told me this many times. I know I'm walking a fine line..she needs to TRUST me, but also be attracted to me (I have to remain mysterious)...and I'm giving her both. I've told her many times I'm still here for her, but then disappear. (Verbal trust, and uncertain by absense)

 

What have I done???..stopped chasing her. I chased her before because I was somewhat needy and thought I could bring her back. No more! She's also told me this. When I go after her..she runs...she's scared. When I back off..she comes back. She needs to come to me in her own time. My own work , has been focused on my neediness, confidence and self acceptance. TONS of work done here...and it's been very successful.

 

Yes..a bit of a game..but a by-product of improving myself..I think it's healthy. I have no intention of hurting her..and I will NOT speak of others I'm dating. Everytime we part..she feels better than when she met me.

 

She showers at my place because I'm downtown...she's out in the burbs.

 

I am taking care of myself first, for me..not for her...this is my strategy. Her behaviour is changing as a result. A woman does want someone who takes care of himself..if he cant take care of himself, how can he take care of her?

 

As for mysterious..there's LOTS of it..NOT intentional because I AM busy with others and friends and I do not always answer her calls. Hence, she's always asking what I'm up to...who I'm with etc etc I never give her an answer.

 

As for both os us hurting...yes we are...but this is also an learning experience for her. Humans rarely learn anything unless they experience pain. The solution to this...get closer..or get further apart. I feel we're getting closer...and alleviating her pain.but I'm not expecting or waiting for it.

 

I MUST stay on my path ..and she WILL come to me if she wishes. I cannot cross the line into her space.

 

Warning noted!..and indeed...this may completely backfire..getting back with her. BUT...in the end..I WILL be stronger no matter what happens...and this is my primary goal. Given that I'm stronger, perhaps in the future she'll be back...

 

I'll keep you informed...but as far as I can tell..this is only a win for me...because I'm stronger either way (if she comes back or not).

 

-Y

[SuperDave71]

Y-

 

Thanks for the explaination.

 

For the sake of your sanity...and your heart..PLEASE be careful my friend.

 

You must remember:

 

 

What happens when you hold onto a wet bar of soap too tightly?

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[yoley]

But that's the thing...I'm NOT holding on tightly..I'm doing exactly the opposite (think George Kastanza) of what has brought me poor results before! I've now focused on me, and let her go.

 

Incidentally..she just called...told me some great news of hers....and not only are we going out tonight..we're also spending the day together tomorrow..(at her request)

 

..and no..this is NOT a sign that we're back together...or that she wants me back..we're just two friends going shopping and going for lunch...it's just another day.

 

Still SD...I feel the pain.and the anxiety..but I WILL control it ..I'm absolutely confident of this.

 

This is all an exercise in thinking.

 

Being VERY careful for sure. Thanks for the concern. But I do know..what ever happens...I've live..move on..and be happy...and also, she is totally out of my control...if she is not meant to be on my path, then someone greater is..and she is only a stepping stone and an opportunity for growth, so that I'll be even more ready for the next great gal.

[papalazarou]

This should ALSO be a sticky....

[SuperDave71]

Anyone heard from Yoley?

 

 

I wanted to see how he was doing?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[scsavino]

Great post. And yes, its very hard. It is a constant battle everyday not to call him. It hurts more than I can tell you. But I know if I call, it will just make things worse and ultimately two things will happen if I leave him be. I will move on and eventually get over this, or he will come back to me after he has taken the time he needs to sort things out.

Sound advice.

I am sooooooooooooo glad I found this forum.

Thank you so much.

[SuperDave71]

Scsavino,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone....You are making a very wise decision and I wish you well on your endevour.

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[Dutch713]

This is a very inspirational post SuperDave,

 

The woman I have been dating for 11 months has recently been questioning a lot about our relationship. Since we never really argue, have no major issues with each other, and are both genuinely happy together, I think it has a lot to do with her inability to let people into her heart (since she's told me a few times she's never done that). Also she is 23 and fresh out of college and having a hard time adjusting to the real world, still wanting freedom to do what she wants, new job, no money, etc. ... on the flip side of the coin she also wants stability and a relationship. This makes for one hell of a rollercoaster ride.

 

4 Days ago she cancelled our plans via text message. I called to talk to her and she didn't answer. I called 4x and emailed with no response... since then I have had no contact and it really sucks but all of my friends keep giving me the same advice I read so eloquently posted by you. I have no idea if this is a breakup or if she wants space and time...

 

confused and hoping.

[dreamguy]

Same case here / different story.

Gf is almost 24 and she has traveled to a new country after graduating so: "she's having a hard time adjusting to the real world, still wanting freedom to do what she wants, new job, no money, etc. ... on the flip side of the coin she also wants stability and a relationship. This makes for one hell of a rollercoaster ride."

 

To answer your question.

You should consider this to be a break up since she is not answering your calls/emails and try to move on with your life as hard as it sounds.

I think she should at least have the decency to answer your call and tell you she needs time alone and/or she needs to split.

However I don't think you should call her anymore since she is not answering. Make her wonder what you are up to and perhaps she'll call you again (still I'd be very careful even if she does get in touch).

 

 

SuperDave... great post !

[EmotionalCreature]

Hello Everyone.....

If someone wants space, give it to them.....and I mean completely. No calls, no letters, no ANYTHING....YOU DO NOT EXSIST....period!

 

SuperDave71

 

Sorry to dig up old post, but this is such a great thread.

 

How do you give space to someone, in order to get them back, while both of you still 'have to' live together for some reason?

 

My wife asked for separation and space, she's seeing someone else secretly too. I want her back. How do you give space when you know she's going out to someone and your heart really hurts but you still want her back?

[UABJC]

SuperDave,

 

Could you please read my story and give any advice, i think i know what the answer is but i need your reassurance. Thanks man.

 

 

[settinuplife]

What if they don't want space from you but don't want to date you either, they just want to be your friend "best friend," and so you, the dumpee have to cut THEM off and tell THEM you need space. Weird how it's backwards like that in my situation.

[High5girl]

Thanks SuperDave for posting this. Wish I would have seen it b4 sending my ex an email. Oh well, I know what not to do now in the future.

[Lysander29]

Hello Everyone- just want to start by saying hello and that I've basically read almost all the threads up until last May or so. SD - great advice you are giving. It was very uplifting to "watch" OCD on his personal transition.

 

Well, my story is pretty familiar with many posts. My GF (now ex) were together for just over a year. She had decided to end it in late October. This was the second major relationship I've had. The last one I broke every rule in the book! Pleading, emailing, snail mail, you name it. Safe to say that that one is long since dead. That was four years ago. I vowed to not do that again.

 

In the current/recent relationship, things were fading a little over the past two months. I could see it. No doubt she did too. We had been very close, though, and I had treated her great. Her previous bf's were by far worse. She was once married as well a few years ago, but this ended very quickly as the then-husband ended up in prison! She had no idea and filed for divorce almost immediately as expected and finally got her name back. She also claims to have never loved him to begin with- possible immigration things there (she is not from the US)

 

One of the things that led up to this breakup was the fact that she never wants to marry again- I can understand that. I'm not even in a place to consider that at this point. I'm just not ready for it. I'm 30, She's 31.

 

So, for all the talk of NC, I have been following it since I left her apartment almost 4 weeks ago after she had decided to end it. No calls, Nothing. Sure it sucks here and there and its a rollar coaster of emotions all the time, but you need to keep busy. I have since joined a gym, got a personal trainer (first time in about 10 years) and even went into therapy just to discuss these past two relationships and what went on.

 

It is all about me in NC, but sure I wonder if "the call" comes in. One issue is that she is good friends with my buddy's wife and they talk from time to time. In practicing NC, I have felt the need to even pull back from them as to not have her act as any conduit to the ex.

 

So I am hanging in here and will post- this board has some great history on it.

[need2bme]

SuperDave: Thanks again for this thread. Can we start one that is entitled;

 

"Thank God I wasn't DOOMED by my ex GF actually taking me back, because then I would have missed out on the current lady I am seeing, that actually gives a damn"

 

Thanks again for all the good advice you give!

[SuperDave71]

Need2Bme,

 

 

I am glad you found it helpful my friend.

 

Good luck to you !!

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[krnswte143]

bf and i broke up 2 weeks ago.. we been in contact briefly last week but i stopped talking to him cus i was getting confuse...probably confusing him too.. we both miss seeing/talking to each other.. i send him an email on saturday saying how confuse i am and etc..he hasnt replied back..and that waiting for the reply... its killing me...

 

 

anyways, its been 2 days i havent spoke to him. ( no emails, Ims, or phone calls). i know it'll be hard..but reading your posts and others here...made me realize i shuold go on NC for awhile. time heals the pain right?

 

we been thru a lot of drama in our relationship..so that is why he broke it up. i wont get into details cus it'l be long.

 

 

 

i see him online..and i get so tempted to IM him but i don't. I stop myself for contacting him. i dont want him to push him futhur away from me.. so if i do go on NC will he get anxious about what im doing and stuff? maybe contact me? do u think he'l miss me more?

 

 

weekends are so hard for me too! cus i use to hang out w/ him all weekend...and now being alone.....feels so empty inside without him....iono how he is feeling about it....its not a good feeling...

 

im jus so sad now.

 

any suggestions would be appreicated!

[SuperDave71]

Chatbot...

 

 

Answer your own questions .....I will reply when you do ok?

 

 

 

I think you know the answers to all of your questions.

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Hi Chatbot,

 

 

I wanted you to answer your own questions in hope that youwoudl enlighten yourself. Not a bad job whatsoever EXCEPT one thing...

 

Why don't you try answering what YOU want instead of what "SHE" wants....

 

 

Take the word "she" out of your answers and reply again....

 

 

YOu can do it....THINK FOR YOURSELF.....AND ONLY YOU!!!!

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Chatbot,

 

 

THAT my friend..is called the VOICE of reason...

 

 

Makes perfect sense to me....

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[Biffy]

chatbot, if she does initiate contact with you be prepared that it may just be out of curiosity or to use you as an emotional crutch.

 

Don't let yourself be her safety net, let her know (if she comes sniffing back around) that it's relationship or nothing.

 

And as everyone has said in the mean time focus on you and what you want to do.

[SuperDave71]

Chatbot,

 

In my experience, I think all or nothing is my attitude. My reasoning is if someone wants space, it is there way of saying "I want to be away from you" in a dating sense.....sometimes however people will subconsciously say" I need space" and mean you are driving them crazy by pressuring or making them feel like they can't have any "ME" time.

 

If someone told me, I need some space, I ould smile and say I completely understand and that would be the end of that. GIVE HER WHAT SHE IS ASKING FOR COMPLETELY. Understand by giving her all the space she needs, you are SHOWING her how much you care for her by respecting her wishes. Let her contact you. I wouldn't be so quick to pick up the phone either.

 

Why you ask? If she wanted space, why in the WORLD would you allow it to be easy to access YOU when SHE wants you..instead of lovin yourself and saying..."WHY IN THE WORLD am I waiting for her to call me? " GO OUT...hve some fun....if she calls...so what.....let the phone ring. Let her wonder what your up to. Let her know that you are NOT WAITING around for her or anyone else. Its not arrogance, its CONFIDENCE.

 

 

Take care and HAPPY THANKSGIVING....

 

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71