You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[Rickster]

puppeteer,

 

I cannot give you any advice, since you and I have met different experiences. But what I can say is that NC to me was not what you wrote. To me NC made me more calm, and approach my situation with more thought, and most important to understand my situation.

[6dalia]

hello, everyone, this as been an amazing journey for the last 2 days...I have been reading from page "one" since sunday afternoon, with a box of kleenex ...I tell you, my wound is closing way faster page after page I am reading, I follow almost 1 year of your life OCD and I wish everymen had a heart like yours,to bad your ex is "blind". Superdave , you are my new hero....and everyone else are amazing to write their stories for people like me who are looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.....tonight my heart is looking forward the future what ever I get I know it will be greater than today....

MERCI MERCI MERCI

[Jackrider]

Hey SuperDave,

 

I am eagerly awaiting ur reply..plzz give in ur expert comments to my thing as well..

 

Jackrider

[river dog]

image removed

Greetings,

 

I have spent hours reading this entire thread. It has helped so much to understand what was seemed like fog, thank you! I live alone in a small agricultural village in Southern Spain. The last couple of weeks have been dreadful. After a disastrous marriage it has been a while since I dated.

I am in non-communication with a younger woman I was going out with for a few months. She initiated the relationship ("men pick, women choose") and a lot of the early intimacy. We were both cautious but she was scared to go too fast because of a previous relationship. It looks like I scared her off.

 

So we both went NC for a few days here and there. Boy, we were stubborn.

 

Trouble was, we couldn't let it be. Her wonderful text messages made me smile and I would wish her goodnight and sweet dreams. Then she would want to see me again and back into a shallow dive in decreasing circles. Communication is a rare skill in the same language and I don't speak Spanish too well, so you can imagine some of the misunderstandings we got into.

 

Then, after some minor flirting on her part at the local fiesta, I decide to go cold turkey; not to draw her back, but for my own sanity. My heart was breaking, so I could not act rationally. I couldn't handle it and someone was going to get hurt. No-one has actually talked about dumping anyone, but she withdrew and has the control, so can be considered the dumper. I should have said "I need some space" – turned the tables, but I'll know next time she calls, if she calls. Then I am the dumper.

 

It was really tough - I wanted to move on and put this behind me but in those quieter moments I put myself in her shoes, thought back on what she had actually said to me and realised what a complete idiot I had been and how much I loved her, and what I have almost certainly lost.

 

Last Wednesday night I pop up to my local bar to hang out with neighbours and grumble about women, as one does under these circumstances. But she is in the bar with some local guys, oh dear. It is well out of her way, she never goes there, women around here do not go into bars on their own and she lives miles away.

 

So much for my cold turkey - the dealer's in town and chucking it around like confetti.

 

I walk past as if I did not see them, but she shouts my name. I don't know if this was the right thing to do as I was turned to stone but I said "Hi" with a big smile, "What are you doing here?" in a pleasant enough croak. My intenstines were so puckered up, I may as well have been chewing on a bag of lemons. Is my ego, or love?

 

She points to a guy I don't know and says "I came with him". I look accross at the scrawny buffoon, look back at her and the philandering, alcoholic Elvis haircut she is sitting with, smile, shake my head, get some change from the barman, buy some cigarettes from the machine, say "see you around" and leave.... but not as cool as I would have liked.

 

Now here is one of my mantras "she has every right to see whomever she wants and go anywhere she wants". A tough one when there only two bars in town and the other one is where the mules hold their Karaoke nights.

 

Of course, I know why she is in my bar, she wants to see me again and make me jealous. She is trying her control thing again. Makes me feel stupid but she's the one flirting with inappropriate men in my village. Guess who wins that one?

 

Anyway, I am so pissed off, I haul my precious old convertible out of the garage. A battery lead has clogged up and in working it the car fan bites me, leaving the mark of Zorro accross my knuckles and blood on the floor.

 

How wonderfully apropos, even the car has turned against me. I cruised the valley for a couple of hours shouting at the moon, which turns out to be a wonderful fluke because no-one could miss my car and everyone knows who drives it. A few days later my builder says "I saw you driving through my town the other night. Very late." "Yeah, a great party." I respond, tapping my nose.

 

He is having an affair with the ex's best friend - so that should get back to her.

 

It is early days but I have been doing a lot of thinking (in between the intellectual suicide, horoscopes and cheap beer). You know, I owe my ex a real favour. This is the kick I needed. It has forced me to consider my position, my self-esteem, put a price on my own sense of worth, redefine my values and set new goals.

 

This has already allowed me to find this great forum, full of mutual support.

 

I lost her because I did not listen, I talked to much and did not show my love through giving her the space and time she asked for. In other words I did not act - even if it meant a positive non-action, I just got needy. She was asking me to enforce NC on her, and it might have worked.

 

I really hope to win her back, but in the meantime:

 

1. I work on myself - for myself

2. I get out more - there are other women out there who would be very happy to go out with me.

3. I follow up on those interests that fell by the wayside - they are what makes me "me" after all.

4. Get my hair cut - that's what girls do when they're pissed off.

5. Buy a new wardrobe of clothes - got to look my best right?

6. I am already doing Pilates twice a week but I could do some more.

7. Keep up the diet, that and the exercise got me a date with a very hot young lady after all.

8. Pet my dog more. I have been ignoring him too much and he is very cool.

9. Make up with my old Dad. He's lonely and I have been ignoring his needs.

10. Carry on using my bar and just ignore her if she wants to keep popping around to make me jealous.

 

oh, and NO CONTACT.

 

Now, here is a another asset (as opposed to when I lived in the big cities). My ex has to come to my street every Friday, for work. I can choose to be at home, out, or in the street. An awful temptation during NC, but it means I can test the waters now and again just by walking past her or working on my car, even flirting with her again, when I am stronger. She will see what she is missing and if she has any further interest, I will know.

 

Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean I will have any further interest in her.

 

Around here, the culture is Latino macho dominated by the mother - a matriarch, so she is well used to guys chasing on her, this may completely mess with her head or it'll just fizzle out - but, as SuperDave (a wise and supportive man) has said so many times in this thread, this is for me, not her.

 

Apologies for the length of this post, it has been a kind of therapy for me.

 

I'll keep you informed, and if it looks like I am losing it - please somebody, remind me that I have duct tape in the garage

 

Best wishes, you are not alone,

River Dog

[InLoveAndWaiting]

I completely agree, I tried the letters at first and nothing works. She doesn't know if she is completely in love with me, she needs time to herself. These are things I was told and yes it hurts. All of you out there need to understand that you can't control the situation, the best you can do is take care of yourself and hope things work out. I called her for the first few weeks and she had no problem with that. My situation is a little different than some because she has children and she knows that I love them. I would call to see how things were going and to ask about the children. When I stopped calling for 2 weeks is when I got a phone call from her at 9:30pm, very unexpected. We had a great conversation and talked for like 20 min. We both still care about each other, she just doesn't know if I'm the one. We are still on good terms and we've never fought with one another. She has had a difficult time in relationships in the past, and maybe she wasn't ready yet. I respect that and I love her and the kids enough to let her have time to figure things out, as hard as that is for me. She knows that I am here for her no matter what. I truly believe that if I give her time we have another chance together, but I can't stop living my life in the meantime.

[SuperDave71]

Thank you so much River Dog and InLovenadWaiting.

 

 

I really apprecaite your comments.

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[river dog]

Thank you so much River Dog and InLovenadWaiting.

 

 

I really apprecaite your comments.

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

 

You're welcome SuperDave, I have read a lot of your replies - I don't agree with all them but it's a touchy subject to deal with and I can see you read every post to make sure you understand the issues and the timing of your advice.

 

Congrats and I promise to post my progress with NC. In fact, I have some news right now. So I will.

[papalazarou]

I have been following this thread over the last few days with extreme interest. I have to say that at the moment I am doing LC because yes I do want the ex g/f back. And yes I am also doing the "friends" thing.

 

We have come along way since 2 weeks ago when basically she hated the sight of me but a bit of NC on both sides seems to have provided moments of clarity on both sides. We are now in the stages of LC, indeed we have even met a couple of times.

 

Once so I could see her kids (she has two boys, me two girls) and the second time to talk in an adult, mature way about the separation (which was kind of mutual) but leave no stone unturned so when we see each other again we dont have to talk about 'issues' anymore. We have both kind of left it in abeyance for now. I would like nothing more than to resume but she has alot going on at the moment (and its a long long list) and I know she couldnt commit 100% to us at this stage bearing in mind we are 'separated' or 'not together'.

 

Im happy to be friends at the moment. Why? Because about 4 years ago I lost everything my home, my wife, my car, my kids (although I see them at weekends). I was at my parents with about 5 bags of clothes and a PC to my name.

 

Since then I have now got a flat, a good group of about 8 or 9 really, really close friends (you know the sort that always rally round even if you aint seen them for a bit), I still do my Tae Kwon Do (exercise helps) and have joined a gym, it also helps that one or two mates are still single.

 

thereforeeee having gone thru that I can handle seeing the ex g/f every now and then and dont go to pieces, if anything I try and keep it light and funny - get her smiling. I went to Prague and bought her some Passion Fruit Tic Tacs. Oh I could have bought clothes and shoes and expensive presents but she really saw the funny side. When you have lost nearly everything it doesnt seem so bad splitting from her (but its still painful).

 

However I must admit my plan is to get back together. I believe that this can be obtained by being her friend at the moment. Let me say I have not begged or pleaded or sent texts or emails - apart from the very first day when she said I seem to be happy about the split and I said im not and had a bit of a cry down the phone...then apologised the next day. The she had a drunken rant at me a day or two later and so I went NC until I got back from my prague stag do when she contacted me.

 

Anyway maybe at the moment she is treating me as a comfort blanket, I dont know. I seem to be the first person she calls if there is something wrong which at the moment I dont mind because in a weeks time we are going to a mates wedding and about two weeks later we are going on holiday for a week.

 

I thought what the hell - we were best mates for about 8 months and I cant think of anyone I would rather go with.

 

I suppose I have mentally healed a bit quicker because of my previous experience.

 

However if there looks to be no hope of 'recovery' for the relationship after the holiday then I shall be strictly NC and will actually tell her that unless she wants to get back together I cannot do the friends thing anymore. I gave it a go, my best shot as it were.

 

But I think a month of being her friend is worth it at the moment. She knows through my actions that I would like to get back together and maybe we will.

 

As my mate Ady said : I think that she does want you mate but she has major issues that have nothing to do with you but affect everything. I think that you were correct in saying that the holiday will be the be all & end all. If that goes wrong then its goodbye & good luck im afraid.

[Nick_t]

Hi SuperDave,

 

What an amazing guy you are. I have read your thread and your advice and it has really kept me strong and move on. Please may you read my recent thread and offer any advice or opnion. It will be so much appreciated!

 

'Just started NC + work - what is she thinking?'

 

Thanks

[Delusion]

Super Dave,

 

Not sure if you saw my story but if you could please read it and the following link too. I'm new to this forum but I've seen a lot of good postings from you especially on NC so I'm happy that you are back. Your last posting was what I needed especially b/c I'm having a rough time with NC at the moment. I would appreciate any advice on my situation. My ex and I shared so much in a short amount of time, he was loving, caring, we have the same values, close to our parents, same small likes and dislikes, he loved to go shopping with me and we both went to Church together. I wish with all my heart that it's meant to be our paths will cross again. I don't want to lose hope or faith that this can happen but I know I must not wait. This is so hard for me especially b/c a lot of things around me remind me of him including the condo I bought a couple months ago rigth after our breakup, the furniture, gifts he gave me and the moments we shared.

 

I could really use your encouraging words at this moment.

 

 

 

 

 

-Delusion

[amazone]

RD,

You are doing the right thing. Unfortunately, even getting her back will always be hurtful if you have the same expectations. She sounds like she has fear of intimacy. Don't you have friends who you can hang out with to stop obsessing about her? Can you shift your interest onto other women? I know, it's too early, but that's the best way to mentaly detach from this mess.

[river dog]

RD, Don't you have friends who you can hang out with to stop obsessing about her? Can you shift your interest onto other women? I know, it's too early, but that's the best way to mentaly detach from this mess.

 

Thanks for the support Amazone. I live in a small village surrounded by other small villages. Not ideal dating territory but I am working on it. I have a phone number but she is too young and her Dad will kill me.

 

I am still so mad I let it get this far. The signs were there but after 15 years of marriage, I must of forgotten

 

River Dog

[amazone]

How old is she? What did you expect emotionally from someone that immature? That was doomed to be painful. Believe me, I have been that girl and I had nothing to give, really. Can you get out of the village and take a break from that scene? Believe me, it's worth the effort. A change of scenery will allow you to keep things in proportions.

[PRSOV]

Wow, I have spent hours reading this thread. Sound advice superdave...

 

I am in almost two weeks of NC now, I don't know exactly because I have lost count. I am having weak days and strong days but my love isn't dying any less.

 

I hope your advice works, thanks

 

PR

[LeftBehind]

I know this is like a year late, but the original post is totally right.

 

With me. My situation is a little twisted.

 

I met this girl. She had been dating a guy for 3.5 years. They weren't doing very well. She and I feel very hard for each other. VERY hard. She and I had this connection, this higher connection, I've never experienced before with anyone. It was weird too. She would be talking, and I would accidentally complete her thought before she was finished...and this happened over and over and over. She mentioned it, and how strange....but amazing it was.

 

We were like in a different world when we were "together", though we never actually dated. No one could really comprehend what we felt for each other.

 

Things were great. But. Then the sh** hit the fan. My life away from her began to kinda crumble. I went into a pretty bad depression. She broke up with her boyfriend finally, and when she did this she began ignoring me. I was left thinking I had done something wrong, so I made this biggest mistake in the book. I got clingy. Very clingy. Some of this was her doing though, because I kept asking her what was going on....and it took her two weeks to tell me she was ignoring everyone, not just me, because they had broken up...and I didn't know they had broken up.

 

She did tell me before she would need alot of time after they broke up, and that she wasn't stringing me along...that she had faith this would work out or whatever...she also said we could still hang out even when she needed the time....but this turns out to be false...

 

So....for a while... a few weeks, I got more and more clingy...I sent her emails and spun out of control. I'm sure if she told anyone about it, they'd think I was a complete psycho.

 

We also liked to communicate between our myspace accounts, and it got to the point where I was obsessed. I would check my myspace ALL DAY to see if she had sent me something. I didn't stalk her, but I could easily see it progressing toward that. I told her that myspace was unhealthy, I deleted my account...I got upset she had taken me off her top 8 (very petty thing to get mad at), and I finally said enough was enough and got away from that site. I'm totally anti myspace now btw, I think it's a terrible site.

 

In the end, I screamed at her. Claiming she had strung me along, that she was a liar...she called me dramatic (deservedly so) and said that her feelings had changed (in a very short time, I might add)....

 

So I responded telling her I was deleting her number, and that I was forcing myself to leave.

 

She responded with "Maybe it's for the best right now, we both obviously have some demons to work through...good luck...."

 

The "right now" part is what really struck me.

 

It's really unfair when you tell people "for now" or "right now" or whatever because subconsciously it leaves them hanging on....

 

But anyway. It's been 2 months and 10 days since I last made any contact with her.

 

Don't plan on ever EVER initiating contact with her.

 

Honestly I don't know anymore. Some days I feel like we'll reconnect again someday because of the intense, insane connection we had, but then there's other days when it makes me wanna throw up thinking about seeing her again.

 

Honestly I'm really embarrassed for the way I acted when it got rough. I'm not saying she's innocent. She was very immature in leaving me hanging like that for so long, knowing I was thinking I had screwed up or something....

 

I dunno what'll happen.

 

But I agree. NC is the only solution when things get to that point. THE ONLY solution.

 

I guess the only difference here is, we never got to see what could have been because of what happened....

 

Maybe that's a reason it has a better chance of rekindling? Nah, that's probably just wishful thinking.

[SoulInParaphrase]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here, but have read most of the thread. SD you're awesome and I think your advice is totally the right thing, even though it seems counter-intuitive.

 

Unfortunately, I read the thread a little too late, after I sent her the following email. The relationship was only a month, but with several dates a week and long dates. I know, short, but it was actually good, with both of us, I think, seeing a future. And while I see that NC is for me, I still would like to know whether in your opinion, I have sort of ruined chances of reconciliation with the email by giving her all the power, etc.

 

We had had a fight a week or so ago the breakup fight where she said we shouldnt go out anymore, but changed her mind a few minutes later. I just mention that because it was the "thing" I mention in the email that bothered me.

 

Here's the email

 

(NAME)

 

This will be the last letter I write to you if I do not hear back. Perhaps it's a moment of weakness, but I nonetheless feel compelled to say something to you. I hope that you will take it as I mean it.

 

While it was but a month, and it has been just a week, I enjoyed us, and how we are together. I think you did the same. I liked our walks, and I remember looking into each others' eyes over dinner. I don't fathom how long it must be before you can care for someone, or miss someone, but I address it now only because it seems to figure in your thoughts.

 

I think you know how I feel about the specter which shadowed me, so I won't speak of it anymore.

 

I just know that it seemed that I was always looking for apologies, and I apologize for that. I do. It must be a bad feeling. My only defence was that I sometimes felt as if I was being judged without the real story. If it means anything I was more looking for an indication that you didn't really think that.

 

I am also sorry for the things I said which hurt you. I was angry with what I felt was sarcasm and mocking, and a bit taken aback, and yet I apologize. I don't think you're callous, and it was not right even at that time to say it.

 

And thereforeeee I apologize. I hope, too, that what happened wasn't because the kinkier stuff scared you. I wish the truth could be known before it can be shown. My everyday actions are who I am, and how I am, when I'm with someone. And that translates into the bedroom. I suppose that's all I can hope to convey. I don't like to think that I could permit it to so misrepresent myself. I still think it to be not right if you discounted my everyday actions for that reason, but to an extent that doesn't matter.

 

In the end, all I am meaning to say is that, if that which bothered me was a mistake, on either of our parts, I "wouldn't be opposed," in fact, I'd want to see you again and talk. The rest seemed right.

 

So, if anything I've said rings true let me know somehow. I've been known to be mistaken but at the least I want to think that I've set things right.

 

-----

 

Anyway, any opinion on whether I've messed things up with this email?

[SuperDave71]

Guess who is back on board?

 

 

I am!! I needed a break to find myself again and I am back to listen. Thank you for your patience and kindness...I hope I can continue to help and bless others as I have been blessed.

 

 

Your friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[SoulInParaphrase]

Yay, just in time

[SuperDave71]

I will try to answer questions this evening...I have a long day ahead of me today! I hope all are doing well.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[sddeaston]

I have ruined my relationship with my fiancee, my son's mother. She has informed me as of last night that she is going to move, she needs to be happy. Things are not in any way bitter between us, as I have granted her wish, because I know now that all I want is for her to be happy. I love her so much. I do in fact want her back, but not until I fix the things that are the reason for our problems. They are issues with myself. I was unhappy with me, and in turn was grumpy and didn't treat her like I should have. No abuse, physical, emotional or verbal. Nothing like that. Just really irritable, grumpy. I was at one point pretty jealous too. I would like to think that we still have a shot. But, knowing that I had about a year to fix myself, and didn't, I know that this may be our fate. I am wondering...would this "strategy" be considered manipulative? I don't want to play mind games to get her back in my life.

 

It makes sense, though. Absense makes the heart grow fonder. I just want her to come back on her free will. My last relationship ended because of the same, and I did all the cliche things that drove her away. I can make a difference in my life this time....but refuse to coax her back.

[Rickster]

LeftBehind... I'm not sure whether you wanted advice or just to conversate about your incident because you have answered your own questions and taken the actions. Also, you must remember, the both of you weren't in a relationship, so you and her shouldn't expect anything out of each other. I think you were really caught in a moment where you couldn't think properly (same as me) and you didn't think slowly through things and understand the situation carefully, instead you took rash decisions. I remember when my ex broke up with me, I couldn't understand why, and I got stressed out and did the first thing that came into my head. It's kind of irreversible from this point.

Although, after one and a half years, we started talking on the internet and for some reason we got into a conversation about people changing and I did ask her whether I changed (we hardely talked to each other and hardely met up). She said I was a different person, and bascially the conversation was all about what happened because I never knew what happened, and I also never got the chance to apologise for my actions. So I felt quite relieved to know her feelings which had kept me thinking for ages and kept me suffering. I totally understood the situation, and just hearing it from her made it feel better for me (I guessed what happened but I didn't know if it was true).

[LeftBehind]

Unless she kept my phone number, there's no way she could contact me now I don't think. I deleted my myspace an eternity ago, and she doesn't know my real emails. One mutual friend still has my number, but she'd have to ask him for it.

 

I was looking for advice, but I guess I didn't convey my post the correct way.

 

I am 99 percent over it. It's been nearly 3 months since I last spoke to her.

 

To be honest, I don't think I want to know her side of things. IMO I think ignorance in this case would be bliss. Actually, this far removed from it, I don't think I even care about how she feels about it anymore.

 

At the end, she took a small piece of my actions and labeled me that way completely. Generalized me. Ridiculous, and totally wrong.

 

I got dramatic during a short 2 month period of my life, but what about all the times before that? The things we talked about, the places our minds went. It was on a different level than anything I've ever read about or experienced here, because it took my mind places I never thought existed.

 

So, while on her side of things she was dealing with a complete mess of a situation, on my side...my life had been a real mess for a long time...and from January to middle May, things were opposite of that. Things were blissful really.

 

It's like she chose to ignore the real me, and focus on the insanity that I was during those 6-7 weeks, which is totally and completely unfair and wrong.

 

To me, now, looking back after 3 months of total NC. I think it shows more about her character and about her lack of maturity in the way she chose to handle things. In the immature way she chose to let me stew around in my own mess, when one simple line of text could have avoided so much drama.

 

Now that I see her as a human being, and not the perfect "princess" I made her out to be back then, I see her faults. She puts everything off. If it's a difficult situation she labels it "drama" and cops out by saying "I'm not one for the drama" then ignores it until it explodes.

 

I've done a ton of growing up the last 3 months, and if she hasn't already, she really needs to do the same.

 

I feel strung along, and played. I feel like I was used to fill a void temporarily, and when she no longer needed me I was cast aside.

 

I guess my only real question was, why would she just totally ignore all the good stuff that I am and all the things that took place, and choose to focus on a tiny fragment of time when I was having a rough go of it? I don't understand this train of thought. I guess that's because I'm not a player.

 

If she just bails like that when the going gets rough, then she can stay away forever as far as I'm concerned.

 

I won't ever attempt to contact her, because frankly now that I'm emotionally dettached and don't want to be with her....why would I?

[Tricia23]

I Need any experts help....(Super Dave if your there, any advice would be great)

 

 

I started dating E in 2002. Things were great for about the first 2 years. After then it started going downhill. So I said for us to separate for a while. During that seperation I met someone else and started seeing this person. We never became boyfriend/girlfriend, just saw each other alot. E found out about it and got extremely upset. We broke up for a while, but eventually worked things out and got back together. The next year went great, but then again in June things weren't the best, so we separated again. (I know that wasn't right, but we needed to see if we could make it work) I never had any intention to see other guys at all, but during that seperation, I had lost feelings for him for about 2 weeks or so. I wasn't sure if they were going to come back, but in time they certainly did. We didn't really talk as much as we did while we were together, nor did we hang out alot, or do any of the things we did while we were dating. I mean the feelings were still there and we acted like a couple everytime we were around each other.

 

But this past month, E told me that he had lost feelings for me because of this seperation, and he wanted to end it with me. After a few times of asking him to give it another try, he agreed to try and be friends to see what could come out of it. It hurts me like crazy to think we have to start from friends. Everytime I see him, I cry because I love him and I want to be with him more than anything. I know I should just try and be myself, but after 4 years of dating I can't just see him as friends. When we do see each other, we act like a couple, hold hands kiss, share intimacy etc.... I don't get it. Then when I talk to him about my feelings, he always tells me the same thing "Let's just see what happens, It's 50/50. It could either turn out good and we get back together or it can turn out bad, and we will go our separate ways. He says he always will have feelings for me, but not like the way he did. He also says it has nothing to do with me, its just him. He's very confused right now and he isn't sure what he wants to do so thats why he needs the space to figure that out.

 

He doesn't want a relationship with me or any other girl. He isn't interested in other girls in anyway he tells me. Is he lying to me?? He's re-assured me multiple times, but he says he just wants to concentrate on himself not any other girls/ I want to see what happens, because we have been together for so long. Please if anybody can help. What should I do? Should I stick around to see if there is a possibility, or should I just let it go?? I don't want to let it go, I still want him.........Please Help!!

[Rickster]

It seems like as though you blame this incident on her. When my ex first broke up I put the blame totally on her for not being strong enough to wait for me for another few months to come back when I had the strength to wait for 9 months. But now I have to disagree with that thought. After awhile I started to think that it was both our faults. I thought that I did not give my best and got mad about small silly issues. I was pretty young and not mature enough yet, although I was becoming to be (I was 14 when we first met and broke up when I was 16). So I don't believe a break up is based on one person's doing, its based on both sides wrong doings.

 

I only hear her wrong doings, because you are writing your emotions, but I can't hear her emotions. So I don't know the whole story. It would be quite unfair to judge something based on one's opinion.

 

I still feel you actually expected your friendship to be a relationship, but again you must remember you weren't in a relationship. So she didn't expect anything to happen when she stopped talking to you. But you did. And took it too far for her.

 

For your main question... Well... people remember the bad side of things very well. And also because it was the last thing you did, that makes her only remember you as that. She might also think that that was your real character and all along you were faking your personality when you had your good times with her. I did the same persuading and some terrible things when my ex broke up with me, and she remembered me as that, until we had that online chat that she really understood me again and what I did was out of desperation. Because it was something quite horrible and it was probably something that haunted her thoughts and the last things I did, she just remembered and thought of me as that 'bad' person. She didn't even want to acknowledge me, and speaking to her was like speaking to a wall, I felt sad, but it was my stupid actions that caused her to avoid me. If I hadn't done those horrible things, I probably won't be remembered as that horrible person. I explained myself to her, but I'm not sure whether you might want to, you sound in a rage when you talk about her, who wouldn't, but try to use NC to calm down and think over about the things that you've done and try to think of it as her and as an outsider.

[LeftBehind]

I don't really blame it on her. Actually it was the opposite. I blamed myself entirely for a while, and am only now beginning to see her faults as a person.

 

I totally dropped the ball on this one. I screwed up ROYALLY and acted like a lunatic.

 

But, despite what I felt at first...even as early as when I wrote my first post here...I'd much rather just move on with my life I think....and put it behind me...rather than try and see it from her perspective or an outsider's....

 

I was interested to hear other people's viewpoints, that's why I posted it.

 

And as far as the rage goes. Anger is the one emotion I constantly struggle with. So I stay angry...even after the hurt, pain, attachment and stuff are long gone. I can still get enraged about it.

 

She could show up at my door step today confessing her love to me, and I'd turn her down.

 

To be honest, I don't know what happened to me really. I feel as though I was possessed for 2 months almost....who I "Was" then, really isn't who I truly am.

 

She told me she had fallen in love with me too. Now, yes, we weren't in a relationship. But it was not a friendship.

 

She later on tried to backtrack these statements she made to me, and tried to cop out on them....trying to change a couple of words and tell me she really said something else.

 

She fell in love with me, and she told me this to my face.

 

That's the part I'm so angry about. Either I was lied to in the most backstabbing, disturbing way I can ever imagine, or she's lieing to herSELF.

 

I totally agree though. I did and said alot of really bad things, that I didn't mean at all.