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You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

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Thanks Dave....


I needed to read that at this point in time. I am currently in NC with my ex right now. We agreed to not talk for a couple months..it was more MY decision, but it's still tough.


What's hard for me about NC is always thinking in the back of my mind that if we don't talk, that somehow we will forget about each other. Silly I know, but it's something I think that keeps many people from being diligent about it. I know the reality is that it makes them think of you MORE..not less...so this is one the the hardest things for ME to deal with.

I am also scared to death that we will both change so much that we might not like each other anymore if we wait too long.

It's tough....

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How many people out here have done things that seemed like a great idea, yet did not turn out as expected. ( I.E. Calling, meeting thm out unannounced, cards, letters, IM's etc etc. )?? We have all done it because we are too hurt and let our broken hearts take over instead of our brains. I have done it myself. Trust me.....it hurts more when you do something of the best intension and it only gets thrown in your face later as manipulative and deceiving.


Well said and I agree with this. It's been 2-months since my GF broke

with me which came out of the blue and up to now I'm still confused.

I learned this technique from a relationship counselor. He suggested

to stay away for a month or two, then try to contact in a friendly

manner. No relationship talk, just ask her out for coffee.

Has anyone tried this? Stayed away for 2months then tried

to contact? Any success?

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To answer the last question...... Yes..It worked with me



My Ex. whom I still love, was heartbroken since April. Her boyfriend after me broke up with her in April. Who did she call? Who has she wanted to hang out with? I get mixed signals ALLLLL the time. I hear about how "He was my soulmate"...."I looked at him and I knew"...I hear it all about he OTHER guy. What do I do....I listen ( with clinched teeth ) BUT I listen....Then she kisses me or wants to be held....Um....ya know...I am NOT stupid enough to fall for that...if he came back tomorrow...She woudl be gone. We dated for 7 years. They dated 8 months. **sigh** Makes ya wanna cry doesn't it! ha ha. Well anyway, we are going Salsa dancing tonight and i am goingto have fun no matter what..because right now..its all about me.......




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Thank you, congrats that it worked for you. Dating seven years is a long

time. Based on the 8-month relationship with the other bf, so you did

not have any contact with her for 8 months? There might be a chance

for me....... it's just been just 2-months since I talked with my GF.

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My ex and I are not together..we do spend time together alot but I give her all the space she needs. I do not pressure..or push or prod. I am me. I have worked on me because in teh end..I am all that I have....I only have the power to change me.





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Do not let the thought of, "But if I don't see them, or contact them, they will forget me, or move on." Stop over romanticising. Let nature take it's course. YOU CANNOT CHANGE WHAT WILL HAPPEN...BUT....you can however INCREASE your odds by NOT DOING THE THINGS THAT PUSH EX lover's away.



I know what you mean, I think this way all the time; however, I am to the point I don't care anymore. If they truly love you, they will come back. If not move on.


I have initiate NC for 1.5 weeks. He called me one day 8 times, text me on Friday, called again 1:00 in the morning 3 days after, and now called again 2 days ago. It was his birthday, I just simply ignore it. NO Bday emails, letters, called. NOTHING.





Every time I get weak, I call, and than back to square 1. DEPRESSION.

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The most common mistake I hear in this forum is .... "Well I did it again"...or "I just picked up the phone and it started out great but then it turned...." I hear them all the time. There are several of us that just sit and read post after post after post.....we crindge to hear the same errors over and over and over. If you don't learn from others......you don't learn.



3 types of people in the world.



1. Those who do NOT learn from there mistakes - Fools



2. People who learn from their mistakes - Smart



3. People who learn from OTHER people's mistakes - Wise



Really quite simple to understand....but sometimes very hard to do. I know waiting for the phone to ring lasts forever...or when you might see them or hear from them...Been there and done that..My BIG BIG pat on the back was to take the words of a wise man ( My brother ) and DO NOTHING. I thought that was insane but the more I thought about it....The more it worked.


Trust me....do not push anyone.....you will push them away. The object is to get them closer..




-Good luck,




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I agree superdave. It was only when I gave up and stopped caring, stopped talking to the ex, and just did nothing that she came back. She's giving a few signs of wanting to work things out.


However, just like in the movie swingers...she called to late. My new girl i slowly putting me under her spell..haha

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Two VERY effective words yet HARD to stick to Dave..."DO NOTHING".

Something as SIMPLE as looking at a screen name online ..and it takes everything in you to either sign off...or just ignore it. Or NOT picking up that phone to dial their number....even if it IS just to hear their voice.

You would think that after getting burned a few times people would learn not to go there again...yet, we still do it. I am guilty of it. Been there done that. Not too proud of it, but I have had my "stupid" moments. I did like your line..."If you do nothing, then you can't screw anything up" lol

Isn't THAT the truth!!!


Thanks Dave reading your post has helped me NOT "go there"...

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It is soooooo much easier to do nothing ( yes I know it sounds crazy )..rather than to take 10 steps forward in you feeling better..then do something wrong and take 20 steps back.


Then you end up being depressed and then feeling STUPID at the SAME TIME...and by the way echo...WE ALL HAVE DONE IT!!




ha ha



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Hahaha Dave....Yeah feeling depressed AND stupid at the same time, is a real kick in the crotch eh? Just the medicine we need to DO NOTHING!! lol

So Dave....what kind of "stupid " things have you done to get your ex back? What was the outcome?

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Well, I called and pleaded and said I had changed. Blah blah blah....Then it hit me..... why am I setting myself up for defeat! Why am I hurting myself? It didn't do me any good at all. One of the hardest things I ever did was to do NOTHING..... If it were a friday night...and I stayed home and didn't do anything..big deal...but the woman of my dreams came along and she was getting away...but I remained cool. ( Lots of tears, and depression ) but I did nothing. 2 weeks later..I received a call. We talked but I made it short and sweet. Again, I did nothing....2 weeks later...she called. Short and sweet. A week goes by....she called....



Then.... a month goes by....she called. This went on for 8 months. When teh love of her life dumped her, she started calling again....wanted to come over...and I had to listen to stories about him. Over and over..it hurt like hell but I loved this woman and I listened to her. I truly listened. She began to open up to me a small bit at a time....



In short, we went Salsa dancing last night and she spent the night with me. We even made love ( sorry about the TMI ) last night over and over....but I am still very cautious....I give her attention...but not too much..I do not call ..she calls me. I am trying to let her miss me. Doesn't this sound familiar.??



I don't care who you are...I don't care what has happened with your ex..male or female.... if you are doing stupid things...STOP and get control of yourself.



If you car begins to swerve and you loose control...do you let go of the wheel? or do you get a hold of yourself and steer clear? Well NOw you have your answer.





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I am copying and pasting this in my email Dave. Thanks.

I wish I had found this site months and months ago I really do. It would have helped me prevent doing SO many stupid things. I guess it's better late than never though.

I am glad things seem to be turning in your favor Dave...not many get the opportunity to right wrongs with their ex'es...or to be on those kind of terms. I just hope for YOUR sake that your ex doesn't do a complete turnaround on you and break your heart again. I know you said you are being cautious, but it STILL hurts a lot.

I am currently just "doing nothing"...but it's only been a very short period of time. NC started Monday. I know I can do this, it's just the not knowing what's going to happen. Is he ever going to come back? Does he even miss me? Does he even care?? Will we EVER talk again? Doing nothing leaves it completely up to HIM and what if he NEVER wants to come back?

I guess it all comes down to giving up control of everything...and leaving it in their hands.. but to be honest...right NOW, it feels kind of good not trying to think of things to do to get him back. It feels good to know I'm not going to screw up..because I'm not doing anything..lol MAYBE doing nothing is what it's all about.

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Echo, this is where you are wrong


I guess it all comes down to giving up control of everything...and leaving it in their hands..



You are leaving it in YOUR hands...this is what you don't understand. You are not doing this for them...You are doing it FOR YOU!



There are NO GUARANTEES...NONE..I can promise you nothing. the only thing I am saying is the only gurantee you have is by doing nothing....you prevent putting salt on an already open wound. Let time heal.....it will possibly heal him as well as yourself. You can do this.....Hockeyboy and myself have shared MANY a story.....if we can do it...so can you.




I am not saying give up...I am saying "Stop trying.......for now" and work on yourself.





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Thanks for rephrasing that for me Dave..that's actually what I meant to say about the control thing. I DO feel more in control by doing nothing actually, although it's not really an ACTION. lol Kind of weird, but true.

I will keep you all posted though. Thanks for the great posts Dave, I am inspired !!

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Well, I just pushed you in the right direction is all....You are doing the hard part yourself. I applaude you for it as well.


Remember, talk is cheap......saying you will change...or even them saying they will change is a death trap. Actions speak louder than words..right? That is another reason why you say nothing ( Phone calls, e-mails, IM's, voice mails, text..etc etc.) Because by doing NOTHING ....they will wonder what you are up to ...we all want what we can't have.



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What if a year from now, it's her birthday, and you've remain NC up until then. Should you send a postcard that says happy birthday and leave it at that?


Answer: I believe in being polite and original without expecting anything in return. If you cannot handle, even after a year, sending a card...and not getting any response....send away. Ask yourself....If she does not respond, will you be upset? Will this only set you back? Would she do teh same for you at this time in your lives?




What if you see them in the halls or in class as you walk past them? Do you smile and say 'hi' or ignore them and pretend like u didn't see them?


Answer: First of all this is a silly question...You hold you chin up ( even if you are feeling low) and if you see them, give a friendly smile..be genuine. If you ignore anyone passing by that sees you... you instantly become a JERK!! Make sense?



What if she's sick and you found out through one of ur friends. Should u stop by and drop off some medicine and leave?


Answer: When did you become a doctor or a nuurse? YOU"RE MAKING EXCUSES TO TALK TO HER OR BE WITH HER!!! STOP IT NOW!!!


My gf broke up wtih me last month. I'm on my 3rd week of NC, except I saw her one of my mutual friend's party last week, but we didn't really talk except say 'hi' and 'bye'.


Advice: Keep it up.....Don't be a jerk...Women hate flaky or arrogant men. Women can see through Bu**s**t a mile away. You just be you and stop trying to see, talk, touch, hug, etc etc her in anyway.


Work on yourself more and more.....you will feel, look and gain back your old confidence....possibly she will start to look at you differently in the future.



Good Luck~~




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Hey New...not sure what Dave will say, but I will bet he'll say DO NOTHING.

My ex is seeing someone else now...not sure how often but I assume he is seeing her if he has slept with her. Honestly...for ME knowing that helps me move on rather than try to stick around pining. I know the grass is not always greener. Sometimes they need to just find out on their own. Your ex is in the beginning stages of a new relationship...everything is ALWAYS good in the beginning. Wait till things fall apart..and they will, they always do. Dave gave some excellent tips on what or what NOT to do...and I agree that it's easier to do NOTHING ...

Just bide your time and work on yourself

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I think this has got to be one of the most informative threads I have read on all the boards. Thanks Dave!!


I've been seeing a Therapist for the past three weeks. Last night we explored this No Contact theory as it relates to me. You can read my story in another thread somewhere.


But in any event, NC for me is to stop and think about what my ulterior motive is when it comes to any contact. We have a business that we run together. However, in reality since his portion is so small, I don't NEED to contact him. He calls me, I am polite, business related and that's it.


We run into each other and his OW every Thursday night. The first three weeks were rough, but we've since had a long talk, he's getting his peace and quiet and yes living with this strange OW. Our social events had been a big issue for me because we had two to three nights a week where we socialized as a couple and threw darts w/friends. Well out of those nights, the only one that REALLY mattered to me was Thursday tournaments. That is the night I will continue to go.


The Therapist said that last week I proved there was no ulterior motive for me. When he called to say he wasn't going to be able to make it, I still went ahead and went, never offering/enabling him the fundage to go. That proved that it really was for me to go. The rest of the nights I will not go because as I have learned, the people that I thought were OUR friends, were only trying to sabotage our relationship further, and are now toxic in my book. Another long story, covered in my original post.


He has his space and I have mine to work out our issues. He prefers to run and hide into the bottle of beer and another woman. I prefer to meet with a therapist and work on my and making me a healthier person. The NC is getting easier to do for me as each day passes. I still love him, I still want him to come home. His stuff is here, he sends mixed signals (signs of jealousy, smiling at me the old smile, etc) and I am in the "grey area." But I am working on me...and that's all I can do for now. My therapist said I may be in the grey area for awhile...but it's important for me to stop and think about what I do and how I act and what are my motives and what do I want to happen.


I agree with Dave...having Contact allows us to do things that can possibly push them away further. When he thought I went out of town, he tried to find out where I was going or who I was going with...sheesh, I stayed home and just left EVERYONE alone and pulled myself together. It was a great little soul healing holiday!!

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