You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[SuperDave71]

Congrats Queenofvalidation,

 

I haven't heard or seen my ex in two weeks. I know she works alot but I suspect she has met someone. It's ok. My phone will ring soon enough. It may take another 2 weeks but it will ring. My ex fell in love with a guy 2 years ago after our breakup and she still called me even though she said ( at the time) he was her "soul mate".

 

New relationships are always great starting out. It's within the 3 to 4 month period that people begin to become themselves and show their true colors.

 

I am unsure what isgoing on with her but since I haven't even received a phone call....something is a miss.

 

Last time I saw her she pretended we were still a couple...so here we go again..

 

 

NC all the way!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Rickster]

SuperDave... May I ask whether you have some days where you think about your ex and get emotional about your past and the stupid things you've done, even after so long? I just wonder whether someone like you with such strong inspirational words and great belief in your actions have such feelings. I still do get one of these days that just come by, I don't mind it, it reminds me of the one thing I was proud of back then.

[SuperDave71]

Rickster,

 

I breathe in and out just like you do....

 

 

I think about my past...but when I do, I think about all teh wonderful things I did in the relationship and how I was taken advantage of. I was not given HALF of what I put in. It makes me angry when I think about it.

 

My ex still assumes I guess I will always be around. My phone has not rung in weeks. The last time she was here ( 2 weeks ago) she was all lovely. Of course 2 weeks have past and I find myself getting angry and more angry not at her...but at myself for being so human and to assume she had good intensions.

 

I now know her selfishness has and probably will never change.

 

Please do not get me wrong, I am NOT nor have I waited on her...I am me. I have seen my ex and I do consider us very close. I just know the type of person I am and I have a big heart. I don't want to treat people unkindly.

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[yoley]

SuperDave,

 

interesting...same situation...and I'm struggling with looking forward to amazing weekly dates with the ex (she's 37, I'm 41) (tons of laughs, great talks and great kissing at the end...all smiles)..but then she disappears..only to reappear days later...asking me to go for a run with her, or out to a movie. I suspect she is dating others and possibly with someone new..but she'd never tell me...she always needs a private side of her.

 

We split up with her asking for space and time to figure things out...just wanted to be friends. Low self esteem, adrenaline junkie doctor, doesn't want to be controlled, very independent, always travelling, crys when we talk about her disapproving mother, attracted to fireman and cops, can't sit down and relax, totally stressed out because of work, self proclaimed emotional scar of not being able to love anyone. So why do I want her back? Good question.

 

So I have given her tons of space but occasionally have asked questions..which she replies with "everytime you ask questions, you push me away"...clearly not a basis for building anything. But then she says, "when you give me space, I always come back to you". Which is true.

 

BUT..i firmly believe she's avoiding addressing the scars, and everytime I do ask about "us"...it hits a nerve and doesn't want to think about it. She does deeply care for me..this I do know...she's told me many times.

 

By the way, our 7 months relationship when we were together was amazing. Her only reason for ending it was that she was afraid in two years she may not feel anything deeper for me.

 

So what does one do? I've been out dating but only after waiting a few months for her to figure out what she wants. But she hasn;t figured it out yet. She suspects I'm dating. I can't just sit and wait for her. At times where I tell her I can't do this anymore, she gets very sad, begs me to not end it...and I come back immediately.

 

Yes...I do believe I'm a doormat.

 

But we do meet up every now and then...and it's wonderful for both of us.

 

Sigh

 

Options:

1. Tell her i'm done with it..go complete NC and stay with it...really give her a taste of what it is like without me in her life...but also, to really get on with my life. It may take her years to figure herself out.

 

2. Stay in limited contact. SHE does call me, and ask me out .I have cut back on calling her immensely. Enjoy the dates with her as they occur, no expectations, and keep dating others. When she is ready for commitment, we'll have a great friendship to continue to build on if the timing is right for both of us. But certianly, I'm not always available to her and it does drive her crazy.

 

3. Wait because I told her I would. She is working on her issues in her own time. Perhaps her dating others (which I'm sure will fail) might help her understand what her issues are. Also, she has a major love scar from her parents hurting her when she was a teen..if I'm perceived as abondoning her, then this may not bode well for us.

 

I suppose the question is , what am I willing to handle? I don't want to wait. That looks and feels desperate and certianly not alpha-male behavior.

 

I don't want NC..but...it might be the healthiest option for me and force her to see what she really feels about me. NC now while we're still very close might be timely.

 

Continue LC, keep up the deep friendship and occasional great dates...but date others..but back away from the thoughts of reconcilliation? - this might be the healthiest for us...but certainly is a challenge and a test of emotional control.

 

SD... complicated no?

 

Comments? Opinions? Kicks in the head?

 

- Yoley

[papalazarou]

Yoley

 

I too am in a similar position. Girl I met 8 months ago is now suffering from depression and as a result wants to push me away. Reason for it is she cant cope with her kids (from a prev relationship) she has a huge debt, hates her job, dad in intensive care...i could go on.

 

However I find it funny that you want to push away the one you are supposed to love??? Surely it would be the opposite?

 

"Give me time to sort my head out I dont know what I want. Can we still be friends at the moment?"

 

Those options that you summarised keep going thru my head too.

 

I have tho made steps to get my own life back on track. Im moving ino my flat again (as I had a tenant in there and they leave end of November) I told her I want her removed rm my account and want the debit card back as well as want to pick up the rest of my stuff...

 

Why are you treating it as final she says? Because I need to get on with my life....but I love her so much...I dont think she is dating others or anything like that as its only been a few days.

 

Do I wait? Do I do option 1/2/3?

[yoley]

pap,

 

yes..if whatever I am doing is not working, do something different. SHE must figure herslef out, in her own time, in her own way, without you or me.

 

So..I think what I have to change..is my thought process. Stop thinkin reconcilliation...think about me, happiness, and moving on (win for me). If she notes my happiness, she'll feel less guilty about the split, the happiness will spill about me, and she'll want to be around me more (win for me)

 

So..I've decided that this is an emotional task. Control my emotions, get on with my life...after all, that IS a great sign of strength (an attractive feature).

 

As for depression...be careful. Been in a relationship like that and became an enabler (I had no idea what to do) and made it tremendously worse for her. Stepping back and taking care of yourself is paramount. Go here: link removed

 

As for her pushing you away...in depression sometimes, her coper is broken or failing. Coping with a relationship can sometimes be too much to handle...even dealing with the little things in the day...all too much. She's pushing you away for a reason..self preservation. Back away. Support her...be as unobtrusive as possible.

 

Will you keep in touch with her from time to time?

 

-Y.

[papalazarou]

Yoley...

 

Thank you for that website. I shall digest the information. In the brief time that I have looked at the site...it appears that what she is saying to me is not uncommon.

 

I love her dearly so I will keep in touch with her...but I suppose it will be when she wants to so it looks like option 2 at the moment.

 

Im not in a mood to date anyone else at the moment tho!!!

[yoley]

Superdave,

 

as always...value your opinion on things...based on your current and past situations...have you found personal success with LC....in terms of

 

1. Moving on (dating others) and finding peace, but staying in touch with the Ex...even though it's difficult (this is a test of emotional strength)

 

2. Getting closer to your Ex over time because the deep friendship is there..with possible reconcilliation, because you've grown and become stronger from 1 (and she's gone through some of her own realtionships).

 

or , is it best to do NC...become stronger..and then answer her calls if they come.

 

Thanks,

 

yoley.

[SuperDave71]

Yoley,

 

LC has gotten me no where. Let me explain why. I dated a narrcicist. I am not being cynical either. She was great at first yet after about 3 months....she became who she really is. She was selfish and abusive. I am a pleaser by nature so I would take it and tell her everything is going to be ok. It never was. I stayed because I thought I could change her. I was soooooo sadly mistaken. Did I want to be miserably alone...or miserably in a relationship with someone who could care less about me. I chose to stay.

 

She broke it off with me and I fell hard into dispair and I found enotalone just like so many people have. I posted over and over agin begging for help andFINALLY I began to feel better. I bean light dating and met a wonderful woman who I grew very fond of. We dated almost 10 months until I told her I was NOT in love with her.

 

My ex has ALWAYS called me...even when she was seriously seeing someone else, she called.

 

The more time past, the more my phone didn't ring. When she was mad at her ex, she would call me. When she was lonely, she would call me.

 

If I called her, I would get voicemail or rarely she would answer. I decided ENOUGH OS ENOUGH...so I did EXACTLYwhat she DIDN'T EXPECT.....I STOPPED.

 

I gave up.. I said the HECK WITH HER!! and I did. The calls came...I wouldn't answer...they came again...I didn't answer...more and more...

 

 

I gave in a few months later and agreed to see her. Long story shorter...she has NOT changed a bit.

 

Not at all....Now why in teh world would I want to be with someone who didn't want me, respect me, or LOVE me. THE HELL with that!!

 

I have not heard from her in 2 weeks today. I have wondered what's going on with her ..sure I have but ya know....She is an adult an dthe phone will ring again. I will promise you this. I will NOT ANSWER.

 

 

I believe that leeches have to find blood to survive.

 

 

I want you to understand I am NOT negative towards my ex. She is what she is. My answer to your question is....DO FULL NC. not because of my outcome...but for yourself. You owe it to you to be the best yo can be....with or without your ex.

 

 

 

If they want you badly enough and for the right reasons...NOTHING on HEAVEN or EARTH will stop them from wanting to be with you.

 

 

Just my opinion...

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[yoley]

...hmmm...you just stopped answering?

 

..sorry to hear of your plight. Sometimes people don't change..I've always been the one to look at people with rose coloured glasses...bad bad bad. I must read people for their actions, not their words.

 

..the thing is at the moment..we're in a good spot..we're still close..she does depend on me for emotional support....and we still have a great time together when we go out...she's just not sure what she wants...and that includes others. I think I'm hoping to hard.

 

NC will cut the "friend" ties we have for now..which is a risk..but on the other hand..may force her to examine what kinds of ties she wants with me (finally). Let her feel her missing me

 

Always leave on a positive note as well. It would be now.

 

I guess what you're saying is that it all depends on what is best for ME, not her, not us.

 

In which case, I agree...NC. If she wants me she can contract me.

 

Did you tell her to not call? Or you just havne't answered?

 

thanks man,

 

Yoley

[SuperDave71]

Did you tell her to not call? Or you just havne't answered?

 

 

 

 

Based on what I just said about ACTION SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORD...you tell me?

 

MY ACTIONS WOULD ALWAYS speak louder than my words.....

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[ebsmith1]

Why is this NC thing so damn hard! You'd think with the way we were treated we'd be better at it! I just keep breaking it and keep getting what I don't want! Ugghhh! Love stinks!

[SuperDave71]

Ebsmith1,

 

 

The Definiation of Insanity is doing teh same thing over and over and expecting a DIFFERENT result.

 

 

YOur NOT insane but the fact is..you are TELLING yourself that she WILL respond in a positive way based on HAPPY experiences...

 

 

LEAVE IT BE....for now. PUT DOWN THE PHONE..

 

 

DON'T MAKE ME GET THE DUCT TAPE AND TAPE YOU TO A CHAIR!!!!

 

 

SOMEBODY GRAB TEH DUCT TAPE WE HAVE A NC BREAKER!!!!!!

 

 

ha ha

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[ebsmith1]

I need the duct tape! Tape me down!!!! I'm out of control!!! I know that what I'm doing is not working. I shouldn't even want it to work. Now I have to wait and see what he says and figure out how to ignore it, even though I know I won't want too and what he's going to say is probably going to hurt like hell!

[SuperDave71]

ebsmith1,

 

 

Do you base your hapiness and your self worth on ONE PERSON's opinion of you?

 

 

-SuperDave71

[ebsmith1]

I didn't in the past, this whole thing has thrown me for such a loop. Just so much pain and so much disbelief that this is what my life is now. That I'm not planning my wedding, I'm planning how to get through each day!

[SuperDave71]

ebsmith1,

 

Please..I undersand how you feel. It will slowly get better EVERYDAY. You have to make a choice though..

 

You can feel sorry for yourself and dwell in the past....only think about what was good in the relationship

 

 

or

 

 

You can deal with the reality of the breakup. DO NOT MAKE STUPID MISTAKES like calling or emailing looking for answers. IN TIME THE ANSWERS WILL COME......TRUST ME ON THIS ONE>

 

You MUST REMAIN PATIENT

 

 

 

Think about the things you needed from the relationship that were not being met. Think about the times he hurt you including now and teh way he is acting.

 

DO NOT DWELL ON THE PAST.....this is probably the MOST MADE MISTAKE.....

 

If you only think of good times....OF COURSE YOU WILL BE LOST. WHY? Because how can you learn to grow and learn from your mistakes if you believe the relationship was perfect in the first place?

 

STOP THINKING WITH YORU HEART and use yoru head!!!

 

 

 

You can do this!!!!! WE are all behind you 100%

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[ebsmith1]

Well it's weird. I finally got really mad at him the other day. I got mad for the lies, the cheating and the broken promises. Then, I just felt worse. I wonder why I could still love and miss somone like that. I wonder why I still feel like we could make it work. And now that he has stopped ignoring me, it's made it harder. Now, I've asked for it, I've asked for answers and he's said he'll give them to me. What do I do when I get that e-mail?

[SuperDave71]

Delete it....

 

 

Simple Simple Simple.....

 

 

Just delete it...

 

 

Do you like to be a human punching bag? Either emotional or physical?

 

 

I didn't think so....STOP letting him get to you. If you let him affect your behavior...he is CONTROLING YOU. He's not doing it but YOU ARE ALLOWING HIM to control you.

 

 

SO STOP!!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[ebsmith1]

Oh if I can only find that strength! I asked for this, so I doubt I'll be able to resist reading it. I'll just have to find the strength to say nothing and take whatever he says the best that I can.

[SuperDave71]

ebsmith..

 

 

 

No matter what he says.....it only matters if you LET it matter.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[ebsmith1]

Tell me how NOT to let it matter. I love this man and wanted to marry him. How will it not matter if he says he still doesn't know if I'm the right person for him? Sorry, I know I sound stupid, I've just never been in this place before!

[Biffy]

Superdave,

 

Long story short -

 

Ex broke up with me as she isnt ready for a relationship, I tried to change her mind a bit to begin with, then initiated NC which can only be LC as I work with her, now 7 weeks on I'm doing ok but there's still a part of me that wants her back.... She's been off work for 2 weeks, she returns on Monday at which time I know she'll start engaging me in idle chit chat in person or IM...

 

Do I just talk to her a little bit not discussing anything to do with "us" or do I pretty much ignore her??

 

Advise me please!

 

Iain

[SuperDave71]

Hey there...

 

 

I would be myself. DO NOT initailize converstaion but if she does..SMILE when you talk with her. DO NOT BE A GUSHER ( someone who tell an ex how they feel inside. ) Be yourself. Be pleasant BUT brief. MAKE SURE YOU SMILE!!!

 

Be upbeat and remember...If you act sad or down...she will NOT have pity on you. She will probably pat herself on the back for breaking up. Be confident. You can do this!!!!

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[papalazarou]

I propbably cant put it the way SD would but I think it would mean focusing on yourself and your friends and your interests.

 

thereforeeee by the time the email does arrive you may have built up a couldnt care less attitude because you are happier in yourself. thereforeeee it doesnt matter because you dont need him for your happiness.