You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[eendjuh]

nah from Belgium, we've got no queen

I'll try to stick to NC as hard as it is.

I really want to work on my own, but at the same time I dont want to lose her.

Going to drive around a bit and meet some friends that should take my mind of this.

tnx for the advice and good luck and strenght for everyone out there feeling this pain

[SuperDave71]

Old Boy,

 

Are you still out there? How are you doing?

 

 

-SuperDave71

[eendjuh]

damn, i just cant resist to pick up that phone,

i havent tried to call her myself or send a msg for 2 days, but she always calls me.

But I did kept my calm, was relaxed at the phone and tried to end the conversation fast, she didnt like that because she wanted to talk, and she asked me to come get her tomorrow because her car is broken, i asked why she wanted to come and she said something like "i dont know,... to see the dogs..."

I'm gonna pick her up tomorrow I guess, I'm gonna keep my calm and pretend that everything is ok... I'm not really pretending as I feel much better with myself as I have gone through my problems and I know now what i need to work on and that It's just not worth to feel this miserable and I should enjoy life to the fullest.

As long as she asks to come here, I dont mind, but I'm not going to ask her myself, I need my pride back

Anybody got some advice how I should act when she is here? If I can keep myself under control is this a bad thing to happen? I think she is missing me because she lived 3 weeks without the dogs and now all of the sudden wants to see them so desperately.

I go back to NC after tomorrow, I need to work late next week so I cant pick up her phone calls

[nicorette]

im going through the same thing. i jsut read the last post so id ont know your whoel story. but me and my ex have been broken up for 2 weks and weve seen each other a couple times. and its him initiating it. i take it as a good sign! definetly dont make yourslef seem to available adn keep it short! good work. and ya my ex calls me, i havent called him in over a week so its hard to do NC when tha thappens.

[ffablonde17]

Well you know. I just broke up with my ex boyfriend last month. He told me that he only want email period. He didn't want phone call or see in person. I know that he is hurted. Everyone told me to leave him alone for a while. He told everyone that he does love me but he couldn't be with me for who I am. What should I do?

[SuperDave71]

ffablonde17,

 

 

You can't make someone love you. If you are happy with who you are....be yourself. If not, change what you do not like about you and make a positive difference in your own life.

 

Never change for someone else unless you both agree there iare improvemets to be made on both sides.

 

 

The easiest thing to do is to not only say you are going to change...but to make a conscious decison to take action to change.

 

Talk is cheap....that is ONE reason why NC is so important. Telling someone you love them and tell them you will change does NOTHING.

 

Showing them and youself is what makes the difference.

 

The question is, how do you show them when you can't call, e-mail, to see them.

 

The answer: You don't. You work on you until you feel strong enough to see them or speak with them. How will you know? You know when its ok because you don't cry when you get off the phone nor does that pain in your chest come back.

 

 

Make Sense?

 

 

-SuperDave71

[eendjuh]

So I pickup her up today to come over. We were just talking about casual things through all the days, went to drink something in town, watched tv, and I was going to bring her home.

When I arrived at the place, I was getting a little weaker in the inside, thinking about I had to say goodbye and stuff. She asked me to come in, but I said "no I dont think i'll come in" because I didnt want to collapse. So she kept asking "why not? something wrong?" till i finally broke down and I said "it just hurts to be with you because i still love you so much" and i got tears in my eyes. so she said "you know... i still care about you, do you think that feeling can get away so fast?" and she hugged me. So I got a little more courage and came inside.

I wasnt really feeling very well emotional but i tried to stay as strong as i could.

But then something (that doesnt really have to do anything with our relation or us it was just something freaky) happened and i couldnt really control myself anymore so i asked her "is there even a little chance for us getting back together" (yeah i know stupid move ) i got the answer "that's really a difficult question" so i said "yeah i know, but it's something that bothers me alot"... so then finally... words i wanted to hear she said "you know... the first weeks i thought i didnt love you anymore... but the last couple of days i realised... i DO love you and i really miss you a lot, i just dont want to rush into things and we shall see for the future" i said that was fine for me as i needed some time to think and get myself back together , she said she understood and told me again she still loves me. I guess the wall around her feelings is starting to break down because i havent contacted her in the last days and didnt answer her calls right away, i just called back later. I'm really happy now, i dont know if we get back together, but there is a good chance and i know this time it's gonna be different, better, as i now have time to think things over. I'm just gonna continue as i did before i guess, not sending any messages and calling, and work on my own life for a bit.

tnx for all the advice everyone, this day is a little turnaround for me as she finally opened up

 

[thisisjustsowrong]

Hey eendnjuh-

Happy things are going good, but don't start flying just yet. Be cautious. It may be that after the time you've been separated she might have experienced a rush of feelings, but she may reconsider. It happened to me with my husband, sucks really. Just be cautious and keep your feet on the ground for the time being. Hope it is as you wish though.

[eendjuh]

yes i know,

that's why i'm start to work on my own problems now, for myself.

But it just makes me feel so good to actually hear those words out of her mouth for the first time since we were separated

I'm not gonna push her or rush into it now,

just step back a little and see how things evolve

[eric_wanting_answers]

I've posted my full story on here elsewhere (search my name if you want to see it).

 

Everyone praises the no contact thing, and I really want another shot with my ex. I have an entire new outlook on things now that I've had 2 months to think about things. I just began taking her for granted WAY too much.

 

I have a class twice a week with my ex and her best friend (who of course I was friends with too). This is the about the only contact I have with her (and being that there is three of us, the convo always involves the three of us). We never bring up anything about the past. I just decided that having her as a friend made me feel so much better.

 

So... about this NC thing. I just dont think it'd be a good thing with her. She is a person that would think it was weird that I all of a sudden disappeared from her and obviously she'd try to call. I can have no idea what is going on in her head, but what if she did still have feelings and I just cut all contact off and never responded to what I was doing. She's the kind of person who would take it as us being done for good. (think about if the best mate in the world died... you'd be forced to move on huh). NC with her would be like me dying and she'd just have to move on. Thats why I'm hesitant on doing it. Maybe i'll just wait til class is over and drop our contact then (or is that too late if I was ever going to do it).

 

But you see what i mean.... dropping every bit of contact with her would just force her to forget about me. Dropping all the hope. She hangs out with other guys all the time, without contact with me she'd just accept that I was gone and have to make the best of who else is available.

we were best friends for a year before we started dating (while she had other bf's). Why not stay friends and she'll eventually realize what she is missing?

[ffablonde17]

Thank for your opion. Last nite, we spoke on the phone. He told me that he going to drop the truck title on friday. I told him to call me before he come over. This morning, when I open the door. I found the truck title and got hurted. I was awake and didn't hear him knock the door. He didn't even call me before he come over. He told me that he will drop my stuff off with truck. I went into my truck and found none of my stuff. I was wondering is it because he need it for memorie or what? I even have his stuff and he never ask for his stuff period. It hurt me to see his stuff in my bedroom and livingroom. I tried to bury them and it won't work with me. I know that I can't just tell him that I changed. He already heard it many time and he told me that I lied to myself. You know what hurt me the most! When I decided to take a walk yesterday. I live right behind his house. I walked by his street and I saw him talking to his mom in the car. I acted like I didn't see him there. Next thing, I knew. He drove by me so slowly and watch me in the mirror. I even caught him peeking in his backyard when I first moved here. He wouldn't even admit it that he was one in the truck yesterday. I know it was him because he is only guy that live in his house. And he is only one that wore a hat. I know in my heart that I love him. I can't get over him like I did with all of my ex's. When he mention that he want me to have truck or he will sell it. I told him that I'm willing to take the truck. I called him on friday to pick it up on sat nite. He weren't home two time when I came to get it. So I got frubate with him because I felt like he was playing game with me. He told me to pick it up yesterday. I called to make sure that he is home. He did same thing again. So I gave up and went with my mother at park yesterday. He and my friend Chad pushed my truck home from his house. I knew that he still love and care about me or he wouldn't do that. He would be jerk and sell the truck. I know that he is hurted a lot by me. I became someone that I didn't like lately. He told me that I became really mean person. I didn't realized it until I woke up after we broke up. He told me that he want me to email or call him. Or I will never see him again. I know why he said that because he is hurting. He never hang up or ingore my phone call when he is home. Or he would have moved on and ingore my phone call, email, and many thing. He told everyone that he still love me but can't be with me for who I am. I don't blames him at all. I already signed up in many volunteer program, and several things. Should I give him a space for a while? I'm not doing it for him. I'm doing it for myself. I know what I want in my life. I would like to have him back in my life again. I don't want to push him away in a wrong way. He told my mom and roomate that he want us to work our life in seprate life. He also want me to figure out what I want in my life. He also told me that I had lied to him so many time. I know that I lied to him so many time. I know that I can't run to his house and tell him that I'm sorry for what I had done to him. I'm really hurting right now, because I had his truck outside of my home. It remind me of him everyday now. Last nite when he brought the truck home. I was crying and hitting the truck with my hand. I know he heard me hitting the truck. I was so upset because I have to look at it everyday and he didn't have to anymore. Why I have to end up with truck and he can't keep it?? Also, I couldn't do my hobby anymore because we both had so much in common in hobby. I had to change my taste in hobby now. I couldnt go where we spent our time together anymore. I'm avoid running into him and everything. I know that I will be crush to see him with another girl on his side. I can't drive on highway because that where he go to his work everday. I know what time he go and what time he get home. We both still love each other and I'm hurting.

[NubianLove]

Ok it looks like the ex and I will be meeting up in about 2 weeks. So far its been a month LC (talked 2x briefly), and a little over 2 weeks since our last contact. By the time we meet, it'll be 6 weeks LC, and a month of absolutely NC. Coming from an 8yr friendship, and 6yr relationship, thats a really long time. I'm fine, I've spent most of my time dealing with grad schl, I work out everyday and have a ton of friends, so initially it was different, but I've been pretty ok the past month. I feel in a good position to meet up with him, he'll be in town, has a week off visiting family, and I know he'll have a ton of time on his hands. I plan on us meeting up at the coffeeshop where we used to study occasionally, he spent time there. Just to chitchat and catch up, on his job search, schl, and stuff we've been up to, non relationship stuff. I know he'll be a little apprehensive because he'll be expecting me to talk about relationship stuff, so it'll be funny seeing his reaction. I'm pretty much comfortable, and fairly confident because I feel I've grown in many ways during his absense, and I'll let my natural demeanor speak for itself. I'll probably meet up for 2hrs max, with the plan to not go over that at all, and even if he suggests going somewhere else to hang out to tell him, I cant, have to get going. It'll be pretty surprising, cause usually in the past, my short visits, always ended up into overnight ones, but that was then, this is now.

I look good I'm excited, we both work out(run and lift weights), so we're both ones to notice, and comment if the other has been working out.

Its not for another 2 weeks, but I'll post updates as they come, from asking him to meet up, to how it actually goes.

He hasnt broken NC (since I told him 2 weeks ago that we shouldnt talk on phone), so I dont know he'll actually say if he's in town, I know he wants to avoid confrontation, but we've mutual best friend, so its one of those things where even if he doesnt say, I'll find out, so I'm going to wait and see if he actually does contact me once he's in town.

[ffablonde17]

by a way, what is nc? I noticed everyone mention nc in many form. I had never heard of nc. Thanks.

[eric_wanting_answers]

nc = no contact

[ffablonde17]

thank for letting me know.

[keefy1972]

Eric as long as being friends with her doesn't hold you back from moving forward with your life it's cool. If you can handle being friends with her and she dates other guys (and she will) then I say go for it.

 

No contact is for people that are having a hard time moving on with their lives because they keep holding out hope for a reconcilliation with the ex. It is not to be used as a tool to bring the ex to their senses. It is strictly a tool to help one heal. A side-effect, however, is often the case of the air of mystery being re-instated into their mind as far as you're concerned. Breakups often occurs because one takes the other for granted because they know what you're thinking, know how you'll react, and know what you're going to do. In other words, you've become a re-run in their life. Who wants to sit and watch the same movie over and over and over?? Gets old. Keep them off balance. NC can do that.

 

It is just a tool to help you get over a relationship...and start a new one, sometimes it just happens to be a new one with a person from the past.

[eric_wanting_answers]

Keefy...

 

I can accept being friends and it wont stop me from moving on. However, I do want another shot at our relationship sometime in the futre... like maybe after summer (after enough time for both of us maybe to realize what we mean to eachother. However, I will not rely on this and wont let it get in the way of me moving on). Being friends wont limit this possibility will it?

[keefy1972]

I don't think so. As long as all interactions with her are pleasant and non-stressful. If she thinks of you in a positive light, there will always be hope. Just don't be her "buddy". Be a man, flirt with her, be suggestive, build the sexual tension. If you don't know what I'm talking about, read up and research. Avoid the "friendzone" at all cost.

[eendjuh]

Well i was very happy when i heard her say "i realise that i still love you and i miss you too alot" but now i'm just thinking... if she feels that way, why isnt she coming back, trying to work things out.

Everytime i take distance from her, she freaks out and gives me some hope, after that, nothing but general talk on the phone and nothing more.

Is she just playing a game with me, does she wants to see how far she can go?

does she actually needs more time, pf i'm really not certain anymore, and i'm getting really tired of this situation.

I know i'm changed, i know i worked on my problems and i feel reborn, i still need to work on myself though, but this hope/depression/hope/... is driving me insane

[mikeca]

Hope this helps

 

you seem to have so much advice...I recently told my ex we couldnt be friends because it was too hard for me hearing about what she was doing and not picturing me with her...I see from your experience the NC worked for you. The question im asking is did you 'remain friends' and talk occasionally or did you just go NC (like me I guess) and she started to email/phone you.

[ffablonde17]

Mike,

You know what! That how I always broke up with ex and never friend with them. Because I knew that I'm not in picture with them too. But this time, i just broke up with my boyfriend last month. Now I want to be his friend. It is so different and oddward for me to do that. All of my ex that I had nc. But not this one that I just broke up with last month. It is hard for me because I want to be his friend. He trying to be friend with me too. It is hard for both of us because we both really dont want to know each other's life. It is depend on someone's feeling.

[eendjuh]

well whenever i dont phone or msg her for a couple of days, she calls me, when i ask why she calls she says "i dunno..." and then just starts the casual talk. It's hurting me so much... yesterday after i posted on this board, the phone rang, it was her again to talk about her car, that she's getting a new one and stuff. I'm just so confused right now, what does she really wants, she said she still loves me, but whats up with all this casual talk then... i try to keep it cheerfull and stuff but it's hard

[ffablonde17]

I know how you felt. I didn't realize what I had been doing lately. I called him almost a lot. I was talking about my life and i can tell that he was hurted in his tone. Maybe you need to let her know that she can call you once a while. Let her know how you feel about her calling you. Maybe she will understand and accept it. I wish he could tell me if he didn't want to talk on the phone. He told me to email him, because it won't remind him of us all of the time. It is best thing to do is tell her how you feel about her calling you on the phone. Maybe email work? if something bother you, let her know! So she can back off from what bother you mostly. I could be wrong.

[eendjuh]

it's not really bothering me that she calls, but i just cant figure out what she expects of me. She's talking to me as a friend or something,... but she said she still loves me and missed me alot. Is she just trying to be friends or is she slowly building up our relation i just dont understand. if she has these feelings why cant we just talk about it and work it out. I just dont wanna be her friend, i cant, i feel too much for her to just be her friend.

She's coming over on saturday, i hope she'll finally bring up our relation, i'm not gonna ask about it, but i hope she starts about it

[ffablonde17]

If I were you. I would say, You know. You told me that you love me and miss me. What do you mean by that? Are you trying to ask me if I still have feeling for you. Or are you trying to be my friend. I'm really confuse in my feeling and mind about what you were trying to say to me. You need to bring it up. Mostly, I was told by many people that guys suppose to bring it up and come around to girl first. It is not girl's job to chasing them down or trying to get them back. If you are not feel comforable to bring something up, maybe it would be late for you and her. I could be wrong about that.