You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[painful]

Hello Superdave!

 

Boy, you sound like such an expert. I think you have been through a tough time and you have learned so much and is passing the lessons on. I so need your advice right now. I am a newbie so i will give you the full story. My boyfriend broke up with me after 6 months of dating. I know this may not seem like a long time but sometimes its not time but how deeply one feels. He is 35, I am 31. He said he no longer feels the "spark" and we ahve lost the 'flow". Maybe I was too clingy because we had spent almost everyday/weekend together, in each other's face all the time. The first time he said he needed space, I gave him only a week and then I called back to say I cannot do it. Afterwards, it was like he had built up a dossier of things he felt I said/did which he did not like such as wanting my music to eb palyed on drives, he said i was too judgem,ental of his approach to life when we first met. I am doing a Phd and he is doing a first degree. we are at teh same university. He was surfing, playing musica nd travelling for about 20 years and than at 34 he says he wants to do studies. I asked at the time why did he not feel teh need to do studies earlier. My failure to understand instantly was bothering him. It was the first month of getting to know each other and I felt I had to know certain things before I jumped in. Later, he said that he was fearful of me leaving the country. I came here to study, I will leave when i am through for a while at least. He also said that he was growing to resent me because we are on different roads and he feekls insecure and left behind and overwhelmed by university. I tried to assuer him that I accept him for who is is and I am not looking for a man with a PHd but a man who treats me well and how loves me. I told him that he has a lot of the qualities that I am looking for and that as far as I am concerned he is my equal. Dave, all of taht proddinga nd pushing never workd. He took me to meet his family and to spend Christmas with them but after wards, he started to act distant again and comparing himself with me. we broke up New year's eve. I am very broken hearted. I am deeply in love with him. I tell myself that it is over and I will find someone who will love me for who I am and even if I screw up and act judgmental or say something stupid, will forgive and move on. I feell he is a very good man who is just confused and insecure. Should I let go, continue with NC? I broke in twice in my first month. But since we spoke on Jan 29 and he admits to resenting me and feeling insecure about my accomplishments, i ahve reinforced my need to go NC. My resoleve is weak sometimes am tempted to have another go at convincing him that we can work. I sound pathetic. Education does not define me. I am just a normal girl who loves like everyone else. please give me your advice superdave.

[shadylady1979]

Superdave,

 

Thanks so much for your kind and personalized response. Much appreciated. Life seems very bleak now, after 40 days of LC. I have let him see me crumble once or twice, but I have also been good about the NC.

 

Yesterday he calledme, said he knew about my "boyfriend" (told a mutual friend about a guy I was seeing), and that he wanted to know "as a friend" about him, his name, how old, where we met, etc.

 

I politely declined to give him any info, just that he "wasn't you", and left it at that.

 

I also informed ex I am trying to move,as our apt. together has too many memories. He wanted to know where, and I told him it's probably not a good idea to let him know.

 

Itold him a few days ago about my personal sucesses (got endorsed by a guitar company), got a tv part, so he told me, he's so happy now, he's finding himself, moving forward, and has become a partner in the restaurant in which he works. (I know for a fact this is pretty much untrue...if there is any truth at all it is a gross overstatement).

 

 

I guess the grass isn't greener. I was really upset after I spoke with him. I figured, wow I guess he's really happy to be moving on with someone else. Then I realized we hadn't talked about the girl he's seeing at all. And I realized he was asking me a lot of things about my life. And now I am really confused, so I'm not going to pick up his calls for awhile. Not that he calls regularly, once every week or so, probably less now, but I', just giving it time.

 

I guess that's all I can do, and try to turn it over to my HP. sometimes it's so hard though, I know he has his pleasant distraction in this other person, but I really do feel he still is in love with me. I think his pride won't let him admit it, but then again, I don't want to read tons of things into just anything and drive myself crazy.

 

Hope all is well with you.

 

Thanks so much for the advice, I really can't tell you what a powerful thing it is to speak with someone like you.

 

SL

[SuperDave71]

Painful,

 

Anyone that is not happy with themselves is not going to make YOU happy. If he is insecure and resenting of your accomplishments, it is going to be up to him to do something about it. If he truly loves you, he will seek help. either through a therapist, sef-help books, Church, etc etc. I feel as if you are worth fighting for....if he loves you..he will

 

 

Hang in there..

 

 

Your friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[healinginnyc81]

Hey SuperDave, i'm glad to see that you're still around sharing your wisdom and helping all of us who are struggling and can't see things clearly.

But, how have you been doing? Well, I hope. Take care.

[SuperDave71]

bkjsun,

 

 

Thank you so much. I have been here reading posts. I get inclined to answer every now and then but I mostly sit back and watch. I hope you are doing well and I have been going great thank you.

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Jeremyg77]

thank you dave i helped alot

[painful]

Thank you superdave,

 

I've always believed that if he loves me sufficiently he will not allow these other variables to standin the way of our relationship. But, at the same time, you cant truly love someone if you erect artificial distance between yourself and them. I am truly saddened by his admission of resentment and I feel very rejected. Its like I am good enough but not good enough, if you know what I mean. It will take me a long while to put my head around this. thanks a mil,

[SuperDave71]

Painful,

 

its all up to you...

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[painful]

Superdave, I am afraid i do not understand your last message. What is 'all up to me?' Should I let go off this silent hope that he will realise his mistakes or should I actively attempt to reconcile. Yes, I ahve read the treads and suspect I know the answer to this - NC strictly!

[redhook]

What if your ex is pregnant. Do you still leave her alone with NC? I want to be there for her and help her through all of this.

[solo34]

Then U know U can't be doin' NC. ESPECIALLY if the kid is yours. It should be FULL CONTACT. This isn't a time 2 ignore your lady.

[redhook]

She says she needs it and will contact when ready. What do I do? The kid is mine.

[solo34]

Well, if she needs the space, give it 2 her...just let her know that U do in fact want 2 be in her and your child's lives. If U do in fact love her, then let it be known 2 her. U don't want her 2 be stressing out, because stress upon her is stress upon your unborn child...and that is not a good thing. Let her know how U feel. That's all I can truly say about this. Good luck, man. I hope that it all works out 4 U. Take care of yourself and your lady.

 

-Solo34

[SuperDave71]

well said...

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[solo34]

Thanks SuperDave...

 

-Solo34

[Lucky_721]

well i need to update you guys. after 43 days of being on a "break" we started to get back together. i didnt see the value of a break until it was over. it kept us from destroying the great relationship we have. the break made us both see how great of people we both are and how fortunate we are. it has made us not take for granted the relationship and eachother. I beat the odds....we did it....I know it would not have happened had it not been for Dave and all his wise pep talks to me. no contact is the way to go no doubt. she even said that had i not given her the space and time she needed, that it probably would not have worked out this way this soon...or ever....

keepin the faith alive.....there is hope

 

Lucas

[SuperDave71]

Lucas,

 

Thank you but it wasn't me....I just gave you the small push you needed. The forum as a whole is the one that deserves all the credit.

 

 

Thank you so much and I appreciate the kind words.

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[BONO]

Well done everyone.

 

Well done Dave

 

Scruff

[SuperDave71]

Scruff,

 

How you doing out there?

 

-SuperDave71

[BONO]

Thanks for asking Dave !

 

I think the phrase is "bricking it". Two days to go b4 me and the ex meet for the first time since the NC/No friends email!!! Do you know the brief background mate ??

 

 

Scruff

[BONO]

The relationship is over as it stands - I know that. In fact im dating.

 

However, she is making in-roads into keeping herself visible to me. Why ? Who knows - but Im assuming actions speak louder than words.

 

In addition to this weekend I received an email from my friend a week after starting NC stating my ex's disire to come on a ski trip we all arranged in Oct. Hmmmmmm !!

 

She had the option then to come, but said NO.

 

The second I tell her she is not going to be my friend and start NC and is aware that Im dating she is booking visits that clash with my Bro B'day AND looking into coming skiing.

 

 

There is a school of thought that she misses me in terms of the security blanket and the attention. However, she is not attracted to that.The emotion of attraction for her is switched on when I make moves towards other girls. This has happened b4. Once I relax and let her back -a bit - she is not attracted to me.

 

 

So to get back to your thread " You want your ex back ? Things to aviod certain doom "

 

Do you have any tips and tricks at this stage.

 

God bless

 

 

Scruff

[BONO]

Sorry just read what I have put - at work so rushed.

 

Let me clarify.

 

My ex has picked the weekend of my bro party to travel 500km to see all her friends. 95% of her friends are here.

 

She booked it the day after we both agreed NC/No friends.

 

It would have been our second anniversary.

 

She could have picked any other weekend - infact there is a party next week that the same group will be at and I could have bowed out.

 

In addition to this I am going on hols with our mutual friends in 3 weeks. She has made in roads into coming along although turned it down 5 times before. Our friends have left the decision with me. NICE !

 

 

Scruff

[SuperDave71]

Hey Mr. Scruffism,

 

 

In my opinion, you have a choice to allow her to come with you guys or not. If she refused 5 times before and she is choosing now, it seems as if she will drag you along until something else comes along. Until then, no matter what you guys have agreed on verbally..until the action backs up what you both have said...nothing changes. Let her do what she wants (I know she does anyway) but do not allow yourself to be a rubber band either. Don't allow yourself to stretch you emotions so far only to have reality SNAP back and you get hurt alllllll over again. Be careful out there..

 

 

Remember... It's up to you..

 

 

 

Take care my friend,

 

 

 

SuperDave7

[BONO]

Thanks Dave.

 

The more im looking at her behaviour the more see that any type of long term future dangerous for me.

 

I mean, can you imagine getting married to this girl having kids and then suddenly breaking up with all the same friends etc.

 

Hmmm Not sure if I want her back any more, is this happening ???

 

 

Scruff

[OCD]

I hear you Scruff,

 

I've had two heart breaks in my life, the first one was sort of like what you were saying about having the same friends etc. I actually lost a very good buddy of mine because of it. My old girlfriend who I loved had a best friend that was dating my buddy. When she cheated on me for her boss, it got kinda ugly and my buddy had to choose sides...and he didn't choose mine because of his lady. So that does happen, but if you love someone you don't think about it. You just love them and will be with them no matter what...

 

OCD