You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[Pikey1972]

Very helpful articles - many thanks for that!

[fantasia2004]

Hi superdave , and to everyone happy new year!

 

 

I CALLED MY EX ON XMAS eve. I TOLD Him HOW SORRY I WAS for treating him badly and his family and for chasing him down like a fool. I told him thanks for allowing me to see how silly it is to allow someone to treat you like a doormat and not wake up until you do some serious soul searching.

 

He wanted to say something to me but I refused to allow him to do so. I thought it was best since he did not call me does not respect me nor cares if I live or die. Yes I know everyone; what did you expect? nothing.

 

I told him it was my time to release the fury and anger. I felt and spoke nervously but I did not care. But I was proud that I said what I had to say. It was an awful feeling I tell you, but I only did it because God told me to do so.

 

So now I am happy that part of me is gone.

I will not, nor expect nor do I wish to see him ever again. I hope God hears my prayers. I can't allow him to get to me. I wish he would understand what a decnt human being

I was to him. Otherwise it is truly his lost.

God Bless peeps!

[PutYourBackIntoIt]

You could not be more right! I did all those things and more to my ex when we broke up. If I was him, I wouldn't want to come back to me either. But here's the real kicker; my ex and I are back together. Went 6 months no contact and then we ran into each other at school. We were both each other's first serious relationship and we both made mistakes and learned from them. We both know what NOT to do this time around. Give them their space, and when the timing is right, you could very well get back together!

[Ghostrider4042005]

*claps* loved it man i tell my friends to forget there losses but they just keep wanting to come back for more so i'll just send this to em maybe that'll get it through their heads...doubtful

[healinginnyc81]

putyourbackintoit, I'm really happy for you. How long have you been back together?

 

I'm in a frame of mind right now where I'm trying to leave open the possibility that my ex will come back but I'm not waiting for it. I want to get stronger for myself and start dating other people. I don't want to worry about whether or not she was the one or whether or not she'll come back. I want to be indifferent. I want to be happy myself and just take control of what I can in my life and just see what happens.

[Pikey1972]

That's the right attitude, bkjsun! Keep thinking positively and keep working on your own happiness: take control!

[shadylady1979]

Was in relationship of four years, ended about four days ago, when I caught bf cheating. Weird...about 3 1/2 years into relationsihp I moved out because of his drinking. I never saw him he was always at a bar. Then I moved back in (we live together). Then about three weeks ago, he moved out. He came back as well, but I found out he had been seeing someone else. So, I kicked him out about two weeks ago, but we made up and moved back in, and he changed his number and promised not to see this girl agian. Then, four days ago, wehn I couldn't reach him, I drove to his favorite bar and saw him leaving with this girl. I was crushed, so I took his car keys (his car is in my name), and his cell phone, and I slapped him and left.

He is now living with this girl because he has no friends who have apartments. I found out from a mutual friend that he doenst' want to live with her and is trying to get his own place.

 

The whole time he was with both of us, he was still very much there for me...we went out to eat, out shopping and to movies, and I don't think he was going to dump me, I just think he wanted to have his cake and eat it to. Apparently, this girl drinks with him, so I think that had a lot to do with it. His and my work schedules are completely opposite as well.

 

My question is: his whole family and my family are on MY side, suprisingly. He called me today because he needed to get some work clothes (he's a chef). I kept it cordial and I said he could not come by later because I would be out. He asked if I could drop everything off to his new gf's work. I said that is too much. He said to leave it with a neighbor. I agreed. I told him it was good to hear from him...(apparently because of his bad credit he had to get a prepaid phone).

 

He works about 1 hour away from this town, and now he will have to take train and bus and it will take a long time. I would be willing to have him back at any second, but obviously I can't do that because he will just keep cheating, etc.....And I told him the drinking is a real problem for me.

 

He told me he doesn't love me anymore and he's in love with her, but I really doubt it. she is pretty desperate....the whole time he was "dating her" he was still sleeping here! but I think she really wants him. His friend said he didn't want to live with her, so I can only deduce that maybe he's just trying to hurt me by telling me how much they love each other. I mean, after all I caught him in a lie. Do you guys think they are really in love? I am pursuing NC anyway, being cordial, but do you think it's worth pursiong? There's a lot of history there, and we've lived together in three states! I am planning to get out there and do stuff and be active, and move on, but it seems to me like he is sort of stuck with her because he needs a place to live, and also the whole time he was seeing her he never made a real effort to move out on me (he has several classic cars he's working on in the yard, etc), and he is still in love with me, but very confused because of the alcohol. Wow, I guess I just vented a lot, but I guess I need people to reinforce a course of action, if you have a few moments.

 

THANKS!!

 

sl

[SuperDave71]

You did the right thing.....

 

 

PERIOD!!! Why go back to someone who is USING YOU?

 

 

-SuperDave71

[fantasia2004]

Trish Collins, you kight want to read a book called "he's just not into you" or "It's called a breakup because it's broken". You are allowing yourself to be repeatedly rejected which is dangerous to your self esteem. i don't know what's happening with you now, but the bottom line, is you need to move on. Period. He sucks, you pursue him, you argue and get pushed aside, you deserve better, etc etc etc. It's hard, but taking care of yourself and healing yourself is top priority. Move on and stop the self defeating behavior.

 

To trish collins,

 

I know it was hard for you to move on so it is very difficult for you to put your mind at ease when the thoughts of what you might of done wrong come back to haunt you. PERFECTLY NORMAL.It happened to me and I DEFINITELY paid the price for my actions.

 

Hurts like hell. But then again....

 

Comanche,

 

 

I think your book suggestion

is right on cue and what is it that the author always says about women chasing men who play games and never come forward with the truth?

Don't waste the pretty!

 

So Mrs. TrishCollins,

Do not waste the prettiness of yourself with someone who will only use you and string you along and tell you lie after lie after lie!

Save your gorgeous self for some lucky guy who will definitely treat you the way you deserve to be treated!

[SuperDave71]

Well said Fantasia...well said

 

-SuperDave71

[trishcollins]

I was a little confused when I read these last few posts directed to me. The inital post was merely to demonstrat to others that N/C is the only way to go, and doing anything else usually backfires.

 

I have to be honest here, I am over this guy. I have moved on. It's been 18 months since we split and over a year since we spoke. I have not heard from him, not contacted him in over 8 months. I am only on here to help support others with my knowledge that you will survive. But, thanks for the support, it's always appreciated

[fantasia2004]

I was a little confused when I read these last few posts directed to me. The inital post was merely to demonstrat to others that N/C is the only way to go, and doing anything else usually backfires.

 

I have to be honest here, I am over this guy. I have moved on. It's been 18 months since we split and over a year since we spoke. I have not heard from him, not contacted him in over 8 months. I am only on here to help support others with my knowledge that you will survive. But, thanks for the support, it's always appreciated

 

then my apologies to you trish collins, my apologies to you.

and so the prettiness moves on into the sunset with a whole new life and outlook in the new year!

[SuperDave71]

Anyone heard from OCD lately?

 

 

-SuperDave71

[shadylady1979]

I thought I read somewhere he was taking a bit of a break from the forums because it was making him think about his ex like crazy. My prayers are with him and all, including myself.

[OCD]

Anyone heard from OCD lately?

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

Hi all, I stepped out for a couple of days...had to get away from looking at my phone, computer, and everything. I needed to unplug for a bit...just wanted to say hi...Thanks for checking on me SuperD...no status. I got so upset from the last month I just had to step away...she calls, then doesn't, then calls, then doesn't....even after I asked nicely to only call if it's about us because I was the one getting hurt by her phone calls...she said that she understood, but continued to call any way...I kept my cool with her and she did try to call last Friday, twice...no message, go figure? I sent her a text saying Happy New Year....no response. At first I had hope now, I really don't have any hope and am pretty upset that I let her treat me this way...any thoughts...I'll be checking in once in while...thank you for everything.

 

OCD

[Paranoid Android]

Awesome first post, SuperDave. I know you get a lot of PMs each day and so I wont request that you read my story and give advice. Reading the first post was enough advice already. Instead I'll just vent 'cause I'm on the verge of breaking NC.

 

 

I was looking for this DVD that I borrowed from a co-worker about a year ago. It just suddenly came up in a conversation, he remembered I borrowed a DVD and now wanted it back after a year. So I get home contemplated on whether I should go look for it or not. He called me up to remind me about the DVD so to end the annoyance, I started looking for it. By the by, this all happened about 2 weeks ago. In to the storage I go. I rarely go to the storage 'cuz it's cluttered and all there is there are my hockey equipments and some old vinyls belonging to my dad. So anyway, after going through one box at a time I couldn't find the DVD, but I did find a purple envelope. I've never seen it before in my life but figured it was probably from my sweet little ole grandma. Wasn't too anxious to open it up. I threw it outside the room and continued to search for the DVD. After a long 5 minutes, I decided that it was gone forever and there was no use looking for it anymore.

 

So I pick up the card and I open it only to find that it was this long letter from the ex. It was dated back in September, a day before she told me she needed a break from us. There was no mention of why she broke up w/me, or anything negative in that letter. It was as heartfelt and as true as any letter can get. She made no mention of this letter whatsoever, and she never gave any hints that easter was coming early this year and I had to find go hunt for this letter. I read it, I bawled like a little girl and I've never been the same since. It was gut-wrenching and the progress I made a couple weeks prior, it all went down the drain. Didn't eat for 3 days. I survived on water and a few apples. Haven't slept for more than 4 hours since. I've been reading it every night, and I've been really wanting to contact her. Damn her and her letter. To hell with the letter! But you know, right now my hands are very itchy to pick up that phone and dial her number.

 

Should I?

 

No?

 

Ok. Carry on....

[SuperDave71]

OCD,

 

 

GRAB THE DUCT TAPE.....WE HAVE TO TAPE PARANOID ANDROID TO THE FLOOR....and QUICK...SOMEONE HIDE ANDROID'S PHONE!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

-he he he

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[ncisive]

The love of my life just broke up with me after 8 months, all of it we had distance, cause i went to college. I dropped out for her and moved back home and gave up friends for her. Theonly person i got is my mom now, and it has been killing me. She broke up with me because we had a rocky past, it included me saying things i shouldnt have because it was my first relationship, and infedelity on both parts. She always showed her complete lvoe though, and made me feel amazing. The only person i got now is my mom, and im not even that close to her, so for the past week I have been throwing up and crying in my room. I try to contact her every second I can on AIM or myspace, and she always says she doesnt know what to do anymore, and she needs time and stuff. I cant help but feel that she might find someone else or already has. Im literally dieing, she is my first love, and I could see myself forever with her. I love her so much. I never cry or anything, and I cant even function now. I just want to die literally.

[dwbh]

Hi SuperDave,

 

I read your original post, thank you. I'm going through a break up right now after dating a guy for 8 years and i feel like it was best/worst decision I've made. I initiated the NC....and this morning I felt like my world fell apart. Talking to some friends have made it a little easier....and I feel if I make it through today, tomorrow will not be so bad. I'm trying to stay strong....

 

just wondering about your ex gf, do you intend to get back together with her, or are you just hanging out for the companionship? Also-do you find that people who have been together for a long time (i.e. 7, 8 years) are likely to get back together...afterall, there had to be a reason why both of you stuck it out for so long. What do you think?

[shadylady1979]

I'd like to know the anser to dwh etc's ? if you have a sec? we were together 4 years

[kenbo]

I am upp in arms at the moment and would appreciate any feedback from anyone. I fell off the NC wagon and my ex has been initiating most of the contact. I think she is trying to play the friends card, but I suspect she's still trying to iron out her indecisions with me at the same time. She drunkingly called me on new years with well wishes and asked me to pick her up at the airport...I should have said no but succumbed to my own weaknesses- I wanted to see her. She could have asked her brother or even her rebound but she called me, so I suppose it went both ways knowing that she wanted to see me, and we both tried (and succeeded) not to fall off the wagon that night. I was in her place for the first time in a couple months...there were so many things still in place: a picture of us (surprisingly), birthday roses she dried among other things that i've given her, and it can only remind her of how integrated we became and how inseparable I think we are- more wishful thinking perhaps. For someone so intent on keeping us apart it seems she's doing such a terrible job of letting go. We went to the gym last Wednesday morning and had coffee after. We chatted it up, and if it wasn't for work I think we'd end up spending the day together. She wanted to take me out for dinner so we had din Friday, and we had a great time. She asked if I was with anyone and I told her I was. Right off the bat 20 questions came up: who was she, how did we meet, did I sleep with her, etc. I asked about her rebound but she was less than reciprocal, but eventually gave details. The night was fun and we spent the night together. We tried to make love that night but she was overcome by the idea that I was with someone during our time apart and couldn’t do it…hypocritical given the fact that she was with a rebound for 3 weeks during our breakup. By the next morning she got over it and we did have sex, but she was nonetheless struggling with her demons again, saying what a mess things were, but oh well, let’s shag a few more times and enjoy the intimacy. Things stretched into the afternoon where she was contemplating not speaking for at least a year so that we can finally be friends. “I don’t want to date you” she would say repeatedly, and would continue to talk about the people she’s dated during the past three months we’ve been broken up. It wasn’t rocket science but I told her there were feelings that still existed, that we were still emotionally attached. I also said that she may have to accept the fact that these feelings may never go away- that we are indeed meant for each other, only you’re too scared to admit it.

 

She had a birthday party to go to Sunday and I was going on with life. I got a text from her and she was drunk…asked if I could pick her up. I agreed, knowing that she wanted to spend the night with me but more importantly wanting to get her home safe, and so I came. She was trying to sneak out because her friends didn’t know of our nutty situation. When I came by she was escorted out by some random guy trying to take advantage of a drunk girl and he started kissing her…that’s when I lost my cool and confronted them. Knowing what I’d do to him she tried to push me away and then walked away (saying ”I have issues” while I confronted the dude with a skirt on (some late ocktoberfest theme party crap). Rage and jealousy ran thru my veins as I wanted every reason to beat the crap out of him, but nonetheless gave him the opportunity to tell me with a simple yes or no answer whether he was kissing her. He was peeing in his pants and lying thru his teeth for the sole purpose to preserve them, and then he finally walked behind the door and locked it. Back to my ex…she would not talk to me and explain her behavior, twice changing the destination between my house and her’s. Why am I so stuck on a woman with such standards as to let random guys kiss her. Why does she feel a constant desire to feel “desirable” by letting this happen?

 

I am torn between telling her everything that’s on my mind, risk pushing her out of my life for good, and simply just going back to NC. Any kind of relationship talk pushes her away so it’s a risk of a wasted effort. She refuses to recognize her issues and I truly feel this is the barrier between us. I just don’t know what to do…

[SuperDave71]

Kenbo,

 

 

You doing ok out there?

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[shadylady1979]

Dear Dave and others,

 

I want my ex back even though he cheated. I have done LC for about 12 days now, because we had to talk about some things (I owned title to the car he drove, which I now have back), and we have 2 dogs, and he has several classic cars at what is now MY apt.

 

He asked to live with our neighbor when I kicked him out because he said otherwise he'd be homeless. I told him to go live with the girl he cheated with, and since that was the only person out here he knew, he did.

 

I know he is a loser and a jerk, but I still miss him.

 

Honestly, I caught him coming from a bar with her, so we never really got to close things, etc.

 

Would it be wrong to speak with him and tell him how I really feel? How I still love him but know this can't work?

 

I feel like I need some kind of closure, since we were saying "I love you" up until 12 days ago. I caught him; if I hand't we'd still be together.

 

Also, in this situation, who is the dumper/dumpee? Technically I am the dumper, but he was really the dumper since he decided to cheat. I am asking because a lot of posts say the dumper will go back to the dumpee.

 

The weird thing is about two weeks before I found this out, he moved out, but came back the next day, and for another week, begging me to take him back. I am guessing he went to her, but for some reason decided it was wrong.

 

I am so afraid he will like being with her all the time, but then I think...if he really wanted to leave me, he would have done it when they first me (about 3 months ago).

 

Please help, this NC is killing me. Yesterday I wanted to die.

[OCD]

Hey SuperD, i'm not sure if you've read about my updates, but I finally asked my ex to stop calling....it was starting to hurt me and she was throwing me scraps...it wasn't very fare to me....I just wanted to see what you thought as you've seeen my progress....I held strong and played it cool through the thing, she is just very confused and doens't know what she wants....so I took my self out of equasion...i think i did the write thing as others agreed with too. I tried to talk as friends, but it just wasn't what I wanted....have you gone through this? I guess I wasn't totallly as healed as I thought when I started taking her calls again....i don't know, but I feel like I did the right thing to stand up for myself and not let her treat me that way, but I'm also feeling a little down about it after a few days have passed....i do have a gut feeling that she'll call me again...just a thought, but I just wanted to hear your take...thank you sir...

 

OCD

[kenbo]

Feeling numb Dave, thanks for checking on me. I feel like i'm in a similar situation as OCD, albeit with much more contact, but feeling just as frustrated. She came back, right? NC worked to a certain extent, right? What's wrong with this picture? Her...time and time again. I'm not standing up for myself...we are essentially friends with benefits and she knows I want more than that. One of the key differences to my behavior and her's is that I've been playing it cool, not talking about the relationship, and i've stopped pursuing...she sees it, comes back for a day or two a week, and after she gets her fix declares us a mess. Either she's not letting me go because she's trying to buy time until she knows or she's waiting until she finds another branch to grab onto. She repeatedly says she doesn't want to date me because it doesn't "feel" right and yet she is still emotionally tied to me and comes back- are these two emotional feelings not along the same lines that simply need to be bridged in her head or am I just trying to be Dr. Phil? Her actions speak louder than words.

 

She took repsonsibility for Sunday night's events, even regretted texting me (and falling off the wagon), which led to the whole mess. Nothing accomplished, just airing things out and her putting up her usual front. As much as I tried to prod and get her to open up to me she resisted. She didn't say NC this time oddly enough, but said we could still hang out and stuff, which exposes us to more spontaneous encounters...she is simply not ready to let go- sounds fair, huh...her terms. I tried to get her to talk about her issues but she was defiant and told me she didn't have any. I called her on the guy kissing her and she blew it off as meaningless, saying she knew it would lead to nothing anyway. She arrogantly said "I know where I want my life to be going forward" in subtle reference to me. Right.

 

While I should be happy that NC/LC worked for me i'm back in limbo. I'm confident she knows the reason why she doesn't want to be with me but she won't tell me. If she told me perhaps I'd have more strength to find closure and walk away from this feeling of being her second choice or consolation prize...insulting. The irony is that she benchmarks the guys she dates against me.

 

Please pass the duct tape over. If anyone out there has a perspective on what's going on in that head of her's I'd appreciate it.