Conflicting feelings about my boyfriend

[threebutterflies]

I am 22 years old, and my current bf is 21. We will both be graduating with our bachelors after this semester and we had a number of fights recently. Long story short I am frustrated with him. I find a lot of his behaviors to be very immature. I feel like I am his mother sometimes. But.. on the other hand he is overall kind and caring to me. Just very naive. And I know I can't change anyone so I am at a loss of what to do.

I feel like I want a man who is more self motivated. He would be getting his masters because I want to get a masters degree... he told me that is the only reason why he is pursuing it and he doesn't really know what to do after he graduates. Which is sweet. but i personally wouldn't do that. 

I have met his family before, a couple of times, and his father was so upset during both of those times, and according to my bf, it had nothing to do with me. But it wasn't a good feeling. 

What doesn't help is that my mother believes I would not be able to find anyone else, because I am going to pursue a grad degree, which will apparently make it harder for me to find a guy, since most men do not want to be with educated women. She tells me that no guy is perfect, and implied i should settle. Am I crazy for disagreeing?
 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, threebutterflies said:

Am I crazy for disagreeing?

Not at all. 

Your mother sounds incredibly old-fashioned, and desperate for you to have a boyfriend. So she is filling your head with nonsense to scare you into keeping this guy. 

You already know you and he are not compatible. It's time to listen to your gut and go your separate ways.

[threebutterflies]

thank you so much for your valuable input-- i definitely need to listen to my gut more. i'd also like to add we are together for a bit more than a year

[poorlittlefish]

Your mother should want you to be happy, not settle for anything less.  There are millions of men in the world and she thinks that not one of them would be suitable/interested in you??!  Contrary to her opinion, many men want to spend their time with an intelligent woman, capable of decent conversation and able to stand on her own two feet.  Do not listen to your mother; she is not really thinking of your best interests on this matter.

[threebutterflies]

@poorlittlefish I agree. I haven't been the nicest to him either because I was frustrated, and she knows that and thinks that I am the problem, and that I am self sabotaging because I don't realize how good he is.

[DarkCh0c0]

I think he has some maturing to do, and you two are not compatible. And that's okay. You need something different in a man. I know I would too.

And I'm with everyone. There are so many men out there who would love to have an intelligent and mature woman like you.

Trust your judgment and take the necessary actions. He might be your first break up, so it's normal to have doubts. You can do it.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, threebutterflies said:

Am I crazy for disagreeing?

Depends. You would find somebody else, that shouldnt be an issue. But whether its better or worst from current, we dont know that. It could be one or the other.

One thing is the truth, and that is that if you are not happy, you should leave. It would give both of you time to find somebody else. Both of you are very very young so you have plenty of time to do that. Its better now then in a few years.

I have a friend. Him and his girlfriend lived together for almost 3 years and dated 4 or 5 years before that. Only for then to snap, to say how they dont function well(they really dont) and how she doesnt want a baby even though they tried for one. So now they broken up. Anyway, I think its way better to cut off things earlier if you see things dont work up. Then to wait for years and be at the same point. He may change and be more mature once he gets some job. But he also may not and you would always be mother figure to him. But in a meantime you would maybe lose years. Years who you could spend on getting out there and maybe finding a better match.

[DarkCh0c0]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

He may change and be more mature once he gets some job. But he also may not and you would always be mother figure to him. But in a meantime you would maybe lose years. Years who you could spend on getting out there and maybe finding a better match

Damn right! Well said.

[TeeDee]

Your mother is mistaken.  Well educated woman find quality partners.  It may be a tad harder because the pool of men is smaller but that is no reason to settle.  

FWIW I have a big deal terminal degree.  I dated lots of men with that same pedigree.  It didn't make them better people, BFs or lovers.   When I met & married my husband he hadn't even graduated from college & was going to school on line.  While I have more sheepskins to hang up that has never adversely effected our relationship.   All of my friends from school, both undergrad & grad school are happily married.  As long as you don't laud your education over someone's head, your level of education should not be the driving predictor of your love like.  

Your BF is nuts to take on more debt without a plan.   Whether you stay with him or not, do at least one last motherly thing for him & talk him out of getting a Masters he doesn't know he wants.  Encourage him to get a job.  Whatever you do, do not pick the school to get your Masters based on where he's going.  

Your life is at a transition point right now.  You know things will change after graduation & that has you a bit on edge.  Change is scary, even good change.  Go easier on yourself. 

You know in your heart that your BF is not your future husband at least not as things stand.  Listen to yourself, not your mom.  

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, threebutterflies said:

What doesn't help is that my mother believes I would not be able to find anyone else, because I am going to pursue a grad degree, which will apparently make it harder for me to find a guy, since most men do not want to be with educated women. She tells me that no guy is perfect, and implied i should settle. Am I crazy for disagreeing?
 

Who ever said you're looking for perfection?

'm 57, married mom of a 15 year old boy.

I got my grad degree at 28 and had a very intense, successful career for the next 15 years after a good first shorter career that was far less lucrative. I'd been an ambitious, smart, spunky go getter since my very early teens and had plenty of boyfriends.   Here's how you manage the "harder" part because it can be.  One - move to a city teeming with young single professionals (if  you don't meet your man in grad school). I did - 9 miles from my parents home - high rent dsitrict where I could walk to work/get there fast by public transit.  

Two - have "some" balance where you have friends/activities outside of work. 

Three -leave your professional hat at the office.  No do not play dumb or be self-deprecating  but if you want a man who has um "masculine" traits yes let him lead in certain ways-yes if you're a wheeler dealer spunky gal like I was (am?) -soften your personal and romantic approach.  Not in a fake way! Consider who you are and who you want to be socially and as a close friend and potential serious romantic partner.  If you can't shed the professional hat -that's fine -you do you -and yes that level of intensity might be a bit off putting on a personal level. 

Four -find men you respect and admire.  If you don't then in your situation in particular -total dealbreaker.  This man is not  your forever person IMO.  He's young so he might change but I wouldn't personally wait around.

I met my future husband 5 months after graduation.  He'd gone for the same grad degree.  We met on my 49th day of work which with those hours was more like my 100th and it was his first day of work. On our first lunch date 9 months later one of his first questions was why I chose our career.  Because ambition and passion for work mattered to him and he also was traditional and wanted to marry a woman who wanted to be home full time after maternity leave ended for at least a while. In me he got the package.  I've known him this many years and I respect and admire the heck out of him and he tolerates my desire to work hard still even though I don't have to  and if he wasn't ambitious and smart too -I bet he just wouldn't get it.  

Find someone who gets it and you.  Good luck.  Not about perfection at all. Edited to add -move on from any man who sees your accomplishments as just a piece of paper -that will be incompatible on a practical level too.

[Andrina]

This is a watershed moment, when you two are about to graduate, so it's no wonder you're in severe decision-making mode about your relationship.

You're an adult now, so it's time to realize that although some parents can give good advice, some sometimes don't. I'd probably put some boundaries of what you share with your mother about your dating life for your own good. Her views are totally off the mark.

This experience has been relevant, as every dating experience is, to determine who is right for you and who isn't. Yeah, it's never wise to hope for the best if a person making a major change is the only way you'll be happy. Always accept that a person comes "as is" and make your determination based upon that.

I believe you will each benefit from a breakup to eventually find better matches. And don't feel the need to always have a man in your life. I wish I'd taken more time to embrace the freedom of being single when I was young.

[Coily]

You boyfriend is sadly directionless, I would dare say he went for his bachelors degree as he didn't know what to do after high school. Nothing wrong with him,  however I doubt he will make you happy in the long run. He is in autopilot as he has these notions of what is expected of him, and he is just going along hoping he can figure it all out. Until something clicks for him, where he finds his vocation, he will just drift along.

Your mother is right, but for the wrong reasons, sounds harsh on the surface but she has a point. Most men don't care about your credentials/education level, or any of that on paper qualifications. Now men do love a witty, intelligent, dynamic woman, or at least I do; but running through the degree mill doesn't reflect a woman's intelligence.

From what you have written, I gather you would put weight in a man's credentials? I don't want to make assumptions. However, for enough women who value purchased credentials the dating pool becomes harder to navigate. The higher that bias the smaller the pool of men becomes. Now if you are open to a good man who has motivation and similar values, but hasn't been through the degree mill you have the whole world open to you.

I'll leave you with this anecdote, friend of mine has two doctorates and is currently a professor at a decently well known University; her husband is a plumber. He dropped out of University after they met; He owns his company in a large city, highly motivated guy. Some people told her she settled on an uneducated man, but she valued his drive and ambition, not his credentials. So look for who they are, not what they staple on the wall.

[smackie9]

Your BF is only 21! The brain doesn't stop developing until age 25. Most guys are a few years behind us in maturity development. I get it you have a list of I want it now, and I need this for my future. Relax. Focus on your own goals but don't get so caught up in it.

This won't be your last relationship...you will probably be dating and having experiences. What's the rush anyways? Let it go...leave your BF alone, it's his life, he will evolve into something someday, but that's not up to you. As for your mom, let her comments roll off your back. You don't need threats like that. You are not going to die old and alone never having married.

It's way too soon to fret over this. Take a break, go on a trip together, have fun, explore different cultures, or take up a new hobby together. Everything will work itself out in the wash.

[catfeeder]

A person doesn't need to be a villain in order to be a bad match for you. You've kept yourself on hold, stunting your own college experience, just for the false 'security' of having a boyfriend. But partnering with someone who's ambition and judgment are lacking doesn't exactly feel secure or inspiring, does it?

You're learning the lonely and frustrating reality of parenting someone else's son. It's unfulfilling and depressing if you consider wasting the best years of your future on this path. Your mother is superimposing an old fashioned timeline for coupling and marriage over the realities of today, and you already know that taking her advice would make you miserable.

I'd break up with the guy quickly to liberate him from his unmotivated plans for grad school. This would also free you to throw yourself into studies and parties prior to graduation, and hopefully you can learn how to have some fun before the semester ends. Avoid rolling straight into another relationship. Most people, no matter how wonderful they may be as human beings, are NOT the right partner for you. Grow comfortable solo, and this will teach you the confidence to screen out bad matches without trying to convert them into a relationship first. You will thank yourself when you strike simpatico with the right man for you.

Head high, and feel free to write more if it helps.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, threebutterflies said:

. I feel like I am his mother sometimes. . He would be getting his masters because I want to get a masters degree.. She tells me that no guy is perfect, and implied i should settle. Am I crazy for disagreeing?

Sorry this is happening. Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Why is your mother this involved in marrying you off? 

Post grad degrees are for your profession.  Not just a status symbol Hopefully you'll pursue whatever you wish.

Being educated is not a deterrent to dating. Your mother seems desperate to get you married off. That's the other main issue. 

The most disconcerting part of your post is not whether or not he pursues more education, it's that you "feel like his mother". This is a power struggle and lack of respect. 

Reconsider the relationship, not because of whatever education he pursues but because you feel the need to infantilize him and remodel him.

[lolo]

Your mother is partially right, she says nobody is perfect and that is very true.

It is unlikely you will find someone that is perfect for you in every sense of the word. You will always have to settle for something that is not 100% perfect. The real question is: what flaws are you willing to accept?

If you feel that the flaws of your current BF are not acceptable for you, then I suppose it might be time to move on. In my opinion, it does not make sense to stay in a relationship with someone that you will eventually grow to resent because of the way they are and behave.

[boltnrun]

Our parents usually mean well but what worked for them may not work for us.

For example, years ago there were two interns at my job, both college students. The young lady intern was working to put herself through school because her parents refused to help her financially. Her mother said "Why do you need a college degree to get married and have babies?" And the young man intern was also working to put himself through school. His dad told him "Oh, you think you're better than me, don't you? Being a mechanic is fine for me but you think you're too good for that!" The young lady was studying engineering and the young man was double majoring in engineering and pre-law. You would think their parents would be proud but instead they were upset. The parents thought their children were looking down on them because they wanted different things for themselves. 

I never got a college degree, but I'm proud my son has one.

In short, you have every right to choose your own life and your own partner. If you and your current boyfriend don't want the same things it's fine for you to decide you aren't compatible. And there are plenty of good men who will appreciate a woman like you.

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, threebutterflies said:

 I may be in the wrong for this but I do feel like his mother because I feel I have to tell him what the right thing to do is and what is rude. 

You're treating him more like a child than his parents and yes it's wrong. 

You seem to have an incredibly long list of nitpicking and other complaints.

Please set yourselves free so he can find someone who respects him and you can find someone you appreciate as a human being. Please stop treating people like projects, it's insulting. 

[threebutterflies]

10 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Your mother is mistaken.  Well educated woman find quality partners.  It may be a tad harder because the pool of men is smaller but that is no reason to settle.  

FWIW I have a big deal terminal degree.  I dated lots of men with that same pedigree.  It didn't make them better people, BFs or lovers.   When I met & married my husband he hadn't even graduated from college & was going to school on line.  While I have more sheepskins to hang up that has never adversely effected our relationship.   All of my friends from school, both undergrad & grad school are happily married.  As long as you don't laud your education over someone's head, your level of education should not be the driving predictor of your love like.  

Your BF is nuts to take on more debt without a plan.   Whether you stay with him or not, do at least one last motherly thing for him & talk him out of getting a Masters he doesn't know he wants.  Encourage him to get a job.  Whatever you do, do not pick the school to get your Masters based on where he's going.  

Your life is at a transition point right now.  You know things will change after graduation & that has you a bit on edge.  Change is scary, even good change.  Go easier on yourself. 

You know in your heart that your BF is not your future husband at least not as things stand.  Listen to yourself, not your mom.  

He is lucky, he got a scholarship, so he wouldn’t be in debt. And actually, he was offended that he is not a consideration to what school I pick. I got a really nice offer to an out of state school which is close to the university we go to, and he told me he would still like to see me. 
 

I feel we may grow apart if I go to a different school 

[boltnrun]

I think you should be upfront with him rather than hope you two will "grow apart".

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, threebutterflies said:

He is lucky, he got a scholarship, so he wouldn’t be in debt. And actually, he was offended that he is not a consideration to what school I pick. I got a really nice offer to an out of state school which is close to the university we go to, and he told me he would still like to see me. 
 

I feel we may grow apart if I go to a different school 

But wouldn’t that be ideal?

You can love someone as a human being without feeling pressured to remain his partner.

Some people are best loved from far away.

[TeeDee]

On 3/29/2024 at 4:29 PM, threebutterflies said:

I feel we may grow apart if I go to a different school 

That would be a good thing. 

[tattoobunnie]

On 3/29/2024 at 1:45 AM, threebutterflies said:

my mother believes I would not be able to find anyone else, because I am going to pursue a grad degree, which will apparently make it harder for me to find a guy, since most men do not want to be with educated women.
 

Do you honestly believe that "most" men only want women with an MRS degree?

Tell your mom to marry him if he thinks he's such a catch.

You've outgrown him, and there's nothing wrong with wanting someone who is your match.

"It's not working out."  That's enough of a reason to leave.

While all my lady friends with their Masters are all happily married, including myself, zero divorces, there is nothing wrong with a relationship where one partner is the ambitious one, and the partner supports their career. 

My hubs went to pursue a few different degrees off and on that totals 10 years.  He still has never earned any degree, but he's a genius and while he's taken several different career paths, he is very happy at his current one, and makes twice what I make now.

Many people don't know what they want to do with their life workwise at 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26+, 30+, 35+...heck, my mom opened her 1st business at 45 years old, and turned it into a multimillion enterprise.

So, I wouldn't view your relationship through the lens of what pieces of paper they have.  Look for someone who's accountable, fiscally responsible enough to at least work their partner to make decisions together. Someone who respects you and supports your goals.  Someone who's your ride of die.

And if this guy doesn't do it for you for these reasons, he's not the right one for you.

[SooSad33]

On 3/29/2024 at 1:45 AM, threebutterflies said:

I am 22 years old, and my current bf is 21. We will both be graduating with our bachelors after this semester and we had a number of fights recently. Long story short I am frustrated with him. I find a lot of his behaviors to be very immature. I feel like I am his mother sometimes. But.. on the other hand he is overall kind and caring to me. Just very naive. And I know I can't change anyone so I am at a loss of what to do.

You two are still so young and only beginning your adult life.  No, he may not be 'fully mature' yet.  Some guys do take more time to 'grow up'. And by sounds of it, you're just not that into him anymore.

You're more ready to 'spread your wings' now, and are more focused on your studies.

As for your mother, who cares what she has to say. This is your life and as fact, many people meet up during their years in school ( college, uni, etc). Studying similar things and spending a lot of time together, etc.

So don't you worry & feel you need to 'settle' for this guy you feel isn't your kind.