My boyfriend broke up with me

[catfeeder]

I would mail the keys certified signature only along with an email to inform what I’ve done along with the tracking number. If anything happens like a theft or a break in or he loses something valuable I would want proof that I returned the keys.

I’d seal the pet stuff, tell him where it’s stored outside, and if he doesn’t collect it by x date the unopened stuff will be donated and all else thrown out. It’s a matter of waste of unopened stuff that can be used to help another animal, and potential infestation of the opened stuff would justify tossing that or giving it to a neighbor.

[Jaunty]

You can mail his keys back to him with no trouble to yourself.  

Pet stuff - bag it and leave it on the porch.  Let him know.  I will bet that he just ditches it.

The whole "being a boyfriend" act, as half-assed as he played it, was too much for the guy.  

[Batya33]

The let's still be friends thing usually is a throwaway/silly line.  I agree with Rainbowroses that there might be another gal in the picture hence social media is not a good idea. 

[Alex39]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The bolded would assume he gives a crap.  Which he doesn't.  My guess is he's involved with a new woman and doesn't want her seeing anything about his ex (you) on SM.

Men (like him) don't usually leave one relationship unless they've secured another. 

I'm sorry and don’t say this to be hurtful, but it's important you face the reality that's it's over.    As such, you should move on NOW, not if/when he doesn't show up to get his things.

Jmo but it does no good calling him a "coward" or any other derogatory adjective.  He wasn't interested in pursuing your relationship further.  That's it. 

Spend some time instrospecting about your role in the breakdown, give yourself time to HEAL then get back out there.  

Try something new on, like loving yourself first, and never giving more than you're receiving.

I've posted this before but we were not placed on this earth to be martyrs for men.

That's not loving yourself and it's definitely not how a man will fall in love with you either.

 

 

 

I understand. I guess I get bursts of being strong, annoyed at him, frustrated, confident in moving on. But I still have a thread left of what happened and why is he doing this. 

I know our relationship wasn't perfect, but honestly, this caught me so off guard that I'm still shocked and confused. My family is shocked and confused. He was saying he was going to see them soon, recently. We had recent plans. So this breakup, as much as I see some parts, I'm confused still too. Where did it finally go wrong for him? It was just a week before the breakup that he told me he loved me, kissed me so sweetly twice, and that was the last time I ever saw him. We were texting and calling since then. Within a week he started working nonstop and it seemed really sudden. Calling less, texting became lazy. One words answers. But I just figured it was from working so much and being tired. 

Ever since he got this second job, I do see where that was when everything went downhill. He got the 2nd job and sex ended. Effort lessened. He was always tired. The love slowly went away. So I do see that. I tried to be supportive. He was working. Trying to provide and make extra money. If he was just hanging with friends and ditching me all the time. I think this would have ended weeks ago. But he was working, which I find admirable, so I tried to be supportive. He was just saying a few weeks ago that when he gets his new apartment, that he'll give me a few hundred dollars to buy stuff he needs.  I'm a good shopper. 

He doesn't make good decisions with money and it had gotten him into this mess. 

I keep thinking he met someone else and that absolutely breaks my heart. 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Ever since he got this second job, I do see where that was when everything went downhill. He got the 2nd job and sex ended. Effort lessened. He was always tired. The love slowly went away. So I do see that

It's sad, but he was doing the slow fade until you called him out on it. That's when he finally admitted he's not ready for a relationship.

It's good you noticed the writing on the wall and confronted him, otherwise he would have just slowly but surely disappeared. Sort of de facto breaking up but not telling you.  Just the usual busy, tired, broke, something came up, etc etc.That's his style. 

Is the reason you have his keys and pet stuff because you were pet sitting for him?  Unfortunately you overinvested. 

You asked him to come over to give his stuff back. See what happens. Did you invite him over to collect his stuff perhaps hoping to reconcile? 

[Alex39]

Yes thats why I have his stuff from the pet sitting. 

I did want to talk about reconciling at first. That was my goal. But now, I'm so heartbroken over his approach to breaking up, shocked by it, upset that he even bailed on getting his stuff, and looking back seeing how I wasn't treated how I deserve, I don't want to reconcile. I was still hoping we could talk and I could get some closure on how the came about and why he feels this way. What he's feeling at all. But I don't see him coming tomorrow.  I'd be shocked if he did. 

[Sally .C.]

If he shows up tomorrow, I wouldn't invite him inside. When he knocks, open the door with his box of stuff ready in hand. I would be polite, but not start a conversation. 

"Here's your things, take care."

Close door.

[Jaunty]

Can you acknowledge that he was on the path to doing exactly this from the very first week you were together?   

I would put big money on this:  If you had not been whipping and spurring this lackluster union along, he would probably not have hung in there for even a month.

Do NOT take this as an insult.  It's not.  But I truly do not think that you can move forward in any healthy kind of way unless you can face the fact that he was very blah the whole time.  

You were dragging dead weight.  Including sexually.  

If you have trouble accepting this, I encourage you (again) to read the one remaining thread you have here about this relationship.  

 

[Alex39]

He had just told me he made a doctors appointment to get help for his sexual issues. He even told me the day. Why? If you weren't planning on staying with me? This was like one week before the breakup. 

I do acknowledge that in the first month of dating he was flaky, but after that he was better and he was the one bringing me to meet his parents. Taking me on the weekend trip with his mom. That guy doted on me. Tried to make me happy. 

August, September, and into October our relationship was really good I thought. We had fun, we spent good time together, we talked about the future. I don't know what happened. He would bring up putting our pets together and he got excited talking about what he'd do to my house if he moved in. I remember him getting giddy seeing certain rooms and acting like he was HGTV. Why? If you didn't see a future with me?

Even a few weeks ago, he called me about a new apartment. One with more parking and room. He was excited saying I could come over more. It was more convenient and it'd be nicer. He even said he told the landlord about me and how I'd come visit him. He even told the guy how maybe after his lease is up, that he'll move in with me. 

A couple weeks ago he took me to his job and introduced me to people and gave me a big tour. 

He got that other job and he slowly got less patient, less available,  more tired, less into his hobbies, and less lovable. 

Before, I was always hugging him, rubbing his shoulders, and touching him. I love connecting that way. In the last few weeks, he's not loved it as much and shied away from me. I was so confused and felt rejected. 

He was snippy on our phone calls. I'd tell him about something going on and he wasn't understanding or patient. He used to support me and always cheer me up. But this was nothing like that. I felt alone and un-supported. 

He stopped wanting me to sleep over. If he came over, he would fall asleep and our time wasn't quality, it was tiredness. Just laying around. 

I remember the sweet, happy guy who made me coffee in the morning and brought it to me in his bed. 

This isn't even the same person. I don't recognize him. 

What I think happened. The 2nd job became too much. Financial struggles became too much. He is crumbling under the pressure and is overworked. He isn't enjoying his life anymore. He doesn't have much of one anymore. 

He isn't doing hobbies he likes anymore, he grew resentful of his life. So he figured one way to breathe is to cut me off. One less thing to worry about. 

I don't understand. I always always supported him. 

He said on our phone call that he was really upset over this breakup. Then why breakup? 

He unfollowed me on social media. But he still has me as his friend. So he can't see my stuff, but I can see his. That speaks volumes to me. Normally you'd just completely unfriend the person and they dont see your stuff, you dont see theirs. But he only blocked himself from seeing my profile. I originally thought maybe he'd post other chick's and such that he's with, but then why keep me seeing your stuff? Why let me see your stuff as your Instagram friend?

To me, him just unfollowing me, is so he doesn't have to see me. Maybe he feels guilty? Maybe it's too painful? I wonder. 

I've gone through breakups before and usually social media is a clean sweep. Unfriend each other. They usually don't want you seeing their page. 

[LootieTootie]

I think you're grieving and you're going thru the emotional roller coaster of these mixed bag of emotions - anger, denial, sadness, pity. So feel what you need to feel. Cry if you need to cry. But please don't beat yourself up in ruminating why on this guy. He's a time waster. 

And I know this might be hard to hear but I think this guy was just mostly using you.

Him showing you off to his parents, his coworkers, thats just for him to show them that "yes theres a female out there who wants to be with me." You were his ego-booster. You showed him that theres a woman out there that will cater to him and beckon to him at every whim. You listened to him b8tch and moan nonstop about his life, and yet he never really cared to know what's on Alex's mind.

And I don't think the guy ever loved you even if he said it. I know you bring up about how great he was in 3 months out of the 6 months, but he was consistently treating you like an afterthought, even discarded you like one.

I think he loved the idea that there was a woman out there that care a lot about him. I think he loved the idea of living in a better place with a girlfriend. I think he loved the idea of having his parents be close to his significant other. But thats all he was doing... was loving the ideas, but he didnt love you.

So it doesn't matter why he has blocked you and why he is still allowing you to be his friend on social media. I would just chalk it up to him being him -  loving that you are still around in his social media to validate him, while he has always been the one to invalidate you.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He unfollowed me on social media. But he still has me as his friend. So he can't see my stuff, but I can see his. That speaks volumes to me.

It's actually not that relevant, no. 

He has still ended this relationship. Whether or not you can see what he posts (or vice versa) doesn't change anything. 

[kim42]

I'd block him on social media so you can move on and not worry about him watching your stories or his new posts. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I know our relationship wasn't perfect, but honestly, this caught me so off guard that I'm still shocked and confused.

It's not that it "wasn't perfect" -and since when is perfection a relevant standard? It's that from the very beginning he didn't "relate" to you in a way that had any serious potential.  Just read your prior threads -he told and showed you all he needed to know and went through the superficial motions of coupling.  For him meeting friends/parents/attending a funeral may not have had the meaning you ascribed to it - at the same time you squelched your desire for a person who was reliable, potentially a good and stable financial provider, and when you un-squelched recently -he ran.  (Again but this time for good).  

 I also wouldn't be surprised if his cherished friends/drinking buddies introduced him to someone. 

I'm sorry.  Many are shocked and confused over a breakup - some here including me were shocked at how you tolerated his crappy treatment when you two made plans.

Also no not about job stress or financial stress- often that's when couples get closer.  And those are -typical -so if he can't hack dating someone in those situation how in the world would he weather far more intense stuff while a husband and dad.  We have - family dying, relocating, becoming parents (for us amazing -and -stressful!), fall out from the pandemic, work stress and on and on- we signed up for it -for better or for worse.  

Of course he had a life.  He made time to go out drinking with friends. Please.

I agree about dismissing any social media nonsense -it's all nonsense -whether followed/unfollowed/privacy settings/clicking -all irrelevant once it's over unless it has to do with personal safety.  

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He had just told me he made a doctors appointment to get help for his sexual issues.  I remember him getting giddy seeing certain rooms and acting like he was HGTV. 

He said a lot of insincere things that were just hot air, pipedreams and empty promises. He's been taking about Drs appointments, buying a motorcycle and all sorts of things that never materialize.

Sometimes it seems like you initiated a lot of the future talk and he just went along with it. 

Are you hoping that he's still hanging on because he didn't delete and block you from social media? 

Overall the main problem was asking him to be "exclusive" in order to have the BF label. He was never really in with both feet but at some level you know this. 

He would probably have continued to just coast along if you hadn't confronted him. He didn't need to put in much effort. 

[Sindy_0311]

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He had just told me he made a doctors appointment to get help for his sexual issues. He even told me the day. Why? If you weren't planning on staying with me? This was like one week before the breakup. 

I remember he told you the same a few month ago when you first met... So I presume he didn't have time to go during 5 month.... 

 

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He isn't doing hobbies he likes anymore, he grew resentful of his life. So he figured one way to breathe is to cut me off. One less thing to worry about. 

This is in fact the moments when you can mesure the real potential of a relationship. If he thinks you are too much to worry about when you should be the only thing that give him some peace, this is really bad. No matter the reasons, or what he does now, when someone tells you they don't want you in their life, you hear them and you disappear, you leave them alone. Not in one week from now or in a few days, but instantly. That's why you should cut all contact, social media with him NOW. And just send him his keys in a beautiful envelope. End of story, next 😁

He's no longer part of your life, he decided that, so stop being available for him and his stuff. 

If you get fired form a job, do you still show up the next morning? I guess not... it's same here. 

 

[Alex39]

9 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I think you're grieving and you're going thru the emotional roller coaster of these mixed bag of emotions - anger, denial, sadness, pity. So feel what you need to feel. Cry if you need to cry. But please don't beat yourself up in ruminating why on this guy. He's a time waster. 

And I know this might be hard to hear but I think this guy was just mostly using you.

Him showing you off to his parents, his coworkers, thats just for him to show them that "yes theres a female out there who wants to be with me." You were his ego-booster. You showed him that theres a woman out there that will cater to him and beckon to him at every whim. You listened to him b8tch and moan nonstop about his life, and yet he never really cared to know what's on Alex's mind.

And I don't think the guy ever loved you even if he said it. I know you bring up about how great he was in 3 months out of the 6 months, but he was consistently treating you like an afterthought, even discarded you like one.

I think he loved the idea that there was a woman out there that care a lot about him. I think he loved the idea of living in a better place with a girlfriend. I think he loved the idea of having his parents be close to his significant other. But thats all he was doing... was loving the ideas, but he didnt love you.

So it doesn't matter why he has blocked you and why he is still allowing you to be his friend on social media. I would just chalk it up to him being him -  loving that you are still around in his social media to validate him, while he has always been the one to invalidate you.

 

 

I agree 1000% with this. I think this is true. I was a great ego boost. A great person to vent to. A great trophy. 

[catfeeder]

Alex, it’s not a good idea to glamorize in your memory the few times the guy actually came through on the most mundane of things. So you met some friends or coworkers. Finally? Big deal. In a good relationship this would have occurred organically and early enough to have never been such a mystery in the first place. He showed up on one of the days you had hoped he’d meet your parents instead of putting that off for yet another month or two? Wow. And the next time he would have asked them for your hand in marriage?

And then there’s all the ‘talk’ about love and future plans that made you so happy… the guy was full of BS promises before the day you first started complaining about him. And we watched you hold your breath before every time he canceled a plan with shiny promises of next time… only to bail on you then, too.

So it doesn’t serve you to inflate his batting record into something that wouldn’t have had you on here complaining that ever since he moved in after his eviction instead of taking that apartment he couldn’t afford, he quit his day job and only works when you’re home, while he plays video games every day you’re at your office and heads out to help his friends all night before you get home. But he keeps promising this will change once he’s able to perform in the bedroom and give you a baby you can support.

It was never going to be a great relationship beyond the one you invented in your mind, Alex. I’m so sorry you are hurting, and I hope you will find a way to stop making it worse than it needs to be. The hardest breakups in the world are the ones we need to make with our own fantasies.

[rainbowsandroses]

I think one of the problems here Alex is that admittedly you have never had a decent romantic relationship, you've never had a man been truly into you and treat you "properly" so you don't know what one looks like.

Here, in the early stages, when you should have been observing his behavior and nexting him for his absolutely abhorrent treatment (constantly blowing you off, his lame ass excuses (flat tire?), behavior that couldn't even described as breadcrumbs it was that bad) you found reasons to justify it, accept it, and in some cases rewriting the story to fit your glamorized narrative of who he was, NOT the person he actually IS.

That is what I meant earlier when saying you suffered from "delusional thinking." It wasn't an insult (unlike much if HIS behavior was).  It was the truth and I experienced the same in a previous relationship.

It's a self protection mechanism to prevent us from seeing what's REAL because if we were to acknowledge what's real, our logical brain would thus almost demand that we walk away because staying would indicate our lack of self love and self care which as humans we are not loathe to admit to ourselves.

I also think much if it is our ego.  We see ourselves as goddesses in a way, beautiful kind, sweet, giving as you have often described yourself, so how could a man NOT love us?

Well guess what, as women we are NOT that special.  We don't have special powers, we are all flawed in some form or fashion and essentially we need to "get over ourselves." 

I refer to myself too, and I often tell myself "rainbow, get over your damn self, you're NOT that special"!

And I have an abundance of self love, but I still sometimes feel I need to get over myself.

First step towards healing oneself (internally).  Move away from never-never land, begin living in the REAL world where some people (men and women) simply are not good people, they have hidden agendas we know nothing about and if we're not paying close attention and only seeing what we want to see versus what's actually there, we could potentially get very hurt which sadly you are experiencing now.

Even now, I don't think you're seeing what's actually "there" although to your credit you're beginning to. 

Keep going, you'll get there. .

 

 

[Starlight925]

As time marches on, and there is space from this relationship, please look back at this from an outsider's perspective.

6 pages of comments so far, saying the same thing:

This man didn't value you.

This man fed you crumbs to sustain a thread of a relationship.  Crumbs never nourished anyone.

You felt a twinge of excitement each time he planned something, then a wave of disappointment when he cancelled.  Then a huge sadness when you found out that instead of seeing you, he hung out with his friends.

You opened up your life and your heart to him, and he only gave you slivers of his life.  

Imagine an eyedropper:  He "eyedropped" in little pieces of his life, which you ate up like huge meals.

You are worth more than this.

[Jaunty]

Alex, STOP LYING. 

You are lying to yourself and you have been since the very very first moments of this "relationship."

Strangely, though, you were sharing on here, and another forum as well, the dismal truths about how things were with you and this guy.  So you have several dozen witnesses to the facts.

You are harming yourself by refusing to be honest with yourself.  

If you had not clung desperately onto this sad guy and  the scraps he dribbled out you would not be here feeling bad now.  He would have been long gone probably the very first time he stood you up (was it the "flat tire"?  I forget) if you had been willing to stand by and allow things to take their natural course.

Yet you are STILL making up stories about it and sharing them. 

You can save yourself from this kind of pain if you become willing and able to accept truths and to function based on them.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

Maybe it's easier to frame it as "Everything was almost perfect, I don't know what went wrong!" than "I made a poor choice because finding someone I could say was my boyfriend was more important than actually finding the right boyfriend". 

No one who's read your posts thought it would last, not because you're terrible or hideous or unlovable but because he was so clearly not into this whole exclusive relationship thing you were trying to make happen. 

Be particular. Don't just find any male human who will allow you to label him as your boyfriend. Find the right one. 

[Batya33]

I agree with Jaunty.  It's basic common sense Alex which kicks in when you're not desperate.  You already know what reliability looks like.  You already know through friend and coworker relationships that words and actions have to be consistent to have a good relationship with another person.  You have strong commitments to friends and family.  You know what that looks like. Like your commitments to family vacations, events, weekends with your parents.

Are long term marriages and romantic relationships different -sure.  But nothing that happened here requires any unique knowledge about romantic relationships.  I agree with the others to stop with the what a good boyfriend he made. You were a far far better pet sitter than he was a boyfriend lol.  You offered (or agreed) you showed up reliably and took care of his pets.  

I would reread Catfeeder and Jaunty so you get better at picking who you date.

 

[Andrina]

I just read a quote that really fits by Cindy Cherie: When all you know is fight or flight, red flags and butterflies all feel the same.

[Jaunty]

There is a poster here who I really respect and learn from.  They say sometimes that they believe in choosing the narrative that will be the most gentle for us when we are in a painful situation.  

I've been quite resistant to this concept and this whole story is an example of why.

If (now that the guy has finally managed to extricate himself)  @Alex39 is not willing to stop reframing everything to fit a narrative that helps her feel better about herself in this moment, she is absolutely going to repeat.

She will probably even try to repeat with this very same guy.

It's in her words about how he has not blocked her completely.  

The cold hard truth is the only way.  I really believe that.   

 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

There is a poster here who I really respect and learn from.  They say sometimes that they believe in choosing the narrative that will be the most gentle for us when we are in a painful situation.  

I've been really resistant to this concept and this whole story is an example of why.

If (now that the guy has finally managed to extricate himself)  @Alex39 is not willing to stop reframing everything to fit a narrative that helps her feel better about herself in this moment, she is absolutely going to repeat.

She will probably even try to repeat with this very same guy.

It's in her words about how he has not blocked her completely.  

The cold hard truth is the only way.  I really believe that.   

 

I agree. I've never been a believer in choosing our own narrative to make ourselves feel better, creating stories, rewriting history. 

Best to deal with the reality of the situation as painful as it is.  Feel the hurt, let it rise to the surface then release it to the universe and move on from it. 

Stronger, wiser.