My boyfriend broke up with me

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I would also add that men in general dont care about the stuff like that. Its nice that woman has college, steady job, nice home etc. And its good to be proud about stuff like that. But aside of maybe somebody who would seek someone with those stuff, most men wont care. Especially about decorated home part.

I agree. In my experience over the years I lived on my own before marriage (no roommates -small apartment in an uber-cool city for 15 years) men care about:

space for their stuff if it gets serious (you know -closet space/a drawer);

easy access to staples in the fridge/pantry- and bonus if you know what their fave beverage is etc and you stock it

Easy access to towels etc for showering.

comfy couch and good size working TV with a remote that becomes theirs when they're at your place.  Good cable or netflix etc

I guess now -good wifi and maybe a PC/laptop they can use if needed to check work stuff or whatever.

Decent places to order out from (used to be good collection of takeout menus)

 

 

[boltnrun]

I like my home to look nice but it's for me, not for others to envy or be jealous of.

Alex, the qualities you say you're looking for in a man are nice but somewhat generic.  But what's interesting is your most recent boyfriend and this guy who's messaging you don't have those qualities, yet you were in a relationship with one and say you would date the other.  Can you see neither of those men would get you what you want?  You go into these things hoping they'll "change".  That is an approach that has little chance of success.

So you can keep doing the same things you've been doing and go through this again and again.  Or you can try ONE new thing and see if your life is enhanced in some way.

[LootieTootie]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

The thing about liking other people to be jealous of your nice house is unhealthy. 

Exactly. When you have unhealthy thinking about how you want others to view you, it only leads you to unhealthy thoughts and unhealthy feelings about someone or/and yourself. Alex, a lot of your threads about your friends spewed jealousy and contempt and lot of self-pity. You let those negative emotions fester inside you. It starts clouding your perspective on what is love, what is success, what is happy, what is good, what is bad... all this spreads to everything in your life. Meaning you are with a guy who isn't a relationship material guy, but you don't even really know what a "bad" relationship is because you have been thinking "as long as he texts me all the time, he is thinking about me and that's a keeper. I'm sure my friends' boyfriends don't text them as much as my guy." Instead you failed to see that he is just like you, he likes the idea of being like everyone else, but he doesn't know how to be good partner because he doesn't even know what a good partner is... just like you. We attract people who are like us.

Again, everything we do, we say and we think, it all starts somewhere and they're all intertwined. You need to reset your wiring. That might mean cutting some people out from your life, but believe me, not a loss when they're impediments to a healthy you and a healthy mind.

[rainbowsandroses]

18 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm charming, cute, impressive to them initially.

Alex, jmo as always but try to get away from this^ being "charming and cute" business.

I recall when you first began interacting with him on line, you were always trying hard to be cute and funny, with cute little comebacks and cute little snarks to him. 

I got the impression you thought by being cute and entertaining he'd somehow become attracted to you and want to date you. 

A man might be entertained but trust me it won't make a bit of difference when it comes to becoming attracted to you and wanting to date you, have a relationship with you.

I also get the feeling you are uncomfortable in your own skin.  As such, you're incapable of being "real" with men or even with yourself.

My advice is stop dating for awhile and get to know YOU.  Who are you? 

What do you truly want outside of societal and social pressures that you be married by a certain age?

You outlined earlier the qualities you seek in a man and partner; if I may ask, what were you doing dating this man when it became clear very early in, he was none of those things? 

 

[Batya33]

I don't think she needs to stop dating.  I think she can multitask.  She already knows she asks how high to jump and tries too hard to impress.  I don't think she will realize she doesn't want marriage and kid -just a guess- but she may realize what she's willing to do -and not do -to achieve a healthy, stable relationship with a family-oriented man.  Also I think she will do less of the effort, the work if she's worried about her clock ticking and still around so many others dating and getting engaged (like her brother etc) 

So I'd do both -just with being on high alert for her doormat triggers and other unhealthy actions and reactions.

What I would quit entirely -say no to all party planning or organizing requests or invites involving marriage or babies.  And I also would maybe send a gift if you're close friends but don't go.  Worst case scenario is they won't want to help you when it's your turn -but hopefully at that point you will want the sort of party to celebrate your marriage that doesn't require all that time and stuff and planning.  

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think she needs to stop dating

Bat I disagree.  Why?  Because at this point, it's become quite obvious every man she dates she views as a potential boyfriend.  And thus proceeds to turn herself inside out trying to make that happen. 

Alex, you said you spent a few years not dating but what did you learn about yourself during this time?  

Reason I ask is because once you began dating again, you jumped right back into your old habits of twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to get your now-ex to love you.

I stand by my earlier opinion of not dating for awhile and spending time reading, learning and getting to know exactly who you are and becoming comfortable in your own skin and being real. 

I've often taken breaks from dating after a significant relationship ended.   Significant in my mind anyway.  Many people do.

And doing so has been quite beneficial and when I'm ready I begin dating again with a fresh outlook and attutude. 

I've introspected and learned things that were extremely valuable and benefited me as I continued my journey.

 

 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bat I disagree.  Why?  Because at this point, it's become quite obvious every man she dates she views as a potential boyfriend.  And thus proceeds to turn herself inside out trying to make that happen. 

Alex, you said you spent a few years not dating but what did you learn about yourself during this time?  

Reason I ask is because once you began dating again, you jumped right back into your old habits of twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to get your now-ex to love you.

I stand by my earlier opinion of not dating for awhile and spending time reading, learning and getting to know exactly who you are and becoming comfortable in your own skin and being real. 

I've often taken breaks from dating after a significant relationship ended.   Significant in my mind anyway.  Many people do.

And doing so has been quite beneficial and when I'm ready I begin dating again with a fresh outlook and attutude. 

I've introspected and learned things that were extremely valuable and benefited me as I continued my journey.

 

 

Yes. I see that side of things. And I have a more practical perspective unless she has $$$ to freeze her eggs and also trusts in that procedure. Or is totally willing to adopt. She’s 32. All else equal it’s better to start trying to conceive by or before age 35. Given that reality - unless she changes her mind about being a mom and the range of options for being a mom - I’d do my very best to multitask and be hyper aware of bad habits. You weren’t burdened with a ticking clock when you took breaks. It’s … a really really hard burden. Understatement.  I did take sort of a short break when I was 38 in the sense that I decided I simply wasn’t the right person to find a good and healthy marriage. I was exasperated with myself. That lasted a relatively short time. Ironically a man I’d dated for a few months in the last few years popped up and emailed me - let’s try again and this time let’s see if we should get married”. I knew he wasn’t for me. Maybe we met once or twice but I didn’t lead him on. He did eventually meet his wife. He said he went out with 400 women mostly through on line.
Anyway I finally ended a 7 year on and off again relationship and that helped me a lot as far as feeling again like I wanted to marry and try for a baby and that I was worthy of these amazing gifts and blessings. 

I did get in my own way. And for me personally a break would have either been neutral or made it worse.
If Alex didn’t want kids or was 20 something I’d be far more on board with if. Much easier if you want kids to find men to date when they don’t think they’ve gotta hurry up and knock up their special lady because of the clock. 32 is perfect for that. 

[boltnrun]

Alex, do you try to force relationships with "fixer-uppers" or men who don't meet your very basic qualifications because you believe a man who does have those qualities and who has his ish together wouldn't be interested in dating you?

[rainbowsandroses]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

All else equal it’s better to start trying to conceive by or before age 35. 

That's three years away.  She can take a year and work on herself, get to know herself and other things mentioned.

I understand your perspective about having a child but I do not think it's wise to date or enter into a relationship for this purpose.  

It causes one to make all sorts of bad decisions with respect to the men you date and eventually choose as a boyfriend/husband. 

The thinking being, he's a man, he has sperm, he can give me a child, he's IN!   I know you didn't think this way Bat, but I know many women who do.  

It sounds very desperate to me, which is not a good reason to date/have a relationship imo.

Get to know yourself, love yourself, become confident and comfortable with who you are, find a man who meets your standards and with whom there is a mutual attraction, date to be sure you're compatible for a LTR/marriage and then think about having a child with him.

I think this is the best course of action even when there's a ticking clock, which there really isn't in this case.

Alex still has many years to conceive and have a baby if that's what she ultimately chooses to want, which after taking time for herself she may not.

[boltnrun]

Also, egg freezing is likely out of her price range, so to speak. I know for me it would have been completely unattainable financially. 

Alex, you have all the tools to get you where you want to be except for your all fired hurry to "get" a boyfriend/fiance regardless of how unsuitable he may be. If you can take a minute to really vet your dates instead of "it's been two dates, I want to be exclusive!! I'm going to ask him today. Sure, he has cancelled on me several times in favor of hanging out with his friends but he texts me all the time! Besides, I'm 32 and all my friends are married." I think you could be a lot more successful.

It would make more sense to date for a while to find the right one instead of having a series of short relationships that inevitably end because you chose to ignore  what the guy was clearly showing you.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That's three years away.  She can take a year and work on herself, get to know herself and other things mentioned.

I understand your perspective about having a child but I do not think it's wise to date or enter into a relationship for this purpose.  

It causes one to make all sorts of bad decisions with respect to the men you date and eventually choose as a boyfriend/husband. 

The thinking being, he's a man, he has sperm, he can give me a child, he's IN!   I know you didn't think this way Bat, but I know many women who do.  

It sounds very desperate to me, which is not a good reason to date/have a relationship imo.

Get to know yourself, love yourself, become confident and comfortable with who you are, find a man who meets your standards and with whom there is a mutual attraction, date to be sure you're compatible for a LTR/marriage and then think about having a child with him.

I think this is the best course of action even when there's a ticking clock, which there really isn't in this case.

Alex still has many years to conceive and have a baby if that's what she ultimately chooses to want, which after taking time for herself she may not.

I’d never ever advise anyone to enter a relationship to have a child or settle!! So awful and unfair for the child. I’ve written that many times. OMG.  I simply disagree that she should take a break from dating because for one thing time is not on her side. I’m quite upset that you’d read it that way. What an awful reason to be with a person and create a child under those circumstances.  I believe in her situation she can get to know herself - and I’m not a fan of thinking of that in the abstract - and date and meet people to date at the same time. 
She doesn’t have many years because she wants to create a biological child with a husband in a loving marriage. I was just so so lucky that I was able to conceive at almost 42 years old after about a year of trying. No intervention. Atypical.
 

 My math :  about two years or so from meeting to marriage. If you don’t want to try right away that’s like another year. After 35 it can take longer to conceive. If she takes a year off and doesn’t try to date till 33 that means even if she meets someone right away she’s not trying to conceive till age 36 or so.

And that’s the earliest. Not too late but again that’s if she take your suggestion and takes a year off. After age 35 it’s considered high risk.
Many women like me have healthy babies after. It’s so very emotionally stressful and her husband will have to be on board with the higher risk of needing intervention. 
I could have afforded egg freezing when u asked at age 32. It wasn’t viable yet in 1998. 

I have no idea if I loved myself when I was serious minded about finding a good match. I know at times I didn’t.  I think the focus shouldn’t be on some abstract “loving myself”. I think it’s much more important to have a basic sense of one’s goals values and boundaries. To know your worth in very specific ways. To know when boundaries are crossed you’re willing to express that and walk away if needed.
 

To treat your body and mind in a generally healthful and respectful way. To be able to cut oneself slack and also give a pep talk and push oneself and show grit when needed. 

I don’t care if that is “self love” or “self care “ as I think often that comes too close to contemplating one’s navel instead of being out there contributing to the community or the world or your neighbor or your own well being by breathing in fresh air and noticing fall foliage. I think men and women who are reasonably healthy like to be around people who have a balanced perspective on their inner and outer world. Who can laugh at themselves especially if they resort too much to psycho babble lol.

I had a meaningful conversation about Fantasy Island, Pretty Woman and Columbo last night with my husband after a really dumb disagreement about our son’s oral hygiene habits. Thank goodness I wasn’t stuck in my own head thinking about whether I’d done enough self love or self care or whether I needed to love myself well and not back down in the face of potential tooth decay.
 

This is what I mean - the OP can navigate life and dating and learn from a variety of situations and not miss out on Columbo reruns with its bounty of fascinating conversation topics. It’s not a bad way to live even if I can’t tell you if I love myself or have a true sense of what it means other than another catchy phrase trotted out yet again on social media and seen as an obstacle to being out there dating. With rare exception. Which I don’t think applies here at all 

[Sindy_0311]

Let me chime in… I don’t think taking time out from dating will help @Alex39. In that regard I agree with @Batya33. She already spent 4 years alone, and ended up with a “jerk” as we conveyed he was…  I truly think that time alone doesn’t heal or make you progress. I’m a farm believer that only experience help you grow. Therefore I suggest she keeps going on dates, meeting guys and implement the lessons she learnt. In my opinion, she accepted this relationship because she still lacks experience or discernment, and this is something you gain by interacting with people, and surely not by hiding in a cave…

If you go on interacting with guys, you will refine your standards more and more until you meet the one that meets them… Again JMO… 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Let me chime in… I don’t think taking time out from dating will help @Alex39. In that regard I agree with @Batya33. She already spent 4 years alone, and ended up with a “jerk” as we conveyed he was…  I truly think that time alone doesn’t heal or make you progress. I’m a farm believer that only experience help you grow. Therefore I suggest she keeps going on dates, meeting guys and implement the lessons she learnt. In my opinion, she accepted this relationship because she still lacks experience or discernment, and this is something you gain by interacting with people, and surely not by hiding in a cave…

If you go on interacting with guys, you will refine your standards more and more until you meet the one that meets them… Again JMO… 

Not saying it works like this for everyone. To a T that is exactly how it worked for me and how I became the right person to find the right person. 

[boltnrun]

Alex, I also don't agree with taking a "break" from dating.  You did for 4 years and all that did was reinforce your existing mindset.  It doesn't seem like you changed your approach at all (based on the threads you posted under your previous user name, where you got "very excited" over every guy who messaged you on the dating app regardless of his qualifications or if he was right for you).

I think "on the job training" so to speak would be a good approach.  Hopefully you can learn to contain your excitement whenever some guy sends you a message and you stop trying to hope that men who are clearly not right for you will magically turn into husband material.

[Tinydance]

I just wanted to add that I'm not sure why you still keep talking about that guy who is your work colleague's son. You keep talking about him as if there's some kind of potential there for him to be your boyfriend and the only thing getting in the way is that he doesn't have his life together. I actually got the impression from all your posts that this guy likes you only as a friend. As far as I understood, he himself never said that the only reason he's not asking you out is because he's trying to get more successful in life and his career. I think this is just something that you're telling yourself because you seem convinced that this guy wants to date you. 

I remember you saying that you actually tried to ask him out a couple of times like to watch movies at your place and he didn't actually come over. I don't think a man could message a woman a lot and do nothing romantic at all if he actually likes her. The reason why I think he feels fine to chat a lot without anything romantic is because he sees you as a friend, a buddy. He also moved many states away so he's not even in your area. If he was really into you why would he move so far from you?

Also you always say that you're always helping people and doing all these things for people. But you say it like you're boasting or you deserve some kind of special treatment or gratitude for it. Like, you said you helped that ex military guy get a new job and he got that job because of you. You are always mentioning that you're helping people and to me it just sounds like you always want to be praised for it. 

For one thing I think helping people should actually be selfless. So there's not really any need to always keep mentioning that you're helping people. But also you shouldn't expect any special treatment from friends etc. just because you chose to help them out. I think there's no need to go above and beyond with helping all the time either. As you said, that might make you come across as a doormat and that's not necessarily a good thing.

[Batya33]

I don’t think helping others is ever entirely selfless with some exceptions. I know I feel good about myself so that is not a selfless reaction. Sometimes I’m motivated by reciprocity.  That person was there for me so I feel I should help when asked. Did that just the other day with two types of donations I rarely make. 
But I think it should be mostly selfless and to me the highest form is doing for someone else to help that person and that person won’t know you are the helper. Like leaving a care package at the door of a grieving family with no note.  
I think Alex is trying to convince herself she’s over the top as far as a potentially great spouse. But the truth is most people who are looking for a good match don’t want over the top. They want compatibility.  Thats different. 

[Tinydance]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t think helping others is ever entirely selfless with some exceptions. I know I feel good about myself so that is not a selfless reaction. Sometimes I’m motivated by reciprocity.  That person was there for me so I feel I should help when asked. Did that just the other day with two types of donations I rarely make. 
But I think it should be mostly selfless and to me the highest form is doing for someone else to help that person and that person won’t know you are the helper. Like leaving a care package at the door of a grieving family with no note.  
I think Alex is trying to convince herself she’s over the top as far as a potentially great spouse. But the truth is most people who are looking for a good match don’t want over the top. They want compatibility.  Thats different. 

Yes

[Batya33]

Alex and please don’t tell yourself it’s because I’m married so I can be complacent. Our thanksgiving was planned last minute after deciding not to go away. Neither did we wish to spend $50 plus per person for a meh restaurant meal. 
For the 3 of us the extent of my “cooking “ was baked sweet potatoes and stove top stuffing. Yes from the box. I bought really good fried chicken and mixed together cranberry sauce and pineapple chunks. Steamed brussel sprouts and rice pilaf from a microwaveable pouch. My husband and son cleared off our “computer table “ and I did paper plates. And let my son have the soda he enjoys. And store bought chocolate cake.  ala mode with the store brand ice cream. 
We talked about what we are thankful for. We said some prayers. After we walked down the block to the park for the first time Ive accompanied them for my son’s newish interest in whiffle ball.

It was perfect for our little family. No decor to speak of and -gasp - no Turkey (husband is not a huge fan and - no I wasn’t going to roast one)

I promise you - and my husband has been to many many fancy meals at extremely expensive restaurants as have I and my son to some extent. And he’s enjoyed amazing home cooked meals. If I’d done this on our early dates he’d have been just as pleased. We enjoyed our meal, enjoyed being together and my son was delighted to play whiffle ball with us.  So please don’t  think your pretty home and awesome cooking is necessary to land a good man. It’s great you can and great you enjoy but- doesn’t make you a better catch. 

[Jaunty]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 You weren’t burdened with a ticking clock when you took breaks. It’s … a really really hard burden. Understatement.

But, clearly you were a person who was absolutely capable of assessing a man and / or a relationship you were involved with / in for their realistic potential to provide you with what you were looking for.  On top of that, you knew without any doubt what you were looking for.  

@Alex39 does not know how, or maybe is unwilling, to look at things without all the chosen filters in place.   We've all been along for the experience that she's had with this guy.  The descriptions of the man she hopes to be with are, as you (I think it was you) said, "generic."  Literally like straight from the pages of the most trite type of "women's magazine" imaginable.   Generic ideas like those are very easy to just slap on any blank page that shows up.  Which is exactly what happened with the last guy.

I don't think that @Alex39 will be able to go about dating in a healthy, intentional way until some deep introspective work has taken place.

Sadly, lots of people who dearly wish to have children are not going to have that desire come to fruition.  There are many reasons why it happens and not being in the right place emotionally or mentally during those years of a lifetime can be a big one.  

 

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Like, you said you helped that ex military guy get a new job and he got that job because of you.

The actual words used were:  He owes his job to me. I helped him.

That actually jumped out and slammed me in the face.  I mean ... who says or, more importantly, thinks that way?  He OWES his job to ME.  

Problematic. 

[boltnrun]

Choosing to help people doesn't mean they "owe" you a relationship. Or a marriage. Or getting their life in order so they can date you.

Doing things for others and going to extremes to be "kind and nice" doesn't make them fall in love with you. It actually makes it seem like you're trying to "buy" their love. When people feel beholden to someone it's hard to get past that. 

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Therefore I suggest she keeps going on dates, meeting guys and implement the lessons she learnt. In my opinion, she accepted this relationship because she still lacks experience or discernment, and this is something you gain by interacting with people, and surely not by hiding in a cave…

I think its an interesting discussion. For example I dont believe Alex taking any guy as a potential boyfriend will change if she gets back out there. The hypothesis is that she will learn from her mistakes moving forward. But the first thing she did was to pine over some guy that maybe doesnt want to be with her at all and that isnt up to her standards at all. Ive seen it happening IRL. And people dont really learn anything. None of them adjusts their standards. Or even wonders if they should. They believe they deserve "X". But they always fall to the same archetype they did before. Messy people have an uncanny ability to find other messy people. So dont believe that her dating further will change that.

On the other hand, yes, her sitting at home wouldnt do a thing. So yes, she would need to at least try. Even if it makes her hit her head against the wall couple of more times. Alternative is sitting at home and try to "better herself" so she could have more healthy approach to dating. But she did that for 4 years and it didnt do anything. Her being out there would at least be trying to date. Even if it doesnt bring expected results.

[kim42]

I think Alex should continue going on dates but she should be more picky and not waste time with men who don't make effort to see her, or just want to text forever without meeting up. 

[Sindy_0311]

I was thinking about my ex husband and his new girl yesterday. She agreed to move in a new apartment with him after only 2 month of relationship, and this is something I just can’t understand. For having dated guys, I know that after a few month, things change, you realize who is the person you have in front of you. This happens after the infatuation stage of a new relationship which is often caused by stress and has in fact nothing to do with real feelings. 

My ex husband conveyed to me at that time that he kinda liked her and that it was convenient (bigger appartement, a nanny for his son, he can spare money…) Now here they are after 7month, already living together. She is controlling, extreme jealous, they fight etc… they already have issues because they rushed it… to bad… (especially for my son) 

My point is, I would never move in with a guy after 2 month because I have boundaries and need time to trust someone… if they want to be part of my life, they have to earn it, by action and consistency through time. So Alex please, don’t give guys so much from the start… be skeptical. Always. Protect your heart. 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/25/2023 at 5:58 PM, Alex39 said:

. I own a home and thrive on fixing if up and have strong vision for the future of the home

Try to rethink things and be more flexible. It's nice you have your own place but you seem to be somewhat rigid about it.

You seem to want someone who fits in your life your way on your terms more like installing a Ken doll in your Barbie house.  Someone who'll move in and play insta-husband doing yardwork and helping pay bills, eating your homemade meals, etc. 

Have you considered that if you do meet someone, eventually you may have to move? Perhaps this is why the last guy was appealing. Broke, needed a decent place to stay, helped you around the house with honey-do stuff.