My boyfriend broke up with me

[boltnrun]

Alex, I hope you don't hide this thread because you feel beat up on. But you've been posting on here for YEARS (under your current user name and your previous one) and it's been the same story. You clearly have been grasping at any man who messages you, you tell yourself you "love" him to justify accepting poor treatment, then when it ends you act surprised and hurt. When everyone could see it coming.

It's sad to see such a nice woman go through this over and over. But you haven't been learning from your experiences. You keep doing the same thing, hoping THIS time the low level guy you're trying to hang onto will stick around. But when you dredge the bottom of the barrel you're going to find some sludge.

He doesn't seem like a terrible person. He just doesn't have his relationship with you as a priority. He showed that clearly from the very beginning (remember when he kept cancelling on you??).

Please, this time, really think about what you're doing and whether or not your methods have been getting you want you want. If you aren't really ready for marriage and babies then continue casually dating, but stop trying to act as though it's going to last. But if you do want a husband and children it's imperative you change your methods. 

As for Wednesday...give him whatever things are his and wish him well. Tell him (only if he asks) that being "friends" doesn't work for you. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

What do I say to him Wednesday?

I would not let him come take his stuff on Wednesday. Just tell him you won’t be available. I never understood this “taking stuff back” thing… if it’s a computer or something worth money, ok. But does he need his toothbrush and pyjamas back right now? Just send him back his stuff in a few days. This is just an excuse for people to keep in touch after a breakup. Also have to mention that I never let anything of value to a men’s house, unless it’s something serious, like after one year or so… 

sorry this all happens to you. I agree with all that’s been said here by others. Indeed; It’s your fault because you allowed this person in your life…

you better learn a lesson and stop complaining about others treating you bad. 
Would you adopt an agressive dog and complaint about him being agressive? Would you hire a unqualified coworker and complaint about him being unqualified? I guess not… you have to test and learn about people before letting them enter in your life… would you have cut him off after seeing the first huge red flags, you wouldn’t be heartbroken now. And maybe you would have met a really great guy instead of engaging with a time waster. 

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Alex, I hope you don't hide this thread because you feel best up on. But you've been posting in here for YEARS (under your current user name and your previous one) and it's been the same story. You clearly have been grasping at any man who messages you, you tell yourself you "love" him to justify accepting poor treatment, then when it ends you act surprised and hurt. When everyone could see it coming.

It's sad to see such a nice woman go through this over and over. But you haven't been learning from your experiences. You keep doing the same thing, hoping THIS time the lie level guy you're trying to hang into will stick around. And when you dredge the bottom of the barrel you're going to find some sludge.

He doesn't seem like a terrible person. He just doesn't have his relationship with you as a priority. He showed that clearly from the very beginning (remember when he kept cancelling on you??).

Please, this time, really think about what you're doing and whether or not your methods have been getting you want you want. If you aren't really ready for marriage and babies then continue casually dating, but stop trying to act as though it's going to last. But if you do want a husband and children it's imperative you change your methods. 

So much valuable wisdom from everyone on this thread and others.   

Alex, I really do hope you spend some time introspecting about ALL of it.   Like from the very beginning when he flaked on you SO many times and you kept returning for more.  I recall feeling a little embarrassed for you tbh.  

I'd love to know your thought process about accepting such deplorable and disrespectful treatment, I never could quite understand it.

In retrospect, was there anything you would have done differently if you could start all over again with the same man, same treatment? 

Choose wisely from the getgo and avoid disappointment and heartbreak later.  

 

[Sindy_0311]

Oh and one more thing, if a man says he wants to be friends after a breakup, it means either he wants to make things easier for you or that he still wants access to some of your benefits, you know which ones. A man who is genuinely in love with you won’t want to be friends with you after loosing you. JMO 

[Jaunty]

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

And maybe you would have met a really great guy instead of engaging with a time waster. 

One thing is not debatable:  This guy was very consistent from day 1.   There was no question that he ultimately was either going to fade away or break it off.   

@Alex39 - For future reference, when any guy disinvites you, cancels, or changes plans to exclude you, that's your cue to back off.  Way off.   Stop reaching out.  A passive and / or lazy person (this fellow seems to have covered all of that territory) is thinking that they will get out of any type of entanglement by this behavior.   A person who really wanted to be with you would make sure that they would get that time together by making the alternative plans immediately.   

You picked up ALL of that slack.   I guess that is you being "sweet," nice and understanding.  But you need to leave the ball firmly in their court when someone does that.  It's not playing games - it's self respect.  It's also showing respect to the other person.  You have "heard" them and you are giving them a chance to make a move, or to move on.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Oh and one more thing, if a man says he wants to be friends after a breakup, it means either he wants to make things easier for you or that he still wants access to some of your benefits, you know which ones. A man who is genuinely in love with you won’t want to be friends with you after loosing you. JMO 

I doubt he wants sex, he didn't want sex with Alex while IN the relationship with her, why would he want it now?  

She said they had not had sex in a month, in fact sex or the lack thereof was always an issue in some form or fashion from the very beginning.

Another huge red flag that went ignored. 

[Jaunty]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I doubt he wants sex

It's things like pet sitting, baked goods, and probably also the way she doted on him is an ego boost.  

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

It's things like pet sitting, baked goods, and probably also the way she doted on him is an ego boost.  

Oh "those" benefits... OK.  :)

 

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Oh "those" benefits... OK.  🙂

 

Yes but maybe even sex. After a few weeks, he will feel lonely one night, he will reach out and try. I wouldn’t be surprised he suggest a FWB relationship… 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I think I thought if I acted and gave and opened my heart that it would be reciprocated. I've had guys complain in the past that I was closed off and guarded. 

Why would you assume reciprocation for "opening your heart?" - when two people want to be together they open up to each other over time.  Not in some formulaic way -"If i do x and y and z and shower him with love/support/pet sitting and don't hold back on expressing all my feels - he will want to do the same because he is a man and other men told me I was closed off and guarded ergo I will change for this man.  

You won't have to be this strategic when it's right.

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Why would you assume reciprocation for "opening your heart?" - when two people want to be together they open up to each other over time.  Not in some formulaic way -"If i do x and y and z and shower him with love/support/pet sitting and don't hold back on expressing all my feels - he will want to do the same because he is a man and other men told me I was closed off and guarded ergo I will change for this man.  

 

True.  

The fact is that we need to be "open" when we are looking for love, but it absolutely does not assure us of falling in love or achieving a relationship.   It simply puts us in a space where such a thing could be possible.  

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Oh and one more thing, if a man says he wants to be friends after a breakup, it means either he wants to make things easier for you or that he still wants access to some of your benefits, you know which ones. A man who is genuinely in love with you won’t want to be friends with you after loosing you. JMO 

Also Alex if you ever want to get back out there and find someone being friends with him will sabotage and undermine that in multiple ways.

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Alex, I hope you don't hide this thread because you feel beat up on. But you've been posting on here for YEARS (under your current user name and your previous one) and it's been the same story. You clearly have been grasping at any man who messages you, you tell yourself you "love" him to justify accepting poor treatment, then when it ends you act surprised and hurt. When everyone could see it coming.

It's sad to see such a nice woman go through this over and over. But you haven't been learning from your experiences. You keep doing the same thing, hoping THIS time the low level guy you're trying to hang onto will stick around. But when you dredge the bottom of the barrel you're going to find some sludge.

He doesn't seem like a terrible person. He just doesn't have his relationship with you as a priority. He showed that clearly from the very beginning (remember when he kept cancelling on you??).

Please, this time, really think about what you're doing and whether or not your methods have been getting you want you want. If you aren't really ready for marriage and babies then continue casually dating, but stop trying to act as though it's going to last. But if you do want a husband and children it's imperative you change your methods. 

As for Wednesday...give him whatever things are his and wish him well. Tell him (only if he asks) that being "friends" doesn't work for you. 

Thanks. I do see what you are saying. My parents say it too. I feel kind of dumb. Like I am easily bamboozled and I'm blind. I don't see myself changing because I don't honestly see it until it's too late. 

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

What do I say to him Wednesday?

I feel that your plea to him:  You "reminded" him that he left stuff at your house - might be a desperate measure on your part to get him reeled back in.  

If he comes over to get his stuff, there is a chance you will be able to get him back on board for this very lackluster relationship where you do all the work and sit around waiting for him to have enough spare time and no better offers.

We all know he's very lazy, passive and weak, so you might be able to "get him back," whatever that is worth to you. 

I truly hope you are ready to face the reality of what you've been settling for and stop the romantic fluffy narrative you've been filtering everything through.

I doubt there is anything at your house that he badly needs.   

It would be good for this to come to a close.  

[Batya33]

Just now, Alex39 said:

Thanks. I do see what you are saying. My parents say it too. I feel kind of dumb. Like I am easily bamboozled and I'm blind. I don't see myself changing because I don't honestly see it until it's too late. 

You wrote about seeing it.  From the beginning.  You then chose to justify/rationalize the flakiness  -you lied to yourself, etc.  You saw it and chose to stay because you're on a mission to find a husband - and are willing to settle for scraps for anyone who sticks around even minimally.

[Jaunty]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Thanks. I do see what you are saying. My parents say it too. I feel kind of dumb. Like I am easily bamboozled and I'm blind. I don't see myself changing because I don't honestly see it until it's too late. 

Alex - please be real.  You posted quite frankly about all the cancelling and disinterest he showed towards you starting at the very beginning.  All your threads are full of you sharing that sad stuff, and the rest of us telling you to please please have some self respect and stop begging for breadcrumbs and then acting like that was just lovely.  

You can't really claim that you were "bamboozled" because the guy hardly even tried.  You drove the whole thing on your own.  You bamboozled YOURSELF.

There are - or, should I say, were - pages upon pages of this.  

You participated in the conversations.  

So how, and why, are you now claiming that you couldn't see it?

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Thanks. I do see what you are saying. My parents say it too. I feel kind of dumb. Like I am easily bamboozled and I'm blind. I don't see myself changing because I don't honestly see it until it's too late. 

Sorry, but no, that is not what I'm saying.

I presume you're fairly highly intelligent because you keep deliberately side-stepping the point I made. It's not about you being "easily bamboozled". It's that you're so very desperate to find some human male you can call "boyfriend" you'll accept anything (or nothing, in this case) and even behave in a "kind and nice" manner toward someone who treats you dismissively because you want a boyfriend so badly. And THAT is my point. 

But you know that. You're avoiding the topic on purpose. I can't imagine why, because it's the key to why you haven't found a long term relationship. 

Maybe you are more comfortable with your cats and your baking. No, I'm not making fun of you. I live alone and enjoy gardening and I had a cat for 14 years so I'm not that much different. But if I truly wanted to find a lifelong true love relationship? I would make different choices. 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. I feel kind of dumb. Like I am easily bamboozled and I'm blind.

It doesn't seem like you're dumb or easily bamboozled at all. It seems more like you were on a mission to find a BF/husband and simply settled on this. 

However he was like this from the beginning:

 

[Sindy_0311]

45 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Thanks. I do see what you are saying. My parents say it too. I feel kind of dumb. Like I am easily bamboozled and I'm blind. I don't see myself changing because I don't honestly see it until it's too late. 

I think you just lack experience in dating. See, 20 years ago (when I was 20) we didn’t have so many dating apps, we would meet in real life and there wasn’t so much of “competition” it was easier. But things change and when I divorced two years ago, after a 10 years relationship I didn’t realize it would be so complicated to find someone. I started to engage with guys without even seeing the red flags because I had no experience. But after having interacted with so many different men in two years, I developed a competence in reading guys intentions, and I’m still learning. It’s not easy and you cannot pretend it’s just because you are blind. You don’t see red flags because you didn’t learn how to date guys… 

Try to give yourself some time to interact with new men, meet them, enjoy the dates and develop your judgment about men. Read articles, listen to dating coach podcasts (especially the ones who teach you how to spot red flags early on) Do it as an experiment, as self improvement. This is my advice. 

You are not dumb, you just need more experience, in my opinion. You are only 32, you will find your mister right… but not now 😉

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

It’s not easy and you cannot pretend it’s just because you are blind. You don’t see red flags because you didn’t learn how to date guys… 

I disagree in this situation from all I've read as to how she chose to react to how he treated her from the beginning.  

[Lambert]

I'm sorry Alex. I'm sure you're hurting. It does no matter what. 

Based on what you wrote in this post, things were crappy for a while now. So ending it is more of a gain, than a loss. 

You are not required to be the person you were.  Meaning, yes you made some mistakes.  You seem to think if you can just stick it out with a guy, regardless, it will be true love at some point. Wrong!

The person you need to love and value is yourself.  Raise your standards... when a guy starts canceling, you take away the option of seeing you. 

If you have to ask, do you want a relationship with me? assume the answer is no. 

Don't wait to change.  You can change right now.  you know how?

You asked what to say on Wednesday.

Nothing.  You don't initiate or coordinate any plans for him to get his crap.

You put all his crap in a garbage bag and you put out of your sight. where?  who cares! throw it out or leave it on his car or porch in the middle of the night.  lol. 

You ignore his calls or any attempts he makes to get the stuff.

Stop kidding yourself (sorry!) He probably won't even ask for it. And who cares if he does. His crap is not your problem

A new Alex is born when you decide to start acting like a person with a backbone. Don't be sad. be mad at him and never talk to him again.  

Stop being passive aggressive about people that either hurt you or you don't like.  You're betraying yourself and that's why your self esteem is in the gutter. 

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I disagree in this situation from all I've read as to how she chose to react to how he treated her from the beginning.  

the question is: next time she meets a guy, will she allow same behavior from his part? This is what I mean by experience… but I don’t know OP’s past, (outside the fact that she has been single for 4 years and hurt in the past) So it’s just assumption that it’s because of lack of experience…

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

the question is: next time she meets a guy, will she allow same behavior from his part? This is what I mean by experience… but I don’t know OP’s past, (outside the fact that she has been single for 4 years and hurt in the past) So it’s just assumption that it’s because of lack of experience…

Yes but not because he is a man or she lacks experience dating men.  Because she is desperate to get married and settles for scraps.  I've been there.

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I've been there.

You’ve been there but at the end you didn’t settle for scraps, that I know. 
Why not? 

[rainbowsandroses]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I disagree in this situation from all I've read as to how she chose to react to how he treated her from the beginning.  

Agree.   Alex has dated plenty of guys, she's been posting about various guys she's dated for 10+ years.   She's even  lived with a couple of them.

She knows how to spot red flags etc, she's not new to this scene.  

She chooses to not see them or if she does to ignore them.  I hope this doesn't sound too mean, not my intention, but it's called delusional thinking and extremely unhealthy. 

BTDT myself many moons ago, I called it living in Never-Never Land. 

I learned from it.