My boyfriend broke up with me

[Kwothe28]

52 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Maybe I was too harsh and cold to him?

Wrong. Too lenient. He broke up with you. He doesnt get to dictate when he can come or not. Pack his stuff, say that if he doesnt pick it up in a week you are donating them to homeless people and that is about it. Stand up for yourself. Because as you can see he still expects you to be lovely-dubly about his work. Even though he dumped you. He, and everybody else, need to know they cant walk over you. You will respect yourself more after that, trust me.

[boltnrun]

Alex, this is why I strongly recommended you look into codependency.

You seem to think if you don't bend over backwards and do everything someone wants, and if you stand up for yourself no one will love you. You fear being left alone and unloved. This has been instilled in you by your mother, who tells you if you don't spend all your free time with her and don't follow her advice and directives that means you don't love her and as a result, SHE won't love YOU. This is classic codependency.

No, what will happen if you stop being overly accommodating and stand up for yourself is the users, flakes and transactional actors will drop away and you'll be left with those who sincerely love and respect you. And isn't that what you want?

Your methods haven't worked because you choose poorly (your one and only criteria for a boyfriend is he agrees to be one) and because you lose yourself and focus solely on trying to "keep" a guy by accepting poor treatment and being overly accommodating. 

Generally these deep seeded patterns don't just go away on their own. Your fear of being unloved is deeply rooted and may require you to enlist the help of a professional.

And look into CODA meetings. Hearing other people's experiences can be eye-opening. 

[catfeeder]

Alex, why bother with him anymore? He broke up with you. Do you hold some fantasy of using his stuff to get him there so you can ‘arrange’ for him to keep pretending to be your boyfriend?

You say, how about we put off breaking up and see one another Saturday? He says okay, but I need to work all afternoon, so why don’t you come and pet sit, then he calls from work and says he has to meet some friends…

At what point do you recognize what a waste of your time this guy is? Just put his stuff in a box and tell him it’s on your porch, so he can either collect it or let some porch thief take it, but you’re done?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 I say " I'm confused, just clarifying, are we meeting up tonight or tomorrow?" And he says "I cannot tonight"  And I say "tomorrow at 7?" He says "sure"

Unfortunately he's as flaky as always even when it comes to this. Put his stuff in a bag and set it aside. If he shows up to get it fine, if not don't be surprised. It was your suggestion for him to come and get it. 

Unless it's taking up space, it's no big deal to put it aside in a bag. Ultimatums about throwing it out, giving it away, etc. may seem desperate or manipulative,  like a plea to get him over there.

So just bag it and forget it until he comes and gets it. Try to practice indifference, even though you're hurt and upset. 

[Alex39]

I still had feelings for him. I missed him. But him bailing on me today is exactly why we are broken up. He doesn't respect me or my time. He could careless. I'm non-existent on his priority list. It's disgusting behavior. 

And unless I reached out, I don't think he would have even told me he wasn't coming tonight. That's repulsive. So rude. I'm angry. I'm such a nice and good person. He doesn't deserve one smile from me. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I still had feelings for him. I missed him. But him bailing on me today is exactly why we are broken up. He doesn't respect me or my time. He could careless. I'm non-existent on his priority list. It's disgusting behavior. 

And unless I reached out, I don't think he would have even told me he wasn't coming tonight. That's repulsive. So rude. I'm angry. I'm such a nice and good person. He doesn't deserve one smile from me. 

This really makes no sense.  He bailed on getting his stuff.  You're broken up because you asked to be treated as per your standards and he chose not to and chose instead to walk away completely. Today is an example of being unreliable but it's not personal.  He is in financial trouble right -probably because of behavior like this -he gets in his own way by flaking out and then he loses out on opportunities to either save money or make more money, etc.

It was rude of him to keep you hanging about getting his stuff but -in contrast to him bailing on a date -this is simply for a business transaction.  Treat is as one -like all the others on this thread said better than I could.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 him bailing on me today is exactly why we are broken up. He doesn't respect me or my time. I'm non-existent on his priority list. It's disgusting behavior. 

Your instincts are kicking in that he isn't BF material and you need to free yourself for a better type of man. He's just doing the slow fade which given his track record, is par for the course. 

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I still had feelings for him. I missed him. But him bailing on me today is exactly why we are broken up. He doesn't respect me or my time. He could careless. I'm non-existent on his priority list. It's disgusting behavior. 

And unless I reached out, I don't think he would have even told me he wasn't coming tonight. That's repulsive. So rude. I'm angry. I'm such a nice and good person. He doesn't deserve one smile from me. 

I agree, it's insulting and humiliating. 

Alex, please don't give him any more opportunities to insult you like this.  This "person" is a joke, don't ever take anything he says seriously.  Ever again. 

This is the first time I've ever seen you strong and you're reaction here is appropriate -  you're angry!  Which you should be, this jerk is giving you the run around, and again it's insulting, humiliating and embarrassing.

If you must return his stuff, send him a text and tell him the stuff will be outside your door and if he doesn't pick it up by Friday, you're donating it to charity. 

Period, end of.  DO NOT engage with him in any way shape or form.

You lost yourself in this relationship but now you're getting yourself back, be strong and stay strong.  Stop allowing him to jerk you around.

 

[boltnrun]

23 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I still had feelings for him. I missed him. But him bailing on me today is exactly why we are broken up. He doesn't respect me or my time. He could careless. I'm non-existent on his priority list. It's disgusting behavior. 

And unless I reached out, I don't think he would have even told me he wasn't coming tonight. That's repulsive. So rude. I'm angry. I'm such a nice and good person. He doesn't deserve one smile from me. 

I guarantee if you go out of your way to be home after 7:00 pm tomorrow he won't show up.

Please stop twisting yourself into a pretzel and going out of your way to accommodate him in the hopes he'll change his mind. All you'd get is more of this same treatment. 

Box up his belongings (Are you sure these are things he absolutely cannot live without? Is it his laptop, gaming system or cell phone or tablet? Or is it a shirt, a toothbrush and a pair of socks?), text him they're available outside your condo and be done with it. 

Please stop hurting yourself.

[MissCanuck]

What exactly are the belongings he is going to pick up? 

[Sindy_0311]

I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I suggest you take his stuff out on the porch. You send him a last text saying : “your stuff is here until Friday 6pm, if you don’t get it, I’ll throw it in the garbage. This is my last last message as I’ll block you right after sending it” 

And that’s it. You take out his ***, block him, and let him go. 
You deserve a better person Alex, you are kind and loving, and have much to offer to the right one…

Oh, and I read something from a survey today that said that intelligent women tend to stay single longer than average women…

But guess what, maybe it’s just because we don’t accept crap… 😁

As they all said, head high!!! 

[Alex39]

He left some stuff for his pets and his house keys. I think those are pretty important. 

If he bails tomorrow,  I'm throwing it all away and moving on.

I just saw he dis-added me on all social media. Coward. 

What about us being friends, as he said? Friends my butt. 

Either he's totally over it or he's sad and doesn't want to see me posting on social. It was just yesterday I posted a nice selfie of me. Coward. 

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He left some stuff for his pets and his house keys. I think those are pretty important. 

If he bails tomorrow,  I'm throwing it all away and moving on.

I just saw he dis-added me on all social media. Coward. 

What about us being friends, as he said? Friends my butt. 

Either he's totally over it or he's sad and doesn't want to see me posting on social. It was just yesterday I posted a nice selfie of me. Coward. 

He is over, believe me… 

[boltnrun]

Well, he's going to bail tomorrow. And he'll expect you to rearrange your life to accommodate him the next three times he says he'll be over. 

Removing exes from social media is pretty standard. It doesn't mean anything other than he has decided to end the relationship and move on. It's actually a healthy thing to do. 

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Either he's totally over it or he's sad and doesn't want to see me posting on social. It was just yesterday I posted a nice selfie of me. Coward. 

The bolded would assume he gives a crap.  Which he doesn't.  My guess is he's involved with a new woman and doesn't want her seeing anything about his ex (you) on SM.

Men (like him) don't usually leave one relationship unless they've secured another. 

I'm sorry and don’t say this to be hurtful, but it's important you face the reality that's it's over.    As such, you should move on NOW, not if/when he doesn't show up to get his things.

Jmo but it does no good calling him a "coward" or any other derogatory adjective.  He wasn't interested in pursuing your relationship further.  That's it. 

Spend some time instrospecting about your role in the breakdown, give yourself time to HEAL then get back out there.  

Try something new on, like loving yourself first, and never giving more than you're receiving.

I've posted this before but we were not placed on this earth to be martyrs for men.

That's not loving yourself and it's definitely not how a man will fall in love with you either.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He left some stuff for his pets and his house keys. I think those are pretty important. 

If he bails tomorrow,  I'm throwing it all away and moving on.

I just saw he dis-added me on all social media. 

Sorry, you can not legally dispose of his property especially house keys just because you're hurt and angry. Moving on is a mental and emotional step. Not destroying someone's property. 

Please put it all in a bag and leave it until he gets it. It's that simple. Don't be foolish and don't leave it outside, throw it away or give it away. It's not your property to dispose of. 

Yes it's time to sever social media ties. Please delete and block him as well. You really don't want to see pics of a new GF. 

[Sindy_0311]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't be foolish and don't leave it outside, throw it away or give it away. It's not your property to dispose

Why not? I mean he chose to leave his keys there, he didn’t come pick them up when he said he would do… man, it’s just a key. He can do another sample if he needs to… 

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Why not? I mean he chose to leave his keys there, he didn’t come pick them up when he said he would do… man, it’s just a key. He can do another sample if he needs to… 

I presume he hasn't been locked out of his apartment or out of his car this whole time. I presume he left a spare set behind . I've left apartment keys behind and never felt I must have them back. 

As for pet items, again I presume he hasn't allowed his pets to go hungry or without their treatments all this time. 

He doesn't show, he loses his things. Too bad for him. No sympathy from me. And I doubt the DA will prosecute Alex for throwing out a spare key or some pet food. 

[kim42]

5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Why not? I mean he chose to leave his keys there, he didn’t come pick them up when he said he would do… man, it’s just a key. He can do another sample if he needs to… 

I think because they're in the US it's probably more serious over there than in Europe, she could maybe get in trouble if she just threw away his keys.

[boltnrun]

Just now, kim42 said:

I think because they're in the US it's probably more serious over there than in Europe, she could maybe get in trouble if she just threw away his keys.

Nope, the courts here in the US won't waste time on such a trivial matter. They'll just tell Homeboy to make another copy. 

[kim42]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Nope, the courts here in the US won't waste time on such a trivial matter. They'll just tell Homeboy to make another copy. 

Ok, thank you for explaining!

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Why not? I mean he chose to leave his keys there, he didn’t come pick them up when he said he would do… man, it’s just a key. He can do another sample if he needs to… 

I agree Sindy.  By law, if she sends him a notification (in writing), text, email or letter, that he has until [a particular day] to retrieve his belongings and he does not, his belongings then become her belongings and she can do what she wants with them.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Why not? I mean he chose to leave his keys there, he didn’t come pick them up when he said he would do… man, it’s just a key. He can do another sample if he needs to… 

In the US, she has to inform him in writing that she intends to throw it out after (usually 7-10 days) . It is illegal to destroy someone's property. It's childish.

It's not up to her to decide what is valuable or not or whether he needs his house house key,etc. .  It is easier to place it in a bag and text him that he has until (date) to pick it up. While it might feel like revenge for ending things, it accomplishes nothing. And yes, she is liable for it if it's not handled appropriately. 

[boltnrun]

I've never had anyone notify me in writing or give me a 7-10 day deadline before disposing of anything I left behind and no one was ever prosecuted. Alex's ex would have to go to the police and file a report. Since he didn't ask for his things (Alex brought it up, not him), I don't envision him going to the police station to ask for criminal charges to be filed. And if he did I doubt they'd take any action. His property would have to be above a certain dollar amount and I doubt a key and some pet food would be valued at much more than $100 (if that).

So, in summary, I disagree that she would be risking a criminal charge if she disposed of his property after he chose not to come pick it up. 

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I still had feelings for him. I missed him. But him bailing on me today is exactly why we are broken up. He doesn't respect me or my time. He could careless. I'm non-existent on his priority list. It's disgusting behavior. 

That exchange you posted about him picking up his stuff - it was identical to the ones you have shared about trying to get together with him when you were dating.  I'm glad to hear you've had enough of it.

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

And unless I reached out, I don't think he would have even told me he wasn't coming tonight. That's repulsive. So rude. I'm angry. I'm such a nice and good person. He doesn't deserve one smile from me. 

You're right.  And good that you're mad.  But why not leave out your comments about what a nice and good person you are.  I'm sure that's true but it has nothing to do with your situation and I think you are probably doing yourself wrong by continuing to say how kind, sweet, nice, good you are over and over.  

Why?

Because you really seem to be equating all of those lovely adjectives with being a person who is a doormat - an absolute people-pleaser with no actual traits of your own. A "perfect" girlfriend type, because you have no standards or requirements.   

You need to get a realistic picture of yourself, your TRUE strengths and weaknesses.  And wrap your mind around the FACT that you need to stand up for yourself.  Not try to act perfect, or do your other behavior pattern of extreme passive aggressiveness.  

In reality, you are a person with plenty of flaws, some of which have got you into this mess with a completely inappropriate "boyfriend" situation.  And you have plenty of good traits, probably none of which are being "too sweet" and "too kind."  Taking too much s***?  Definitely.