My boyfriend broke up with me

[boltnrun]

I wouldn't wait around for him. He has shown you clearly who he is; someone who is perfectly happy to spend time with you if it doesn't get in the way of anything else he has going on.

And you aren't wrong for being kind and nice. But that isn't why he broke up with you or why it didn't work out. You are really great at ignoring the number one blaring reason why this keeps happening... because you are not concerned with whether or not a man is right for you as long as he has given you some semblance of attention. That seems your only qualification, that a guy give you a scrap of attention. That doesn't make for a successful, lifelong relationship.

Can you acknowledge this and address it? People who act out of desperation tend to make poor choices. You can do so much better, but you have to decide to. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry and I think he means "I'm not ready for a relationship with you."  The relationship you want with him and to him.  He doesn't want that.

Bat I agree with you, what he meant by "not ready' was "not interested" in having a relationship "with you."   @Alex39.

That said, with a different girl, he may have been ready AND interested. .  A girl who like @Jauntydescribed did not behave like this:  

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

You put a lot of pressure on the relationship because you NEVER stepped back, got busy with your own life and interests, and allowed the space for him to make things happen.  

Alex, you never allowed him the space to move closer to you.  You were always there to fill in the gaps, pick up HIS slack. 

You never required him to act like anything more than a half-assed boyfriend as @Jauntyso eloquently described. And thus, that is exactly what you got. 

Read Esther Perel.  Learn how men fall in love and what causes them to want to commit - to you.  Read and learn, anything and everything you can get your hands on. 

Another great book that Batya33 often recommends is "A Fine Romance" by Dr. Judith Sills.  My late mom gave that to me, it's a timeless masterpiece.

Alex I think you are a beautiful person, but you made a lot of mistakes here.  Please read all responses, in all your threads.  

I'm not judging because I've been there too, some people here know my history but you've got to start seeing things as they "are" not how you wish they could be.  This is the real world, not a Disney fairytale. 

[Alex39]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bat I agree with you, what he meant by "not ready' was "not interested" in having a relationship "with you."   @Alex39.

That said, with a different girl, he may have been ready AND interested. .  A girl who like @Jauntydescribed did not behave like this:  

Alex, you never allowed him the space to move closer to you.  You were always there to fill in the gaps, pick up HIS slack. 

You never required him to act like anything more than a half-assed boyfriend as @Jauntyso eloquently described. 

Resd Esther Perel.  Learn how men fall in love and what causes them to want to commit - to you. 

Alex I think you are a beautiful person, but you made a lot of mistakes here.  Please read all responses, in all your threads.  

I'm not judging because I've been there too, some people here know my history but you've got to start seeing things as they "are" not how you wish they could be.  This is the real world, not a Disney fairytale. 

So I caused him to break my heart. Greatttttt

I love feeling like this is all my fault. 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

So I caused him to break my heart. Greatttttt

I love feeling like this is all my fault. 

It takes two, but yes, you bear some responsibility. We all do.  Of course we do.   We are all responsible for our own lives at the end of the day.

Own it and learn from it! 

Introspect, I always do after every relationship.  I own my part. 

Grow, evolve. That which does not kill you makes you stronger!  I truly believe that.

[Jaunty]

This is going to come off as mean, I fear, but Alex - you have poor self awareness.

You are not "too sweet, too kind and too considerate."  

You have a significant posting history here and the majority of it is devoted to you saying dreadful things about your "friends" and sometimes family members.   Not sweet, not nice.  

Why is this pertinent?  Because you are not being honest and if you can't or won't be honest with yourself, how will you make better choices and behave differently next time?

Also, being sweet and kind, whether you truly are or aren't,  doesn't have anything to do with the reason this situation ran its course the way it has.   

You were passive and pushy simultaneously, and also refused to acknowledge all the things that this guy showed you about who he really is.  You did yourself wrong - but at the same time, you did him wrong, in a sense.  Because you were not dealing with the actual person.  He was not "seen" by you.  He was a placeholder in the "BOYFRIEND" section of your life.  

What do you think about this?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

So I caused him to break my heart. Greatttttt

I love feeling like this is all my fault. 

It’s not. I love helping people too. Helping a partner is a part of a relationship. A part. Not the focus. You were constant asking him how high you should jump for him. Let me guess. You offered to pet sit. Or if he asked you never suggested perhaps he could hire someone for part of the time. 
When my son was 2 and I was a SAHM I put him in the playpen so I could work out for 40 minutes to a videotape.  My husband was home but getting ready to leave and meet a friend for lunch. He’d slept till after 10am. Son loved playpen for that amount of time. I was really sweaty after working out. I asked him if he could stay 15 more minutes so I could shower and take son out of playpen. No he said. But he could have. I knew he could tell this particular friend he’d be there 15 minutes later (at most ). 
he said no. I dealt with being gross and sweaty till he came home. Then I told him politely. I really need the time to work out for aboit a half hour daily and if it’s bad weather I can’t take baby with me in the stroller and power walk. I also need a quick shower after. And sometimes he might need supervision. From that day on my husband accommodated my “need” to exercise in those rare instances I needed coverage. Even now 12 years later he doesn’t complain thst I wake up crazy early to go downstairs to the fitness room and work out even if it wakes him briefly.

He gets it because I voiced what I needed. It doesn’t help him.  It helps me. And I own that. It’s important for your partner to see you helping yourself and taking care of yourself instead of being some force of nature SuperNurturer. Even if it makes you happy to be that way and be such a people pleaser it actually rubs some people the wrong way. It’s too much or it’s too overeager. Those are not your people.

But please know if you have a partner where your role is the constant nurturer the recipient who wants that constant nurturing might not be a stand up responsible mature person for a serious relationship or marriage.
Many people love to show their partner how resilient and independent they are. You take a lot of that away by jumping in and being Mommy. 

[Jaunty]

8 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

So I caused him to break my heart. Greatttttt

I love feeling like this is all my fault. 

Well ... your choice to keep on with this "he's my boyfriend and we are in love" narrative, though he was very upfront about where you stood in his priorities from the beginning,  is absolutely on you.   

You had all the information you needed to not be where you are today.

 

[Alex39]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It’s not. I love helping people too. Helping a partner is a part of a relationship. A part. Not the focus. You were constant asking him how high you should jump for him. Let me guess. You offered to pet sit. Or if he asked you never suggested perhaps he could hire someone for part of the time. 
When my son was 2 and I was a SAHM I put him in the playpen so I could work out for 40 minutes to a videotape.  My husband was home but getting ready to leave and meet a friend for lunch. He’d slept till after 10am. Son loved playpen for that amount of time. I was really sweaty after working out. I asked him if he could stay 15 more minutes so I could shower and take son out of playpen. No he said. But he could have. I knew he could tell this particular friend he’d be there 15 minutes later (at most ). 
he said no. I dealt with being gross and sweaty till he came home. Then I told him politely. I really need the time to work out for aboit a half hour daily and if it’s bad weather I can’t take baby with me in the stroller and power walk. I also need a quick shower after. And sometimes he might need supervision. From that day on my husband accommodated my “need” to exercise in those rare instances I needed coverage. Even now 12 years later he doesn’t complain thst I wake up crazy early to go downstairs to the fitness room and work out even if it wakes him briefly.

He gets it because I voiced what I needed. It doesn’t help him.  It helps me. And I own that. It’s important for your partner to see you helping yourself and taking care of yourself instead of being some force of nature SuperNurturer. Even if it makes you happy to be that way and be such a people pleaser it actually rubs some people the wrong way. It’s too much or it’s too overeager. Those are not your people.

But please know if you have a partner where your role is the constant nurturer the recipient who wants that constant nurturing might not be a stand up responsible mature person for a serious relationship or marriage.
Many people love to show their partner how resilient and independent they are. You take a lot of that away by jumping in and being Mommy. 

I see what you are saying. I'm almost too helpful. I think I felt that if he needed me I was important to him. I wanted him to want me. 

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

So I caused him to break my heart. Greatttttt

I love feeling like this is all my fault. 

Why won't you address your own role in creating no-win dating situations?

You don't get broken up with because you're a terrible person or you're unlovable. It's because you keep choosing the wrong men. Your criteria seems to be gives you attention and has a pulse. Nothing else. No wonder it doesn't work out!

Do you feel you deserve the right man for you? Or do you not care if he's right as long as you can slap the label "boyfriend" on him?

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

Well ... your choice to keep on with this "he's my boyfriend and we are in love" narrative, though he was very upfront about where you stood in his priorities from the beginning,  is absolutely on you.   

You had all the information you needed to not be where you are today.

 

I know, and I see what you are saying

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Why won't you address your own role in creating no-win dating situations?

You don't get broken up with because you're a terrible person or you're unlovable. It's because you keep choosing the wrong men. Your criteria seems to be gives you attention and has a pulse. Nothing else. No wonder it doesn't work out!

Do you feel you deserve the right man for you? Or do you not care if he's right as long as you can slap the label "boyfriend" on him?

I feel I deserve so much better than what I got. 

 

I do feel like I am getting broken up with because I'm not good enough. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

I feel I deserve so much better than what I got. 

 

I do feel like I am getting broken up with because I'm not good enough. 

But again you're side-stepping the main point I made. Do you even care if it's the right man? Or do you just want a male human with a pulse who's willing to allow you to call him your boyfriend?

[Jaunty]

Just now, Alex39 said:

I feel I deserve so much better than what I got. 

You got what you accepted.  And you were very "nice, sweet and kind" about it all.   

There is not anything wrong with standing up for yourself and what you want and need. 

Here is the part you will hate:  There is also nothing wrong with the other person saying "sorry, I can't give you that" or deciding to break up with you because they aren't feeling it to give you what you want and need.   

Just now, Alex39 said:

 

I do feel like I am getting broken up with because I'm not good enough. 

You need to stop thinking of it like that.  It's very unhealthy.   You are who you are, you have your strengths and weaknesses, you are not perfect (same as everybody else) and you are not going to "keep" a man by trying to behave more and more like some kind of stepford robot.  

Seems like that is your standard for being "good enough."  That is wrong thinking.

[Alex39]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But again you're side-stepping the main point I made. Do you even care if it's the right man? Or do you just want a male human with a pulse who's willing to allow you to call him your 

I'm mourning right now. I'm upset, mad and I am beating myself up for being such a dummy. 

I think I thought if I acted and gave and opened my heart that it would be reciprocated. I've had guys complain in the past that I was closed off and guarded. 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I do feel like I am getting broken up with because I'm not good enough. 

Don't you see though, how you perpetuate your own narrative by consciously choosing men who don't treat you like you're good enough?

Next time, first time he flakes or treats you "less than" like this guy did repeatedly, it's a NEXT.  Choose to not accept that behavior.  Period.  

So what, you won't have a "boyfriend"? You have YOU.  You have yourself and THAT is good enough.

Once YOU start believing it, others will too and treat you as such. 

That's how it works.  :))

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

. I'm upset, mad and I am besting myself up for being such a dummy. 

Unfortunately he was never onboard as much as you were. There is no point beating yourself up. You didn't "cause" the breakup. It was just a matter of when, not if. There's nothing you could have done with this man. He was a terrible choice. Sure he was nice once in a while, but this certainly isn't the first time he left you crying. You dodged a bullet. 

[Alex39]

What do I say to him Wednesday?

[Jaunty]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I think I thought if I acted and gave and opened my heart that it would be reciprocated. I've had guys complain in the past that I was closed off and guarded. 

For the record, I do not think that this guy is ready for a relationship with ANYONE, it's not just you.  I don't think he has any clue how to be in a relationship and he would not be different with anyone else, even though he might be more keen.   He seems pretty stunted, from what you posted about him.

You really have some work to do with yourself.   If you pick inappropriate men, whether you have an open heart or you  are closed off, it's not going to work.   

But if you encounter the RIGHT man, it still won't work if you keep up this passive / pushy combo.   People who act like that feel like dead weight.   

[Alex39]

What do I say to him Wednesday?

[boltnrun]

30 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm mourning right now. I'm upset, mad and I am beating myself up for being such a dummy. 

I think I thought if I acted and gave and opened my heart that it would be reciprocated. I've had guys complain in the past that I was closed off and guarded. 

I'm sorry you're in pain. But for about the tenth time you side-stepped the issue I brought up, perhaps because you don't want to admit what your answer would be. 

34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 Do you even care if it's the right man? Or do you just want a male human with a pulse who's willing to allow you to call him your boyfriend?

This will continue to happen until you start choosing the right man instead of any guy who sends you a text here and there. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

What do I say to him Wednesday?

"Here are your things". Then just see what he has to say. You asked him to get his stuff so pack it up and give it to him. What type of stuff did he leave there? 

You can't really rehearse a one-way conversation. You'll have to see what he says....if he even shows up. 

[Wonderstruck]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I want to make clear. I didn't delete previous threads. Enotalone took them down. 

Why did ENA take down multiple threads of yours, Alex?

And please don't pretend that you "don't know why". There's no way that you would have quietly sat back and let ENA take down multiple threads of yours without reaching out to them and questioning WHY they were doing that.

Also, you DID go back and hide a bunch of individual posts of yours on one of your threads.

Do you think that's respectful to the people who take time and energy out of their day to try and give you helpful advice?

[Kwothe28]

44 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I feel I deserve so much better than what I got. 

 

Everybody thinks they deserve better. But in actuallity, you dont deserve to be treated horribly. Meaning any kind of disrespect or God forbid, abuse. But for everything else, you get what you settled for. You settled for a man that didnt treated you horribly. But that is like, the minimum requirements. The same man has a big history of bailing on you. From the start of dating to the relationship later. So, are you really surprised that at the end he bailed on you in this way?

Everything else, I am sorry, is on you. You accepted somebody who has a history of bailing out. You dedicated to that man. To the point you were his pet sitter. Which again is fine if the other person appreciates it. But he clearly did not. When we talk about love its about mutual love. Or as I teached bunch of kids today "work on potentials of the other partner". Your guy didnt had potential. The first chance he got, he bailed. 

Next time try to search for that potential more. This one was shady from the start. And please do reciprocity next time. There is no need for you to be a pet sitter to somebody that does a minimal effort. Dont do stuff if you know it isnt appreciated properly. Not in relationship, not for friends either. Because as you can see, you become bitter afterward. If they dont appreciate your effort, just dont do it anymore.

[SooSad33]

17 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He's like - I still want to be your friend and be in your life and support you

Nope, cant do that 😕 , sorry for your pains.

But, by sounds of it, he's being honest enough.  What YOU want, need and expect , he knows he can't give you.

Then you accept this, don't pressure him etc at all anymore and distance yourself now ( no expectations).

 

[Alex39]

50 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

Why did ENA take down multiple threads of yours, Alex?

And please don't pretend that you "don't know why". There's no way that you would have quietly sat back and let ENA take down multiple threads of yours without reaching out to them and questioning WHY they were doing that.

Also, you DID go back and hide a bunch of individual posts of yours on one of your threads.

Do you think that's respectful to the people who take time and energy out of their day to try and give you helpful advice?

ENA was doing all of that. They said I was repeating and they took down my thread saying it was maxed out of space and advice was given so they closed it.