What went wrong with this guy?

[lillyflower6060]

Hello! I need some advice about a guy I was seeing. We met online off a dating app a little over a month ago. Before we met, it seemed like he really wanted to get to know me. We would text and facetime quite often, learn about each other, and he really stood out from the rest. He owned his own business, was very spiritual and seemed to be very knowledgeable and open about mental health. We talked over the phone for 2 weeks and then we finally met up. He lives 2 hours away so this is why it took longer to meet. When we met in person, we spent the whole day together. It was definitely unlike any other date I had been on.  He planned out a great day together and took me out to a nice dinner to end the day. He was very chivalrous, kind, and seemed very genuine. He said he was looking for something serious and long term and said he was all about open communication. Over the month that I was dating him, we would frequently spend entire weekend days together. I met his kids and his friends. We got very close. The last time I saw him, we went on a camping trip together. It was a lot of fun, and we got even closer. He kept referring to other things we could do in the future. It was definitely nearing the "What are we?" question.

I do realise all of this happened pretty fast. I usually do take things more slow. But- everything seemed so right and effortless, and we were spending a lot of time together. I did notice some red flags, but I didn't put much thought into them. It was that he would sometimes brag about how many women wanted him, or about the past women he dated. He also complained about his ex wife and his previous relationships too which I thought was odd. Anyway, after the camping trip he got extremely distant. He didn't text me at all which was very unlike him. I reached out a few days later to ask to meet up again in a few weeks and he said he "might be out of town" and that he would "let me know in a few days". I kind of got the hint at that point that something was up, so I totally left the ball in his court to do just that. He didn't talk to me at all in the meantime, but was active on social media viewing and liking my posts. He ended up never letting me know if he could see me. He never texted me again actually. I found that very disrespectful. To make matters worse, he went on another camping trip with a girl that weekend and posted them together online. He knew I could see. He still even had the audacity to view and like my posts after he did that too. The girl he was seeing is the entire opposite of me. She has an Only Fans (no hate to people who do that), and is very popular on social media. 

This made me feel terrible. I have no idea what went wrong. He turned out to be the exact opposite of what he showed me. I thought he would have more respect for me to at least let me know he wasn't interested, but apparently not. I have since blocked him from my social media. I'm just confused about the whole thing. 

[boltnrun]

Please don't get so caught up in the fantasy that you ignore red flags. Never be so excited about the possibility of finally "finding a boyfriend" that you rush forward without thinking things through. 

This is a valuable lesson for next time. Take your time to get to know a man (online interactions are not real life). It's better to take several months to allow yourself to get to know him than to rush in and be disappointed.

Thankfully it wasn't much time invested. You are now free to (cautiously) meet the right man.

And definitely delete him from your contacts and from social media. There's zero reason to stay connected in any way.

[bluecastle]

Oof. Sorry to hear about this. 

I think you summed it all up yourself, in this sentence: 

3 minutes ago, lillyflower6060 said:

He turned out to be the exact opposite of what he showed me.

In other words, nothing went wrong here, in terms of you doing something that scratched the record. What happened is that it took four weeks for this guy to reveal his true self to you, which is not a self you want to be involved in. It hurts, it creates whiplash—internet hugs to all that. But if there is a silver lining to it all? It's that you just spent a month of your life learning this. 

Moving forward? I'd maybe reflect on this a bit: 

7 minutes ago, lillyflower6060 said:

I do realise all of this happened pretty fast. I usually do take things more slow. But- everything seemed so right and effortless, and we were spending a lot of time together. I did notice some red flags, but I didn't put much thought into them. It was that he would sometimes brag about how many women wanted him, or about the past women he dated. He also complained about his ex wife and his previous relationships too which I thought was odd.

Because from where I sit? The red flags you pointed out do not quite jibe with "so right and effortless." When someone feels the need to brag about all the action they could be getting and to demean their ex while introducing people they hardly know to their children—well, that's generally someone sculpting a neon sign that says "I am a big mess at the moment."

I get that good times and good chemistry, along with the fantasies that can be whipped up through early digital only conversation, can kind of throw a blanket over the glow of that neon. Been there. In your shoes, I'd consider this a lesson—tough, but not fatal—to move a little slower so what's what (as opposed to what you hope is what) can make itself a bit more apparent before the heart is so invested. 

[MissCanuck]

23 minutes ago, lillyflower6060 said:

He turned out to be the exact opposite of what he showed me

Not really, though. 

He was showing you red flags. You chose to minimize them. It's not that something went wrong, exactly. Something was wrong with him from the beginning. This is stuff you should not have glossed over: 

23 minutes ago, lillyflower6060 said:

he would sometimes brag about how many women wanted him, or about the past women he dated. He also complained about his ex wife and his previous relationships

And also the fact that you dated a month and met his kids? That screams poor judgement and lack of common sense as a parent, and as a person in general. No parent should be brining a new love interest around their kids that soon. It does not matter how lovely the new person is. 

I am not suggesting you deserve to be ghosted like this. Not at all, and he sounds like a total tool. But you do need to do a better job paying attention to the red flags. 

And for heaven's sake girl, get this guy off your social media. 
EDIT: I missed where you said you have blocked him. Good call. Keep it that way. 

[Kwothe28]

48 minutes ago, lillyflower6060 said:

It was that he would sometimes brag about how many women wanted him, or about the past women he dated. He also complained about his ex wife and his previous relationships too which I thought was odd.

And that didnt scream "player" to you?

Its way too much in a month. He razzle and dazzle you so you were caught in a fantasy how everything is perfect. But you ignored his behaviors. And at the end it got to you. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lillyflower6060 said:

  I have since blocked him from my social media. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately he seems like a player. 

Keep in mind players are superficial so coming on hot and heavy is just as insincere as when they just blow out of town on to the next one. 

You did nothing wrong. It's great you blocked him.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, I feel was just too much too fast and was not the right way to have a healthy relationship 'build'. ( I remember a saying I once saw as well... ' We learn a lot about a person once we take a trip with them ', kinda thing).  And by sounds of it, this is right!

So, let it be a learning experience, I see him as a player , doing nothing but complaining about ex's and living it up with anyone & everyone. Not your kind of person 😕 .

And another thing... don't go adding these 'potentials' to your friends list.  Not yet.  So many times I see many people do this.. and 3 mos later, they're removed.  Maybe consider adding someone if or when you have known them for a while and you do feel this is a decent time to do so.

 

 

[Anthony81J]

11 hours ago, lillyflower6060 said:

Hello! I need some advice about a guy I was seeing. We met online off a dating app a little over a month ago. Before we met, it seemed like he really wanted to get to know me. We would text and facetime quite often, learn about each other, and he really stood out from the rest. He owned his own business, was very spiritual and seemed to be very knowledgeable and open about mental health. We talked over the phone for 2 weeks and then we finally met up. He lives 2 hours away so this is why it took longer to meet. When we met in person, we spent the whole day together. It was definitely unlike any other date I had been on.  He planned out a great day together and took me out to a nice dinner to end the day. He was very chivalrous, kind, and seemed very genuine. He said he was looking for something serious and long term and said he was all about open communication. Over the month that I was dating him, we would frequently spend entire weekend days together. I met his kids and his friends. We got very close. The last time I saw him, we went on a camping trip together. It was a lot of fun, and we got even closer. He kept referring to other things we could do in the future. It was definitely nearing the "What are we?" question.

I do realise all of this happened pretty fast. I usually do take things more slow. But- everything seemed so right and effortless, and we were spending a lot of time together. I did notice some red flags, but I didn't put much thought into them. It was that he would sometimes brag about how many women wanted him, or about the past women he dated. He also complained about his ex wife and his previous relationships too which I thought was odd. Anyway, after the camping trip he got extremely distant. He didn't text me at all which was very unlike him. I reached out a few days later to ask to meet up again in a few weeks and he said he "might be out of town" and that he would "let me know in a few days". I kind of got the hint at that point that something was up, so I totally left the ball in his court to do just that. He didn't talk to me at all in the meantime, but was active on social media viewing and liking my posts. He ended up never letting me know if he could see me. He never texted me again actually. I found that very disrespectful. To make matters worse, he went on another camping trip with a girl that weekend and posted them together online. He knew I could see. He still even had the audacity to view and like my posts after he did that too. The girl he was seeing is the entire opposite of me. She has an Only Fans (no hate to people who do that), and is very popular on social media. 

This made me feel terrible. I have no idea what went wrong. He turned out to be the exact opposite of what he showed me. I thought he would have more respect for me to at least let me know he wasn't interested, but apparently not. I have since blocked him from my social media. I'm just confused about the whole thing. 

Simple to me, the guy is not a good person. That’s life he’s monkey branching from one girl he fancies to another. LOSER

[NighttimeNightmare]

13 hours ago, lillyflower6060 said:

I do realise all of this happened pretty fast. I usually do take things more slow. But- everything seemed so right and effortless, and we were spending a lot of time together

Then you don’t usually take things slow, you simply hadn’t been in a position prior where things were fast, and intense, and “right,” and effortless. 
 

and that’s precisely when things bite you in the butt. Those are the very scenarios that should give you pause and cause you to take a step back and slow things down. Anything that moves quickly can look like something it isn’t. 
 

13 hours ago, lillyflower6060 said:

He didn't text me at all which was very unlike him

It could be incredibly like him, he’s a stranger.  You have no idea who he is or isn’t 

 

13 hours ago, lillyflower6060 said:

I have since blocked him from my social media.

Good 

 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

don't go adding these 'potentials' to your friends list.  Not yet

I agree with this as well. 

It amazes me how easily some of us let people into into our private lives by adding them on social media when we hardly know them. It speaks to an overall lack of boundaries. OP, in the future, slow that down too. There's no reason to add some random you've gone on a few dates with to your socials. 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

And another thing... don't go adding these 'potentials' to your friends list.  Not yet.  So many times I see many people do this.. and 3 mos later, they're removed. 

Yeah, but then you lose confirmation moment. She meets people through dating apps where its important to establish identity of other person. So, exchanging socials is one of them. Nowadays even that can be faked but still its at least something. And she can see other stuff, for example some of his past activities etc. Admittedly she can establish identity with the phone number but then she would have to exchange something even more personal then socials. 

I mean I get what you are saying. Its just that in todays times where they meet online, it became pretty normal thing to do. Plus they can delete and block pretty fast if needed.

[Andrina]

Lots of great comments from all the posters. I will add that you have to think about why someone seeks out long distance on OLD unless you live in a podunk town. In his case, my guess is that he could more easily, temporarily hide the fact he's a player, and gets what he wants quicker with these marathon weekends together. I'm going to guess you did the majority, if not all, of the traveling to him. He got what he wanted--intimacy with a new woman, and then when the new became old for him, she would live far enough away that he wouldn't be bumping into her, and far enough away so she wouldn't show up at his home or work to plead for reconciliation.

When single, I did OLD for several years. I limited my dating to local, which has far more pros than LDRs. It still wasn't easy, but I could quickly vette prospects a lot quicker, we could date at a normal pace, and neither of us would have to uproot our lives if things worked out. People are drawn into the fantasy of a small world with social media, but reality quickly rears an ugly head in LDRs. 

I made plenty of mistakes myself, but as long as you learn from the mistakes, you'll get better at this difficult yet important goal of finding the right guy.

[smackie9]

Those aren't red flags, those are deal breakers!

[Lambert]

Hi. It's him. He's the problem. It's him.

this is a low quality individual. Glad you didn't chase him and he is now blocked. 

Meet a local guy.  Someone you can take your time and get to know through regular interactions. Not marathon dates. 

Those give you a false sense of intimacy and don't really afford you the benefit of many interactions in a variety of situations.

Anyone can be great when they clear their calendar and are only focused on the time together away from everyday challenges.

He set it up to be this way. To control the situation. Think about it... why would anyone choose long distance? because the relationship is not the priority and it gives them a great seemingly reasonable buffer.

The only people who should be doing long distance are established couples navigating through a specific change in circumstances- job change, family care etc. but there should be a game plan agreed upon.

Meeting and getting to know someone long distance generally does not work.  

Work harder at putting yourself first!

[Cherylyn]

You should've heeded those red flags because they're there for a reason.  The reason being beware because this guy is a jerk. 

He just used you for sex,  you were merely a romp in the hay for him,  he grew bored and decided he was done with you.  Onto his next conquest .  .  . 

☹️ 😡

[lostandhurt]

What did you do wrong that could have stopped what happened?  NOTHING!!!

 You were open, genuine and honest, he was not.

The only thing you didn't do so well is allow time to see things clearly.  Time is your friend in these situations where the real people rise to the surface and allows both parties to float back to earth after the rush of meeting and hitting it off so well.  Red flags are red flags and we have all been guilty of looking the other way because we want it to work.  Lesson learned right?

 What was going on is he was still actively dating while you were not.  He was still pursuing other women at the same time and someone new or more interesting or more attractive to him came along and he pivoted to her.  His true colors eventually became clear to you at the end.  He could have sent a simple text letting you know he met someone else but he probably wanted to keep you on a string just in case the new woman didn't work out.  Heck you may have replaced his last dating interest.

This is who he is so instead of feeling bad that it didn't work out be happy you found out so soon.  You could have dated him for months thinking you were exclusive and he was devoted to the relationship only to find out he was playing the field the whole time.

 It sucks to feel the rush and be happy you finally met someone so you can stop the dating merry go round and then have it all fall apart in mere hours.

Don't beat yourself up over this but definitely learn from it.

Lost

[Sindy_0311]

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

You should've heeded those red flags because they're there for a reason.  The reason being beware because this guy is a jerk. 

He just used you for sex,  you were merely a romp in the hay for him,  he grew bored and decided he was done with you.  Onto his next conquest .  .  . 

☹️ 😡

Agree, but she didn’t mention whether they had sex… maybe OP can clarify… if they did, no doubt he was a player! 

[Tiddytok5]

On his end...he's a terrible person and a terrible "parent". 

 

 

On your end, He showed you who he was and what you could expect from him  in the very beginning.  He presented his authentic self. 

 

You chose to bypass all red flags, and you created a false narrative of him and the situation in your head. 

 

 

You rushed into the fantasy and left reality and rational thinking behind.  

 

According to you, you tend to do that a lot. That needs to stop.

Stop rushing into these types of situations and know better than to be around a potential partners children in a hurried rush manner. 

Going camping was too much to soon..everything you did was too much to soon.

 

 

Keep him blocked. 

Until you get yourself sorted out, please refrain from dating and relationships.  

Perhaps therapy would be beneficial for you.