Why does he avoid relationships?

[Carmen_Aved]

Hello,

I've been working at a company for the past year and there is this very interesting guy who's been the #1 topic of gossip since before I joined the company. He's a relatively good looking man in his early thirties. Well-educated, well-read, and smart. Always well-dressed. Muscular physique. Deep voice. From a good family as far as we can tell. Very warm, honest, and caring towards others. He's actually managed to resolve a number of feuds among colleagues. Almost everyone deeply trusts and respects him. Good work ethics. Socially adept. Definitely not awkward around women. He's kind of aloof and introverted though and tries to avoid unnecessary gatherings. May seem a bit arrogant to those who just met him since he's brooding all the time. Outside work, he occasionally hangs out with a very few of his close friends, only one of whom is a colleague and the real source of information we have about him! The rest of his life is a mystery to everyone!
As far as we can tell, he's not and has never been in a relationship (at least for the past 5 years). I've been told a number of women at work have made advances to him; but he generally plays dumb and acts as if he doesn't notice it. And no one has been bold enough to directly just ask him out. His close friend is positive that he's single. Despite his kind attitude, he has an unusual intimidating presence and no one dares to ask him personal questions. The entire situation just doesn't make any sense. I intend to approach him and get to know a little bit better, ask him out on a date perhaps; but I'm not sure how to go about doing so and I've been advised against it multiple times. There has to be a psychological factor involved here. Or perhaps he's got a type of personality that requires the right kind of motivation? Why would a man of his stature act in such a bizarre manner? We meet on a daily basis. Occasionally talk about work. He's kind and caring towards everyone so it's hard to tell whether he's actually interested or just being his normal self.
Any advice on how I can approach him?

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Carmen_Aved said:

  Why would a man of his stature act in such a bizarre manner? 

Unfortunately it seems he's a private person and avoids problems by keeping his personal life out of work.  He's not acting bizarre at all. He's acting smart not to get involved in office gossip or workplace romances.

It ok to have a crush however be professional and polite and date outside of work. The workplace is not a dating app or singles club. He goes there to do his job and his personal life is his business.

You don't know what his relationship status is, all you know is that he's smart enough to sidestep trouble and messy office romances. 

[Tinydance]

Actually, just because he rejects women at work romantically doesn't mean he's avoiding being in a relationship. He doesn't have to be interested in every woman who asks him out. He could be not attracted to those women, he could be seeing someone else, he could be gay, doesn't want to date colleagues, etc.

I understand he's good-looking but people in the office aren't actually entitled to gossip about him or know about his private life. If you're not trying to pry into other male colleagues' lives, then why do you feel you can do this towards him just because he's good-looking? He doesn't owe it to anybody to be in a relationship or tell people at work about his dating, etc. This is a workplace and he's allowed to keep his private life separate.

Also do you actually truly like this guy as a person? Or you're just trying to  compete with the other women because he's hot? You said he keeps to himself a lot. So do you actually even know him much? 

[Seraphim]

He is smart and avoiding drama which can endanger his job. 

[boltnrun]

He's very smart to avoid dating coworkers. It becomes extremely awkward for a number of reasons.

Please don't ask him out on a date, it very likely won't go the way you're imagining it. And that's not a slam against you, it just seems very likely he isn't interested in dating anyone from work.

[Capricorn3]

He could be gay. If not, then he's very smart not getting involved with colleagues.

[Kwothe28]

Some people are very private and keep their affairs to themselves. Not everybody likes to talk about their affairs. He maybe doesnt want to date from some reason, doesnt want to date colleagues or air his affairs in the office or just is good at hiding stuff. Years ago I worked with a woman who was generally nice, has a nice job and takes care of herself. So I did wonder why she is single in her 30s. Turns out she has an affair with a married man. 

Anyway, I dont think its your business why does he avoids relationships when he clearly doesnt want to talk about it on work or even with his friends. Nore do I think you have a chance there since he clearly doesnt want an office relationship or maybe even relationship in general. Stay away from the guy.

[MissCanuck]

It's not him who is being "bizarre" - it's all of you who are overly nosy into his personal life. 

He is wise not engage in office flirting, and keep his personal and professional life separate. The rest of you need to find a hobby. 

[Carmen_Aved]

Thanks everyone. I think I gave the wrong impression that the situation is more about workplace gossip and that I'm trying to stir up drama. It is to some extent. But that was just to give context. This isn't an attempt to pry into his personal life. I do, however, intend to get to know him better. I'm genuinely interested in him. Thanks to his close friend I know with relative certainty that he's neither gay nor in a relationship. So these possibilities are pretty much out of the picture. It's not that he's trying to avoid workplace romance. It's that he's trying to avoid romance, period. And he's not shy about discussing other aspects of his private life. He's pretty much a nerd, massively into computer games and comic books. He sometimes talks about his family, his hobbies, even his physical health and the surgeries he's had (not to me though, we don't share the same office space). When I said "The rest of his life is a mystery to everyone" I meant his love life. His friend tells me whenever they ask him about it he shrugs it off by saying "I dunno, it just hasn't happened yet".

I understand your concerns about his privacy and your criticisms. But what if despite the appearances, he's romantically awkward? Maybe he's not good at picking up indirect advances. What I'm trying to say is that maybe he's not avoiding for the reasons you guys mentioned. Maybe he's just shy. If that's the case, how can I approach him? If you guys seriously think I should drop it, then I will. I don't think at this point I'm clear-minded enough to make the right decision anyway.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Carmen_Aved said:

 Maybe he's not good at picking up indirect advances.  Maybe he's just shy. 

Unfortunately maybe he's just not into you.

[Carmen_Aved]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately maybe he's just not into you.

OK, thanks for your honest feedback.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Carmen_Aved said:

I understand your concerns about his privacy and your criticisms. But what if despite the appearances, he's romantically awkward? Maybe he's not good at picking up indirect advances. What I'm trying to say is that maybe he's not avoiding for the reasons you guys mentioned. Maybe he's just shy. If that's the case, how can I approach him? If you guys seriously think I should drop it, then I will. I don't think at this point I'm clear-minded enough to make the right decision anyway.

I originally met my husband at work -at the time he was a very shy and private person.

I'd drop it also because you're regarding him as some sort of science experiment plus this is about your ego -he's a challenge - because he's a private person (very very smart on his end) and it's about the thrill of the chase since he seems unattainable.  If you truly do regard him with respect -professionally and personally then interact with him so that he is comfortable around you - and take his lead and cues -don't pry -his private life is absolutely none of your business! I remember how certain of my coworkers thought they knew me well so that I'd be back at work oh around 4 days after giving birth. 

They had no clue that I had planned most likely to be a stay at home mom for long term.  And I was delighted they had no clue -why? Because the reason they thought so was because I was a really hard worker, a good team player, went the extra mile whenever possible, mentored people, etc. So to them I so prioritized my working life that of course I'd want to be back at work ASAP (yes they also believed I would be a good parent and that I was overjoyed to be getting married and starting a life with our little family).  So I relate to this guy's compartmentalization of work and personal life.  Leave him be.

I messaged a coworker this morning.  She is a private person.  Extremely.  But a few years ago during the pandemic we connected over our love of reading/books -and she got me more into historical fiction.  We are now FB friends.  I'd enjoy being closer friends with her but I respect that she is quiet/introverted.  So 99.9% of my messages -like this morning -relate to books I'm reading.  If it's other topics it's related to what she posted on FB about family birthdays, her cats, etc.  I don't pry because she is a particularly private person.  If she wanted to open up more to me, she would.  I suggest that approach.

[Coily]

Let the man be. Privacy is a precious commodity in this day and age. So all you know he could have a harem of supermodels in his home.

[boltnrun]

You're still planning to push yourself into his private life.

I presume he is an adult. If he is, he's certainly capable of making decisions for himself regarding dating and relationships. He doesn't need your guidance or interference. 

I understand you like him, but being pushy is a bad idea particularly when it's a coworker.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Carmen_Aved said:

It's that he's trying to avoid romance, period.

You are not in any position to make this assertion. You don't know this man on any personal level. You have no idea what he's actually thinking or feeling, and this mutual friend will only know what the man in question has chosen to share. There may be plenty he's opted not to share with him, either. 

Unless you have had personal conversations with him on this topic, you need to avoid making assumptions. I get that you like him but it doesn't seem the interest is mutual. 

 

[Cherylyn]

Respect his stance and how he is.  He has the right to live how he chooses even though he's a mystery to everyone.  In many aspects,  my personality is reminiscent of your colleague's.  I prefer to be a very private person.  Whatever I do outside my professional rapport with others remains my business and no one else's. 

Don't approach him.  Remain professionally cordial and well mannered.  Let him be.  He's giving off the vibe that everyone should know their place because he knows his.  Respect how he is and carry on.  Leave him alone in a natural,  very respectful way. 

[SooSad33]

On 8/15/2023 at 9:19 PM, Carmen_Aved said:

The entire situation just doesn't make any sense. I intend to approach him and get to know a little bit better, ask him out on a date perhaps; but I'm not sure how to go about doing so and I've been advised against it multiple times.

You have been there abt a year and he is a work colleague. And you've been adivsed to not go there.

So, why attempt this, knowing all you do about him?  IMO, he is the smart one avoiding drama or getting involved within the work place.

Tread carefully in this... and think twice.  is it best to just remain as you are and look elsewhere for a date?

[smackie9]

 

IMO if no one is getting anywhere with him, then it's best to respect that boundary. You push a guy like that, he will just go into his snail shell because you make him feel uncomfortable. It's pretty obvious he doesn't like women approaching him. You want to be desirable? you need to be aloof/mysterious around him. To be desirable is to be less available/unobtainable. 

[OliviaJJJ]

Maybe he's just avoiding a relationship with you.  If it's clear that he doesn't like/want women approaching him, why would you do that, in defiance of his wishes? Wow.

[lostandhurt]

You will never know until you ask him out for a drink.  Everything at work and here is speculation.

People meet and fall in love with coworkers all the time and until online dating came along bars, clubs, church and work is where most people met.

 If you are going to do it the sooner the better.  One day walk out to your car or whatever when he is and simply ask him if he would like to get a drink sometime and get to know each other better.

He will either say yes or politely say no thank you. Then you will know for sure.

  Life is far to short to let fear control our lives.

Lost