Nervous for a date

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do they go camping as a family often?

Also curious about him having to buy a new expensive tent and all supplies… if he’s broke, can’t he ask for someone to lend him a tent… doesn’t he have blankets at home? There’s something really odd going on… I don’t get it 

[Alex39]

He did, he asked me if I was okay buying the groceries. I was a bit surprised. But figure that's my contribution since he's buying our shelter. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

He did, he asked me if I was okay buying the groceries. I was a bit surprised. But figure that's my contribution since he's buying our shelter. 

It's his tent, not "ours" . Are his family poor also? They can't afford to buy food either? I'm very sorry but it's a very strange "invitation".

 

[boltnrun]

What prevents the two of you for going on a nice walk outdoors, enjoying local scenery or an interesting neighborhood?  That costs exactly $0.

[boltnrun]

And going from your couch to your backyard doesn't count as "going out".

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

He said he can't afford it but that he'd like to take me out next week when he gets paid. 

Alex, sage advice. 

Please stop taking his word like it's the Bible or something.

Has he given you a date?  Suggested a plan?  

Saying "I'd like to take you out" is so ambiguous, non-committal and means nothing! 

Wait until he actually ASKS YOU OUT with a date and suggests a plan before you take his word seriously. 

Especially given his track record of cancelling and not following through, come on now. 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He did, he asked me if I was okay buying the groceries. I was a bit surprised. But figure that's my contribution since he's buying our shelter. 

No he’s not. He will keep those for next time of can resell. He will consume what you bring. 

[rainbowsandroses]

28 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He did, he asked me if I was okay buying the groceries. I was a bit surprised.

That makes two of us!  

Did he not invite you as his guest?  

Are you buying groceries for his family too?

What the heck is going on?  

Alex please hun wake up.  Stop telling yourself stories like it's your "contribution" or something.

This is NOT right.

 

[Capricorn3]

What I am trying to understand is why he would invite someone to a camping trip when he doesn't have a tent or mattress in the first place. 🤔

[waffle]

I can't read this whole thread but I'm seeing a camping trip invitation. . . ? The details of that seem a little bit bizarre but what made me almost drop my phone was he invited himself over for an overnight at your home?  Did I read that right?  And if you want to provide sex for him, he's okay with that . . . ?

He's broke and has no finesse. 

Big No for me all the way around .

[Jaunty]

@Alex39 

Isn't his birthday this weekend?  Or next?  He has parties and a concert with his friends, is that correct, and you aren't going to any of those things with him?

If that's the case, may I ask why not?  I understand the concert, since tickets were probably purchased in advance, but if there's a party?

The future camping trip:  forgive me but this will be in the category of "wait and see whether it happens," due to his track record.  I think you have mentioned at least a couple of different times that you were supposed to meet some of his people which did not pan out.   

So far, this does not sound like any family camping trip I have ever heard of.  The food will normally have been planned for and a person who goes camping has some gear already.  Unless this is his first camping trip ... but his parents and family will be going?  I don't get it.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad but I also think you might want to be aware of patterns.  

I also am not into "timelines" and if the two of you are mainly hangout buddies who also cuddle and text a lot, that's not wrong.  I don't think you need to meet his friends and family members at any particular time.  What I do take note of is that there have been times that you were planning on that and the plans get derailed.  

 

[Alex39]

I like him very much. I think you all are completely wrong about him. 

Every time I even have an inkling of doubt, usually my own insecurity from past experiences,  he steps up and proves me wrong. He called me tonight and made concrete plans with me for next week, twice before he goes on his trip. And the plans are going out, not sitting in.  He's prioritizing me. He's thinking ahead and including me in his plans.  That means a lot to me. He wants to meet my parents. He's very positive about that. He's very considerate and kind. He treats me how I deserve. I think he's genuine and honestly I've never been treated so good. 

[Alex39]

My best friend met a guy 6 years ago. Most of their dates were hanging inside and they barely did anything fancy like dinners or going out. He was very low on money when they met and he let her know that. But they still spent lots of time together connecting. They went to free stuff and enjoyed family time.  They occasionally saved up and went on trips together. He built up his career and they are way more stable now and able to do things.  At 4 years, they got married. They now have children together and are living a great life together. 

[LootieTootie]

8 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I like him very much. I think you all are completely wrong about him. 

Every time I even have an inkling of doubt, usually my own insecurity from past experiences,  he steps up and proves me wrong. He called me tonight and made concrete plans with me for next week, twice before he goes on his trip. And the plans are going out, not sitting in.  He's prioritizing me. He's thinking ahead and including me in his plans.  That means a lot to me. He wants to meet my parents. He's very positive about that. He's very considerate and kind. He treats me how I deserve. I think he's genuine and honestly I've never been treated so good. 

You're in a honey moon phase. When you are in this stage, everything is thru rose-colored lenses. Everything they SAY just makes perfect sense.... and if it doesn't, who cares? All that matters is that you're on cloud 9.

I remembered you said this is the first guy to treat you well, and I was just thinking "Well, this might be why she needs more dating experience." Theres a lot of flags here with this guy but as long as he can talk his way out of it, I see you being you - compliant and then later, resentful. I hope I am truly wrong.

[LootieTootie]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

My best friend met a guy 6 years ago. Most of their dates were hanging inside and they barely did anything fancy like dinners or going out. He was very low on money when they met and he let her know that. But they still spent lots of time together connecting. They went to free stuff and enjoyed family time.  They occasionally saved up and went on trips together. He built up his career and they are way more stable now and able to do things.  At 4 years, they got married. They now have children together and are living a great life together. 

I think I recalled you mentioning this friend, and you were saying a lot of unkind things about her husband's finances and you did not want that in a partner.

Any way, I digress. Good luck Alex. 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

My best friend met a guy 6 years ago. Most of their dates were hanging inside and they barely did anything fancy like dinners or going out.

Just to be clear, I don't care about how much money or how fancy.  I just don't think that staying on your couch is the best way to develop a full and healthy relationship.   As you know I also don't agree that texting all the time is good for that either.  I hope you prove me wrong - or that you decide to go for a walk at some point. 

Also, want to clear up that I don't think this guy you're dating is up to anything nefarious.  I still think he has a lot to prove because he's canceled or otherwise not followed through with at least as many plans as he has carried out, at least as far as the ones you've shared about here.

Sorry but the camping thing sounds quite out of whack.  We'll see how that all plays out.  But you're bringing the groceries for his family?  That's just ... well, not a very nice invitation.   And I think it would be nice for you to be included in his birthday party, too.  

 

 

[MissCanuck]

This man's priorities are a bit screwy, Alex.  

He has so little money that you two can't even go out for dinner, (for example), yet he's planning to buy an expensive tent that he'll use, what, a couple times a year? 

Maybe now you are seeing a hint of why he's apparently got a good salary but lost his home and doesn't have the resources to have a date outside the house. 

Think about what he is showing you here. 

[Sindy_0311]

Why is he broke? Where did all his money go when he didn’t pay for the house? 

[kim42]

I don't know if it's just me, but he can't take you out on a 'real date', but wants to buy all these things for camping.

I hope you'll enjoy the trip and I truly hope he's a good guy.

[Sindy_0311]

8 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

What I am trying to understand is why he would invite someone to a camping trip when he doesn't have a tent or mattress in the first place. 🤔

He got recently divorced. Maybe his ex wife kept the camping supplies. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 Every time I even have an inkling of doubt, usually my own insecurity from past experiences,  he steps up and proves me wrong. 

Agree. Part of it is anxiety and impatience. Trying to hurry through the BF checklist so fast that it gets confusing for you to step back and simply observe what's going on. 

You've been seeing each other 6 weeks? You already know he has major financial issues, so sometimes your BF checklist and friends and rule books all confuse you as to where you "should" be. 

It seems like if things progress you'll be ok with him moving in for financial reasons and that may work out for you two. You have a house you like and want to stay in and the only thing missing is a BF. 

[Batya33]

I'd feel more comfortable with the camping thing if he said -this is a pot luck situation where each family member contributes to (one of the meals/all breakfasts/bottled water, etc) - and he said my contribution is ____.  Then it would follow naturally that you'd say "great -I'd like to go in with you on ___." But for him to invite you along then ask you to pony up for food for the trip - that's not a real invite.  And -he should be asking you if you prefer certain foods over others or dislike a typical camping type food and then maybe you do BYO whatever it is.  Do  you really think his family wants you to pay in this manner?? Wouldn't they be embarrassed if they learned?

[Alex39]

I got the impression that I am only buying food for him and I.  We have our own campsite and his family will be bringing their own stuff. I'm not resentful and not unhappy at all. In the past, I got resentful of guys pretty quickly. I don't feel or see this happening. He did invite me to his birthday. He asked if we could go out to dinner with his friends. So we are going out to dinner with his friends. He picked the place and made the plan. 

I do think he struggles financially and he isn't always savvy with his money. Sometimes spending on fun stuff and not saving for realistic stuff. But who am I to judge. I just had to ask my parents for a bit of cash to get me through the next couple weeks because I was low. I am more responsible with my money, not buying ridiculous things. But we all struggle and I'm not perfect either.  

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. He did invite me to his birthday. So we are going out to dinner with his friends. 

I do think he struggles financially and he isn't always savvy with his money. 

It's great you're going out for his birthday. Better than cooking him dinner. He did warn you on the first date and several times afterwards that he's irresponsible with money and has considerable financial problems as a result. You pursued him anyway, so it seems you're ok with it.  

[boltnrun]

@Jaunty has a good point. The friend you just cited as a great example of how it's fine to date a man who's irresponsible with money is the exact same friend you've denigrated and derided as being married to (basically) a loser.  And now suddenly she's your role model for a great relationship?

Maybe it's good you're in this situation.  It'll help you get rid of your judgmental pronouncements about your "friends".