Nervous for a date

[itsallgrand]

Really bizarre that he's going to drop hundreds on an expensive tent, air mattress, blankets when he's so broke. Camping is one of those things that can be so cheap...why is he spending needlessly? He could borrow a tent or get one used online, grab blankets from home, skip the air mattress.

 

[Crawfords Wine]

16 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He's been buying us all supplies for our trip. So we're going. 

I thought he didn't have any money? 

Have you actually seen these 'supplies'? 
With your own eyes, I mean, in real life? 
Not in pictures he sent you during your incessant texting exchanges.

Right now,  next month's camping trip is only a plan. Nothing more, nothing less. 
If his track record is anything to go by he'll either cancel or find some other excuse as to why it's not happening.

 

I wish you weren't so utterly beholden to the concept of 'having a boyfriend'. 
I get that you want to be on the same track, and in line with all your 'friends' who are all knee-deep in all things wedding and babies, but I think you are selling yourself short in the process.

This fella, he's a dud. Sorry, but he is.
He's flaky, full of excuses, lacks imagination, is financially unreliable and puts in minimal effort to keep you around. 
And yet, you lap it up and dole out excuses for his less than acceptable behaviour.

Want more for yourself, want better, Alex!
 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He's very considerate and kind. He treats me how I deserve. I think he's genuine and honestly I've never been treated so good. 

Alex there is no doubt in my mind that this man has some redeeming qualities and is considerate and kind to you in some ways, of course he is!  

If he were ALL bad, you would never stick around.

HE knows this too.  He may be broke (or not I'm still not convinced he is) but he's not stupid.

And these good qualities are the things you cling tightly to, disregarding the other less redeeming qualities - red flags of which there have been many, too many to name and there's no need to repeat them here.

Look, I'm not judging you, I have been where you are with one of my ex's from years ago, I posted about him and our relationship earlier. 

After I healed from that relationship which nearly destroyed me in the end, literally, I was able to see many things I had chosen to shuffle under the rug at the time, as I see you doing now.

I refer to that time in my life and relationship as living in Never-Never Land.

I attached qualities to my ex I had no business attaching. He had not earned them, he was NOT deserving of them and they were essentially fabrications created in my own mind and imagination to fit my narrative of him being my "person."

He was my "one magic person", my god almost and I virtually worshipped him. No one, NO ONE was going to talk me down. 

I don't think you're at that place yet at least I hope not!  

But my fear for you is that once you become sexually ntimate, you will be headed there as sexual intimacy is incredibly bonding and once in the throes of it with a man you adore and nearly worship, it's difficult if not impossible to extricate yourself from. 

So I'm not going to try to talk you down, it wouldn't work anyway while you're in this place, a sort of Never-Never Land.. 

You're just going to have to play this out and hope what happened to me (and many other woman who become blind to certain realities when starved for love), doesn't happen to you.

I was with my ex, living in my own Never-Never Land, for six years, in the end once I woke up which was NOT a pretty awakening, I nearly ended my life.

Today I'm doing great, I've healed from that relationship and learned a TON from it, about myself, others, love, life!

Take care Alex and good luck.

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

I saw above where you were going to contribute towards food. Please do not offer or get roped into buying all the food. He can borrow camping supplies and or sell them. Also why separate campsites ?
My understanding is you pay for the number of campsites you need - and most accommodate way more than 2 people.  I’d contribute some food that you purchase a few days before and focus on items you can return or you otherwise need for yourself. 

[MrMan1983]

5 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Really bizarre that he's going to drop hundreds on an expensive tent, air mattress, blankets when he's so broke. Camping is one of those things that can be so cheap...why is he spending needlessly? He could borrow a tent or get one used online, grab blankets from home, skip the air mattress.

 

Where did this expensive tent that’s going to cost hundreds assumption come from? Might be some cheap thing for all we know. 

[Batya33]

Just now, MrMan1983 said:

Where did this expensive tent that’s going to cost hundreds assumption come from? Might be some cheap thing for all we know. 

Air mattresses are not inexpensive and you get what you pay for with a tent. I’ve been camping a couple of times. We had a tent and sleeping bags. One trip was at least for 3 nights. 

[rainbowsandroses]

52 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

The friend you just cited as a great example of how it's fine to date a man who's irresponsible with money is the exact same friend you've denigrated and derided as being married to (basically) a loser.  And now suddenly she's your role model for a great relationship?

Wow, I missed that thread.

Alex can you explain? 

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Wow, I missed that thread.

Alex can you explain? 

 

She’s mentioned this friend in more than one thread. I believe the same friend who will be relocating for her husband and how this choice also is a poor one. 

[itsallgrand]

15 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Where did this expensive tent that’s going to cost hundreds assumption come from? Might be some cheap thing for all we know. 

She mentioned he had said he was going to buying an expensive tent. So at least a couple hundred, plus air mattresses, plus blankets. Adds up fast.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She’s mentioned this friend in more than one thread. I believe the same friend who will be relocating for her husband and how this choice also is a poor one. 

Thanks, this thread is the only thread I've read.  

I really hope she returns and explains.

[rainbowsandroses]

He's not broke, I never thought he was despite his assertions to the contrary.

As to why he chooses to pretend he is with Alex is anyone's guess, I'm not going there.

But with all the money he spends on outings with his friends and family, shopping, shoes of which he sent her a picture of and now this expensive tent and supplies, not to mention the $100 he spent on the one date they spent outdoors where she tagged along while he shopped, it's highly unlikely he's broke or in financial straights.

I realize some divorces can be expensive when there are assets to split and children to support, none of which is the case here. 

Per Alex, he has a good well-paying job with the government, lives in a cheap low rent apartment, no children to support. 

I have no idea what's going on with him or why he's created this facade of being broke with Alex, but again it's highly unlikely he's as broke as he claims to be  IMO.

 

[Sindy_0311]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

We have our own campsite and his family will be bringing their own stuff.

How does that work? Do you have to book for a site when you go camping? (Sorry but I'm really not into camping, I hate it, and now even more😅)

So he already booked the site? Which days exactly? and who pays/paid the site? 

Also agree that you shouldn't buy grocery for the whole family... I guess his dad will come with a barbecue or something, do that implies that you also have to buy the meet/sausages? 

What grocery items do you have to buy? 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

. He was very low on money when they met and he let her know that.  At 4 years, they got married. 

The good news is your guy has a decent job. Would you be ready to let him move in when his lease is up?  

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I do think he struggles financially and he isn't always savvy with his money. Sometimes spending on fun stuff and not saving for realistic stuff. But who am I to judge

You judge your friend's partner pretty hard for the same thing. 

So, you are one to judge. 

[Sindy_0311]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

He's not broke, I never thought he was despite his assertions to the contrary.

Disagree, I think he is broke... and he has no difficulty hiding it, it always comes out as an excuse for this and that... In fact I think he is broke because he is irresponsible and waists his money on party's, alcohol (maybe drugs) any stupid stuff. this can escalate very fast when you are average financially speaking... maybe he has some old debts or credits... who knows. 

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

As to why he chooses to pretend he is with Alex is anyone's guess, I'm not going there.

 

I have my little idea about his intentions. As @Wiseman2 pointed out.

He is pretty passive, I mean, not much of things to talk about, he will have sex at her convenience and since the beginning isn't trying to escalate anything on an intimate level (is he really attracted to her?) Dates are kinda annoying, sofa/movie, he flaked more than once, and has much of histories that make no sense... What I think is he is waiting on her to suggest to move in. He saw her place, and the day after committed... what usually happens with this kind of guys is once they had what they wanted, they just make NO MORE efforts... He will go out, spend his/her money on partys, but thats ok because he already warned her about his ex-wife being to controlling. 

If I were in your position Alex, I wouldn't take the risk to engage in this BS. I would just drop him now and go for better, for what you truly deserve... please. 

 

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

@Jaunty has a good point. The friend you just cited as a great example of how it's fine to date a man who's irresponsible with money is the exact same friend you've denigrated and derided as being married to (basically) a loser.  And now suddenly she's your role model for a great relationship?

Maybe it's good you're in this situation.  It'll help you get rid of your judgmental pronouncements about your "friends".

This isn't the friend I've spoken about. That's a different friend. 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 hours ago, Alex39 said:

My best friend met a guy 6 years ago. Most of their dates were hanging inside and they barely did anything fancy like dinners or going out. He was very low on money when they met and he let her know that. But they still spent lots of time together connecting. They went to free stuff and enjoyed family time.  

That's fine but not sure why you're comparing, you and this man are NOT doing that.

You are not spending lots of time together connecting, you're on the couch once or twice a week for a couple of hours, watching a movie, some cuddling after which he leaves.

And by your own admission, have little to talk about! 

You are NOT doing things outside that are free and have not even met his family.

Heck, he can't even be bothered going for a simple walk outside with you enjoyng the summer, or buying an Ice cream for goodness sakes. 

 

[Kwothe28]

23 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But with all the money he spends on outings with his friends and family, shopping, shoes of which he sent her a picture of and now this expensive tent and supplies, not to mention the $100 he spent on the one date they spent outdoors where she tagged along while he shopped, it's highly unlikely he's broke or in financial straights.

 

I would say that its very likely that he is broke because he is irresponsible with money. See, poor people are sometimes not poor because they dont work or because of the bad job. They are poor because they spend irresponsably. I have a good friend. He has a lower end job but with him and his girlfriend working and living together in a house he inherited, he can save some money. But yet, he smokes, buys videogames, takeout food, and all kinds of stuff where he could save some money. So at the end of the month, he doesnt save anything. I am pretty sure that if he had millions, he would spend them. Alex boyfriend is likely broke not because he doesnt earn enough. But because his money habits are irresponsible. Expensive tent, partying, all costs money. Money that he burns away. So at the end of the month he is struggling. Just doesnt appear it because his spending habits are over the top.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I would say that its very likely that he is broke because he is irresponsible with money. See, poor people are sometimes not poor because they dont work or because of the bad job. They are poor because they spend irresponsably. I have a good friend. He has a lower end job but with him and his girlfriend working and living together in a house he inherited, he can save some money. But yet, he smokes, buys videogames, takeout food, and all kinds of stuff where he could save some money. So at the end of the month, he doesnt save anything. I am pretty sure that if he had millions, he would spend them. Alex boyfriend is likely broke not because he doesnt earn enough. But because his money habits are irresponsible. Expensive tent, partying, all costs money. Money that he burns away. So at the end of the month he is struggling. Just doesnt appear it because his spending habits are over the top.

Fair enough, it still doesn't speak well for Alex though. 

That he chooses to spend his money on anything other than planning activities to build their connection and relationship. 

Can't even plan anything that costs nothing!  It's the couch and a movie, after which he leaves, more or less. 

It's insulting imo. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That he chooses to spend his money on anything other than planning activities to build their connection and relationship. 

Why would he? He doesn't have to show any efforts and IMHO doesn't care that much about her... 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Why would he? He doesn't have to show any efforts and IMHO doesn't care that much about her... 

 

Well yeah, exactly my point. 

It doesn't speak well for Alex, it's insulting.

 

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

  It's insulting to Alex. 

No, in fact it's not, because she is ok with it...

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

No, in fact it's not, because she is ok with it...

I think we're on the same page about this Sindy. 🙂

 

[itsallgrand]

12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I would say that its very likely that he is broke because he is irresponsible with money. See, poor people are sometimes not poor because they dont work or because of the bad job. They are poor because they spend irresponsably. I have a good friend. He has a lower end job but with him and his girlfriend working and living together in a house he inherited, he can save some money. But yet, he smokes, buys videogames, takeout food, and all kinds of stuff where he could save some money. So at the end of the month, he doesnt save anything. I am pretty sure that if he had millions, he would spend them. Alex boyfriend is likely broke not because he doesnt earn enough. But because his money habits are irresponsible. Expensive tent, partying, all costs money. Money that he burns away. So at the end of the month he is struggling. Just doesnt appear it because his spending habits are over the top.

I agree with this 100%.

And it's consistent with his other behaviors. Impulsive and disorganized.

It would drive me batty but I'm not Alex.

If he pulls through on the camping, I'd bring hotdogs and the like and call it a day. No need to go beyond because he's buying expensive tents and that. 

[Sindy_0311]

Yeah, and the problem is that once they will have had sex together, she will be less ok to dump him...

So lets consider that this Saturday is her deadline to make up her mind about him...