Nervous for a date

[Alex39]

I haven't been on a date in years. Next week I have a morning date. We've been texting and this guy seems nice and down to earth. 

I'm so nervous. I'm afraid I'll be boring or not attractive. This man is about 6 years older than me. He has a little girl. His wife died years ago of covid. He's raising the girl alone. 

I have never been married or a mother. I feel scared this guy is going to look at me like an immature,  inexperienced, younger woman. This guy had a full life with his wife. He had a wedding, bought a home, had a child with her. All stuff I'd love to do. I am seeking love and to build a life with someone. 

I feel like when I show up, my brain is going to turn to Jelly. Empty and anxious. I won't ask him any good questions or be interesting. 

I don't know why I get in my head. I feel so scared and nervous about me, I forget about them. I get so nervous about them liking me. I sit there quietly smiling and acting perfect. And I feel I can't effectively judge if they are right for me. I just see every guy as cool, interesting, and that I'm not. 

Any advice?

 

[boltnrun]

Isn't this a first date? No need to be thinking about anything other than "is this man polite? Is he engaging me in conversation or only talking about himself? Is he considerate of wait staff? Of me? Does he speak kindly of others? Does he speak intelligently? Is he neat, clean and presentable? And would I like to see him again?"

All you need to do is be the same. Neat, clean, presentable, kind and engaging. Remember to smile and to listen with eye contact when he's speaking. You'll be fine.

And for the love of all that is holy, do NOT tell your mother you have a date and do not check in with her afterward! Please!!!!

[Alex39]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Isn't this a first date? No need to be thinking about anything other than "is this man polite? Is he engaging me in conversation or only talking about himself? Is he considerate of wait staff? Of me? Does he speak kindly of others? Does he speak intelligently? Is he neat, clean and presentable? And would I like to see him again?"

All you need to do is be the same. Neat, clean, presentable, kind and engaging. Remember to smile and to listen with eye contact when he's speaking. You'll be fine.

And for the love of all that is holy, do NOT tell your mother you have a date and do not check in with her afterward! Please!!!!

This is great advice. Thank you. What if I slouch or eat too fast amd how do I be engaging??

I am not telling my mother at all. It's my life. 

[Kwothe28]

29 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

His wife died years ago of covid

I mean it was like yesterday when everybody wear masks so its not like "years ago". Then again Covid did started in 2020 so...

30 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I have never been married or a mother. I feel scared this guy is going to look at me like an immature,  inexperienced, younger woman. This guy had a full life with his wife. He had a wedding, bought a home, had a child with her. All stuff I'd love to do. I am seeking love and to build a life with someone. 

 

You are going on a first date, basically just a meeting. You are not marrying a man. Relax a little bit. Go step by step. Meet a man first, see if you you like each other and can find a common language, and then worry about anything else.

[Batya33]

Your role :  show up on time. Look nice be nice and be responsible for 50% of the conversation.  That’s all folks. The rest is you unnecessarily scaring yourself. 

[Alex39]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Your role :  show up on time. Look nice be nice and be responsible for 50% of the conversation.  That’s all folks. The rest is you unnecessarily scaring yourself. 

I'm afraid I'll get all clammed up amd won't know what to say. 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm afraid I'll get all clammed up amd won't know what to say. 

"Whether you believe you can or you believe you can't, you're right".

10 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

What if I slouch or eat too fast amd how do I be engaging??

By chance are the first two things that your mother has criticized you for?

So what if you "slouch"? Or "eat too fast"? What is "too fast"?

Like I said, make eye contact when he speaks. Don't look around or look at the table.  Put your phone in your handbag. Ignore it if it pings. Ask follow up questions when he gives you information. Don't reply with a story about yourself. Show him you're interested in what he says. And if he asks you questions, answer them but don't launch into a fifteen minute monologue. Don't speak disparagingly about your friends, your mom or your coworkers. Be positive. If he asks what you're interested in, don't say "Nothing". Talk about things you're passionate about. 

And don't worry if you end up not clicking. You're supposed to be choosy. Your goal should be to find the RIGHT match, not just some male human with a pulse who you can slap the label "boyfriend" on in an attempt to keep up with your friends or appease your mother. Don't get "very excited" after just one first meet. Temper your expectations. You're meeting someone new, not your potential future husband!

Good luck, and remember to enjoy yourself. 

[Andrina]

As said, it's better not to project to the future. Make your goal be solely as enjoying good food in the company of someone who will hopefully be interesting to spend time with. 

Everybody has a story, and even if you never see them again, make that brief time something pleasant.

I did OLD, and I couldn't be everyone's cup of tea, and sometimes they weren't mine, but that's okay. I showed up and you'll be doing the same. Pat yourself on the back for getting out there.

See how he guides the conversation, and respond just as you would if you were meeting a new female co-worker. And then ask him the same. Have a few safe topics you can present, such as if he has pets, hobbies, what type of movies and music he likes.

Even if you feel down about yourself, keep it to yourself. THAT is the subject that would bore people. And it'd also be allowing a negative reel to repeat itself, which you need to change.

You keep saying: What if?

Well, how about thinking instead: What if everything goes well? What if we find each other attractive? What if we have fun?Won't that be great?

[Type O Negative]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I haven't been on a date in years. Next week I have a morning date. We've been texting and this guy seems nice and down to earth. 

I'm so nervous. I'm afraid I'll be boring or not attractive. This man is about 6 years older than me. He has a little girl. His wife died years ago of covid. He's raising the girl alone. 

I have never been married or a mother. I feel scared this guy is going to look at me like an immature,  inexperienced, younger woman. This guy had a full life with his wife. He had a wedding, bought a home, had a child with her. All stuff I'd love to do. I am seeking love and to build a life with someone. 

I feel like when I show up, my brain is going to turn to Jelly. Empty and anxious. I won't ask him any good questions or be interesting. 

I don't know why I get in my head. I feel so scared and nervous about me, I forget about them. I get so nervous about them liking me. I sit there quietly smiling and acting perfect. And I feel I can't effectively judge if they are right for me. I just see every guy as cool, interesting, and that I'm not. 

Any advice?

 

Yes. Make it into an evening date so that you could have a glass of wine or a beer. I'm serious. No way in hell could I possibly do a first date stone cold sober. A morning date's an abomination as far as I'm concerned. I'm deadly serious! 

[Type O Negative]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I mean it was like yesterday when everybody wear masks so its not like "years ago". Then again Covid did started in 2020 so..

My thoughts exactly. 2020 was measly 3 years ago. . .

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I'm afraid I'll get all clammed up amd won't know what to say. 

So it’s half of the conversation - you don’t have to know what to say -just be pleasant and if you’re nervous listen more than talk. This is not a business presentation or an oral exam. It’s a first meet.

 Ask him pleasant questions - is he planning to travel this summer and if so where? And then follow up questions- maybe about the location etc. etc

I dated one or two young widowers.  No kids though.  It’s hard. Also his wife was young and didn’t recently pass away unless it was in spring 2020. And even if that’s only 3 years ago and his little girl was so very young. I wouldn’t bring that up just keep it in mind. 
I personally would stay sober and don’t leave your coffee or beverage unattended just in case.  

[boltnrun]

I believe it's safer to remain sober for a first meet. You don't know if this man is decent or not just from a few messages. If you don't normally drink, alcohol could hit you harder than you realize. I don't drink wine regularly, for example, and I get loopy after one glass. 

I think you're going to be fine. Remember, he's a human too. He's likely nervous as well. Don't worry 🙂

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm afraid I'll get all clammed up amd won't know what to say. 

That's okay.  Try to ask questions about him and his life.  Hopefully he'll try to draw you out as well, and conversation will get rolling.

Have you met him already or is this a first meet?  When I was online dating I preferred to keep the first meets quite casual and not too long, like coffee or a walk & talk in a park.   Then if we both were feeling it, the next time would be a proper date. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

. What if I slouch or eat too fast amd how do I be engaging?

Just be yourself. You're just meeting a new man you're chatting with. Relax. You're not on a date with your mother. 

[smackie9]

like any first date you go in with an open mind and not so much on expectations. He knows nothing of you so how can he judge you like that? 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I don't know why I get in my head. I feel so scared and nervous about me, I forget about them. I get so nervous about them liking me. I sit there quietly smiling and acting perfect. And I feel I can't effectively judge if they are right for me. I just see every guy as cool, interesting, and that I'm not. 

Maybe you aren't quite 'ready' for dating ... and this guy's situation is maybe putting you off even more? Not sure why you can't see yourself as interesting?

Is very common to be nervous about that 'first meet/date'.  So, expect that much.

Give it 10 minutes, see if you can breathe by then? lol

As for wondering IF they're 'right for you', you can't tell much in the first meet, lol.  I say at least go meet him, see how the vibe is. 

[LootieTootie]

Congrats, Alex! 

Do some breathing exercise before the date if you start feeling yourself spiral. Don't call your mom or tell her about the date - she'll make you feel worse. 

The first date is just to see if there's any chemistry. Just be yourself but don't bring up your mom or your friends or your work (haha). You want the first date to be positive with good vibes.

[boltnrun]

And whatever you do, do not self deprecatingly say you think you're "boring", "immature", "unattractive" or "inexperienced". Don't bring up the many negative things your mother has said about you. Don't apologize for slouching or eating too fast. Don't say anything negative about your weight. 

You mentioned at least a half dozen positive things about yourself in your thread about your mom. Do you believe you are those things? Then highlight them! I mean, don't be braggy but if you have a nice smile and your teeth are nice, smile! If you have lush hair or bright skin, make sure they're visible (in a classy way, of course). If your home and yard are attractive and well maintained, talk about your love for home decor and landscaping. 

You're a prize. Remember that. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Try and do your best to relax.

You have been in communication so you some ideas of what to talk about.

 

Quit focusing so much on the future and go one day at a time.

[Cherylyn]

Act natural.  Be yourself.  Be presentable,  well mannered,  never interrupt and you will be fine.  Relax.  I've noticed that other people love to go on and on by talking about themselves so if you don't have a whole lot to say,  let the other person have the stage.  Just sit there and listen.  When the other person finally comes up for air and asks about you,  then say what you wish accordingly.  A lot of times,  self confidence is not having to talk too much so keep this in mind. 

Pay attention and observe a lot.  You don't know a guy just from text,  social media or electronically.  You will know within a few minutes if this guy is for you or not.  Non-verbal communication says a lot about a person, too.  Make sure your radar is up and then you can determine and decide if you want to proceed to the next date. 

[Jaunty]

23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And whatever you do, do not self deprecatingly say you think you're "boring", "immature", "unattractive" or "inexperienced". Don't bring up the many negative things your mother has said about you. Don't apologize for slouching or eating too fast. Don't say anything negative about your weight. 

 

That is great advice.  I have a young person (24)  working with me who is constantly making this type of self depreciating comment.  It's very difficult to appropriately respond.   Of course it also serves to bring attention to the very things she's self conscious about, which could have gone unnoticed.   

Accentuate the positive!

[MissCanuck]

Don't see your mother between now and this date. 

And do not tell her anything about it. 

 

[Batya33]

Wanted to add. Sorry if really silly I used to meet for first meets at a local cafe very popular for first meets actually. If I was nervous I did this internal mantra as I walked over to either the table where he was waiting or wherever.
“You are beautiful and glamorous”. I did this because I wasn’t and also I was a klutz and the space between tables was narrow etc. it reminded me to have good posture and walk with confidence and walk with grace - smooth and calm. it set my tone and reminded me to be calmer. Find one that works for you. 

[kehratha]

17 hours ago, Type O Negative said:

 No way in hell could I possibly do a first date stone cold sober. A morning date's an abomination as far as I'm concerned. 

I cannot agree more :)) 

[Seraphim]

My first date was sober .🤷🏻‍♀️I couldn’t go on a date with someone who needed alcohol to calm down. My now husband was nervous but it was endearing .