Nervous for a date

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

. He said he wanted to take me out. But he wanted to be honest. He is moving in two and a half months 3 hours away. 

If you like him, continue to date. You can still see others. Yes he built in an exit loophole, but you can still have fun dating him until you meet others.

[boltnrun]

I don't think you should continue, Alex. You tend to get very attached very quickly. Shoot, you hadn't even gone on the date yet and you were already fantasizing about your future with this guy.

I think it's too risky given your propensity to regard every guy you date as your potential new boyfriend. And to get "very excited". You don't seem to want to do casual dating with an end date. Or do you?

[Alex39]

I told him that I had a great time and liked our conversation.  I told him that as much as I'd love to hangout more with him, that I'm looking for a serious relationship and to build a life together with someone that lives here,  and him moving away doesn't seem to be the situation that matches what I'm looking for in my life. I told him it's just unfortunate time and place. But that if he decides to not move or move back, that he should contact me and we can maybe hangout as he wanted. 

It's unfortunate but I don't want to get invested and waste my time for someone to just pick up and leave. He seems a bit lost in his life. He didn't even seem settled that he was moving. But I do think he is doing the right thing by his daughter. 

[Alex39]

He responds with- well I'm still down to do xyz and xyz like we talked about, while I'm here for a few months. But I get it if you don't want to. 

[Andrina]

7 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He responds with- well I'm still down to do xyz and xyz like we talked about, while I'm here for a few months. But I get it if you don't want to.

Don't take this bait. He wants to hookup without putting in the effort it takes that a relationship leading to longterm would require.

I wouldn't even bother replying. Logically, put yourself in his shoes. If you knew you were moving in 80 days, would you begin or continue being on a dating site in the city you were moving away from? I know I wouldn't. When something doesn't make sense, realize why.

Take that date as good practice for yourself, that you felt confident, enjoyed yourself, and were a good conversationalist.  You did it once, you can do it again. And good for you for not entertaining his selfish, bad idea. It's called vetting so that your precious time isn't wasted. Take care.

[Alex39]

14 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Don't take this bait. He wants to hookup without putting in the effort it takes that a relationship leading to longterm would require.

I wouldn't even bother replying. Logically, put yourself in his shoes. If you knew you were moving in 80 days, would you begin or continue being on a dating site in the city you were moving away from? I know I wouldn't. When something doesn't make sense, realize why.

Take that date as good practice for yourself, that you felt confident, enjoyed yourself, and were a good conversationalist.  You did it once, you can do it again. And good for you for not entertaining his selfish, bad idea. It's called vetting so that your precious time isn't wasted. Take care.

I'm not taking it. You are right. 

[boltnrun]

32 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm not taking it. You are right. 

Yep. Just think about how you would feel if you do "hang out" with him (read: have sex), fall for him, start fantasizing about a future with him...and then he moves away. 

It's best to let this one go. Plenty of other guys wanted to meet you, didn't they?

[MissCanuck]

I would not continue to hang out. 

It will wind up hurting you too much when he leaves. I would thank him for his honesty and cut communication here. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm not taking it. You are right. 

I also think he was dishonest.  You made a great decision even if he had been honest -take a pass.  Also what's this neverending cliche garbage when a man says he can't believe a woman who is so beautiful/amazing is single.  How about not assuming said amazing woman was not given opportunities to marry/get involved seriously and simply happens to be  appropriately selective about who she associates with and dates??

  I was subjected to that garbage too as if a woman is a wilting flower/damsel in distress waiting to be rescued and proposed to and not be single anymore and if she's single and beautiful it's shocking.  While a handsome, successful man who wants to marry eventually and is single is looked at as a happy bachelor simply taking his time....

Certainly it's nice to compliment your looks/presence, etc -the rest is crappy and so is his decision to mislead  you.  

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Alex39 said:

. He didn't even seem settled that he was moving. But I do think he is doing the right thing by his daughter. 

How long is he widowed? How old is his child. It's a shame he seems to be planning to move, but it doesn't seem like he's trying to use you. 

Sadly he's obviously the marrying and family type, but as you mentioned, you don't want to risk anything in case he moves.

[layla6]

New relationships are hard enough, I personally wouldn't keep it going given it will soon be long distance, unless you intend to keep it casual.

I am so glad the date went well! Appreciate it as a stepping stone towards your future and move forward.

[rainbowsandroses]

16 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He didn't even seem settled that he was moving...

There ya go.  That's cause it's highly doubtful he IS moving, it was a line.  An easy out.

Not to mention, a 3-hour drive is not that far.  Some people commute not much less than that every day for work!

But yet he's like, "we can hang out till then."  Geez you'd think the guy was moving cross country or something. 

On the apps, best to take what men say with a grain of salt until you get to know them better.  I hate to be so negative but there is a lot of BS that goes on on dating apps.  

The good news is you had a good time with little awkwardness and anxiety as you feared.   

That's the positive takeaway from this.  There WILL be other men.  Get out there and meet them, be open.  Smile!  

I meet so many men IRL by simply being open and smiling.  May not lead to a date, but many of such encounters have! 

You're also gaining experience on how to be social and conversing in general.  Becoming comfortable in your own skin. 

Good luck! 

 

[Jaunty]

Alex, this is a good practice situation for you.   Do your best to just move on now that you've decided (wisely) not to go any further with this guy.    Just walk forward.  This is one of many meetings that won't lead where you want to go, and that's just fine.  I mean it's not what you're wanting, but it's dating.

[boltnrun]

Exactly. Every guy you meet isn't going to be your husband or even your boyfriend. You want to be selective. Not just throw the label "boyfriend" on the first guy who comes along and is relatively nice or start fantasizing about a wedding and babies. Be particular. Otherwise your relationships won't last and will be unsatisfying. 

[Alex39]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

There ya go.  That's cause it's highly doubtful he IS moving, it was a line.  An easy out.

Not to mention, a 3-hour drive is not that far.  Some people commute not much less than that every day for work!

But yet he's like, "we can hang out till then."  Geez you'd think the guy was moving cross country or something. 

On the apps, best to take what men say with a grain of salt until you get to know them better.  I hate to be so negative but there is a lot of BS that goes on on dating apps.  

The good news is you had a good time with little awkwardness and anxiety as you feared.   

That's the positive takeaway from this.  There WILL be other men.  Get out there and meet them, be open.  Smile!  

I meet so many men IRL by simply being open and smiling.  May not lead to a date, but many of such encounters have! 

You're also gaining experience on how to be social and conversing in general.  Becoming comfortable in your own skin. 

Good luck! 

 

No he is definitely moving. He showed me his house is contigent sold and he showed a picture of the new house he said he put a deposit on. 

He said he'd like to hangout whilst he's here and then maybe we can visit each other after that. He said he felt 3 hours wasn't a lot either. He said he could come see me and I him. 

But I don't know. I'm still hesitant about the whole thing. His child is 5. 

He's been widowed two years. He said he was dating a woman this year January and February. They jumped into things really fast. Too fast. And he said he realizes he rushed into it and was excited to have someone again. He said then this woman realized it was going fast, and stepped back. She broke up with him many times. Then finally for good. He said he was so heartbroken and alone. He felt lonely and that lead him to decide to move. Sounds maybe Iike he makes hasty decisions sometimes. 

[boltnrun]

I just don't see the benefit of tying yourself to the first guy you went on a date with who has so many barriers and issues. Don't treat him like he's a Snickers bar and you haven't eaten for a week. You can find a man who's much more compatible and who's better suited for you.

I would also wonder why he's so anxious to tie you down. I mean, sure, you're definitely a quality woman but why is HE acting like YOU'RE a Snickers bar? Is it because he's trying to mask or smother his pain? If so, that's not a good situation to get yourself into.

Please really think this over. Don't be so overly anxious to get a boyfriend you end up doing something that's bad for you. 

[rainbowsandroses]

46 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He showed me his house is contigent sold and he showed a picture of the new house he said he put a deposit on.

During your first meet?  Ok but don't you find that a bit strange?  A bit much?   I do. 

Assuming they're even his homes. 

In any event, doesn't matter, you made the right decision imho.

[Sindy_0311]

21 hours ago, Alex39 said:

But that if he decides to not move or move back, that he should contact me and we can maybe hangout as he wanted. 

Oops… I wouldn’t have said that. This is giving him to much of access… I would just have said it was nice meeting you but I don’t want to go further because of xyz… wishing you the best. Nothing more. 

I guess this is why he replied so casually by “if you want to hang out until then… “ 

he didn’t asked you out to talk about it or proposed to explain in person. If he liked you I guess he would have done so, or at least called you… 

Sorry you are disappointed… 

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He said he'd like to hangout whilst he's here and then maybe we can visit each other after that. He said he felt 3 hours wasn't a lot either. He said he could come see me and I him. 

More red flags. After, what, an hour together and he's already planning that each of you will regularly make 6 hour round trips to see each other, and on top of that, when he's a single father to a 5 year old? I don't even think he's telling the truth that he would be serious about doing this, but if he were, he's delusional that this would work.

He's got only one goal--the schmoozing, leading to knocking boots, and then using those boots to make a mad dash away. Hold out for someone golden, not this piece of @#$%

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 he is definitely moving.  His child is 5. He's been widowed two years. 

He doesn't sound evil. He's recently widowed and definitely not for you because he's moving. Since you already told him you're looking for a serious relationship locally, all you can do is move forward. You'll meet all types of men, many of whom are not suitable for you. That doesn't make them toxic or evil. Please don't adopt the philosophy that all men want is quick hookups. 

[Type O Negative]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 

  I was subjected to that garbage too as if a woman is a wilting flower/damsel in distress waiting to be rescued and proposed to and not be single anymore and if she's single and beautiful it's shocking.  While a handsome, successful man who wants to marry eventually and is single is looked at as a happy bachelor simply taking his time....

  

 Sad but true, 1943 or 2023.

OP:

I'll be beheaded and all for this but: if you're just kinda 'yes no or maybe' about him, how about a harmless fun fling? Take him for all he's got, stay detached the entire time, keep in mind that this is fun, nothing more and wish him all the best when he moves!

Beats sitting on your sofa reading your mates' fb nonsense and posting on message boards??

 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Type O Negative said:

 Sad but true, 1943 or 2023.

OP:

I'll be beheaded and all for this but: if you're just kinda 'yes no or maybe' about him, how about a harmless fun fling? Take him for all he's got, stay detached the entire time, keep in mind that this is fun, nothing more and wish him all the best when he moves!

Beats sitting on your sofa reading your mates' fb nonsense and posting on message boards??

 

Normally I would sign on to this 100%. Except Alex admitted she was already fantasizing about a future as this guy's girlfriend/wife even before they went on their date. I don't know that she has the emotional ability to remain detached and enjoying uncommitted sex. 

[Batya33]

Probably a moot point now but did he explain as to why he didn't tell you this on the very first contact or at least the first conversation before meeting?

[Alex39]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Probably a moot point now but did he explain as to why he didn't tell you this on the very first contact or at least the first conversation before meeting?

Yes, on the date he apologized immensely about it. He said that we matched online because he still had his location set to our city, and wasnt thinking. And he thought I seemed great and really wanted to meet me. He then felt so bad and he changed his location immediately, which I did notice before our date. His location set now to three hours away. He said he wanted to treat me to breakfast and explain in person. And he did seem to feel really bad about it.  

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Yes, on the date he apologized immensely about it. He said that we matched online because he still had his location set to our city, and wasnt thinking. And he thought I seemed great and really wanted to meet me. He then felt so bad and he changed his location immediately, which I did notice before our date. His location set now to three hours away. He said he wanted to treat me to breakfast and explain in person. And he did seem to feel really bad about it.  

I do not buy it at all.  He was thinking -he was thinking you'd be so wowed by him you wouldn't care.  There's nothing to explain in person to a stranger unless it's for your own benefit -the wow factor.

He felt really badly because maybe partly he realized he wasted another person's time by lying about where he planned to live soon and badly that he couldn't reel you in for a fling.