Nervous for a date

[boltnrun]

To me, sitting on your couch isn't a "date".  It's an easy way to see one another, sure, but that is going to get stale really quickly as @Jauntysaid.

Why is almost every date consisting of sitting on your couch/hanging out at your home?

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, while I'm not necessarily against home dates if you both enjoy and find value, keep it mind it's important to observe how he interacts with and treats others in different settings as well.

In a quiet pub for example listening to a cool band surrounded by others doing same, how he interacts with the wait staff, how he drinks and holds his liquor in public, just to name a few.

Personally, I had a particularly bad experience with the last one.

You can't observe such things while at home, watching a movie, cooking etc. 

And agree, spending time outside the house DOES serve to keep things fresh assuming you want this to be a LTR.

Be creative, it's summertime! 

Miniature golf, a picnic in the park, may sound hokey to some but bowling!!!

Some of my best early dates were when we went bowling. 😂

 

 

[Alex39]

So I am fine with at home dates. He expressed to me that he is very low on money for the next few weeks. He said he is going to take me out soon. He's getting a work bonus in three, four weeks. He was honest and I appreciated that. So thats why we've been staying in. 

[Jaunty]

7 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

So I am fine with at home dates. He expressed to me that he is very low on money for the next few weeks. He said he is going to take me out soon. He's getting a work bonus in three, four weeks. He was honest and I appreciated that. So thats why we've been staying in. 

You don't need money to do any of the things I suggested except for getting a beer.  If he's too short on funds to do that, you could spring for it.

Do you understand that sitting indoors with little to talk about is not the best way to nurture a budding relationship?  The chances are good that even if you don't end up feeling bored, he might.   OTOH maybe you are two peas in a pod in this respect.  There are couples all over the country that just sit on the couch or in their respective barcoloungers gazing at the TV and not talking. You are kind of in training for that it seems.   I can't imagine that they're feeling "happy" but what do I know.   

On a whole other note  it's not healthy for you to be so sedentary.   

[Sindy_0311]

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

To me, sitting on your couch isn't a "date".  It's an easy way to see one another, sure, but that is going to get stale really quickly as @Jauntysaid.

Why is almost every date consisting of sitting on your couch/hanging out at your home?

To me, staying home is more a casual relationship or FWB thing. When I used to have casual relationships, guys wouldn't make the effort to take me out because it was not useful. we were both ok to just stay home and cuddle and have sex. Some guys would even come just to cuddle and have a drink, no sex... Neither was I willing to go out with them and expose our relationship to others.

Also tend to think that guys who aren't that serious about a woman tend to prefer at home dates to avoid being seen in public with their partner... 

Also easier to "maybe" have sex... even if he said he wasn't willing to push things, I guess it was in his mind somewhere that it might would happen.... 

But I guess now its to late to change this dynamic as you agreed and view no issue in it... 

[kim42]

Even if he doesn't have money, you can still go to a park or something. Are there any free museums or exhibitions?

I agree with others, staying home and watching movies isn't really a 'date' to me.

[Sindy_0311]

9 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

So I am fine with at home dates. He expressed to me that he is very low on money for the next few weeks. He said he is going to take me out soon. He's getting a work bonus in three, four weeks. He was honest and I appreciated that. So thats why we've been staying in. 

Can't you just buy a bottle of wine or some beers in a supermarket and go drink outside in a park on a bench? Or just go for a little walk... To me it has nothing to do with his money issues, it's just lazy...  

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex I don't mean to pile on, but you posted earlier he has a good job with the government, your salaries are about equal, he has no children to support.

Did you ever stop and wonder why his financial situation is so bad that he can't take you out for ice cream or some fruit and cheese, an inexpensive bottle of wine and have a picnic? 

Even if you split it, you'd still be getting out once in awhile.

Or even just a stroll around town window shopping, costs NOTHING.

But you'd be observing him outside the safety and comfort of your home.

What's going on?  

I'm sorry something isn't sounding quite right imo. 

[Type O Negative]

31 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Alex, while I'm not necessarily against home dates if you both enjoy and find value, keep it mind it's important to observe how he interacts with and treats others in different settings as well.

In a quiet pub for example listening to a cool band surrounded by others doing same, how he interacts with the wait staff, how he drinks and holds his liquor in public, just to name a few.

Personally, I had a particularly bad experience with the last one.

You can't observe such things while at home, watching a movie, cooking etc. 

And agree, spending time outside the house DOES serve to keep things fresh assuming you want this to be a LTR.

Be creative, it's summertime! 

Miniature golf, a picnic in the park, may sound hokey to some but bowling!!!

Some of my best early dates were when we went bowling. 😂

 

 

Just goes to show how different people are - there aren't many things I hate more than bowling, sorry! 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Type O Negative said:

Just goes to show how different people are - there aren't many things I hate more than bowling, sorry! 

Don't be sorry!  Lol 

I acknowledged it's not for everyone.

[Sindy_0311]

20 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He expressed to me that he is very low on money for the next few weeks.

i have been dating a guy who said the exact same thing to me... from one day to another, his situation suddenly went more serious... 

Look your guy took you out last week, on Tuesday? he paid nearly 100 dollars, inviting you, and now he is broke? he doesn't have 5 dollars to just go grab an ice cream or a drink. I think he has serious money management issues. Why in hell would he pay for the whole date knowing that he will be broke for a few weeks after that. He might be in denial about his situation... its not healthy... 

 

[Batya33]

My parents had nothing $ related when they were dating - dated 4-5 years before marriage- and no "home" dates because they both lived with parents- they did alll the free stuff plus would split a pizza, my dad took her for chinese food for her first time ever, etc.  I think my dad  -a student- worked part time at his parents' coffee shop maybe.  

There is tons to do for almost no $ and I love the suggestions people have made and it really helps the two people get to know each other.  Cycling -even if you rent bicycles, etc.  A simple picnic and walk.  A hike.  I mean - I remember dousing myself involuntarily with bottled water as we drove on some winding road to a hike -from then on I had a "drinking problem" - this is how you collect the teasing/inside jokes.... so important.

[rainbowsandroses]

40 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Also tend to think that guys who aren't that serious about a woman tend to prefer at home dates to avoid being seen in public with their partner... 

I think there may be some truth to this.

I don't think this is about getting sex though. 

His comment about if SHE initiates, he'd be "down for it" suggests he could take it or leave it.

JMO on that though.

 

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

from then on I had a "drinking problem" - this is how you collect the teasing/inside jokes.... so important.

So true. We went to diner ones, and we ordered some finger foods and I suggested we changed the onion rings and vegetable spring roles for something else, something better. Later, when we finished I told him this diner wasn't really healthy, no veggies in it, And he told me, laughing as hell that in fact It was me who decided to change the only pieces with vegetables for something else. We laughed a lot that night... that was our first inside joke among many others... so stupide 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So true. We went to diner ones, and we ordered some finger foods and I suggested we changed the onion rings and vegetable spring roles for something else, something better. Later, when we finished I told him this diner wasn't really healthy, no veggies in it, And he told me, laughing as hell that in fact It was me who decided to change the only pieces with vegetables for something else. We laughed a lot that night... that was our first inside joke among many others... so stupide 

Also you get to see how he interacts with others.  In stressful situations too.  My future husband got food poisoning at a museum.  In Paris.  I didn't speak French "bathroom please???"  He met my niece who proposed to him on sight basically.  She was 8.  You have to get stuck in the rain, see how he reacts to his friend's new boyfriend or pug who is trying to eat the deli platter, etc.  

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also you get to see how he interacts with others....

I posted same earlier. 

It's SO important to do this.

[MrMan1983]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

So I am fine with at home dates. He expressed to me that he is very low on money for the next few weeks. He said he is going to take me out soon. He's getting a work bonus in three, four weeks. He was honest and I appreciated that. So thats why we've been staying in. 

Home dates can get kind of boring after a while, is there anything outdoors you can both do on the Saturday before he stays at yours? A nice walk in nature or light hike, picnic in the country or something? Doesn't have to involve money.

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Home dates can get kind of boring after a while, is there anything outdoors you can both do on the Saturday before he stays at yours? A nice walk in nature or light hike, picnic in the country or something? Doesn't have to involve money.

Like we all said above 😂

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Like we all said above 😂

So -now that we've all said that -how about Alex and her man go on that lovely hike/picnic/bowling/whatever -but then she HAS TO post in real time here so we can all accompany her and guide them into the world off of Alex's lovely and comfy (I am sure it is!) sofa.

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

So -now that we've all said that -how about Alex and her man go on that lovely hike/picnic/bowling/whatever -but then she HAS TO post in real time here so we can all accompany her and guide them into the world off of Alex's lovely and comfy (I am sure it is!) sofa.

Well, rather than such a radical solution… I suggest Alex brings up an idea for their next date, something outside and see how he reacts… time to test him a little bit. IMO 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

Even if he doesn't have money, you can still go to a park or something. Are there any free museums or exhibitions?

I agree with others, staying home and watching movies isn't really a 'date' to me.

While I agree, I think it’s important to recognize that whatever you choose to call a date isn’t really the point. Creating memories together is what anchors a couple’s attraction to one another. This is really important during future hardships. Raising memories of happier times in the beginning is a powerful tool for couples to make it through the tough times.

If the whole relationship is a blur of couch sitting, that’s not exactly an inspiring bond for staying together through life’s challenges.

[Jaunty]

38 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Well, rather than such a radical solution… I suggest Alex brings up an idea for their next date, something outside and see how he reacts… time to test him a little bit. IMO 

She did ask him to meet her for a drink after work the other day.  He ended up too tired because of his workday.  So the next day - ended up on the couch.   

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex one last thing.

While it may seem like we're piling on to be negative, that's not what our posts out about.  

You admitted yourself you don't have much relationship experience, not good healthy experience anyway, and most of us do!

I would say most if not all our posts come from that place - of attempting to lead you down a positive path towards developing a healthy, happy, rewarding long term relationship.

It's pretty much common knowledge when a person (man or woman) is highly interested in developing a long term relationship of substance, they make an effort.

Some believe in the early stages, the man should make the most effort to demonstrate his interest and that he takes the relationship seriously even IF it's not serious yet. 

What efforts has he made?  Texting is not effort.  Driving to yours is not effort, not in this context.  Sitting on your couch watching a movie is not effort.

Heck, he won't even make effort to initiate sex with you, he wants YOU to to do it.  And he'll oblige.

Some may disagree but I find that rather off-putting. 

I can't even imagine being required to initiate first time sex and if I do, he's "down for it"?

Gee thanks!!!  Ugh. 

Sexual intimacy should be a mutual effort between both or you that happens naturally and organically. 

I realize you're infatuated and for you at least the chemistry is intoxicating.

This can blind you to making smart choices and wise decisions and being prudent in how you choose to proceed. 

Please think about it; for your own well being and long term goals and  happiness.

All the best.

 

 

 

[Batya33]

49 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Well, rather than such a radical solution… I suggest Alex brings up an idea for their next date, something outside and see how he reacts… time to test him a little bit. IMO 

I was kidding!!

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Alex one last thing.

While it may seem like we're piling on to be negative, that's not what our posts out about.  

You admitted yourself you don't have much relationship experience, not good healthy experience anyway, and most of us do!

I would say most if not all our posts come from that place - of attempting to lead you down a positive path towards developing a healthy happy healthy long term relationship.

It's pretty much common knowledge when a person (man or woman) is highly interested in developing a long term relationship of substance, they make an effort.

Some believe in the early stages, the man should make the most effort to demonstrate his interest and that he takes the relationship seriously even IF it's not serious yet. 

What efforts has he made?  Texting is not effort.  Driving to yours is not necessary effort, not in this context. 

Heck, he won't even make effort to initiate sex with you, he wants YOU to to do it.  And he'll oblige.

Some may disagree but I find that rather off-putting. 

I can't even imagine being required to initiate first time sex and if so he's "down for it."

Gee thanks!!!  Ugh. 

It should be a mutual effort between both or you that happens naturally and organically. 

I realize you're infatuated and for you at least the chemistry is intoxicating.

This can blind you to making smart choices and wise decisions and being prudent in how you choose to proceed. 

All the best.

 

 

 

Very little to do with dating. She has many friends and acquaintances.  She’s a planner. She does a lot of activities and goes to events and parties. She’s just not willing to rock the boat and insist on an alternate especially since it might come across like she’s asking him to spend $. She knows how to plan stuff. She knows how to express when she doesn’t prefer a certain plan.