My husband hates it when I vent about social issues on social media

[glamguru]

So my husband hates when I post about social issues on social media and calls it “embarrassing”. I don’t do it often but I consider myself a very passionate person when it comes to certain human rights issues, so much so that I was known to be outspoken my whole life. I rarely post anymore like I used too, but when I do it’s a few times a year now (like twice a year really). 
 

Last night I watched a video on TikTok that was triggering because it was stereotypes about my culture (different than my husbands). I posted about it essentially saying that these stereotypes are harmful etc. He got angry and said it’s embarrassing for his wife to be a “social media warrior” and asked what I change from doing this. I told him that my post opened up a discussion amongst my friends where a lot of them were able to resonate and share their experiences as well. 
 

I don’t want to feel silenced because he’s “embarrassed”. This is who I am, I’ve always been outspoken. Oh! And he also posts on his social media when it comes to issues he cares about (the irony). He doesn’t vent in the way I do but I just feel this is unfair. 

[Kwothe28]

Have you thought that maybe you are not so politically alligned? You are far left SJW. He probably isnt. So the issues you talk about are not so important to him and are probably bothersome when you do it online.

Do you still live in the same room? Do you still have problems with sleeping and his smell?

[boltnrun]

He's trying to silence you.

How do you feel knowing you're married to someone who finds your actions "embarrassing"?

[smackie9]

Sometime you have to settle for leaving it alone, and put it aside if you want a happy marriage. If you want to vent join a group on line or get together with some coworkers on breaks, or vent with friends that have a like mind/opinions as yours. I have been with my husband for over 33 years, and there is one touchy subject I don't bother discussing with him because we have strong opposing opinions. Not worth fretting over it. 

[boltnrun]

Years ago there was something going on in the world that I felt very strongly about. I wanted to make a sign and put it on my car. My husband asked me not to. His reasoning was that I drove our child around in that car and he didn't want us to be targeted. That made sense so I did not make the sign.

However, he never tried to tell me not to express my opinion. Of course it was different back then because social media didn't exist. 

If this marriage means a lot to you (and I certainly hope it does), maybe discuss some kind of compromise or agreement. But "it's embarrassing" isn't a valid argument IMO. 

[Coily]

TikTok.. Now I see the root of the problem.

Jokes aside. It really depends on the target audience of your social media. If it's your friends or people who want to engage with social causes that should be entirely up to you. Though when it spills into, say his family or possibly his work colleagues, then that is something he may have to deal with the repercussions of.

I mean how would you feel if he started posting heavily "stereotypical" things on social media? Would you feel embarrassed if your friends saw him saying hateful  bigoted things? Then he tells you that it resonates among his friends.

Social media is a powerful tool, and one that needs discretion and consideration of those in our lives. If you had an Alt Account for your activism, that wouldn't reflect on him then go for it. But sometimes advocacy of touchy subjects can damage others around you.

 

You don't have to stop, but think about the unintended consequences.

[redswim30]

I think you should consider if you want to stay with someone who tries to silence you or shame you into silence. 

I think people with opposing viewpoints CAN have a harmonious marriage.  Example, I'm fairly spiritual and my husband is an agnostic.  HOWEVER, I think the key is that you have to RESPECT each other's beliefs (Not believing the same thing yourself, but respecting your PARTNER for feeling the way that they do).  For example, my husband doesn't make fun of me for being a believer, even though he disagrees and he doesn't stop me from speaking about my faith anytime I want to, as much as I want to, to whomever I want to.  I likewise don't shame him for not believing or being vocal on his opinion.   

Politics can be tricky.  But you should never have to compromise who you are to be with someone. 

I'm more concerned about his efforts to silence you than for having an opposing opinion.  I once dated someone who said about my beliefs, " You shouldn't care about all that nonsense".  I was out of there SO FAST.  NOT because he disagreed with me, but because he was comfortable disrespecting and belittling me. 

 

[tattoobunnie]

I once dated a guy who didn't like I spoke up when he said discriminatory things.  Now, I am married to a MAN who supports and even contributes to fighting injustice.  We are also completely different backgrounds racially.  He looks like a typical "something" right down with a Jeep and flags.  You do not want to get into any type of physical fight with him.  But he flies a 5 x 7 ft Progress flag  on his Jeep whenever we are going to a rally to support our teachers and kids.

It's not just about what you share or write on your own social media page; he just isn't supportive of your feelings, needs, and as a person.  I honestly would "unfriend" him.  He doesn't have to look at any of your posts.

[Batya33]

I agree with your husband that certain public posting on social media can harm your career, his career, your family, can be dangerous -depends on who  you are connected to but of course any post can go viral.  I never ever use social media for sensitive social issues or political issues -it's simply not worth the risk. 

Can you choose  to express yourself in different formats like through volunteer work where the discussions are as part of your contributions to your community -or the world! -as a volunteer? How about meeting on zoom with a small group and having a discussion about the issues you are passionate about -and forbid any recordings.

In our life situation my husband fully expects me not to type about those issues on social media whether in posts or comments.  So we've actually never talked about it.  He has a twitter account.  That's all.  I don't. He never ever tweets about sensitive or personal stuff on twitter.  I am on Facebook and he has a profile but it's inactive.  I find way to support causes and discuss social and political issues in ways that do not involve any public posting on social media.  It's simply not worth the risk.

In fact, a few years ago I had a private conversation on FB with a person who had posted about a sensitive social justice issue. My part of the conversation consisted solely of recommending a recently published article that did a great job discussing the different sides of the social issue she posted about.  She thanked me. 

But then she posted publicly about what I had recommended to her.  To me that was wrong and made public what I had recommended privately.  So I will never again express anything to her related to those issues.  But these are the risks -I didn't even comment publicly and yet there it was.  Also I've seen people attacked/threatened based on posts about sensitive issues. That also affects or could affect your husband.  Please reconsider.

I agree he should approach this more respectfully.  

[Seraphim]

Why have connected social media ? Is that necessary? If you don’t you can say what you like. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, glamguru said:

I don’t want to feel silenced because he’s “embarrassed”. 

It's your social media, so use it any way you see fit.  Reset your privacy settings so he can't view your content.

There's no reason he has to view it and get upset. Alternately, delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media. 

There's no reason a marriage couple need to communicate about or through social media. 

Talk to each other in person instead of indirectly and in passive-agressive judgements about each other's perspective on things.

Use the privacy settings and boundaries so you can have your opinions without unwanted commentary or views.

 

[Seraphim]

My husband and I don’t have connected social media. Nothing to have an issue with.

[Coily]

I held off, but I'll give a real world example of a relative of mine and the negative impact of social media advocacy.

The wife of X used to have a very highly paid executive job at a public institution, a very progressive place. The wife of X stupidly decided to send emails and used her public facing social media presence, with the name of this very progressive public institution attached to her further progressive commentary. They fired her over it, with cause. She went on to further rant and rave about her "unfair treatment" to social media. X, also very progressive asked her to tone it down. X was then fired in part because his employer did business with above institution (also the fact that he was very bad at his engineering job) and didn't want to risk future contracts due to the perception that there would be further public problems with X or his wife.

A corollary, X and his wife sued both former employers, and subsequently badly lost. Though they honestly deserved the loss, as they were trying to use the weight of social media to sway the case when they had clearly violated their employment contracts and caused fiscal damages for their respective former employers.

So with all that said, I don't think that should stop you from advocating what you are passionate about. Nor should you think your husband some insufferable and controlling jerk, maybe he is but I doubt you would have married him if that's the case. So have a productive conversation about why he's embarrassed by your posts,  and listen before just reacting. Too many want to knee jerk react and pout when someone asks them to not do something. You are a married couple, that should be the thing you both advocate for the most and respect is a two way street.

 

[Kwothe28]

20 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

My husband and I don’t have connected social media. Nothing to have an issue with.

You dont "follow" or are friends on social media or you dont have joint accounts like some couples do? 

I think its an interesting discussion to have. And can people coexist in relationship if they dont really agree on political issues. I can see it if both sides are generally indifferent. If one or both is outspoken and on diametrally different sides of spectrum, there is too much room for conflict. For example if OPs husband is just annoyed by her social media activism or just doesnt agree with her on the issues in question. Where is he on those issues? He did married into her culture but did he accepted issues she has coming from that culture?

[SooSad33]

I agree with many of these replies.

Just how does it embarrass him?  Is it truly damaging?

I feel you should be able to post what you want. Especially if it's to your own concern and it is reaching out to YOUR public.

If it's truly no harm done, then by all means, do as YOU please. Your thoughts & feelings matter in this too.

As mentioned, unfriend him & his people & carry on with your life OUTSIDE that world. It just may be a much better situation then.

 

[boltnrun]

I agree that having a calm and reasonable conversation can be helpful and can usually result in a resolution. Like the example I gave, where my husband made a valid point about the safety of our child. If he'd just said expressing my opinion "embarrassed" him I would want to discuss further. And the issue I was passionate about didn't involve aligning myself with a controversial group or expressing hatred toward marginalized people. But I still felt his concern was valid so I didn't follow through with making and posting the sign. 

I can see how some views could be considered "embarrassing", especially if they express hatred or disdain for certain groups of people. But it seems your views are more supportive toward your ethnic heritage rather than hatred toward a person or group. 

BTW, I stopped dating a man partly because his views regarding race and toward women didn't align even remotely with mine. He said and did some very offensive things, loudly and publicly. I did find him embarrassing. 

[Seraphim]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You dont "follow" or are friends on social media or you dont have joint accounts like some couples do? 

I think its an interesting discussion to have. And can people coexist in relationship if they dont really agree on political issues. I can see it if both sides are generally indifferent. If one or both is outspoken and on diametrally different sides of spectrum, there is too much room for conflict. For example if OPs husband is just annoyed by her social media activism or just doesnt agree with her on the issues in question. Where is he on those issues? He did married into her culture but did he accepted issues she has coming from that culture?

We don’t follow and are not friends and we don’t have joint accounts . We believe in some autonomy . We have our deep discussions in person . We mention things we have seen on social media and discuss it but we aren’t in each other’s space about it . 

[Cherylyn]

Post at your own risk. I agree with @Batya33.  Strong, controversial opinions and comments could very well hurt your or your husband's careers and whenever you see these people in person, it could very well be very awkward or they'll avoid you. 

If you wish to vent online, if I were you, I would do it anonymously.  Even then be careful otherwise, you'll have unpleasant arguments. 

Exercise discretion.

Even though my church brethren, relatives, in-laws and friends are my FB friends, I'm extremely careful and even better yet, I've since quit FB altogether.  Whenever I see anyone in person,  there is zero awkwardness and zero animosity due to differences in opinions, politics, religion or whatever. 

[Batya33]

Here is how fraught it can be.  In my moms group on FB some post anonymously particularly in cases of marital strife/potential harm.  An anonymous poster shared this situation and asked for, among other things, referral to a family law attorney. I know one -and had referred her in the past with success. 

So I hurriedly posted (I was in a rush -and wanted to help!!) "Sorry [tagged attorneys' name].  The attorney then commented "Thank you!" (for the referral).  Well because of how I worded it it looked like rather than expressing "sorry" to the OP who was in distress, it looked like I wrote Sorry [name] therefore "outing" the anonymous mom.

Immediately a mod posted to explain what I meant.  Then explained that a number of moms messaged her extremely worried that the tagged name was the name of the OP and I had outed the anoynmous mom who was in distress.  

Obviously I was missing a comma/and or should have explained myself.  I mean the lawyer commented and understood.

This -is how- fraught with risk social media can be.  Imagine if certain moms on that group didn't return to see that I had done nothing wrong -only right! -and then spread the word that somehow I was this terrible person who outs women in distress. That is how fast it can happen -and even worse when it's not so much a misimpression as an interpretation of how you word/refer to a sensitive issue.

 I have a number of FB and real life friends who've gotten in trouble for posting certain things when they were simply reposting and then expressing an "opinion" -where if they'd done so privately the most I guess would be annoying the recipient but not escalated to this degree.  

[Jibralta]

18 hours ago, Coily said:

have a productive conversation about why he's embarrassed by your posts,  and listen before just reacting. Too many want to knee jerk react and pout when someone asks them to not do something. You are a married couple, that should be the thing you both advocate for the most and respect is a two way street.

Yes.

[Starlight925]

Deleted.

 

[Tinydance]

Well to be honest I think it's a bit difficult to say who is right or wrong in this situation because I don't know exactly what you post about or how radical it is. Usually when someone finds your social media posts embarrassing or offensive, it's mostly because they don't share your views and beliefs about those topics. And because they're actually opinionated themselves so they basically want to shut down your opinions. For example, some people had very different opinions about COVID lockdowns, COVID conspiracy theories, etc., to the point where people deleted each other from social media or even ended friendships.

Although sometimes I also find some people's posts over the top or just too extreme. For example, I was following this famous Australian feminist but she's one of those very radical feminists. She actually posted some man hating posts. And one time she posted that her friend's father said to his small granddaughter: "If you give Grandpa hugs, I'll give you a chocolate". And this feminist wrote that it's not OK to do that because it's pushing the litte girl to do something without consent and some kind of grooming. And it just seemed to me that this feminist was so over the top that she was constantly seeing some kind of abuse or injustice towards women when there actually wasn't any.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes even with important issues, the way you deliver it might be too over the top. And that aspect could be embarrassing.

At the end of the day though it's actually your social media. And that gives you the power to write whatever you want.

 

[Batya33]

44 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

At the end of the day though it's actually your social media. And that gives you the power to write whatever you want.

It depends. Mine is not -not really.  There are employer related issues to consider -mine and my husband's.  Plus my son's school - if for example what I posted was shared with his school (hypothetically -as this is why I don't post anything that could ever be objectionable).   I don't consider it "mine" and my sense is there are many who feel as I do because of their life circumstances.  It's false "power" unless the person is willing to risk all sorts of professional and personal relationships.  Obviously there can be heavily restricted social media, heavily restricted individual posts with far lesser risks. This is why I believe OP's husband is approaching this thoughtlessly and even rudely -but -it's worth discussing. 

[Seraphim]

If posting controversial views you don’t have to post in your own name . 😉 

[Starlight925]

I don't get why anyone uses social media to espouse their views.  Either side.  First I hide, then I block, then I unfriend.  

I want to see people from past points in my life and what they're up to today.  Their kids, their grandkids.  Not their political/social views, which I never knew back then.

I've ended up quietly moving on from some of these friends in real life who vomit-post their views on social media.

Left or right, I don't care.  I hide it all.

That being said, it's your social media, your life.  You can post pictures of Skittles all day, and it's not his business.